Should grandparent be paid to watch

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kassiesmom, Oct 12, 2019.

  1. Kassiesmom

    Kassiesmom New Member

    Hello from Seattle Washington!
    I have an 18 month old granddaughter who I Take care of During the day so my daughter and her boyfriend can work.My heart is just broke my daughter Is a great mom and her boyfriend is a great dad but they currently just split up.I love babysitting my granddaughter but my daughter doesn’t give me Any signs that she’s grateful Or that she even likes me very standoffish more into her texting her social media.My granddaughter is everything to me she is such a blessing we are so close and that’s everything to me but I still would love to be close to my daughter. I go out of my way to please her but nothing pleases her I clean her house spotless for when she comes home so she has nothing to do or worry about but nothing seems to get her attention to even look at me.And I was wondering to myself why isn’t her boyfriend babysitting on his days off and is it weird to ask him to pay me for watching his child.I feel like I’m being used by both of them which in return I’m getting a relationship with my granddaughter I get that but But treat me like I’m at least a family member.So I mentioned it to my daughter and she acted like I was out of my mind.I don’t know am I out of my mind?
     
  2. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Welcome

    I don’t have grandchildren but I do have adult children so I can’t answer to whether or not you should get paid from experience. But just from my perspective I think if you’re watching your granddaughter on a regular scheduled basis so your daughter and boyfriend can go to work, I think you should charge something. This is not an infrequent event so they can go out on a date night.

    I would also STOP cleaning her home! You’re not being appreciated. Your being taken advantage of in my opinion.

    I would try to pull your focus off your daughter and do things that bring you enjoyment. Have a life of your own.

    Maybe your daughter is going thru too much right now (as is evident with her break up) and she can’t see beyond her own problems.

    Don’t set yourself up to be hurt by her neglect of you. Love yourself like you’d like to be loved and respected.

    Sending hugs
     
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    If you need the money and would otherwise work yourself, or else really feel that you should get paid, absolutely push the issue, although I think your daughter should pay half of it. These days the courts don't expect just Dad to pay. You want to keep Dad on your side.

    If you don't really miss the money and love your grand so much, I would not do it if this were me. I will explain why.

    My daughter never liked me much. Like yours, she never acted happy or thankful for anything her dad and I did for her and we did plenty. Tons.

    Recently we cut off her money supply. She is 33 and I have two loving grateful kids who wanted us to stop for our own sakes. She was making us both sick. We took their advice, knowing they were right. Our therapist had been suggesting we do this too and the Al Anon group that we go to.

    My daughter has a dear son. Since we haven't been giving her money she won't let us see him. There is nothing we can do. Grandparents have no rights except under a few odd circumstances such as the death of your child. We don't see Jaden anymore. Your daughter could do the same to you.

    Now if this situation is keeping you up nights, giving you high blood pressure, aggrevating your diabetes or ruining your life, I strongly suggest seeking out a good therapist to help you learn how to make your life better.

    If you are still okay, I don't know if it's worth disrupting the status quo. Your daughter reminds me of mine. You don't know what she will do, but she is in control of her daughter no matter how deeply you two are bonded. She may even be jealous of that bond, even if she doesn't want it from you. Difficult adult kids are very hard to figure out. They often seem to make no sense. My daughter has strange illogical logic, if that makes sense.

    I do think, just in case your daughter finds a less friendly SO or decides to move to China, you may want to spend a few days every week with your other loved ones and friends and activities. Don't make your entire life dependent upon one little girl whom your daughter controls. We need balance or we can be destroyed.

    I do not know how you can make your daughter kind to you. My oldest looks at me as if I have six eyes if I try to tell her how I feel and is not moved by any words. My two other kids love me. We don't need a talk about it, they just do. You can try talking to your daughter. Do you have a spouse and other kids who treat you right? You sound very kind.

    God bless you and I wish you the best. Stick around. We care.
     
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  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I have learned with my DCs that I teach people how to treat me. And that if I do something for someone to check my motives. If I am doing it to get something from that person (love, attention, validation) , I need to change myself on the inside.

    I agree with what has been said. Don't clean the house. Stop doing what she can do for herself . Since you watch the baby so daughter can work, and she would have to pay for childcare otherwise , yes, I would charge her something . I would give her a reduced rate if I didnt need the money but charge something as a sign of respect and appreciation (this is a way to get that without asking for it directly!).

    Focus on you, tend to yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When you fall in love with yourself through doing that, you won't look for love and approval from your daughter.
     
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with the extras. stop. Do it gradually. Spend the time with your grandaughter having fun. Do things you enjoy. If you want to take her to the zoo or a movie you could ask her parents to contribute if finances are an issue. I am not sure how i feel about getting paid. i watch mine to get her off to school in am but only for couple hours. I don't charge.
     
  6. Kassiesmom

    Kassiesmom New Member

    I just wanted to thank you for responding I wasn’t expecting so much of people’s time on here .Im learning the internet thing all together trying to learn this place to on how to do stuff I can’t express how much I have a different outlook on my situation just being here so short time .thank you for responding
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I didn't respond earlier, but I would suggest that you let each of the parents pay someone else for one day a week, each.

    Maybe let them know you need some free time, and you can do Mon, Wed, Friday. When she's about two, she might benefit from early preschool to socialize with other kids. Most parents would be very appreciative of even three days a week of free child care.

    Some people will take advantage of your generosity. I have a friend that drives 50 miles to babysit her two young grands once a week, she spends the night, so the parents can shop, run errands, have dinner out. And then babysits the next day, then comes home. I think it's wonderful she is able to do this. But she has a healthy relationship with her daughter and son in law. And at the time she did this, her own husband was working out of town and only home on weekends, so it worked out good.

    Ksm
     
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't know what the financial situation looks like for your daughter and her boyfriend. I definitely think you should be paid for babysitting, and especially for cleaning their house. Do you want to continue doing this? I think your daughter is getting away with a bargain. Nobody wants to put a kid in daycare. The ideal arrangement is a grandma or aunt.
     
  9. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    For me my healing began when I shared my problem. Staying isolated does not bring healing.

    That’s one of the reasons I feel this forum works.

    We know we are not alone.
     
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm a grandparent and I can see it both ways.

    If you were not watching the child then they would have to pay someone else.

    If you need the money then yes, they should be paying you.

    If it were me and I could watch my grandchildren without any financial hardship then I would do it for free, however I would not be cleaning, cooking or doing any laundry. I understand your heart is in the right place wanting it to be nice for daughter when she comes homes but this really borders on enabling. That being said, if my babysitting was not appreciated with verbal "thank you's" and I felt like I was being used, then I would have a conversation about it because at that point, it is enabling.

    I understand this can be a delicate issue and you do not want to jeopardize the relationship you have with your grandchild. I think you need to sit down with your daughter and have a conversation about this.
    I would only discuss the issue of payment. I would not bring up the fact that you have been cleaning, etc.... because you did that on your own and was not part of the "agreement" of you watching your grandchild. Don't get me wrong, your efforts should have been appreciated but because they weren't there is not point in going there and I would absolutely stop doing that. You may want to consider cutting back on the amount of days you can watch her as this will force the issue with your daughter and the boyfriend that they will need to pay someone else.
    Boundaries are needed here. You went into this with the best of intentions but you did not set any boundaries so there was no clear expectation of how this would work. It's easy to "assume" with family that things will just work out but in reality, when dealing with family we need more than ever to have clear boundaries in place.

    I wish you all the best!! Please let us know how things go.
     
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