Running out of ideas

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Coffee Lover, Apr 19, 2017.

  1. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Alright, I’m at a loss with this child today. Two steps forward, 3 steps back.

    So, after YEARS of getting in trouble/suspended from school (almost expelled) we got an IEP evaluation done, son was classified as E/I. Great. We got an IEP in place that has good supports for him and his O.D.D. – social worker meets with him twice a week, he goes to a social skills group with other kids. HOWEVER, since his behavior in the past involved either getting physical or saying inappropriate things to other kids, the school wanted an aide in his room and to stay in his eye sight. Honestly, I don’t blame them. AND since sometimes other kids wrongfully blamed him for things, I LIKED having an adult by him (the guy HAS witnessed other kids trying to set my son up and has saved him from trouble).

    I see it from my son’s side though: he’s 11. Its embarrassing to have this guy by him. I get that. But, his behavior got us into this boat. I keep trying to explain, if he wants it to go away, then he needs to work hard and we need to make the changes needed to have this guy go away. But until we know that our son can be safe/successful AND the kids AROUND HIM can be safe/successful – this needs to stay. I hope we can ditch this part of the IEP at next year’s review, but he needs to step up.

    Now, our son is HIDING from the aide. He’s trying to get away from the guy. I don’t know if its because he wants to go off and do something he shouldn’t (possible) or that he’s embarrassed (more probable) but I can’t seem to get it through to him that this needs to stop. I talk and talk and talk. I’ve grounded. I’ve tried positive reinforcement. We’ve tried rewards systems. Points/prizes….AHHHHH!!! I cannot find anything that works! He goes to therapy every other week also. He is on Vyvansse for his ADHD, which seems to help some with impulse control but he’s just so defiant (he is diagnosed with O.D.D.) EVERYONE is working together and its just not working out.

    Anyone tried anything with an O.D.D. kid (or a really stubborn one) that’s been somewhat successful??
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cant the aide sit in back of the classroom? My son had an aid but more for academic issues and the aide didnt stay by him. Son would just motion to her if he had a question. None of the kids knew she was for him. They asked her questions too...lol. it worked well. Son didnt mind her at all. Now if she HAS to sit by him, she cant do this but can she just rush over if she sees him struggling?
     
  3. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    The aide does not sit by him. He's in the room, generally not super close to my son, and helps/corrects behavior of other kids. The kids don't know that he's there for my son.

    BUT, on the playground, he has to be near my son to intervene if needed (which saved my kid this morning, two kids picked on my son and then tried to blame it on him but the aide saw it all and could vouch my kid wasn't the problem) and he has to walk him to the bathroom (being appropriate in bathrooms has been a struggle since day 1).

    We have tried to make it as non-invasive as possible. I just don't know what more to do. I have been using the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) technique (from the explosive child book) and it has helped with exploding behavior. Son is MUCH easier to approach and deal with. That's good. We're not getting as many outbursts - but the behavior is just still there and not improving.
     
  4. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Phew. I could have written your post, Coffee Lover (and I LOVE coffee, too! I even roast my own beans, grind 'em up and use them in own nice espresso machine--but I digress). My grandson will turn 11 in July and has a 1:1 aide this year for 5th grade. He's been okay about it and she does special baking projects with him the other kids don't get to do, they plan special projects to do (they created the most beautiful and touching photographic essay of the school and grandson's activities) and she's totally sensitive to the fact that he shouldn't have an adult hovering. It sounds like your son's aide gets that as well. At recess, we've had so little success with recesses over the years that grandson does an alternative recess with select friends in a place in the office called The Bistro. Your son and my grandson aren't the only ones with social and behavioral issues. Grandson has done well with it, fortunately. It's hard for us to accept that if these kids could do better, they would. They are simply lacking the skills and they need to be taught in many different ways, maturation helps, medication in some cases, and people around them that understand the issues and make a connection with the kid and have pretty much infinite patience. Tall order, right? How do you explain that to a kid this age? They are starting to get it, and it can't be comfortable for them.

    Now that middle school is looming next fall, his school says they don't want him to have a 1:1 but that he still needs the support so they are putting him in a small therapeutic class, a home base to go to and fro to PE, art, electives, but a smaller space for teaching academics--kind of like a permanent resource room, but they have psychologists running coping and communication sessions weekly, social skills workshops, etc. and it's less stressful for the kids. Kids with emotional impairment and/or mood disorders are usually very very anxious and none of us at our best under anxiety conditions.

    I hope it settles down for you. Connection with the aide is so important and someone might have to step in help facilitate and really hear and validate your son's concerns.
     
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Has the aide tried not taking him outside? I had this problem with the boy that I worked with last year. I took him outside for a walk and Mr. Long Legs ran away from me. When I finally caught him, I took him to my boss who explained to him that it was dangerous to run away from me. I told him that if it happened again (he was a limit tester) then he would have to miss P.E. He loved P.E. He wanted to be outside. He did it again. He had to spend P.E. inside for a day. He stopped running away.

    Tell your son that the aide is like his own bodyguard, like the celebrities have. He's there to help if anyone bothers him. It's important for now that he accept this help.

    The child who I work with most this year has O.D.D. I SEE when the other kids deliberately antagonize him. Since much of the time he is the one doing things to them, it's good that I am around to back him up when THEY are provoking him. Teachers miss a lot when there are 20+ kids in a room. More eyeballs help significantly.
     
  6. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    I'm so glad you mention the provoking. We ran into that a ton at the old school. I kept telling them, I GET that my son needs to be under control - we are working on that, he is learning those skills BUT the other kids that provoke his outbursts need to be held accountable and made to stop. They are making a bad situation worse and they KNOW IT (these are 10 and 11 year old kids. They aren't 3). But I got no where.

