So this happened...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Mar 10, 2019.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son told me today he's probably going back to Chicago after he's discharged from the hospital. I'm sure his ex being here has something to do with that. It makes sense, sort of, on one level in that he has Illinois Medicaid and not eligible for Florida Medicaid so if he goes back he can get his tooth extracted and get into rehab. But for the most part I believe it's a disaster in the making. How can he possibly get clean, even with the best of intentions, if his partner continues to use heavily right under his nose? As well as his other friends and associates who use and can provide him with meth?

    Honestly, I've reached a point of apathy. I don't see anything getting better for him here due to lack of resources and lack of initiative, drive. and action on his part. And it would certainly be easier for my husband and me. At least he wouldn't be showing up at my home all the time under the influence, and if gets snotty, hateful, condescending, abusive, etc., over the phone I can simply end the call and not respond if he calls or texts back.

    All I know is I will not participate in any efforts to get him back to Chicago, and if he decides he made a mistake and wants to come back to Florida, I won't participate in that either. We didn't bring him down here to turn around and send him back. The "Help me move from A to B" ship sailed completely off the horizon months ago. And when he calls for the umpteenth time crying because Joe kicked him out in the middle of the night and he's sleeping on a park bench or Joe kicked him out of his truck in the middle of nowhere late at night, I simply will not listen to it any more. If that's the kind of life he wants, he's welcome to it and good luck. But no sympathy or help from me, period. If he makes that bed, he can lie in it or get out of himself.
     
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I don't blame you at all, Laura. If I had reimbursement for all the bus tickets my son has been given to his next "geographical cure..." Maybe it is the best thing for him. Either way I think you are right to expect him to live with his choice.
     
  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    It baffles me how they can blame geography for their choices and outcomes. "If I didn't live here I wouldn't be like this." "If I lived there I wouldn't be like this." Even after going through the same things over and over and over whether living here or living there, they still don't get it. Maybe they never will.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Laura,

    This was probably inevitable.

    You tried to help him, but he just isn’t ready.

    Let him deal with his drama on his own. You don’t need to participate, and you sure don’t need to finance it. He is a grown man who will never grow up as long as people allow him to live as if he were still a teen.

    Just an FYI for anyone of limited means who needs dental work but doesn’t qualify for state insurance—the state universities that have dental programs take patients on a sliding scale/no cost.
     
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My daughter always thought living somewhere far away was going to be her answer. I can remember when she was being very abusive then took off to a country far away, as far away from me as she could get and then calling me long distance everyday, sometimes twice a day.. I would ask her why she felt she had to call me everyday.. My daughter said she was going to stay in that country and I told her that was fine with me. She came back lived with me and made my life living hell. I told her she had to move out, the amount of energy she put into trying to ruin me was horrifying. Last year she asked if she could build a small cottage in my back yard and I told her NO. I made sure to let her know that I love her deeply, but not all the bad decisions and consequences that come with bad choices and bad living.
     
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  6. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Unfortunately we're at least 100 miles from the nearest university. We do have a community college which has a dental hygiene clinic in conjunction with their Dental Hygiene program but that's it, and all they do is cleanings basically, unfortunately. I'll see if he's interested in checking with The University of Florida, UCF, or FSU to see what's available, but he'll have to arrange transportation. We don't have a car and I'm tapped out financially at the moment.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    If I were you I'd be relieved.

    When we sent our son away years ago I found some happiness again and my husband and I regrouped as a married couple and focused on ourselves for a while.

    Meanwhile son was doing good, then not doing good, then doing good, then not doing good....to infinity.

    I liked that he was away from me. My nerves were shot and I finally accepted that I could change NOTHING.
     
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  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    The Serenity Prayer has been in my head for the past three days. The only thing I can change is me and my reactions but I cannot change one single thing about my son.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well I have the prayer on a pendent that I bought from Brighton! I LOVE IT.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I've heard this same kind of stuff from my son and yet every time he finds a "new" location, the result is always the same. Bottom line, until our adult children start to own their poor choices nothing will ever change for them. It's much easier for them to blame us the parents, the city or town they live in, or their significant other, etc.........., than it is to own their poor choices and behavior.
    I always found it interesting how my son has no issues with stealing from other people and yet when someone steals from him, well, lets just say he has some very colorful language to describe the person. When this has happened and he's shared it with me, I have called him out on it and reminded him that he too has stolen from others. The response, "Why do you always have to throw my past in my face, I'm not like that anymore" and yet, he's been arrested so many times for theft. Like I said, until they dig deep within themselves and really see their role in the choices they have made and how that and only that has affected the outcome of how their lives have turned out, nothing will change for them.
     
  11. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son always gets defensive when I call him on his hypocritical attitudes and behaviors, and he, like your son, gets defensive, accuses me of dredging up the past (something he loves to do when he's reminding me of the "horrible" childhood I put him through...he doesn't know the meaning of a horrible childhood, but try telling him that...or has an excuse or rationale for his behavior. When he stole money from us his rationale was that he wasn't in his right mind, it was the meth. Yeah, I buy that and I get that, but it still boils down to he can't stay in our home anymore. The meth may explain why he stole but it doesn't excuse it and it doesn't mean he gets off scott free with no consequences or accountability.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes HE decided to do the meth....so....