Sister of explosive child

[Lilacdust]

I decided to join to find support, a few days ago my family and I found out that my 14 year old sister has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and it's great to finally find other people I can relate to. I'm not the mother, not the parent but I suffer just as much, the whole family does.

I'm 21 years old young woman with a 24 year old sister and a 14 year old sister who has had explosive anger problems since she was very little. I personally have suffered from depression all my life since very little and also social anxiety, my mom does too, I take after her a lot. My dad, older sister and little sister are the ones who act the most "dominant", the most who start fights and arguments while my mom and I are mostly the doormats who have to take others' anger.

What to say, the whole family has problems and couldn't be any more broken. My dad has anger problems, he has always awarded my little sister's anger and violent behavior "because she reminds him of himself". My mom is 51 years old and all her life she's suffered from emotional/physical/sexual/verbal abuse from her family (both my mom's and dad's families have a long history of emotional/physical/sexual abuse) and her own husband (our dad) has been emotionally abusive and controlling all 29 years of marriage so my mom has always been very unhappy and depressed, no friends at all, my dad never let her have friends or let her work or anything, my dad was very controlling and even now they can't stand each other but just try to put up with each other because my mom has nowhere else to go if she divorces.

Everyone has their problems, my dad and little sister have their anger problems and my mom and I have our depression/social anxiety problems, we don't have friends or support, we're scared of the outside world, interacting with strangers and doing things on our own, instead we hide at home and always feel stuck and trapped and miserable. My older sister is the most "normal" she goes to college and has worked a low-wage job since she was 17, she's hardworking and confident and she's the most normal but she still has those days of yelling when she shouldn't.

The biggest problem we have as a family is my little sister who we just found out has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (we knew she had a problem, we just didn't know how to call it). I've been reading posts here and I can relate to so many things, I can relate to how exhausting and distressing it is living day in and day out with a child so full of anger and hatred, filling us with fear, having to be quiet or else she'll grab a knife and threaten to kill us all, having to call the police only for our sister to act like WE'RE the problem.

It really is exhausting and I would really love to find support. I'm just her sister but I'm just as deeply affected by her behavior as if I was her own mother, even though I'm 21 I do have depression and anxiety and because of that I've tried and failed at learning how to drive, tried and failed at going to college, tried and failed at getting a job, I struggle with the simplest things and I don't even have support from my own family since we all have problems. I just don't know how to be independent, it's a struggle for me so I'm literally STUCK in this hell hole of a house where EVERYONE is miserable, everyone. Often I feel like I'm the only sane person in the house because EVERYONE has their anger problems one day or another, EVERYONE fights amongst each other, EVERYONE argues and NOBODY ever listens to each other. There honestly is no good communication in my family, even my parents don't know how to communicate at all, there is always yelling and hostility among my 2 sisters or parents. I often feel like I'm the only sane person here because I literally have the patience of a saint, I don't know how I do it but I'm always patient, I'm a pacifist, I don't see the point in making things worse by yelling back or fighting with anyone. I always act like the "family counselor" trying to give my own family members advice and I always listen listen listen to everyone's problems and I try to see everyone's perspective on things.

It affects me badly though, all the fighting all the time, not just with my little sister but with my dad as well. He's always working so he's rarely at home but even on the phone, he's yelling and when he comes home he just makes everything worse. He always blames my mom and makes her cry even when it's obvious that nothing is her fault, my dad can sometimes have this sadistic side to him where it's almost like he enjoys making my mom cry. My mom really has no support and I feel for her, I really wish she had support from other mothers that can understand her and talk with her. She only knows a bit of English though, her first language is Spanish but I really think it would be a miracle if she had someone to at least talk to and relate with her. I've tried searching for forums like this in Spanish but I couldn't find any. Do any of you know Spanish? It would be wonderful if she could find someone who to talk to who can relate to her.

We are always distressed because of my little sister, she is becoming more and more out of control. Even when she was very very little, she always had explosive anger, she was always filled with hatred even though my parents have treated her more lenient than they treated me and my older sister. My parents, especially my dad (he's the one with the money, the one who acts like the only authority in the house, he treats my own mother like her opinions don't matter, he treats my own mother like her authority doesn't matter) always treated my little sister with a lot more freedom, he would let her go to friend's houses and have sleep-overs and go camping and go to trips and have many toys, he spoils my little sister rotten with ANYTHING she wants no matter how expensive. Even with my little sister's nasty behavior, she insults, she punches, she disrespects and acts violent and yet my dad awards her to "shut her up", he buys her anything she wants and not only that, he actually DEFENDS my little sister's defiant behavior and instead argues with my mom and blames everything on my mom.

