So, she's had some time to think

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by FluffyOne, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    This morning, I woke to a rambling text from Difficult Child daughter (sent at 1:19am). Again, I need to preface with some background info. She contacted our former pastor on facetime last Wednesday. She may have made it sound like we refuse all contact with her because he asked if we had heard from her and if there was anything we wanted to ask her. I told him that she had just called my husband on Monday. My husband said he learned that she got a replacement Job Corps card (where they deposit the approximately $22 she earns every 2 weeks). Also, she told my husband that she got someone to pay her phone bill for her (she called from her own phone). Debit card and driving permit still MIA and she still doesn't seem to care.

    She sent a muti-page apology. Sorry for disrespecting me, sorry for calling me names, thanking me for giving her and her siblings food and a place to live and more, she's sorry for being rude. Then talked about the self harm not being for attention, but because she needed help (we sent her to residential care and therapy - no change). Blamed it on her depression (which from what I can tell, the medications she's on aren't helping). Says it's hard not talking to me. Wants to talk to me in person and knows that I still love her. Said I became the mom that she never had and is so sorry for how she treated me in the past. She wants to work this out "in person".

    My gut reaction is that this is due to the uncertainty of the current state of affairs (COVID19 and that we wouldn't let her come to our house and would allow her to instead go to a homeless shelter). She is trying to pass some final test/tests for her CNA (don't know for certain how accurate this is because she has been telling us this since last September) to graduate from Job Corps. The reality of the fact that she doesn't have us as a back up may finally be sinking in. I feel this is text is a manipulation, because I've fallen for it before while she still lived with us. She cannot live with us, period. We will not be supporting her financially, period. We will not be putting her on our health insurance again, period (we have an HSA). Honestly, I don't want to see her again - ever. Does that make me as big a jerk as it makes me feel typing it just now? She shrieked the b-word at me for an entire weekend before, has physically attacked me, her sisters and her (then) 8 year old brother. I know she hasn't changed because Borderline (BPD) takes a lot of HARD personal work (with specially trained professionals) that she (I still don't believe) is willing to put in. Like I said, she has yet to really have consequences for her past actions. Us not letting her come here was probably the biggest one so far.
  2. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Fluffy, I am sorry you are being put through this. It is hard no matter what action you take, but the hardest is no action at all. I swear I don't understand what is happening in this world to so many people.
    I wish I hadn't let my son move back in when I thought he was better.Thought he would get on his feet and move out. Hasn't happened yet.
    I did the same thing with my daughter. She left after attacking me and I didn't hear or see for several years. Had no idea if her and my grandkids were OK or not.
    When she came back, I forgot how bad it had been and low and behold I find myself supporting her and my grandkids, again.
    Don't make my same mistake. As much as I missed them and as much as I loved seeing them again, it all ended the same way as before. Now I am starting down the same road all over.
    We don't have to take it!!! And we shouldn't!!!!
    Sounds like you already know all this. Feels good to get it all off your chest, doesn't it?
    You are not horrible or a jerk, you are fed up as well you should be.
    Relax and enjoy your evening. I will be thinking of you in my prayers.
    God Bless
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  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are being put through this. It sounds like your borders are up and solid. It sounds like another manipulation to me. The pastor is probably not aware of what you went through . My son had his first wife convinced we had done or hadn't done all sorts of things. Once she got to know us she knew better. Our kids are master manipulators. The borders we put in place are our defence against this manipulation. Ithink you should hold your ground .
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  4. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I haven't replied. Should I? I'm almost afraid of what I'd say to her. Probably better off not saying anything at all.
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    in my opinion don't reply! What would be the objective? Do you want to encourage her to bring her real motive forward, such as a place to live or money?

    My experience with this sort of drama is less is more. There is nothing TO say, is there?

    Praying you have the strength.
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  6. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I think you should listen to your "gut". It sounds like it is speaking loud and clear. I read something recently that said, "you don't have to do what you feel, do what you know."

    There's also another old saying..."a zebra never loses its stripes". I'm not saying that you should never give your daughter a chance to believe she's sincere and moving in the right direction but wait to see some sustained long-term proof that she has changed and then consider just carefully, opening up the door to speaking with her.
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  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Whatever the outcome, I hope she sticks with the CNA training. A Good CNA is a special worker. Some people in nursing homes have no family and need a good CNA. It can be a grueling job, but rewarding also.
  8. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I don't believe CNA is a good fit for her. She's functionally illiterate. She also tends to abuse those weaker than herself (me - 30 years her elder, her 2 younger sisters, her little brother, our dogs, etc.). I secretly hope she doesn't pass, for the sake of the elderly and/or sickly people she would likely be working with. She's also extremely lazy.

    She told my husband that after she passes her 'nursing program' that she is going to go to medical school to be a doctor :pouting2:. This is the kid that when doing homework, would ask for help, one of us would point to the paragraph with the answer and tell her the answer was in that paragraph, and she would launch into a rage because we wouldn't just give her the answer. She really doesn't need to be working with elderly, very young or frail people at all.
  9. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    She called me 3 times Saturday. I didn't answer so she called my husband and asked him why I don't answer. I'm sorry she's sad and afraid, but I just can't deal with her drama anymore. I know she hasn't really changed. I wonder if we'll ever have any form of relationship again, other than adversarial. I dread holidays and her birthday. We're actually considering going out of state for Christmas to avoid the awkwardness her presence creates.:rain-very:
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Holidays are often awkward with our kids. My two younger will not attend if they know their brother will be there. I too have considered cancelling the holiday. My son is also doing well right now but history has told me not to get too confident. I do pray he has started to change. You might try just texting or having your husband tell her to write an email to you so you have more control over where the conversation is going and cut it off if need be. I have done this in the past. I agree she should not be allowed to move in nor get money . ultimately it is a decision only you can make. If you decide you don't want to that is ok too. When she asks why i would say something to the effect of you do not feel that you are able to continue to deal with what she has put you through. I have flat out told my son i can not and will not go through what he put me through last year. Prayers
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  11. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I texted her. She tried to immediately call me, but I didn't pick up and texted her not to call. I'm not ready for that. We had a decent conversation via text. I told her if she wasn't respectful with her words, I'd block her. I also told her I wasn't ready to meet in person. I don't know when or if I will be in the not-too-distant future.