She's almost 18 - surrendered to CYS

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Rattled, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    My oldest will be 18 and graduating high school soon. We signed papers to volunteerly surrender her to CYS at the beginning of the month.

    Been having issues with her since she was 12. At that time she was diagnosed with PPMS (which is psychotic behavior once a month). She refused to go to therapy appointments or take her medication, so I gave up. For a long time I could keep her episodes at bay by saying "stop it or you're going back to therapy and going back on medications." It worked like a dream.

    She had no after high school plans of college or jobs, nothing. So we told her that if she doesn't have an after high school goal, she is out of the house as soon as she graduates. This was supposed to make her think about her future and set goals. Instead she went to school, complained to a teacher that we were so mean, and a CYS investigation was started. It was unfounded, have the letters to prove all her claims are unfounded, but they are still in our lives and now trying to take our other two children.

    The oldest's history include sneaking out of the house at night to have sex with strangers she met on the internet- that started at 14. Drug and cigarette use. Shop lifting. Truancy from school. Going to school on the bus then leaving to spend the day doing who knows what, to ride the bus home. And flat out refusal to go at all.

    So when she went after her little brother with a knife during one of her PPMS moments, her father stopped her by putting his hand up to prevent the chase. His hands were dirty from work (he gets filthy at his job). She took pictures, called CYS, claimed the dirt marks were bruises. CYS got here and there were no marks as they washed off. I asked them to take her as I can't handle it anymore.

    Now she is spreading lies around school about how she was beaten daily at home and telling CYS that she fears for the safety of her siblings. She was the threat in the house.

    Her siblings want nothing to do with her. Even at school they ignore her. Within a few hours of her leaving, her sister who she shared a bedroom with, had all of her things packed up and sitting by the front door.

    I know it's CYS's job to believe the kid, but there has to be something we can do. The problem child is now living in foster care. We have a court date coming up.

    I just got documents that CYS plans to take custody of the other two younger children. I showed them the paperwork and they both said "oh hell no!"

    Can anyone relate or offer advice? I have a lawyer but it would be nice to hear from other families who have gone thru something similar.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is a terrible story.

    Has CYS interviewed your two other daughters and your son? How can they take them without talking to them? If the "bruises" washed off, how can CYS consider this abuse? Have they verified her accounts by interviewing her siblings? Have they confirmed or disconfirmed the accounts?
    Is this the issue? Does CYS consider this child abandonment?

    I, like you, cannot on the basis of what you write, see how "abuse" can be supported on the basis of her allegations which cannot be accepted as "true" in terms of the other children, without corroboration. We as people all of the time make allegations about others which may be objectively "false" because they are subject to interpretation, unless verified and proven.

    To me this all rides on whether or not there is consensus among the children about what happens in the house, and what they tell the authorities. Their own lives are at stake. If their voice is not heard they themselves become victims of an abusive system, in my way of thinking.
  3. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    The CYS case on my oldest daughter is for "dependency". The box is checked that the parents do not have control over her actions to keep her safe. I agree with this. She doesn't listen to either of us. Lies constantly. Is generally horrible to be around. She's my daughter, I love her, I just don't like her. Her after high school goal is to move to NY and join a hippy commune she read about online.

    The other two kids are happy she is out of the house. They are happy at home. They are aged 16 and 12. But I got a stack of paper in the mail from CYS on Saturday stating under the permanency goal check boxes "X Child remains in home. Child in at imminent risk of removal from his/her home."

    For the oldest that is in foster care, the box is checked that she is in foster care with the goal of her returning home. I don't want her home. She turns 18 in 2 months.

    I'm just worried about losing the other two and them forcing the oldest back into the home as a contingency for keeping the other two.

    We lock bedroom doors at night when she's here. Everyone walks on eggshells around her.

    The worst CYS has on us is that she had 5 cavities at time of placement. We didn't have dental insurance and she refused to brush her teeth.

    I know CYS varies state to state and county to county, but I've been reading online about my county. I don't live in a good one.

    I don't want my other two stuck in the system for the remainder of their years because my oldest has issues.

    One day CYS was out here because that morning the oldest had punched the middle daughter in the face on the way to the school bus. The oldest, the one that threw the punch, called CYS and told them she was afraid to come home from school because she was going to be made to "do hard labor." I told her the night before that everyone is going to help stack the firewood for the fireplace after school so don't make plans. I have the unfounded letter from that one too.

    I'm just at a loss and need some help. My calls into the CYS office are typically ignored, I maybe get a call back a few days later. My oldest won't talk to me and told CYS she doesn't want visitation with me and her father.

    And she constantly texts her younger sister bragging on how she gets to go to college for free now. The foster family isn't allowed by law to keep her on her toes. Her siblings report she is going to school with no bra and wearing crop tops that show the bottom of her breasts. So she got everything she wants- no accountability and free money. All she has to do is continue to lie to them.

    I'm beyond frustrated.

    Sorry for the novel- I just need to vent.
  4. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    As for the "bruises" on the night they took her, a CYS lady came out with a councilor they assigned to work with my daughter since fall. The councilor meets with the problem child a few times a week and reports to CYS for months now.

