Seriously

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rebelmommy, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    so.....I’m just going to jump right in. My lovely daughter was arrested for something really stupid and spent almost three weeks in jail. My first thought when I found out was wow she’s never gonna get that baby boy back. Then anger. Then sadness. I guess all the stages of grief, even to the crying with my husband at a restaurant bar because my heart is literally broken..... By gods blessing and all the prayers, her case was dropped and she was free to go. Of course there’s still an arrest on her record but at least there’s no case. Problem is though there is are a few internet articles talking about what happened. So anyways that was last Thursday it’s been five days she’s been staying here. I basically told my husband she had to stay here and didn’t give him a choice in the matter because again, my heart was broken and I feel guilty that maybe I haven’t done enough or been nurturing enough or given her enough support so of course she had to do something criminal except that in my head I know as messed up as it feels to admit it, my daughter likes to be criminal she likes to bad she thinks it makes her cool and she feels like she belongs with the other messed up kids. There’s also that lack of maturity like I asked her did you even look up what the consequences of what you were doing could possibly be? Like what she did was a major felony that was five years mandatory..... like honey what is going on in that head of yours? She’s not on drugs besides weed, I’m pretty sure of that. I really think she’s addicted to misery. So anyways, she’s been here five days. She started using my fifteen year old phone to talk to one of the guys she got arrested with. She even met up with him over the weekend. She comes here today trying to mislead me with her crying about how she found a job but then they did a background check and read the article online and found out about her and wouldn’t hire her, but i know that she’s throwing up flares. Not only did she have my son talking to this criminal dude on the phone, texting back and forth, she also is telling me she’s doing one thing when she’s really doing another. One thing I can’t stand is having a sneak in my house I just can’t deal with it. And when I confront her about it she just doesn’t get it. She’s trying to cry to me about not getting a job because of her record and honestly I’m like that’s the least of your worries. Who you are as a person as human being that’s what you need to be working on. Trying to find a way to get back to your son. Trying to change and grow as a grownup. What is it with this child? I see everything that she could be and could become but she’s just a snake to me. Everytime I try to give her the benefit of the doubt she just proves me wrong. Then sometimes I feel like damn I’m so hard on her.... but damn if I’m am so hard on her then why hasn’t she tightened up? Like she really just doesn’t get it. She just doesn’t know how to act right and then she’s like where am I gonna go? Where look if your worried about being somewhere then why are you acting out? Why are you acting brand new like you don’t know what the rules are with me? I don’t know I’m guess I’m ranting a little bit. I want to be soft and nurturing to her and I think that’s what she’s looking for but she has taken that out of me and to be honest I’m at not the one whose going to let someone feel sorry for themselves I’m someone who believes in action and getting :censored2: done. :censored2: I had to raise her at 16/17 and I did it without crying about how hard it was and I built myself up into someone that I could be proud of and she’s older than I was so why can’t she do the same? I told her that I didn’t cuase her to be like this so it’s not my problem where she goes or what she does. I need her to start showing some strength and some mettle. Not throw her hands up in the air and why me. That victim :censored2: she’s been doing ever since she found that it got her attention. I can’t stand a victimizer. Where does being a victim get anybody? Like yes you have a record yes the baby but guess what I’ve given you an opportunity and Yes you so t have a phone but how funny that you not having a phone and yet you somehow manage to get in contact with the guy you got arrested with.... Ugh. This child of mine I swear.
     
  2. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    Welcome to this site you will find tremendous support here. I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. Has she ever been diagnosed or is she taking drugs that you know of that could contribute to her behavior? My first concern would be that she not draw your 15 year old into her world. You may need to consider having her go elsewhere for his safety and your peace. There is an article here on detachment which may be helpful. You deserve to take care of yourself and your son and your husband. She is an adult and needs to find her own way and that will be hard for both of you. You love your daughter, we all love our children but sometimes we enable them which doesn't help either of us. My son is currently in jail but has a hearing on the 20th. It is a difficult journey. He will not be allowed here when he gets out. Others here are far more eloquent than i and will be replying soon i am sure.
     
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Sounds very stressful!!! Most, if not ALL of us, certainly understand this.
    Not certain, but if this was her first arrest, it might be possible to get this arrest wiped from her record. You might want to speak with an attorney.
    At least this would eliminate the concept real/honest or not so real/honest that she is having trouble finding a job due to her arrest record.
    I too would hesitate to have her stay at your house for numerous reasons, but particularly since you have a teenager living there.
    I would consider giving her a hard and fast deadline letting her know when she needs to move out. Maybe even put it in writing.
    Has she seen a doctor to determine if she might have some sort of medical condition...ADHD , etc.?
    Yes, read whatever you can get your hands on regarding detachment.
    I went to a few meetings of Families Anonymous and thought they were very good. Lots of camaraderie among the parents plus sharing of good local information.
    Wishing you well and welcome.