Saw my son today.......

MarCar

New Member
I saw my son today walking in the street with his dog and my first reaction was to stop and get them food or give them money but I didn't. I've always been the type of mom that jumps in and tries to save him before he even asked for help and I didn't want to do that anymore, I feel so bad because I wanted to get him something to eat, but I know I can't save him and I have to wait for him to want to save himself, but it still hurts.
 

tpowell2

New Member
I am sorry you are dealing with this. My son is 22 and I am experiencing the same feelings you are. I want to help him again, but he’s done nothing to help himself. There has been good advice given on this platform from other mothers going through a lot of the same things. I am really trying hard to detach myself from enabling and in turn preventing my son from doing for himself. It’s hard and it hurts. I hope it gets better for you.
 

Nandina

Member
Oh MarCar, that is so hard. I am the same kind of mom and I had to let my son be homeless hoping he would get low enough to pull himself back up, but he never did and you saw he is in jail. In any event, no matter what I might try, I couldn’t help him unless he was willing to help himself and apparently he still wasn’t willing and now he’s compromised himself so bad with drugs, and is so mentally ill that he can’t help himself. And sadly, neither can we…still.

Does your son either have access to places where he could get a meal or to some money? Every situation is different and we all have our own boundaries, but my relationship with my son was ok, even when he was homeless, as weird as that sounds. So I would occasionally take him food or meet him and buy him a meal (not give money). And we would have a chance to talk. Is that something you could do for your son without feeling like you’re enabling him?

In my case, it was a strange situation for sure, but I sort of had to meet him where he was. He knows he could never live in our home again and probably wouldn’t want to as he disregards rules with abandon. As long as he was respectful I was ok with meeting him. (My tears would come later) :( This is hard to do if your son still really wants to live in the home or is disrespectful to you. But in my case, my son sort of embraced the homeless life, like so many of these kids do, and appreciated the food. We don’t understand it.

Hugs to you
 

MarCar

New Member
Thank you both for your replies, my son only has a month out of our home, He breaks in when we are not home and takes whatever he can get his hands on, he gives me bad anxiety when i see him because he would flip out on me for no reason at all and i, being the big enabler that i am, never told my husband because i didn't want to cause any problems, so I'm not ready and i don't feel i can talk to him yet. But here where i live there are a lot of programs to help the homeless people so i pray everyday that he would turn to a program.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome

My son was in such a bad way for many years as you can see (some of) below in my signature. Finally after many years of bad behavior we were able to get him to go into Adult and Teen Challenge in Memphis. They have facilities all over the country. It is a 13 month faith based program and it turned my son's life around.

I honestly don't know if he would be alive if it were not for this program.

My son did not want to go and fought us. He said it was a cult etc. Husband said he could come home if he successfully completed it. I did not want him home because I was so very afraid but I honored my husband's wishes. It was hard at first but so worth it because I have my boy back and there is nothing more important than having our family healthy.

Some of the men that completed the program have since gone back to drugs and passed. That makes me so sad because I saw the real person inside of them when we visited my son.

They are searching for something that is missing in their lives. The world is a hard and cruel place.

My son needed to connect with his higher power and I think that is what all of these boys need that are on the wrong path. I thought my son was mentally ill too. He wasn't. It strengthened my faith because I was on my knees and knew I could not face this alone.

In fact he's in college now pulling almost straight A's. Who'd ever have thought that would happen. Not me. Miracles are possible if you believe. My son is a miracle and I witnessed it myself.

You are in the right place. You will learn a lot here from mothers that have already been there, like me.

:notalone:
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Suggest your son apply for foodshare, welfare and Medicaid. My daughter survives well with that.

I would put in a security system on your home to keep your son from breaking in.

I know ow how hard this is. At the beginning of our journey we bought our daughter a house, then a mobile home when that didn't work. That didn't work either. On and off we paid for apartments and she got thrown out for various reasons. Bought used cars and she totaled each one. Each one. And we bailed her out. Really nor smart of us. It just made her demand more.

Not one thank you for our love or help. She lives in a dilapidated mororhome now on government benefits. She is furious with us but on social media she says she loves her freedom from the rat race.

Our family.is finally at peace. Took us ten years to let go to God. We sure wish she would have taken advantage of all the help we offered her. But only she can help herself. We can't. We learned this late. Nar Anon and therapy saved us. Still does.

Love and hugs.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
So very sad. When our daughter was very young g snd in pre K we noticed big problems and let’s just say “differences”. Her teacher back then suggested I always do extra for her and help her get by so that she could live a more normal life. Hmmm. So, perhaps I jumped in too fast. Always wanting to help. In my case…she’s adopted. I didn’t want her to feel “different.” We went above and beyond.

She was never grateful , made horrible choices, exhausting, teetered on abusive , threw us under the bus every chance…and years later still all those things but now its clearly abusive without an ounce of remorse.

We are going to Families Anonymous now. Finally feeling some peace. She is an adult and is responsible for her own choices. And we are responsible for ours. Our health both mental and physical…our happiness..everything. We can control that. We can’t control her.

Agree…seriously consider getting a security system fir your home and change the locks if he might have a key. We have an unusually good security system and are even considering adding to it.

You can’t control your son. These groups like Al Anon , Nar Anon or FA can help bring much wisdom, much support..much peace.

Blessings.
 
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