    So they showed up, took pictures of her neck, and stated there were no marks of any sort. I told them it was dirt from my husband's hand and I washed it off. The councilor laughed as she knows my daughter and my family well. Going on nearly 6 months of her being here a few times a week.

    I still haven't gotten the unfounded letters on that one but all the paperwork I've gotten from court states "allegations of choking". She says he choked her, he said he pushed her. They were the only two to see the incident as my 12 year old was running away. There were no marks of any kind.

    Her state appointed councilor stopped even talking to me (I was supposed to meet with her 2 hours a week) a few weeks in. She quickly learned the issues were with the child and her perspective of the world. The girl does not live on planet earth. Narcissism, entitlement issues, anger. She wasn't a spoiled kid as we have never been rich, yet come home from school one day screaming in my face about "where's her trust fund money? Every kid has a trust fund and I want my money now!" The councilor and I had a good laugh about that one.

    But hey, she gets to go to college as a foster kid so everything is free. So all is good for her. She doesn't care about anyone else in the whole world.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    To me, two months is a very short time considering the risks to the other two children.
    I think you have the answer here.

    Could you be conciliatory with CYS? I mean, tell them you will work with them and with her to return her home? By that point the two months will have run their course.

    I agree with you. I would not put at risk the futures of my other children to prove a point with her.

    Take care.
  6. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    That's the plan! CYS now wants to send a councilor out to the house to meet with the other two a few times a week. I just don't want this to drag out for years until the youngest turns 18.

    It's like they are sharks and there is blood in the water, but it's not blood, it's red food dye that the oldest put there and claimed it's blood. They will keep circling.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't know what to say. This is mind-blowing. I can't unithe part about not brushing her teeth. Teenage girls are normally obsessed with their appearance and so worried about having bad breath in front of their boyfriends. The part about not wearing a bra is surprising, too. I teach high school, and it seems like all the girls want to wear push-up bras so they will appear bigger. She actually said every kid has a trust fund? She's been watching too many Young & the Restless episodes. I think she might have gotten that idea from watching a commercial about a college find that is payable to kids when they turn 18, which is definitely not a trust fund. Or, she might be under the impression that all kids have trust funds because some parents save up a couple thousand dollars to give to their kids when they get married. Definitely not the same thing. She got this idea somewhere.

    If the state is willing to pay her college tuition, great. Did you tell her how expensive it is to live in NYC? How does she know the hippie community would even welcome her into their commune?

    As for the state threatening to remove the other children from the home, you could talk to an attorney. I hope everything works out.
  8. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    One of her friends is very rich and does have a trust fund. Most of her friends are on the lower income level. I said "you mean college fund, not trust fund, and we don't have money for either one" that day. She screamed back "no, I mean you are legally required to get me a trust fund."

    One of the "charges"' from CYS is failure to get her a drivers license. When she turned 16 she refused to study the book then insisted upon a motorcycle license. I said no to that one so she didn't want the license. Then another CYS charge is "failure to complete the FASFA". I filled it out with her. She purposely submitted it for Spring 2017 instead of Fall 2017 because she planned to drop out of school and go to college early. I found out about the date switch later.

    I am just lost in a sea of confusion. I do have an attorney but worry the fate of the whole family lies in her hands.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Whaaat? This is ridiculous.
    Then comply as you stated was your intent.

    At this point right or wrong have no meaning or importance because your other kids did nothing to deserve to have their whole lives disrupted and put at risk. Your role and responsibility as I see them are doing whatever is in your power to do to protect THEM. By complying you do not capitulate to her or do it for her, but you do it to protect your other children and yourselves.

    This is way beyond her and her bad behavior, which really is beyond bad. To the extent she is misrepresenting she is holding hostage the lives of her siblings. I am sorry.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2017
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Are we really expected to push a driver's license? Obviously our Difficult Child has cavities and doe s not brush appropriately, but we know he's just not a normal 20.

    I'm shocked they can charge with not filling out the fasfa, I mean really? I would get an attorney, they have no real claims, and will soon see she has some mental issues.

    So sorry for this stress, here on the board most of us Liverpool with some. I love our son, but like, not really.

    Prayers, stay strong!!
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Does she actually has the grades to graduate high school and go to college?
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sometimes CPS is nuts. I know people from foster care who lost children, both their own and foster kids, because of crazy social workers and a few had to fight a year or more in court to get them back.

    CPS can be helpful or lethal. As a government agency, it is very powerful. And flawed. Even lawyers cant help all the time...but certainly find one familiar with CPS and how they work. And do your best.

    You learn a lot as a foster parent that is shocking and horrifying that you wish you could block out...that you wish you didnt know. CPS scared me.

