Son back in custody

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Those who followed my post , know my 16 year old son was locked up in juvenile detention for 4 months, he came out & lived with his grandparents while him& dad attended counseling to work on there relationship. Less then 2 weeks when he got out , he was back to his old ways, smoking weed, we assume pills to because his behavior changed. Stole money from his grandparents, took off everyday while on house arrest. Fast forward to today he had 3 separate court dates, was removed from grandparents home for there safety, went to live with his dad , starting doing the same thing, after many calls to probation officer, and juvenile system, he is back in custody & acourse blames everyone. I told him over the phone how I felt about his behavior & how he treated his grandparents & he hung up on me . He hung up on his to dad to after he was screaming orders to dad about what he needs to do to get him out. Right now I know juvenile detention is the safest place for him , he shows no signs of wanting to change .
     
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  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    He is unfortunately in the best possible place. If he will not choose to live a lawful life, he must be contained and prevented from harming others or himself.

    I hope that he will eventually learn his lesson and stop behaving like a criminal.

    I don't mean this disrespectfully. My DS is facing possible incarceration as an adult, and is now living in a halfway house, and isn't willing to take responsibility either. He's being forced to do so and our hope is that he grows from it. But time will tell.
     
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    It puzzles me how our kids are given chance after chance and are never grateful and often dont change. I am sorry. Best to do what so many say here and to focus off of him and onto yourself. I know it is hard. God bless.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Helpless

    First of all, I am sorry. I am sorry for your pain. Was not the writing on the wall?

    Your son did well while he was contained. Which is a very good thing. He is very young. He seems to need structure and very strong boundaries, in order to be able to control himself. That he responded to this while incarcerated is a good thing.

    From what you have written in the homes that both his grandparents and his father provide there have been problems. His grandparents have seemed indulgent. There he acts entitled. His father seems to trigger him, and they have conflict. Is it any surprise that the result is this? He alone is not responsible for the result. These are family systems of which he is only one part.

    I would try very hard to not react by thinking that he is a bad kid who has failed again. To me the result was predictable. Personally, I would be grateful that this has happened. He is back where he is safe and has the opportunity to mature. Something very bad could have happened. It did not. That is a good thing.

    You, like I am, are very identified with your child. What I mean by that is that you respond in a visceral and immediate way to his distress or happiness, or how you interpret his behavior.

    Your task as I see it now is to try to live from your thinking brain (versus feeling brain) to rise above your reactions based upon his words, his feelings and his perceived needs. After all, he is a child. And like all of us, he cannot really know the meaning of each experience, in the here and now. We do ourselves no favors when we react to what they say or feel.

    You can work with yourself to encourage gratitude and perspective. He is a child. There is great hope. He is safe. That he would mature. It is more a prayer I guess.

    Sometimes prayers are the most powerful thing we have.
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm so sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted. But there are still four things to be thankful for:

    1. Juvenile hall is probably the only way your son will get his high school diploma. The chances of him getting it otherwise are low.
    2. He hasn't ruined his life yet and still has time to turn things around. A lot can happen in two years.
    3. Being in juvenile detention will prevent him from getting his girlfriend knocked up.
    4. He's going to get counseling and therapy, maybe medications

    He did well in that environment before. Even his grades went up.

    I don't know how dangerous the center is, but reading some of your old posts worry me about what could happen if he continues life as a street urchin. Things will go better for both you and your son if the two of you busy yourselves as much as possible.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think that it is very important at his age that he learns that there are consequences for his actions.

    I know that my son started bad behaviors at age 15 and he kept getting in trouble time and time again. We tried to help offset things at first, thinking it was just this one thing but then quickly learned that he was on a path of not doing anything we wanted him to do and us helping him was making things worse in many ways. He was a very very good child and is very smart so this was not normal for him and very shocking for us. We had no clue of what we were dealing with or how to handle him or what to do. It was such a helpless feeling.

    If I had to do it over I would have sent him to a military school. We have spent so so much money on rehabs, therapists, counselors, etc. etc. and attorney fees that I don't even want to think about it. Thousands upon thousands of dollars. If we could have seen the future that is what we would have done. In fact, a coworker sent her son to a military school when he started getting off track due to what had happened to us. Her son is only 14 but he was adopted and had a lot of issues when he got into his teen years. At least our suffering helped someone else! I'm not sure if this is even an option but I'm just relaying how tough we should have made things for him.

    It may take a long time for your son to turn his behavior and life around. It sounds like he is hell bent on not following the rules. He is very young and could end up leading a productive life but unfortunately this behavior could go on for many years.

    You are a very loving mother and so am I.