My little sister treats my mom the worst, my little sister has literally chased my mom with a knife before, I can't count how many times my little sister has threatened to kill my mom or how many times she's made my mom cry, I can't count how many times my little sister has hurt my mom and insulted her and made her life a living hell and yet whenever my mom tells anything to my dad, my dad immediately blames my mom for everything and AWARDS my little sister, again maybe it's that abusive side of him that loves to hurt my mom as well? I don't know but it's the same with me and my older sister, whenever we tell my dad about my little sister's violence my dad ALWAYS defends her, ALWAYS turns it all against US and honestly my dad does not make these problems any easier to deal with!

Just today, it's my mom's birthday and she has spent all day crying. My dad has been away all day, my little sister was cooking herself some food and the moment my mom woke up, my little sister had a plate accidentally fall on her own foot and my little sister started SCREAMING at the top of her voice, SCREAMING AND SCREAMING, it sounded as if she was screaming because her foot had been chopped off! She screamed as if someone was killing her, it was very distressing TO ME just hearing that...but no, she was fine! Yes a plate fell on her foot and it HURT and she got a bruise but she was fine, my little sister IS FINE and yet that's when hell broke loose. She screamed and screamed, my mom quickly went to help her, as my mom was helping her with her foot, my little sister was throwing insults at my mom but my mom continued helping her. A few minutes after, the pain was gone and my little sister continued yelling to be taken to a doctor when all she had was a simple bruise, she started demanding to be taken to the doctor, demanding here and now when my older sister was just getting ready to go to work. My little sister got angry that my other sister was going to work and said,"NO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK TODAY!" and she RAN to the bathroom to not let my older sister use it to get ready for work! My little sister was causing drama for no reason but to cause drama! She always does that!

More drama, drama, drama, yelling yelling yelling, after several minutes my little sister came out and was still yelling that,"NOBODY GIVES ME THANKS FOR COOKING" she started yelling at my mom for supposedly not giving her thanks for cooking when again my mom JUST WOKE UP the moment my little sister started her drama about her foot and there was no time to give thanks before my mom was already helping my sister with her foot, why didn't my little sister give my mom thanks? No instead my little sister insults my mom and yet still demands "thanks". A few minutes after my little sister grabbed a hair spray and threw it at my mom, hitting her and making her cry. :/

All day my little sister is just explosive, volatile, assaulting everyone with insults and violence, we can't take it anymore. We literally cannot say a simple thing before she explodes with rage. I feel awful for my mom because today was her birthday and ALL MY MOTHER WANTED was peace and quiet for once, that's all she wanted for her birthday, some peace and quiet and she had such a miserable day today crying because my little sister just wouldn't stop attacking her with insults and of course when my mom called my dad to explain everything, my dad made it all worse blaming it all on my mom. *sigh*

We literally live every single day like this and worse, any little innocent thing makes my little sister explode with rage, even something as innocent as the dog wagging it's tail makes her angry! I kid you not, my little sister will wake up and our dog will wag her tail and greet her and my sister will go,"GO AWAY I'LL KILL YOU" and try to kick the dog! Only for a few minutes to pass and she acts normal going,"Aww doggy!". We're currently taking care of a kitten that my sister found on the street and the kitten pooped and that alone made my little sister rage and go,"WHERE'S THE CAT I'M GOING TO KILL IT!" literally searching the house for the kitten!

We can't live like this! This is too chaotic, too distressing, living in a house like this is toxic and kills our souls, it's soul-shattering, it's exhausting, it's stressful, I can't deal with this, my mom can't deal with this, nobody can deal with all this drama every single day of our lives. It has always been like this, day in and day out, nothing ever changing...back in 2005, we tried family therapy because I begged them all but nobody took it seriously. Again we're trying but it's a slow process, I wish we had family therapy or psychologist appointments 2 times a week or something but no, my parents are sort of anti-help in their own ways, my mom doesn't seek much help because of her anxiety and fear of approaching people and my dad always makes excuses that he's busy and even when we BEG for a psychologist or some type of help, he just ignores us but hopefully we'll start getting some family therapy help, even if it's something like once a month. :/

It's so tiring, it's so exhausting, it's mind-numbing, disastrous, soul-crushing, it's literally a hell-hole living in this house! I really cannot take this and I need support, my mom needs support, we need support.

