Sister molested by step-son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Annie54, Apr 30, 2018.

  1. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Hi all, I’m new to this site, thank you for accepting me. I’ve been googling this problem but can’t seem to find a similar issue and hoping you can advise me how best to support my sister.

    My sister is 57 and has lived with her partner for 14 years. He has a 23yr old daughter and a 16yr son, Jake, who live mostly with their bio mum but stay over regularly. There are no issues with the step-daughter. Jake has started to stay more often.

    My sister is currently staying with me on and off and has been in a distressed state, but finding her situation at home intolerable. She is a loving and giving person, who as a nurse always puts others before herself. I hate to see her so upset.
    Jake’s behaviour has become increasingly disrespectful over the years and he is dismissive of her using the foulest of language on a regular basis.
    His main hobby when he stays is playing video games, which seem to have become quite violent and he is regularly heard screaming and shouting in his room. Jake’s dad has not provided any boundaries and hasn’t challenged him about the way he talks to my sis. Jake was diagnosed several years ago with ADHD and taking medication. Since his early school years he has had behavioural problems at school including aggressive behaviour, a lot of which has been excused because of the diagnosis. In the past he has introduced himself ‘I’m Jake, I’ve got ADHD.’

    My sis recently disclosed that Jake came into her bedroom when his dad was not there and touched her under the bedclothes. When she woke with a fright, he denied it, saying he was stroking the cat who was on the bed. There were 5 further bedroom visits when he lifted her bed covers.

    My sister talked to her partner about it but he says she must’ve imagined it, and doesn’t believe his son would do such a thing. Instead her partner deflected it by saying Jake told him she was stealing money from his room and also made up lies about things my sister had said about his mother.

    Her partner says he wants them to sort it out, in a ‘sweep it under the carpet’ sort of way.

    As it stands, my sister comes to stay with me whenever Jake comes home. Her partner says he can come home whenever he wants and is highly irritated that she keeps coming to stay with me. She’s backwards and forwards like a yo-yo. Not only feeling afraid of Jake’s lies and behaviour, but of not being believed by her partner.

    My sister is heartbroken, she loves her partner and doesn’t know how to move forward. By the way, I fully believe my sister.

    Thanks so much for reading, and I welcome your comments and advice.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    First of all, you can't force your grown sister to do anything, but I think most people in that situation would and should leave for good. The partner is going to stick up for his son no matter how badly your sister is treated. No offense, but he sounds like a total jerk. But some women can love and wont leave abusive men. The son is part of this disrespectful package. And since we have no power to change anyone except us, I have no advice as to how she can make sisters partner a better man. Or how to make your sister see that she is ruining her life.

    i don't know what country you live in. I live in the United States and would have called the police on this kid and child protective services. This young man is headed for disaster. I don't know if these are options for getting help where you live.

    Although I do think most people would leave, your sister is in charge of her own life and if she wants to stay, for whatever reason, that is her own decision. I hope she one day gets out of there and takes better care of herself!

    Love and light!
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
  3. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Thank you for your reply, love and light back to you.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Could she put a door alarm on the bedroom door? Or does her door lock? I have a little battery operated alarm that you can take with you when traveling in motels. She shouldn't have to do it...her boyfriend should man up and handle the situation.

    I hope she decides that this is all unacceptable. I assume she does not have children at thus home. I would also be concerned that his sister might have been treated to similar behaviors.

  5. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    I can't give you on insights as to why this teenager is doing these things or behaving this way, not can I speculate really on why the dad (her partner) is so grossly in denial. The fact is that your sister is being abused and her partner is allowing it to happen. What does *she* think of this? Because her response is really the only thing that will help her in this situation. And that response needs to include removing herself from the situation if this boy and her partner continue with this assault. Very sad. I hope she leaves. It can't be easy.

    As for you, brace yourself for her potentially not changing her situation and continuing to rely upon you for temporary lodging when the step son is home. That could go on for a long time. You'll need to figure out how you feel about being part of the entire scenario. I know you want to help your sister and would do anything for her, it sounds. But you may find yourself feeling as manipulated as she is at some point. Good luck. I wish you and your sister strength.
  6. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Thank you Ksm. She seems to be recognising things are not going to change.
  7. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Thank you JRC. I have shown my sister these comments and says thank you all and agrees with the advice given. She has decided to look for alternative accommodation. Many many thanks.
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  8. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    Best of luck to her and you <3
  9. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    And I can't quite tell from the post whether the 23 year old daughter lives with the bio mom and Jake? Or is she out on her own. I hope she's safe from his activities.
  10. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    HMBgal - thanks for you input.
    I don’t know too much about the 23yr old daughter was not that she used to live with mum and have sleepovers at the dad’s. She’s been quietly tolerant of her brother’s behaviour over the years. She’s been living independently for a few years, is in a relationship and quite settled as far as I’m aware.
  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with those saying she needs to leave but if she is unwilling definitely locks on the door good ones. I also wonder about security cameras turned on when her partner is not around to disprove sons accusations and possibly prove hers. I don't know the legalities of that maybe someone else does.
  12. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Thanks tired mama. Yep, we bought security camera disguised as a clock, but couldn’t figure out how to work the thing ! She’s left for now, and I think showing her the comments on this site have helped my sis accept how inappropriate her step-son’s behaviour has been. Thanks again.
  13. Dory

    Dory Member

    I am not sorry, I am so angry and sad that the Dad doesn't wake up and support your sister.

    She should be number ONE!
  14. Annie54

    Annie54 New Member

    Thanks Dory for your view. My sister is a very loving and tolerant woman. Too much so. She has not taken any official action because she fears the impact on her partners wider family and on Jake’s potential future. She has even tried to make excuses for him, until she got to the point she was afraid of being left alone with him. I think she would’ve been satisfied just to have been believed. I hoped her partner would want to put plans in place not only to protect her, but to involve the services his son is under for them to assess his risk to others and put in safeguarding measures as appropriate. As it stands there are no boundary lines to say ‘this far and no further.’