Son arrested

Helpless29

Active Member
My last post was about my son relapsing & how he was able to get a 24k loan . He went out and bought a car off the street & 20 mins later got pulled over , fleeing from sirens, no license, car not registered. He had all his stuff in hotel & since he is in jail and has no one to get his belongings out, the hotel threw it away. I did try pleading with the hotel but they said they needed someone to come get it or someone with a ID come pay for him to keep the room. Not much I could do because he’s in another state. He has tried calling me numerous times but I started a new job working a summer program with kids & can’t be on phone . I’m sure he’s thinking I don’t care .
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi there. It isn't all bad that he is in jail. Just my humble opinion. He can't use drugs there....at least not openly. Also, he knows you care. That is why he reaches out to you...he knows you want to fix his problems. in my opinion maybe it's time yo not do that...to step back.

There is no reason for you to feel badly about his situation. He created it and in my opinion consequences are the only possible way for our kids to maybe learn not to do negative things. Or not. It is up to them...we have no control over what they do and can not save them from their messes. I know it's hard...but we don't control anyone but ourselves. Even our children are not within our control.

I send prayers and hope you can find peace in this tough situation. Be sure to focus on your own well being. Hugs.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I’m so sorry. It must be difficult trying to focus on a new job with all this going on. Please take care of yourself.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I had no idea he was able to get a $24k loan. Did he falsify documents to do this? I agree he is in the best place he can be even though it may not seem that way.

Prayers for you and your son.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I’m sure he’s thinking I don’t care .
Gosh Helpless, this is the least of his worries. He would be better off, in my opinion, going it on his own, with the hope that he can one day make better decisions. What do people have to do to show him that they care? Clean up all of his messes? Handle all of the consequences of his ridiculous and destructive choices?

He relapsed. He took out a ridiculous 24k loan. He used part of it to buy a car, knowing full well he was unlicensed, the car was unregistered, and he had no insurance. He couldn't give a :censored2:. These things are all of them on him.

And then you go rebuke yourself, worrying he might think you don't care? This is not about you caring. This is about his caring about whether he is a decent human being, whether he has a decent life, is good to himself and to his family and to society in general. So far he could care less.

Honestly, helpless, I wish you could connect to your anger. This child of yours has violated basic decency, self-respect, respect for his mother, basic trust, and basic responsibility. I wish this would sink in. I think you feel guilty from years past, and you won't let yourself off the hook.

Until you can make peace with that I believe you will not be able to do the right thing for him now. And the right thing for him now is to see he is acting like a little drug-addicted thug. (I am so mad at him for sending you those pictures over and over again. And I am frustrated that you didn't call him on it. You don't deserve that degradation. I am just fuming here.) He is a man who is acting badly and making terrible choices. Over.and.over again. I am sorry helpless. If you don't want me to respond anymore to your posts, I won't. I like your boy a lot and I like you a lot, but I don't like what he is doing with all of his promise, capacity, and strength. So many of the kids here don't have 1/20th of the promise that he has. It is just such a shame.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Gosh Helpless, this is the least of his worries. He would be better off, in my opinion, going it on his own, with the hope that he can one day make better decisions. What do people have to do to show him that they care? Clean up all of his messes? Handle all of the consequences of his ridiculous and destructive choices?

He relapsed. He took out a ridiculous 24k loan. He used part of it to buy a car, knowing full well he was unlicensed, the car was unregistered, and he had no insurance. He couldn't give a :censored2:. These things are all of them on him.

And then you go rebuke yourself, worrying he might think you don't care? This is not about you caring. This is about his caring about whether he is a decent human being, whether he has a decent life, is good to himself and to his family and to society in general. So far he could care less.

Honestly, helpless, I wish you could connect to your anger. This child of yours has violated basic decency, self-respect, respect for his mother, basic trust, and basic responsibility. I wish this would sink in. I think you feel guilty from years past, and you won't let yourself off the hook.

Until you can make peace with that I believe you will not be able to do the right thing for him now. And the right thing for him now is to see he is acting like a little drug-addicted thug. (I am so mad at him for sending you those pictures over and over again. And I am frustrated that you didn't call him on it. You don't deserve that degradation. I am just fuming here.) He is a man who is acting badly and making terrible choices. Over.and.over again. I am sorry helpless. If you don't want me to respond anymore to your posts, I won't. I like your boy a lot and I like you a lot, but I don't like what he is doing with all of his promise, capacity, and strength. So many of the kids here don't have 1/20th of the promise that he has. It is just such a shame.
Copa I look forward to your responses it makes me think rationally . Your right I need to love him from afar , I need to disconnect myself from him & stop going through his emails , social media etc cuz it consumes my time & happiness away from my family . Your right there’s lots I hold from my past , I wasn’t a horrible mom but I didn’t understand why he acted out so much at such a young age of 8 and even back then he made life difficult and I responded very badly to his behavior. I need to let go of that & find peace & forgiveness to myself. I was a lot younger & didn’t know half the stuff I know now. I’m 44 now and I’m still learning .
Thank you Copa, you been here for me over the years .I came on here when he was 15 teen he is now 19 teen years old . I needed your advice to think clearly.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I wasn’t a horrible mom but I didn’t understand why he acted out so much at such a young age of 8 and even back then he made life difficult and I responded very badly
None of us was a perfect parent. I whack myself over the head too. I adopted a very vulnerable baby, as a single Mom. I did not anticipate how it would feel to be isolated and alone with him and I fault myself for taking him too early to nursery school.

Oh. There were practical reasons I had to do it, but if I had only thought of him, I would have stayed with him full-time. This is painful. But I cannot change the past. Just accept it.

The hardest but the best thing I ever did as a parent was to finally detach. It took me years and years. We can't go back helpless, but we can go forward responsibly and give them what they need as adults. And what they need is the full impact of the consequences of their life choices.

I miss my son terribly, but I am responsible to deal with my own pain, loneliness, regret, and sadness. And I have the hope that in the future he will choose to live differently. But meanwhile, I am able to live better, free of the chaos that came from hanging on to the illusion that his choices were somehow mine to make, and that I could change them. I can't. You can't either.
 
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