Some of the problems I noticed is that my little sister does not care how badly she affects us all, she honestly doesn't care. She hates us, she hates her family when there is no reason to, she is filled with hatred and she doesn't care how badly we're affected by her anger. She will insult us, yell at us, make us cry, make us have an emotional break down from all the anxiety and she is NEVER EVER sorry, in all her life, she has not once apologized for how badly she affects us. She is never sorry, if she sees one of us cry, she'll just get ANGRIER and insult us even more. She doesn't care about anyone else but herself, she literally acts like she is the princess of all the world, like even police have to bow down to her. Like one of the police told us a few days ago,"She acts like it's all a game but it isn't" it's true. I even had a dream about it, I had a dream where we were in the kitchen and the floor was slippery wet and my little sister was playing with a huge knife and I was trying to take the knife away from her and she kept almost stabbing me in the face and yet she kept laughing and laughing treating it all as a game and I tried to tell her,"This isn't a game!" and yet my voice disappeared in my dream, I was so upset and I tried telling her that all of this isn't a mind game and yet I couldn't speak and she kept laughing.

A few days later that dream almost came true, my mom had just mopped the floor minutes before my little sister decided to grab a knife to threaten us with because she got "annoyed" at us. Fortunately the floor had dried so nothing slipped and fortunately my little sister didn't actually stab anyone but we did have to call the police and the cop did tell us that my little sister acts like this is all a game and it's true, it's the exact same message from my dream, that my little sister acts like this is all A GAME and she doesn't care how much we're being emotionally affected.

Some of my little sister's problems are that she feels no remorse, she never feels sorry for upsetting us and she can't control her anger. She will explode with rage, grab a knife, threaten to kill us or she'll grab an object and bruise someone or cause major fear with her violence, make us cry, make me tremble with complete anxiety and panic and yet minutes after she will suddenly act like everything is normal, just minutes after she will act cheerful and talk to us as if she never got angry in the first place. That's something we've all noticed that for example, she will yell and insult and disrespect and threaten and act completely wild with rage filling us with pure TERROR and we are SHAKEN WITH TERROR only for a few minutes to pass and she acts cheerful and normal, talking to us normally and all we can do is keep quiet and listen to her and hide our anxiety/terror because if we said,"I still feel affected by how you acted"...that will only cause her to explode with anger again.

I hope I make sense but it's like we always have to listen listen listen to everything she wants to say and even when she affects us badly and we're crying and shaking with terror, she will "calm down" and act cheerful like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED and she will continue talking to us as if NOTHING EVER HAPPENED and for example even when I'm still shaking with terror, shaking or crying...she is suddenly talking to me about cartoons or something and I have to act "unaffected" or else if I tell her,"Leave me alone, I'm upset by your behavior" or "Leave me alone, you made me cry."...or anything like that, she just doesn't care and she will only get angry again, she feels no apology, she never feels sorry for how badly she affects us.

*sigh*
I can go on and on, it's exhausting and all I want is peace and quiet in my life, I want peace and quiet. I always try to stay away from all the chaos in the house but it's so hard to feel unaffected because there is literally fighting all day every day. I mostly lock myself in my bedroom and I don't even go to the living room because I know there will be fighting there. I don't go outside much because of my anxiety either so I feel "stuck" and "trapped" with nowhere to go, no way to escape from all the chaos.

*sigh*
I hope I can find this place a safe haven, I hope I can find support/understanding people here. Thank you for listening to my post.

 

[buddy]

Hi there Lilacdust! I think you will find lots of cyber moms here! I think some who speak spanish too. HOLA by the way, I wish my Spanish was better, I took lots of years but would never be able to do more than talk to a baby!

I think you sound far more resilient that you feel. Your coming here is a strong indicator that you are a problem solver.

Dont confuse not having the guidance, learning or experience with being UNABLE to do something. We all need experience and you are telling us that this is not the kind of setting you are coming from. I love that you care for your family but at your age, here is what I (and this is just my opinion but I had some of the chaos, not nearly the same level, and I had emotional problems at your age so....I will just share with you okay?)..... here is what I would suggest, but it is up to you.....

