So tired of this life

[tryingtobestrong]

SO I posted my son relapsed after almost 90 days sober (almost 60 out of rehab)... Got angry at the girl he was seeing and chose to drink which turned on the "switch" again and he can't stop...
So during this binge he did some pretty bad things like pass out, broke his glasses, wired a large sum of money to who knows where and now says he will never see it...
So, now he has decided he wants to go back to the treatment center where he was for inpatient for a 10 days stay to get his head back on straight...
Well, that is fine but his rent is due on Friday and he doesn't have enough to cover it... Coincidentally , the last time he went to a rehab he blew a large sum of money and then we paid he his rent as since he committed to go for the 30 days. Now, here we are again. I told him he can use his savings to cover it and he refuses because then he won't have that but it is okay for me to put it on my credit card...
Of course he is intoxicated while talking to me.
He wants to go tomorrow and is filing FMLA again. Has to find a place to board his pet... I told him he can pay for that, wow... that went over big.
I was not nice. I told him why is this all on us again? He just doesn't care.
So, this will be his Christmas present.
He said he will NOT go to sober living after the 10 days... Again, I said this is all going to be how YOU want it and your way hasn't worked yet.
He is talking to a girl and she wants him to go to rehab... so if she doesn't talk to him after he gets out then what? RePEAT?

He says he hates his life well so do I.
I plan to write down all we have paid for and before he gets out I am telling him there will be no more. I don't even want to hear from him.

 

[Copabanana]

He said he will NOT go to sober living after the 10 days.

I support you and agree with how you are looking at all of this.

What's the point of going along with his program, one that has been proven to not work? Clearly detoxing from alcohol for him does nothing at all to address how he uses alcohol and the triggers for relapsing.

he can use his savings to cover it and he refuses

He is making a lot of rules here. This sounds imperious and arrogant. Of course I realize he is afraid and feels out of control. But still.

I understand your wanting to help him access treatment. However if he keeps doing it his way and not the way that works, what does this do for him or for you?

 

[Jenna0823]

SO I posted my son relapsed after almost 90 days sober (almost 60 out of rehab)... Got angry at the girl he was seeing and chose to drink which turned on the "switch" again and he can't stop...
So during this binge he did some pretty bad things like pass out, broke his glasses, wired a large sum of money to who knows where and now says he will never see it...
So, now he has decided he wants to go back to the treatment center where he was for inpatient for a 10 days stay to get his head back on straight...
Well, that is fine but his rent is due on Friday and he doesn't have enough to cover it... Coincidentally , the last time he went to a rehab he blew a large sum of money and then we paid he his rent as since he committed to go for the 30 days. Now, here we are again. I told him he can use his savings to cover it and he refuses because then he won't have that but it is okay for me to put it on my credit card...
Of course he is intoxicated while talking to me.
He wants to go tomorrow and is filing FMLA again. Has to find a place to board his pet... I told him he can pay for that, wow... that went over big.
I was not nice. I told him why is this all on us again? He just doesn't care.
So, this will be his Christmas present.
He said he will NOT go to sober living after the 10 days... Again, I said this is all going to be how YOU want it and your way hasn't worked yet.
He is talking to a girl and she wants him to go to rehab... so if she doesn't talk to him after he gets out then what? RePEAT?

He says he hates his life well so do I.
I plan to write down all we have paid for and before he gets out I am telling him there will be no more. I don't even want to hear from him.

Wash, rinse and repeat. It really does get exhausting and infuriating. I don’t blame you for the way you feel. Been there myself

 

[Smithmom]

Yes, define it as his gift and then close the acct. His relapse has to have a cost to him, not you.

 

[BusynMember]

Thats an expensive Christmas gift which his pattern has been to ruin.

Sometimes I think even if they want rehab we need to count our own pennies and their actual motivation for wanting to go and it is okay to turn them down. If your son was in rehab just now but chose to drink because he was upset over a girl, he isnt ready to do the work it takes to be sober.

If it were me, I would not respond with money to an intoxicated phone call. He would need to rinse/repeat while sober. And money doesnt just get sent away. He knows what he spent it on....booze or drugs or both. I would pin him down on.that. its a lie. He didnt just throw it in the wind. He gave it to somebody. For something.

