Should we help?

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
We have a friend looking in on our home each day. It is so hard he is angry and says he has no place to stay and no money. Has said his rehab counselor has asked us to send him money for a hotel and food until he has himself sorted out. She has my number and I have not heard from her. We offered him a bus ticket here and he flatly refused so he can't be that desperate. They do not care how they mess with our minds and play on our emotions. It is at times like this I find it hard to be compassionate. Staying strong.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
There is no end to the begging and pleading I just checked my texts and phone. He is still calling looking for a room and food from us. I think he believes he is too good for a shelter. Well if you have no money and no food, where else do you go. He has had 9 days to sort out his situation and has clearly done nothing. His choices his consequences. If we bail him out he learns nothing.

I have to trust that he will survive, if he is that hungry and homeless he would go to a shelter. We offered to get him a bus ticket up to the cottage and he refused because the bus ride was too long.

I am desperately trying not to cave and book a room or send him e transfer for food. It is sooo hard.

Surprisingly my husband is done done done. He is not wavering in the least.

Thank you all for all your support, it truly helps.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
Don't waiver. He's ok or he would have been on that bus. He wants drugs. He wants to feel that he has the power to make you dance to his fiddle. He ruled the roost for far too long.
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
Strange, my husband was done and is done too.

Ours has chosen to punish us by no contact, ok then, let's see how this works out for you.

We will not leave town until the locks are changed!
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Hang in there, LBL. For what it's worth, I'D sure take a long bus trip to your cottage -- it sounds lovely. So to my mind he can't be that desperate. Tomorrow's the day he sees the agencies that stand to help him, right?
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Well-Known Member
It will be very difficult and painful for you and your husband to appreciate the depths to which he will sink. If you think he's bad now just wait, it will continue to get worse until he FINALLY realizes this is it, and his old ways won't work anymore. Right now he doesn't believe you are serious so he is going to become more and more hateful, manipulative and abusive expecting eventually you will crack. You must not crack.

Giving in to him will only keep him going exactly like this, he will have you where he wants you and it will be much harder to extricate yourself next time.

He will look back in shame, and offer you amends in time.

In the meantime, do not let him abuse you or your good heart and love for him.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Hang in there, LBL. For what it's worth, I'D sure take a long bus trip to your cottage -- it sounds lovely. So to my mind he can't be that desperate. Tomorrow's the day he sees the agencies that stand to help him, right?
Yes he is apparently having some meetings tomorrow. I do know that the program he is meeting with also provides emergency housing. He is just not interested in having it. Too many rules I imagine.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
It will be very difficult and painful for you and your husband to appreciate the depths to which he will sink. If you think he's bad now just wait, it will continue to get worse until he FINALLY realizes this is it, and his old ways won't work anymore. Right now he doesn't believe you are serious so he is going to become more and more hateful, manipulative and abusive expecting eventually you will crack. You must not crack.

Giving in to him will only keep him going exactly like this, he will have you where he wants you and it will be much harder to extricate yourself next time.

He will look back in shame, and offer you amends in time.

In the meantime, do not let him abuse you or your good heart and love for him.
Phones remain on silence and we have not answered. I must admit I almost sent him some financial support....didn't do it as I agree with all of you. I see this as the last chance at saving him from a sad life of drugs and crime.
 

DoneDad

Well-Known Member
There are shelters. There are places for homeless people to eat. He might think he's too good for them, but if he's really desperate they are available. People in America don't starve to death.