1. The BEST thing you can do for your family now??? Show them through your actions how a good life can happen. Take small steps each day/week/month to reach a goal. If your first goal is to have a job, you may need to start with volunteering. Think of it as a real job though. GREAT references can come from volunteering. And the pressure on you is less. Try a thrift store like Goodwill or an animal shelter or library etc. Food shelves are great to volunteer at too.

2. Call your county....ask about resources to help with educational and vocational placement. Are you officially diagnosed with your depression/mental health diagnoses? If so the Americans with Disabilities Act can protect you and help you to get support in school and on a job. Ask if there is help with that.

3. I think, and others here will be able to guide you more... that since you recognize your father's abuse, you will likely have some work to do to make sure that you can recover and have healthy relationships. You are sounding like you take on a parenting role a little bit with your mom. I understand that (believe me, the tables in my home were tipped like that too and I too identified with my mom, she relied on me too much I now know). Most moms think they have no where to go, but that is not true. She had a responsibility to keep you from that abuse but she did not know how. I am not blaming her! Believe me, but for you in the future to improve, I am sure your mom wants that for you. Your mom is still young enough to make changes herself. If your dad wont LET her, that is serious and so the suggestion I would make to you (dont panic here, they will not even have to know your real name) is to call a domestic violence center. Most communities have them. You can get support that maybe you can help your mom with too by passing it on. But start now with boundaries, this is HARD to do.... again, I have LIVED it.... you are not the mom, you are just starting your journey and you need to be willing to love your family but not feel responsible for them. You need to learn skills and your sister will watch and see a better role model that way. Everyone reacts to abuse and dysfunctional family differently and you went direction your sister another (plus your sister may have more going on since it started so early.... I doubt ODD is her final diagnosis, you will see here that most of us view it as a symptom of something else...it just describes behavior not what causes the behavior so it is not really a medical condition, does that make sense?)

Whatever you do... even if it is just to process what I and others are saying, just know you are welcome to vent and ask questions and be who you are here. This is a safe haven and you do not have to take every suggestion if it does not fit, they are only offered in hope and love and support to you.

by the way, there are on line instant messaging sites that you can enter the message in one language and when you hit submit it translates it to another language. I used it at times with students parents for informal communication and also one time when my son was in the hospital for a seizure evaluation and another family was there who was Spanish speaking. We were standing next to each other but typed messages to discuss our kids and it was wonderful! So, there may be ways for your mom to get info that way. I will look for it, but you can google for it too. it is free.


luv and support, Buddy (cyber mom from MN, lol)

 

[BusynMember]

Well, hey, being the sister (and a caring one), all I can advise is that you have no legal right to help your sister further. in my opinion more is going on that ODD. I'm not sure who diagnosed her, but did she have a complete 8-10 hour neuropsychologist evaluation? in my opinion those are the best. But you can't make anyone explore possible further diagnoses.

My advice, as a mom myself, is that YOU get that evaluation for yourself. I would see a neuropsychologist to see if there are any reasons why you have so much trouble doing the simple things in life (I had similar problems). If you can get assistance due to your own disabilities, you can get help finding a job that YOU can do, and you can get housing assistance so that you can move away from that dysfunctional house and start being as independent as possible. If your parents have no insurance for you, I would go to the local mental health department and start there. If they do have insurance for you, or if you have Medicaid and a teaching hospital nearby (they usually take Mediaid) I would make an appointment with a neuropsychologist.

I had severe depression/anxiety myself, but medications were very helpful for both. However, I also have "soft neurological symptoms" t hat nobody has really been able to diagnose, but they make it very hard for me to keep a job. I can not multi-task and get very confused when I try (so I get fired). I also have face blindness, an inability to recognize people, which makes it hard to even work at a McDonalds (picture giving the c hange back to the wrong person because, after you turned away to get the burgers, you forgot what the person who was paying you looked like. )

I found the Dept. of Vocational Rehab extremely helpful. I do work plus collect disability.

You need to get away from that environment if you can and make a life for yourself and there are resources out there to help you do it. You just need to take the first step and do it.

I wish you a lot of luck and please, please keep us posted! Glad you found us

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Try to get help for yourself . Your kid sister is in a better position than you are - she engages the world , assertive in her maladaptive way , also being used by her dad , but she is a fighter , she is defiant in meeting her needs.

Surround yourself with people who are supportive , have values - join a charity , local church , find a mentor, frienships etc - try to make a contribution etc

The problems - mother suffering, dad also , sister etc is a side tracking you from dealing with your own problems. Once you are self supporting , emotionallyu stronger etc you will be able to help your mother, sister etc and get more respect from them

Sending my positive thoughts and prayers im your direction

the bottom line - in order to help others they must be part of the solution and more important you need to be the attractive and competent personality who has the power to influence others.