If you know what you are paying for and still wamt to pay for him then nobody here will tell you not to. Its something we sometimes do for us. Dont kid yourself though that it is for him. It wont help him. It helps us and thats ok if we can afford it.

For your own Christmas present why not focus on yourself and start to take care of YOU first?

Love and light!

 

[elizabrary]

I wouldn't have provided the money. His consequences are to lose his place if he can't afford the rent. The more we cushion the fall the longer it takes them to suffer the consequences and have a reason to get sober. My daughter is a total idiot with her money when she's drinking. I give her money for nothing. If I want my granddaughter to have something I buy it myself and give it to my granddaughter. It's an endless cycle.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how frustrating and angry you feel as my daughter was sober for 18 months, then relapsed 6 months ago and has continued on with one giant party ever since. It's exhausting and horrifying to watch them self destruct. Be kind to yourself and put the focus on you. Sending positive energy your way.

 

[Triedntrue]

I feel the same right now you can read why where i just posted poor poor me.

 

[RN0441]

Sorry that you are dealing with this grown man child!

Agree. Please stop rescuing your son. It's an illness yes but it's out of your hands.

Even at bible study last night they talked about consequences of sin. We have to suffer consequences or we do not learn. And that statement has nothing to do with drugs or drinking but in your son's case it does.

He needs to learn how to deal with rejection, which is part of life, that does not include drinking like a fish. Some people cannot drink in moderation. Period. Then they can't drink at all.

He is on the fence. He wants a normal life (apartment, pet, etc.) but doesn't want to change. It's like they KNOW we are there when they are ready and we'll jump in "all hands on deck" so why rush? He has to do the work.

We have done so much for our son and at times I wonder if he even appreciates it or realizes it. I'm talking to myself here too and in no way judging you but I now how bad it SUCKS!

 

[tryingtobestrong]

UPDATE:
So, he is at the treatment center... however, now the insurance is stating they will not approve the residential stay. Say all he needs is IOP.... I may have to self pay now for the last how many days unless the doctors can get it approved.
He is still refusing to do anything like sober living or IOP. Tells me that he will go to more meetings, find a home group, etc. I reminded him that he said the same things a few weeks ago when he quit IOP ... he got silent.
Is getting the vivitrol shot before he is discharged which will last right up to about 2 days before NY eve before it starts wearing off....

His counselor, recovery coach and a friend all told him that going back to his apartment alone is a "death sentence" but still he is going back. One would think that would get his attention.

His counselor recommended a life coach which costs $100 per hour and a therapist at $175 an hour. I was told he should pay for this... He doesn't have the money when his rent is more than double my mortgage.

I just don't understand him. He says he hates that life of alcohol. Doesn't want to lose his job.. but yet will not follow what they recommend.

It is so hard to let go and let God but that is all I can do now. I was asked if I have anything to hold over him to make him go.. not really.. up until this past week he paid his rent on his own. He pays all of his other bills as well.

 

[Copabanana]

Say all he needs is IOP.... I may have to self pay now for the last how many days unless the doctors can get it approved.

Why would you do this if he is not demonstrating willingness to program in the way that the treatment staff believe is best for his welfare? Maybe I misunderstand but I see him dictating what he will or will not do. In my experience the experts typically understand what is required, rather than the addict, who is driven by the substance.

He is still refusing to do anything like sober living or IOP. Tells me that he will go to more meetings, find a home group, etc.

What does this tell you?

His counselor, recovery coach and a friend all told him that going back to his apartment alone is a "death sentence" but still he is going back. One would think that would get his attention.

Why would it get his attention, if he does not choose to quit?

This is what I mean. He may want to continue drinking. If he does, he will drink, regardless of what you do or do not do, regardless what you want or do not want.

His counselor recommended a life coach which costs $100 per hour and a therapist at $175 an hour. I was told he should pay for this... He doesn't have the money when his rent is more than double my mortgage.

Who got him in this situation? He has told you over and over again that he is not committed to making choices commensurate with sustaining recovery. Many, many people, maybe the majority, quit alcohol without expensive life coaches, therapists, or even programs. They do so with AA. He could also be supervised by an MD. These methods may not be optimal, but then, most people have to make do with less than optimal, and they make it work because they desire to quit. Your son seems to be balking at actions that would make the investment in expensive therapists and life coaches, to be good money spent.

There is an elephant in the living room: Your son has to want to stop drinking and to do whatever it takes to recover. Or not.