    Wishing you all the best in this insanity. I am very sorry.
  13. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    CPS came to my house once. I was really scared, but in my case it worked out fine. I was prepared and defensive - I had my neighbors' names and phone numbers down in case he wanted to interview them as well. Me and all my kids sat in the living room while he questioned all of us. My abuse? Making spaghetti too much for my son's liking, that's what he told the CPS guy. (Actually I tried to get him to a therapist, I mentioned his marijuana use and he said My mom hits me all the time, which I never did, but they reported me).
    My son made all our lives just horrible. I used to drive home from work, look at my house, my refuge, and feel sick inside because it no longer was a safe place. I know my girls felt that way too.
    Were the younger children interviewed?
    You had six years of this kind of stress??? I am so sorry.
    I would play along with them best you can. Be boring, be compliant. Let them "teach" you. (rolls eyes) I like Copa's advise just to play it out for the next horrible two months. :(
    Can you call your NAMI warmline? They might know more about how CPS operates in your county.
    Hugs to you and your kids.
  14. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    With her grades I doubt she is going to graduate high school this year which may mean this drags out for another year. I would imagine her IQ test would yield incredibly high results but she doesn't try.

    We aren't rich by any means, but lower middle income. She wants to go to an out of state small private college with a $80,000/year tuition. I told her that's crazy because the job she wants in the end only pays $35,000/year. Stay in state and go to a local college. But I told her she had to have an after high school plan so she is "punishing me" by picking an extreme college. I burst her bubble when I told her college tuition is 100% on the student so she insisted that I take out a parent loan to cover her college expenses. I said no. Big surprise. That was a day or two before she punched her sister.

    Since she has been gone the house has been so peaceful and calm. We all play board games a few times a week and laugh. We are planning a camping trip this summer. We haven't been able to go camping since the oldest didn't want to go, she wanted to stay home alone. So we told her she could stay behind but she had to stay at grandma's. She would start breaking plates, screaming, terrorizing the whole family. After a few tries we gave up. We get to go on vacation again.

    I'm her mom. I love the kid. I just can't stand her.

    I used to drag her from her room, down the steps, into the car. Then drop her siblings off with a baby sitter, pay $150 out of pocket for a 1 hour therapy session, only to hear at the end of them "she didn't say a word the whole time."

    The other two kids are great. Just the normal issues that you see on sitcoms. But the oldest... when she hit puberty it was like a switch got flipped in her head.

    I would wake in the morning with dread- not knowing how the morning was going to go. Would she flip out, would she go, would she scream. Then anytime she wasn't in my sight I would be filled with panic every time the phone rang with "what did she do now?"

    When CYS showed up the first time it was just another "what did she do now?"

    I did what I could for her. I raised her as I did the other two. The other two are good kids. It's just her that I don't understand.

    The only break in her behavior was when I was diagnosed with cancer. For a few months she was my little girl again. That wore off too quickly though.

    It's really nice to be able to breathe. I no longer feel the knots in my stomach when it's time to wake the kids up for school. I don't want her back.

    I will play along with CYS to protect the other two.
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  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    All you can do is play along with CYS until she is a legal adult. Is she even going to be interested in finishing high school? Once she is 18, she seems like a dropout risk. I would buy her a bus ticket to that hippy commune for her birthday. I would NOT tell her that life in a commune involves everyone working hard to contribute. I have a cousin who lived in several communes over the years (she truly is the most hippy crunchy granola person, and I love her absolutely to death) and life in them is not all sweetness and light - it is a TON of hard work. But I would give her that bus ticket and let her go learn for herself.

    As far as a trust fund, lololol!!! And for free college tuition because she is a foster kid? Who told her that? That is the dumbest lie I have ever heard of! Foster kids are on their own on their 18th birthday. The state tosses them out on their tushies on their 18th birthday in most states. They are legal adults and the system is so overtaxed that it can barely take care of the kids under 18. It doesn't give a single hoot for the kids over 18. Let her continue believing those lies until she is 18 and one day and trying to get into her college with that fake check for tuition. See how far she gets.

    This is just more of her psychotic delusions. Do NOT buy into it.

    Make sure you have a good lawyer, and play along with CYS. Eventually when your daughter is over 18 and out of your home, and no reports are coming in about the other kids, CYS will go away.
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Rattled. I don't have much to say other than I'm sorry your eldest has been holding the whole family emotionally hostage. I think reality is going to be a hard smack in the face for her.
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Actually, in our state, foster kids, can get help with college...

    Our two granddaughters don't qualify, as the court made it a private adoption, even though they had been in a foster home for a year, and then with us for kinship care for another year.

  18. Rattled

    Rattled New Member

    Here they can stay in foster care/in the system until they are 21. My lawyer is making sure that I don't have to pay child support all that time. From everything I've seen, the child support ends at 18, but there's a chance they may try to extend it.

    And she does need to hit rock bottom for the wake up call. The states involvement is only going to prolong her realization.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would start pressing charges against her for the violence against your other children. That actually can be done and probably should be done. I would be having the cops called each and every single time she is in your home and is violent or destructive in ANY way to people or to property to establish a pattern of violence. This will go quite a way with the court to show that she is NOT some poor unwanted child but rather is a nasty piece of work who just doesn't want to be responsible for anything. Let some time in the jail (at her age she can be prosecuted as an adult if you push it, and I would) be her reward for her nonsense.
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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with Susie. Your daughter is destroying a family. Her behavior needs to be defined as what it is: abusive.