You seem a very loyal and good person - but the Bible says - love your neighbour as yourself - you need to love yourself in order to love and help others

Allan

 

[Lilacdust]

Thank you everyone. Yesterday I had a mental break down again. I was sleeping when suddenly I woke up hearing my older sister (who's 24) yelling because the cat food ran out that morning, everyone was still asleep but she started yelling and b*****ng because the cat food ran out and she was blaming everyone about it as if we did it on purpose. She wouldn't stop yelling about it for 20 minutes and finally I got out of bed and I CALMLY told her,"You need to realize that there is no reason to yell because of something as simple as the cat food running out. We'll get more soon, calm down, you need to realize that yelling and b*****ing about this is ridiculous. This is why so much fighting in the house happens because you and everyone yell for reasons that aren't worth yelling about. You need to realize that yes the cat food ran out but just calm down, REALIZE in your MIND that there is no reason to yell about that!"

She tried to make excuses and again I'm talking about my OLDER sister,"But the cat food ran out! You are all starving the cat!" (she was yelling as if we were starving the cat on purpose when that is utterly ridiculous!). I CALMLY tried to make her understand that no we're not starving the cat, the cat is healthy and the food JUST ran out and that is nobody's fault, that is no reason to BLAME anyone and start yelling and causing drama!

This was first thing in the morning and this already upset me. JUST MINUTES AFTER my dad came home from the store with more cat food (see?) and he noticed that my little sister (14 years old) had given the cat tuna in the mean time. My dad got FURIOUS because that cat didn't eat the tuna and the tuna was now wasted. He started yelling at my little sister,"Why did you give the cat tuna when you knew the cat wasn't going to eat it!" (no she didn't KNOW the cat wasn't going to eat it!). My dad continued on yelling at my little sister about how big of a ~mistake~ it was for her to give the cat tuna, instead of my dad calming down and realizing that it's no big deal, no he just kept yelling and my little sister started screaming to make my dad back off.

First thing in the morning and already drama has happened. I try to calm things down before things escalate. I go on my "inner family counselor mode" and I try to explain to my dad,"Dad, calm down, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. She didn't know. You blaming and yelling at her that,"Why did you give the cat tuna if you knew the cat wouldn't eat it!" is a TRIGGER for an argument because you are BLAMING my little sister when there is no reason for blame, she didn't know the cat wasn't going to eat the tuna. Dad, you need to calm down, be aware of your own thoughts, you need to be aware of your language and how things you say trigger an argument by unnecessarily blaming my sister."

Nope, everything just went over his head. I tried to calmly explain it to him the reasons why fights escalate in the house (reasons like that, family blaming each other for the most innocent things). I want to PREVENT more fighting in the house, I try so hard to make my family understand what triggers the fights, I try so hard to make them AWARE of what triggers the fights and yet NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME.

I tried to calmly talk to my dad and he got more furious, he started yelling loudly at my face and trying to change the subject by complaining about the dishes and trash and I said,"You're changing the subject, all I want to do is let you know the reasons why arguments escalate, that's all I want to make you see, all I want to say is that sometimes you unnecessarily blame others for innocent things and that's what triggers all the arguments, I want you to be aware of when you trigger an argument so that no more fighting happens"...

Nope, he completely ignored everything I said, completely red in the face with rage and yelling at me, yelling yelling yelling right at my face. I was still calm, calm and patient like a saint, I again tried to tell him,"All I want is for you to listen to me calmly, listen to what I have to say, all I want is to help you and everyone prevent more fighting"....nope, he didn't listen, he continued yelling over me trying to change the subject and blame me for the broken state the house is in (he's the one that breaks the doors with his anger!) telling me to shut up, completely refusing to even listen to me when all I tried to do was talk calmly with him.

I completely broke down at that point, I started bawling my eyes out, I couldn't stop crying, my dad didn't let up, instead of hugging me or something, he just yelled at me louder telling me to stop crying but I just cried even louder, I started having another emotional break down because all I tried to do was have a calm conversation with him trying to help prevent any more fighting from escalating and instead of him listening to me, he continued yelling at me and yelling at me and saying things like,"YEAH YEAH I GET IT SHUT UP ALREADY!" and yet he didn't understand a word I was saying. Everything ended up escalating which was the thing I was trying my best to prevent. I couldn't stop crying and he just kept yelling at me loudly until I locked myself in my bedroom and I bawled my eyes out, I wailed loudly for 4 hours, yes literally 4 hours I bawled my eyes out crying loudly, I didn't stop crying for a second. I cried and cried and cried and cried for 4 hours without stopping, I couldn't stop.