You continue to believe, it seems, that there is a way that your wanting and your fear, have a place in this process and that he should listen to you. How well has that worked so far?

This is a man who has a job, is paying his bills, and he is supporting himself. He insists upon making decisions over his own treatment, and to believe that he has the right to do so. He seems to disagree with you about the terms of his treatment. It appears that you do not accept either his right to make decisions about his life. You seem to believe that if you keep impressing upon him your own ideas, he will change his mind.

What about your own health? You are miserable. How much longer will you keep this up?

The only recovery you have control over is your own. I wish it was different. It is not.

 

[Crayola13]

I'm thankful he got back into rehab, but at the same time, I think twelve step pricrams have a high failure rate. Life coaches are great if the person is willing to set goals and follow their advise, but $100 an hour seems high. I've known people who charge half. I don't know what part of the country he lives, so I guess the fees are different in other states.

It's troubling that his rent is more than your mortgage. You mentioned in previous posts that he really likes his job, which is great. I think I recall you saying he didn't want to move because his apartment was close to his job. I definitely think he needs to move, but now isn't the time to change jobs because he might hate the new job and spiral down even further. If he's going to be alone in his apartment after work, it will be more tempting to drink. He needs to find something to do after work and not be alone or near alcohol. You can easily get trapped in your head when you're alone and have nothing to do. The rehab probably already told him that volunteer work helps take your mind off some of your problems. With winter coming, the homeless shelter will be needing extra volunteers. It might scare him enough when he sees how addiction can cause homelessness and chronic disease.

As you know, my adopted son was born addicted to cocaine, which means he has a genetic predisposition to addiction. I wanted him to volunteer at the homeless shelter for sevrrse reasons. One of those reasons was so he could see the risk in using drugs or drinking. He will never be able to drink, not even an occasional beer. I also wanted him to see that all people are to be treated with dignity and compassion. The third reason was because being busy takes his mind off of his severe anxiety disorder. He learned a lot by volunteering at the shelter, but because of his age, they said he couldn't come back. So, now he volunteers at the animal shelter, which, of course, has made our house turn into a zoo! It's good to have empathy for all living creatures.

 

[Smithmom]

I feel like I'm stating the obvious here but what he does is his choice not yours. If he goes back to the apt or not is not your choice. If he gets a life coach, therapist, etc his choice not yours. I will repeat what I said before. Close your wallet. His choice, his cost. Insurance won't pay? ... he can argue with them, not your problem.

Your only option is open your wallet or not. Where did opening get you before? Did it solve his problems? Did it solve yours?

Why did you even take this call? They've told you not to pay. They've told him not to go home. They've told you there is nothing you can do. They've given him every number he needs to call and address of every place he needs to go. This call was just to torture you?

Close the wallet. Don't take the call. He will do whatever he is going to do. You have no control.

God grant you the serenity to accept things you cannot change. And wisdom to take care of yourself.

 

[Triedntrue]

When i read your posts i see myself in so many ways. Its always as my husband says ,going to be just one more thing or this is the last time or this is just a small thing. I know he is right as i know the people on here are right and i take that advice to heart. My heart breaks when he tells me he is in need. However i am learning more and more that he will find a way and i sense pride in himself when he does. Reciprically i am proud of myself when i don't give in and he figures it out. It is a process we have to go through and they have to go through but we have to let them. I am still working on it and i belive so is he but he has a long way to go and i need to step out and so do you. My parents had a friend who let their alchoholic son move back in so they could help him. He did nothing to help himself because he didn't have to. He was depressed had no selfesteem he died at 40 in there home. Very sad. A sense of accomplishment goes a long way to recovery.

 

[Smithmom]

You've said that your son makes enough to pay rent of double your mortgage, pay for his habits, his girlfriend / entertainment and presumably car, taxes, etc. Does he need you to help him earn this money? Does his boss call you to talk about his job performance? You haven't said anythIng about helping him with his job. Does he make sound, rational decisions at work? Is he a competent, intelligent adult at work?

If so, why do you treat him differently in his personal life? Ok, he makes some lousy decisions in his personal life. If he did that at work would you ride in to the rescue? Would you pay his boss to keep him?

You can't keep treating him like a child. If he messes up he has to fix it. He's not disabled or otherwise incapable of fixing it.