That being said, you have to do what's right for you and your peace of mind.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
I do know that the program he is meeting with also provides emergency housing. He is just not interested in having it. Too many rules I imagine.
I know torn you are feeling. This stuff is just so, so difficult to accommodate as a parent. But the sad and blunt truth is, if he won't follow their rules, he won't follow yours either.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Son was picked up last night for vagrancy. He was held until a friend of the family bailed him out. Now I had to fill her in on all the sodid detsils. She has him st her place showering and feeding him. He still refuses to get in a 3 hour bus ride to stay with us up here. He is still not ready to change. I am sad it is breaking my heart but I see the reality. He is certainly resourceful.
 

wisernow

wisernow
Please please stay strong. This becomes a test of wills. He needs to know that you and hubby are no longer his doormats. If he was desperate he would have taken the bus. He is playing with your head and your heart. At some point a line in the sand needs to be drawn. If not now...when...and how much heart ache are you prepared to put yourselves through? He must make his choices and face his consequences. As SWOT used to say do not think of him as a young boy. He is a grown man. Hugs...I know this is so so hard. But please think of yourselves, your marriage, your health. Time is short.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
LBL

It seems you almost have him right where you want him. My son is in rehab instead of the streets because he thinks he's too good too. But he's still playing his game. I know that he is safe there so I do have some comfort but after 6 years of this CRAP it's not much comfort and I honestly don't know what he'll do next.

I watched Dope Man the other night (husband out of town and he is already on overload from all the drug info that I seek) and it was filmed in the town I live in. I had to keep seeing our water tower over and over. Really hit a nerve.

He said that these kids need to get sober and THEN the work really begins. The way they think.....

I know my son is sober for months at a time and STILL DOES NOT THINK RIGHT. Where did he learn how to think like this??? It's baffling and frightening.

This is such a long and difficult journey for us. The people that love the addict.

:staystrong:
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Update
Family friend picked up son from police station. She has seen the ugly side of son now. He is high. Passed out on her woke up incoherent. Was with a buddy and his girlfriend and sons girlfriend when they were charged with theft. Is staying at his buddies house so I guess we know where the money for the hotel was going to go.
Is with his out patient rehab counselor and they are seeking emergency housing for him. He will get kicked out because he won't follow the rules.
He told me he was arrested for vagrancy. He was arrested for theft and possession of stolen property.
I am so so sick of this.
A part of me wants to feel guilty and think I did this by putting him out on the street. I have to stay strong. He had choices. He could have come with us. He could have gotten on a bus and come to meet us. He could have gone to a shelter and the food bank. I don't believe for one minute he was without shelter or hungry.
He just called me and he is with his rehab counselor and social worker. He is incoherent and accused me of trash talking him to all our friends. Truth is he is out of avenues and people to manipulate. His problem not mine.
It hurts so bad it hurst more than being told your son is dead. Because the way he is choosing to live is like slow suicide.
My husband is very hurt and wants to cut him off 100%. I will give him time to adjust to this new information.
He has now got new charges. The question I ask myself is why is he not in jail as he is out on bail and was arrested for theft. I just don't get it.
Does this not send the wrong message.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Husband just said he blocked all communication on his work and personal phone....I know he now sees our son for what he has truly become. I know how much this hurts.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Sorry you are having to deal with this at all and certainly on your vacation week.

Many of us have been down this road. It's not the road we choose for them.

Do not feel guilty. Not having him in your home may have escalated his behavior but that could escalate him getting help also and that is how you should try to look at it.

Hang in there. We are all pulling for you.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Well it hasn't escalated his behavior he is stealing from other people instead of us now. He was stealing before he left I knew it. He doesn't Care.

I can not believe sons counselor just called asking us to provide hotel for him until they find housing for him because they don't want him to go to a shelter! I told her he had a choice to come with us and he has lied to them. He is clearly on Xanax I know how he talks when he is on Xanax. There are drugs in the shelters was her excuse. I said oh is he better on the streets getting picked up for theft and being charged again and being on drugs?? He can't stay at his buddies any more because his buddy is in Jail. What is wrong with these interfering do gooders!! I can tell he is on drugs just by listening to him. How he lives his life is his choice. If there are drugs at school don't take the. If you have a drug problem get help for it...or not. He is choosing the not. If there are drugs in shelters then don't do them. I am certainly not getting a hotel room that he can do drugs in comfortably.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
They all want to push it off on the parents rather than let them suffer consequences. Ick.
 
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