So much crying completely exhausted me, the emotional break down I had drained all of my energy, I literally couldn't walk. My legs were weak, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't walk. I couldn't feel my hands, I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't feel my whole body. I was literally drenched in tears, my face and neck and shirt, everything drenched in tears. I couldn't stop crying for 4 hours non-stop. I was literally exhausted, I was dizzy, my eyes were blurry, everything spun around me, I had no strength for anything but to cry. My head was cold, I was shivering, my lips were tingly and numb, I felt like I would faint from so much crying, I literally couldn't stop wailing loudly because this family destroys my life, this family destroys my life and I felt so alone, so trapped, I wanted so badly to leave the house but I have nowhere to go. I wish I could go to a shelter, I wish I could leave. My boyfriend was calling many abuse shelters but none of them would accept me but to me this is pure hell, this is abuse, anyone that is in my shoes would call this a living hell.

My own family have no compassion, my own mom yelled at me,"SHUT UP!" because I was crying too loudly, my family doesn't care about how horrible they affect me. I don't know how to leave this toxic household. I truly wish I could leave and never see this family ever again, I can't stand to even see their faces, they literally make my life a living hell.

Try to be in my shoes, try to live 21 years with a family that all have irrational anger problems and no compassion and spend ALL DAY crying your guts out with no hope, no sense of hope to ever escape this hell hole and try not to feel abused and shattered. I can't stand it anymore, I can't. I already had 4 mental/emotional break downs like this in the last 2 weeks, I can't take this anymore.

I don't know how to seek help, I don't know where to go. I wish I could go to a shelter or something but so far the ones my boyfriend has called, they won't accept me. I wish I knew what to do. I often tell my dad to make me a psychologist appointment (I get anxious with phones) and he tells me,"Okay tomorrow" and he ignores it all. Right now I have a problem with insurance, there was a mix up and right now I can't have their services. Even if I had insurance, I don't know where to seek help.

"If you can get assistance due to your own disabilities, you can get help finding a job that YOU can do, and you can get housing assistance so that you can move away from that dysfunctional house and start being as independent as possible."
That's exactly what I want, to get help, to get assistance somehow because the way things are right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to get a job on my own. Even my 24 year old sister who's "normal" and confident and hard-working with a good resume, she has an associates degree and she's still going to college, she's studied Architecture and now she's studying Hospitality/Restaurant services and everyone loves her, she has a lot of work experience, a lot of praise, she's very hardworking and professional yet she STILL can't find a job! Not even minimum wage! She's stuck in the job she has but she's been trying for so long to get at least another minimum wage job and nope, nothing!

If even a normal person with high experience with work can't even get a job, even less I can because of my depression and anxiety and I get panic attacks when I'm in one place for too long, like I can't have school for 4-6 hours a day because I feel feel trapped and I panic and it's a lot of pressure on me, the same with work, I have panic attacks because the feeling of being in a job for 4-8 hours, it makes me feel trapped and like I'm there against my will and I panic, I can't stand it, I just don't know what to do.

I really do need assistance but I don't know where to find it. Volunteering is a good idea but just thinking about it makes me anxious, you're right it would have less pressure than a job but I would really love a job because at least I would earn money, even if it's 5 dollars, I really want to earn money so that I can feel more hopeful that even if I save it, I can be closer and closer to being more independent and leaving this hellhole of a household.

As for my mom, my dad has always tried not to physically hurt her because he KNOWS that if my mom gets a bruise he might get caught with his abuse so he has always emotionally abused my mom, humiliating her, making her cry deliberately, blaming her for things, when they first got married my mom was very independent and she was actually the one paying bills, he got envious and he literally got my mom fired and he dragged her physically out of her work and he forbid her to have friends, he didn't let her get a job or even learn how to drive. He always treated my mom like ****, even when my mom was pregnant and she was hungry, my dad would let her go hungry and come home drunk. Just so many problems. As time went on my dad "calmed down" a little more and he's not as home as much, when he comes home he still argues with my mom but it's more like they just can't stand each other. Whenever I mention to my mom in finding her help for all the abuse she has lived, she always defends my dad and says how,"Things aren't that bad right now, just let it go" and she just refuses any help.

