Some days I just want to slap the teeth right out of his head

[mstang67chic]

Things lately with difficult child haven't been....bad. Haven't been great but not bad. It doesn't happen as much lately but every now and then he gets in these moods like it's it big goal of the day to see how much he can offend me or push my buttons.

Earlier he was watching one of those police shows on tv where they re-enact different situations. Hostages, bank robbery...stuff like that. I wasn't paying much attention but the case featured looked to be some type of hostage situation with the "bad guy" being very mentally unstable. When things were described about what the guy did to some of his hostages, difficult child got disgusted, turned it off and then used his phrase of the month. He said that the guy was wrong and "needed to be put to sleep". difficult child gets phrases from who knows where and then uses them constantly till he finds a new one. For some reason, this one is just rubbing me completely wrong. When I commented on how this guy sounded unstable and could just need medications he said it again. Sometimes if I explain something to him, he'll get it. Other times, I'll see this sick, satisfied smile on his face (he's not quick enough to hide it) and know it's one of "those" times when he gets a true kick out of offending me. Today was one of those times. I just told him I didn't like or appreciate the comment and he needed to keep it to himself.

But....

Sometimes I really wonder about him. As long as he's been with us, I've seen this smile and I hate it. Honestly, I think he's got a "path" streak in him (socio, psycho.....one of them) and no amount of medications will help. I brought it up once to a therapist who said it was possible there were tendencies but not enough to really address specifically. He did say that he thought difficult child lacked true empathy (which I do somewhat agree with) but from what he saw there wasn't really much to be done. Don't get me wrong, difficult child doesn't harm people/animals, doesn't set fires....none of the red flag behaviors. But there IS this streak in him that, when it pops up, I just want to slap into next week. Somewhere inside there is a piece of him that enjoys seeing people .....not hurt but....I don't know how to word it....offended/worked up....something along that line. I don't think he would ever get violent (at least not when he's on his medications and stable) but in a lot of ways, I truly don't trust him. I wouldn't put it past him to do stupid but twisted things like dipping my (or husband's)toothbrush in the toilet, wiping body fluids on things around the house....sneaky things like that. I have no reason to think these things about him but it's just a feeling I get sometimes. Weird, I know, but it's there all the same.

I don't think husband sees it and didn't really get it when I tried to explain it to him. Personally, I'll be glad when difficult child is out of the house. He's got one more semester of high school (his THIRD attempt at graduating) and once that's done, I will be looking into any available group home or assisted living situation I can find for him.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, if he's already 19 and not a full blown psychopath, in spite of his background, he probably won't be. It's very possible that he has some traits. I notice he was adopted out of foster care. I think there are very few kids who have been in foster care who can come out of it without certain detachment issues toward others. After all, they had to take care of themselves for so long, at least emotionally, and most were severely abused. Just keep hoping that he continues to work on his issues and keeps evolving. It could very well be that he lacks some empathy, but that alone doesn't make anyone a psychopath.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry he gets his kicks out of upsetting you and causing conflama. I don't know what it was caused by. It is doubtful that anyone does. It sure isn't fun to live with.

Trust your instincts!!! Gfgbro's ex-stepsons were talking one day as we watched a show. They thought it was the greatest thing, for revenge or just for fun or to stir up trouble, to spread bodily fluids around, to have sex in their mom's bed, or their dad's bed if they were with him. One of their friends had a mom who started living with another woman. The friend was angry about this same-sex relationship so he took enormous pride in smearing "man juice" (his word) on places tehy would touch, even on cooking utensils! He even got caught videotaping sex in his mom's bed!

I am sorry you have to do this. I bet a nannycam would pick up a lot. If he doesn't make it to graduation this time will you still go ahead and move him out? Seems like he might figure if he never graduates you will never kick him out?? Just a thought.

 

[mstang67chic]

I don't actually KNOW that he would do sneaky things like that....it's just a feeling I have that he would and I wouldn't put it past him.

And yeah....if he doesn't graduate this time...OUT. THE. DOOR. no matter WHAT husband says. I'm still working on difficult child about moving into a group home at least for a while. I think he could live on his own AFTER he got some training on those more complicated things like budgeting, paying bills.....learning how to get an apartment, have utilities turned on...where to get furniture, why you WASH things and not just throw them away because you don't feel like washing them. Things like that.

Also, MWM....I don't suspect the "path" streak because of the lack of empathy....it's because of other things I've seen or suspected.

 

[DammitJanet]

All I can say is never let him watch the movie Catch me if you can. I think that movie should be outlawed. It started Cory's downward spiral with check fraud.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Mstang,

I feel the same way about difficult child 1. difficult child 1 honestly enjoys creating chaos and offending others. His psychiatrist has said numerous times that he doesn't have empathy for others. If not medicated, he can become violent. However, properly medicated, I don't believe he would physically hurt anyone.

I've NEVER trusted difficult child 1. He started stealing from me at a young age. I've always kept my purse, valuables hidden from him. While he can be "charming" when he wants something, he is only being this way in order to get what he wants. Sometimes he'll actually do something kind. However, later on, we've found out it's because he wants something in exchange for his kindness. With difficult child 1, there are always strings attached to his "good deeds."

difficult child 2 has absolutely no problem doing "twisted" things to others. When he gets angry, he'll smear the contents of his nose all over other peoples' belongings, door knobs, walls, etc. For example, if he thinks you're not looking, he'll sneeze directly on your food instead of turning away, and if caught, say it was an "accident." difficult child 2 has zillions of "accidents." difficult child 2 is the most passive/aggressive person I know.

The difference between difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 is that while I've been fearful of difficult child 1 in the past, I've never really been fearful of difficult child 2. Both difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 lack empathy. However, when angry, difficult child 2 will lash out without thinking and will physically harm you if given the opportunity. difficult child 1 will plan things - difficult child 2 is just a spur of the moment type of person.

I hope your difficult child graduates and you find him another place to live. Having difficult child 1 move out of our house has greatly reduced the amount of tension and chaos.

Sending lots of hugs... SFR

P.S. It's never too early to research living arrangements. Around here, there are waiting lists miles long for group homes, etc... As soon as our hearing is over, I'm going full steam ahead on trying to find living arrangements for difficult child 2 - He has two years before graduating high school.

 

[TerryJ2]

mstng, I have a nephew who does that. The smile and everything. But he's "just a boy," as my sister says. BRAT. So, I would say that your difficult child isn't "really" 19. More like 12, ya know? Maybe by the time he's 40, he'll get it.
You have worked very hard on him and you have done a great job, especially considering how old he was when you got him from foster care.

Right now, the only thing he "gets" is under your skin. His fave game, for sure.
I understand why you want him out of the house. In the meantime, I would try to remove the reward he gets for offending you. Clearly, you are responding to his behavior in a way that he finds validating and entertaining.

I love your expression, "I just want to slap [him] into next week." I may have to borrow it.