Shattered

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. Most of you know the long road we have traveled with my son who is now 25 and living 1500+ miles away. He moved in 2016 and well the alcohol usage never stopped but increased. Dui- probation for a year- weight gain of over 100lbs in that year... girlfriend left him.... 3 tries at rehab 3 tries at IOP..
    Lives alone.. Longest he went sober was 89 days back in 2018 then relapsed.. been on and off since..
    So he again was sober. got his 2 month chip a few weeks ago. Seemed to be doing great. The girl he was seeing on and off came back since he was sober and they were doing great. She moved in with him due to the college closing. (She doesn't live in the state he does but works there so she stayed during this crisis that is going on)
    She even said how he was doing so well. she was very supportive of him.

    He is working from home now like a lot of companies are doing. I still look at his phone logs and well, I seen he called the liquor store a few days ago. I was shattered. He called them again on Saturday.

    I want to send him a picture of his 2 months sober chip and tell him how proud I was of him. I want to send him a picture of a quote she put on his mirror to remind him of how good sobriety is...
    I guess those are 2 things I shouldn't do right? It will make him feel quilty??

    Any suggestions... I guess just sit back and wait for him to get back on the wagon again. He just never can make it past a certain point why did I have my heart geared up for more this time.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I personally think he has to get this on his own. Or not. I hope he eventually gets it. I am not the type of mom who would try to make him feel bad because I feel my reactions to Kay, whether I acted too hopeful or disappointed, had no effect on her. It truly is up to her to get tired of herself and get help. And your son did try and relapse is part of healing. So he could stop again.

    How do you see his account? I feel it is harmful to us to know everything. I am glad I don't. Unless he lives with you or you are financially supporting him (this in my opinion applies to us all) it is none of our business. If we could stop them from hurting themselves that would be one thing, but we can't.

    If your son is finding ways to pay his bills, in my opinion let go and let God. What he does, as well as what Kay my daughter does, is beyond your control so why torture yourself? Why try to analyze what you can't change?

    Having said that, I am appalled that in my state, liquor stores are deemed essential and are still open. Almost nothing else is. But we must keep alcohol and pot available and not just medicinal pot. We Americans MUST be able to access our substances. I know liquor is selling big here.

    I have dark humor sometimes. To my husband I have said that this quarantine will result in more babies, more divorces, and more alcoholism.

    God bless you.
     
  3. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

     
  4. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

    Busy: I, too am shocked that people are still able to buy liquor and they are keeping these stores open. I don't understand how they can make laws where pot is legal now although there is much preaching about the dangers and destruction drugs/alcohol cause.
     
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more, let alone call liquor and pot stores essential in this pandemic. Why are they essential? Why weren't they shut down?
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think so normal, responsible people can buy and drink alcohol responsibly as they always have.

    Those that aren't responsible won't be as they always have.

    If they made it unavailable to all, it may create more problems than solutions.

    I grew up in an alcoholic home so I have lived on both sides of the issue.

    Just my opinion.
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Someone posted that shutting down all liquor stores could send people in to a medical emergency...that now wasn't the time to forcefully detox. Not sure why. Barbers are closed, but dogs can get groomed.

    I trimmed my own bangs today. It'll do...
     
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    They sell liquor at grocery and convenient stores if you must have a drink. Why keep liquor stores open?

    Needs no answer. Just puzzles me. I am not everyone but liquor stores are not essential. Not to my thinking anyway. On the barbershops (closed here too) my thinking is that you have chairs and people sitting near each other and you get manhandled by the barbers. Dog groomers are isolated with dogs who can't get or give Coronavirus. Just guessing.
     
