Should I contact my son

Helpless29

Active Member
My last post was of my sons disturbing phone video chat to me , he was on drugs & exposed his private part to me, this happened April 12th , he hasn’t tried contacting me or never called or texted to say Happy Mother’s Day but I wasn’t expecting him to . I don’t know if he’s aware of what he did but I kinda think so . Anyway I heard from his friend he’s doing good , I know he still has his apartment & is working construction.I know him & his dad has had contact over messenger. My question is should I contact him?I do miss him & would like to see him despite what he did. I mentioned this to my husband & he acourse said he feels like I will somehow be sucked into my sons drama or will get back on a emotional roller coaster , but when is the right time? Is there ever a right time?? I know I been at peace & happy since I distanced myself from him & I am happy to know he’s working & has a home , should I just let things be & not contact him? I do miss him a lot but not all the drama. I’m confused
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Maybe just mail him a note that you hope things are going good and you are thinking of and praying for him. Ksm
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi there. I am glad your son is doing well.

I think this is kind of a no guarantees deal with our kids. They take us for up and down rides and we know that it's not going to be a straight ride up or down until/unless they are sober and thriving without us. Do you know what your ex spoke to him about? Maybe your son asked for and received money. That, and other help, is always a hot topic for these young adults. It would be a good sign if he called just to chat!


If you are feeling strong and are ready to contact him WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS then in my opinion that's the best time. If we expect sincere apologies, unconditional love and regret that will carry over to the future....in my opinion that's when and how we get hurt and angry. At least this is true for ME, maybe not you...did not mean to imply we deal with things the same way.

Only you know if this is a good time for you to contact him. You miss him certainly. He is your child. I miss Kay. But often I miss the Kay who is nice, kind and loving...and that really isn't Kay. I don't miss the Kay who abuses me and at times contact just broke me in pieces. For my husband and I not hearing from her helps us remain balanced and at peace. Because she is destructive to us. And we are tired Your son is much younger.

Such a hard decision this is with no perfect answer. I wish I could tell you the right thing to do for both of you.

I send you the wish for peace and calmness as you make this difficult decision. Maybe think about it for two days and see how you feel then. There is no rush to act. Sometimes time is our best friend in decisions like these.

Hugs. Good luck!
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi

If it were me and I knew he was doing "good" I think I would remain silent.

in my opinion he owes you an apology before you speak to him again. I don't care if he remembers or not, what he did was over the top disrespectful and just wrong on so many levels. I feel he did this because he has been manipulating you and now you have realized this and are not allowing it any longer and he is mad. That is typical of this behavior profile.

I'm not trying to be harsh but honestly I've been through a LOT with our son as you have read here and you have every right to maintain your safe distance and sanity.

I can assure you that you will someday have a relationship with your son again. I KNOW how hard this is. You cannot rush this. He has to feel you not being in his life. I honestly think that is a big factor of why our son did the work to get better because he and I had been so very close until he went down the wrong path.

Last night we were watching a TV program and I made a comment on a character having something bad happen and he said that "you reap what you sow". How true those words are. He had to learn that lesson the hard way along with every other lesson we tried to teach him as parents. Why some have to do things this way is a mystery to me.

I will continue to pray for your son because he reminds me of mine in a lot of ways. This can and will get better. Give him the space he needs to do this.

Hugs to you.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I agree with RN. Of course, you need to do what's best for you but I know for myself my thoughts are not my two sons thoughts. When there were times I knew they were working and had a place to live, somehow I wanted to partake in that "normalcy" they were experiencing. After all isn't that what we hope for most of the time? That they have food, shelter a job and some normalcy in their lives? It somehow made me kind of feel like regular people.

I often think of that saying "you are as strong as your weakest link". My mind hears it like this..."We are as happy as our happiest child". It's unfortunate but definitely how I seem to live my life. I can't be fully happy in life until I know they're doing "OK" which shouldn't be the case and I work on that daily.

I would give it time.
 

Mamacat

Active Member
This thread was good for me to read. My daughter is not speaking to me because I didn’t agree to the financial assistance she wanted. She’s almost 50 years old and it’s been a long journey. I’m ready to enjoy my life without the stress and drama. I did send her a text one day that said thinking of you this morning and she answered thanks mama. That’s it. I’m okay with that. I read that one of you said we’ll see our kids again. I believe that. She needs to experience life without mama around to help financially. I’ve done it for years and that’s enough.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You all stated this so much better than I did. Honestly I don't know if I will see my daughter again because she is not particularly attached to us (adopted and made it clear that she NEVER felt she belonged....no matter how hard we tried to make her feel loved....even she tells us she knows we tried and do love her). I think this is an unusual situation....most kids do try to reach out again, I believe.

I also see where getting into a child's life when when he or she is doing well CAN be a bad idea. Kay was never in a good place so that we could test this out.

RN, your son is amazing AS ARE YOU! It's great to hear a good ending. I love reading your story.

I feel that the younger the child, the better the possible outcome is. I wish we had done things like you did. Maybe things would be different.
 
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