    At the NEW school, with the aide, its been better, AND the aide has witnessed kids trying to provoke son at the new school - so they HAVE been getting in trouble for it now. Son has seen that the aide is helping so I'm hoping that builds some trust
     
  7. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    If your son ditches the aide, then CONSEQUENCES!

    -Ramp up the monitoring. If you can go to school and observe your son too, then do so each time he ditches the aide. (A parent sitting in on school classes can work WONDERS for behavior problems! Arrange it ahead of time with the school/teacher. Then just walk in after class has started and sit quietly in the back. Leave before class ends. Don't say a word to anyone - don't wave to your son. Etc. Just be a fly on the wall!)

    -Kid goes to school's "time out room" for lunch instead of being allowed outside if he can't stay in view of the aide.

    -Etc. Might want to attend a parenting class (ask school counselor if they have them in your area). Other parents at these classes can think of all sorts of things to do [which have worked in the past] for their kids.

    -And on the positive side, do special things for your son if he can go a period of time [a week?] without ditching the aide. (You get a good report from the aide.)
     
  8. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Yeah, eloping is a huge no-no. They gave my grandson an "okay" place to run to where he could go without consequences. We then built in breaks, walks, etc. and it worked out okay. I wonder if there's some male competition/power struggle stuff happening. And yes, the other kids antagonized my grandson until they got a reaction, which they always did. It's awful and I don't have the answer. We've scripted things to say, rehearsed actions that are okay to take when being targeted like that. His last school was horrid for that with about five boys running the playground. His new school is better, but kids will be kids and bullies are lacking skills, too. But, when the poor kids is being embarrassed, hassled, and deliberately goaded into a melt-down, all that pre-loaded stuff goes out the window. I've seen things that make me want to strangle some kids. They can be so damn mean. But like Mr. Rogers says, look for the helpers. They're there. My grandson loves helping the special needs class and that's a big reward for him. And keep drilling down and interviewing ala Explosive Child and see what you can find out.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My answer isn't going to be popular here. I would stop lecturing and punishing him at home. I would start lecturing and punishing the school, holding THEM accountable, making THEM figure more of this out. Yes, your son's behavior needs to change, but you are heading into the teen years. He is going to shut down more and more with regards to you and he is going to need you more and more to navigate these difficult years. The more you lecture and punish and make this a confrontational time in his eyes, even if you don't mean to, the less he will look to you for help and support.

    I would start to ask school why they are not giving him a safe place to go to when the pressure is too much for him and he wants to be away from the other kids? Clearly he needs a space to be away from them. He is showing this with his behavior, it is clear as day. So why are they not giving him this? If he likes to help, why not let him. Why not let him help with a group of kids. ANY kid can help if you let them. You have to figure out how to motivate them and guide them. For some kids it is carrying a box from here to there, even if it doesn't really need to go there. If it gives the child a purpose and a focus, and makes him feel useful, it can be a helpful thing. Often the child will do it as a favor for a teacher that he likes or respects. For some kids it can help reset things if they are explosive. I have seen it work.

    I just cannot figure out why they are letting the other kids bully your son. I wonder what an advocate would do with your IEP? Have you considered trying to get one to help you?

    Please at least consider letting school handle school battles. Your son has to cope with school for most of his day, then he comes home and has to rehash the whole mess again, and get into trouble for it all a second time. I would dread coming home. When does he get to just relax and be a person, a kid, a human being, himself, to destress? I made the mistake of fighting school battles at home and it literally destroyed my relationship with my son for many years. It took into his adult years for us to rebuild any kind of relationship that was positive. Please don't make my mistakes. Let the adults at school fight their own battles. Fight for your son at school, don't fight against your son on school's behalf at home.
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, been there myself. Good advice once more.
     
  11. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Thanks so much for the replies :) It really is nice to vent/talk/get ideas without judgement.

    I guess I need to clarify - my son is not running away because he is overwhelmed or anything. He just doesn't want an aid. So he's trying to hide from the poor guy doing his job. That's the frustrating part. He doesn't need a space to get away to.

    We use Dr. Greene's methods from "The Explosive Child" and talk through issues. We used to ground (which is how I know that doesn't work with him) and we do generally let the school handle 100% of the school issues. We do as much Plan B work as we can. I'm just getting so tired of having to revisit this ONE issue all the time.

    I do not feel that my son is bullied. If kids know making a face will get someone to do something silly, they will. Not right - they need to stop. And he is working to ignore, but I do not feel that is bullying. The school has been WONDERFUL about addressing it when its happened though to work on stopping outside influences from triggering him and hurting his progress. I'm happy with that.

    We did sit down and do another round of Plan B drilling and he shared some new issues he's feeling about the aid. Turns out, he's worried about NEXT YEAR in middle school and what that will look like. So he's trying to just get rid of the guy now. Which, is not an option. We talked about it being like a body guard (which was a great suggestion a friend made) and why its important he is there FOR NOW. I also explained/reminded that he won't be there forever. Just until son can get the skills needed to not need the guy. I'm sure we have 1 more school year with him, but based on progress reports,

    I have two advocates and they have both been present every step of the way for the IEP process (its too overwhelming for any parent to go alone in my opinion). They both have torn through this along with a Special Education lawyer (I was covering bases like mad...we were almost expelled for son's behavior so I wanted this SOLID). Its set up well.

    Its just getting my son to accept it that's been hard. He hears IEP or special education and immediately just feels embarrassed and ashamed. And tries to then hide from the guy to get out of it...its frustrating.