Back when I was in high school, 15-18 I used to see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist but they weren't helpful, they didn't even give good advice. They were literally like,"You're 18 now! Go to college! Get a job! Take the bus if you have to!" when I was trying to explain HOW I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS but no, they just don't understand! They were really awful "professionals" even the psychiatrist had a liking to my dad and she never let my mom speak, instead whenever my mom tried to talk to my psychiatrist about how abusive my dad has been to her, the psychiatrist would go,"Shhh let your husband talk" and she would let my dad talk for the entire hour, completely sympathizing with him (of course he acted all innocent and lied). They really didn't help, the therapist and psychologist would just nod and nod and nod when I was talking and they never really did or say ANYTHING to give me support or help, their type of advice was seriously like,"Have you tried having friends? Having friends might help".....arrrrgh that is common sense, that is not helpful of course having friends help, what I want is actual support, actual help but everything feels so hopeless.

It's morning here, the moment someone wakes up all the fighting will start again, as always. I've thought about walking out, having a walk to leave all the fighting but all the cars driving by and the openness makes me anxious....*siiiiigh*.

The thing I want the most is help myself right now, find support, find assistance, find something that can help me emotionally and mentally and help me find a job and help me come closer to moving out because every single day that I'm here, it's a struggle to keep my sanity. :/

Thank you everyone for listening to my problems and being understanding.

 

[BusynMember]

Call social services and ask where you can get assistance. It's a starting point, but you have to take it.

 

[Malika]

Lilacdust, your posts are very eloquent and descriptive. Have you ever thought (seriously) about writing about your dysfunctional family as a way of releasing some of the emotions involved?

 

[AnnieO]

Hi... I can feel the frustration and hopelessness coming through your posts... Let me point something out that took me a LONG time to figure out for myself.

If you believe you can't, you can't.

If you believe you can, you WILL find a way.

I'm not sure why the shelters would not help you, but if I might suggest, have your boyfriend help you find a domestic violence shelter. YOU will have to make the call or show up there, and they probably won't let him in - but they WILL help you.

 

[buddy]

Hello, please listen to your new friends here. Many of us have felt stuck and hopeless as you do. LOTS of us have pushed through debilitating anxiety.

some thoughts...and I may be older than you...but I have learned things, so please know things haven't changed in terms of relationships.

1. Your toughts affect your feelings. This is not psychobabble. If you tell yourself that you can't do something, you cant imagine it etc... you will not do it. You are over identifying with your mother, it seems. One thing is clear, and many of us have to remind each other about this...because we all do it:

You can only change YOURSELF. You are not your families therapist. The best way to help is to DEMONSTRATE how to move past a bad situation. Talk is cheap.
IT is time to set some boundaries and to show them.

2. even if you cant go to a shelter, you CAN use the services of a domestic violence center.

3. Social services, vocational rehabilitation services will help you if you have a diagnosis. It seems you do since you have seen all those professionals.

4. Do not put yourself in the situation of going between your family members. They do not look at you as you are trying to present to them. They will not listen to you because you are not the mom, you are the sister. You are the daughter. Don't need dad to call, I have a phone phobia too...guess what, you HAVE to do it.
And I am not being mean, I am really teling you from one who has heart palpitations etc. But the amazing thing is when you do it, it gives you a TON of energy and wanting to do a little tiny bit more.

5. so I tried to say to you, do ONE little thing. When I read your post, I got exhausted myself, LOL (please knwo I am not laughing at you... laugh with me, you read it and see what you think, smile!) YOu are an amazing person, as Malika said, you are articulate and talented, and clearly you have a good handle on human nature. You could start blogging..my cousin does that (she is at the random blogette for an example, she wants women to be proud of being moms and not to hate their bodies, so for her it came out of pain too). You could be anonymous or do it on your own time , etc.

6. I think you are a perfect candidate for JOB CORPS! Job Corps

You get free lodging and schooling or training. CALL these people! Please, the world needs a strong heart like yours out there. I think there is an amazing future for you. YOu just need to have your board aunties do what your mom and dad birds are not able to help you with... pushing you out of the nest a little bit.


Keep checking in.... you do not deserve this.

 

[Liahona]

You've been given great advice. Just sending hugs and support.