  9. In our state the liquor stores are closed but in my sons state - CO the liquor and weed shops are open. I also feel these are not essential.
    I pay his cell phone yet so that is how I can see his text/phone logs.
    When things were really bad, this is the only way I knew he was alive. If there was data usage, then I knew he was still breathing and alive. Sometimes he would not answer calls or texts for 3 to 4 weeks at a time. When his phone breaks or he wants a new one, then he will be on his own.
    I recall him telling me how he didn't want to live that live anymore. He wanted to build up his savings and fix his credit score... so why he would resort to drinking again I just don't know. The only thing I can think of is that he is going crazy being stuck in his apartment for work/home life. He doesn't exercise and also takes shots which lowers his immune system so I imagine that is stressing him out with the virus scare.
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well hopefully he'll decide that he wants to live a sober and productive life.

    One step at a time.

    It takes longer for some than others!
     
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about him so much please. Honest. It won't change anything. Don't wonder why he does destructive things, if you can help it. An addict craves what he is addicted to and that's why they use the substance.

    He WAS going for help and they have online AA meetings. If he truly wants to be clean, it will happen but he will do it himself. And if he wants to stay clean, anxiety won't cause him to drink. He will instead reach out to fellow AA members who are good at supporting one another.

    It is all about how much your son wants to stay clean.

    I have an Al Anon friend who also is an addict. He has been clean for thirty or more years. He is a Sponsor/Mentee to many younger addicts which means they go through the 12 Steps together and he is always on call for them if they need help.

    This man told us he has many mentors who won't follow through, who start and quit. Some even stop using then relapse and he never sees them again. He sticks it out because of the ones who actually get clean and stay clean. And he says he used to feel badly when a mentored person quit, but he learned that he couldn't do anything about it and that the person had to want it as badly as he did. He stopped feeling as if he hadn't done a good enough job.

    Currently this man has a drug addict 30 something son with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) who is doing very poorly. Even with all this man's experience, he can't do anything for him. The son won't listen. He moved far away and calls every so often with promises he never keeps.

    You can not change your addicted child. None of us can. Reading your son's phone will only hurt you. in my opinion it's best not to check.his texts. If he disappears you can certainly check if he is alive, but I don't feel myself that it should become a habit.

    How many years have you been monitoring him from a distance to no avail? Do you have any other loved ones who would like your attention? Are you being good to yourself? Please...think of yourself!

    I wish you peace and blessings and the courage to do what makes you calmer. Be well.
     
  12. I can't read his text messages. All I can see is the phone numbers he calls.
    I agree, I should not be looking. I guess I do because he will ask me for help with things and if I know he is sober, I don't mind helping a little. If he drinks, than I don't help.
    My parents helped him again when he got into credit card debt. He called with the story of how he messed up again and how he sounds like a broken record. He was sincere and told my dad that he doesn't want to live like this anymore and is going to stop. My dad helped him again.... I guess that is why I look. I want to see that he is on the straight path. I want to have a heads up when the phone rings that he can't find his glasses or that he locked himself out of his apartment, etc... Yep, he calls me asking me where he put his glasses or calls me when he can't find his key or calls me when he locks himself out without his wallet and needs to call for the locksmith to open up and doesn't have any form of payment because the wallet is in the apartment... So I guess that is why I look in a way. So I have a heads up that he is derailing again.
    I do have another child. She is away at grad school. My marriage is awful. There is nothing much left. Very sad but we are locked into a family business and extremely hard to get out of the marriage. I guess if the business goes under that will be my way out.
    Have nothing in common at all with my husband. ZERO! I should have called off the wedding 27 years ago like I thought about.
     
  13. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    And gun stores, too. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
     
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  14. Just wanted to update. I have not checked the phone logs for days.... I sent my son a text yesterday just to say that I hope he was doing well and that the weather was going to be nice in his area next week. Haven't heard anything from him since Monday. This is why I like to check the phone usage..
    I am holding off and trying to keep my mind on something else.
     
  15. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Trying,

    I agree with the others about checking the phone, it will only hurt you. He knows where you live, your phone number and perhaps your social media? He will turn up and contact you. Even if something isn't going well, you will find out soon enough, please don't torture yourself.

    Do something for you today.

    Prayers,
    JMOM