Son homeless again

Helpless29

Active Member
Got a call from my son yesterday & he is now homeless again . I guess he over welcomed his stay . He has nothing , didn’t save a penny. I texted his friend and he said nothing happened between them, that they still are friends but his parents won’t allow my son to stay there anymore.it was only suppose to be for a month but my son was there a few months & saved no money . He did say my son has been drinking a lot lately to. When my son called , there I go again trying to jump in & save the day , I’m not in the city anymore but my friend was willing to pick him up & take him to a hotel & buy him a meal . I cried so much yesterday & this morning. I texted my son today , no response from him . I was so mad / hurt , I jump and try to help & he couldn’t even answer my messages this morning. He did respond to my friends messages. My husband was furious with me for not discussing with him paying for the hotel . He said my son just uses me . He mentioned how I been calling & texting my son for the last 2 months & he never called me back but now he needs something & I jump. Well I found out while I’m here crying about where my son is going to live , he’s downtown with his girlfriend just carefree , not even thinking about where he will sleep tonight . My husband is also very mad that I’m getting other people involved with helping my son.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am sorry. It is hard to say no. Sometimes we do what we do, not for the child, but for us. It is just too painful for us...so we relieve our pain by trying to save them.

Try reading this article on detachment...every day,


Ksm
 

stillhopeful

New Member
Hi Helpless:

I am sorry for your hurting heart as I know how difficult it is when they call begging for a room or food. Your last sentence sums it up though "he is downtown with his girlfriend carefree." Yep. And he no doubt will find a place to sleep and food to eat. These homeless people have a way to find what they need in the short term and that is all they really think about. He is not alone, apparently he is not afraid and tomorrow the sun will rise and he will be fine to start another day. Please turn your phone on silent and rest knowing that there is not one thing you can do to change this. He obviously has a phone and if an emergency comes up he can call 911 and get help. Try to find some peace in the chaos he is causing in your life. He knows you love him. Get some rest.

Still Hopeful
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
From someone who almost did it, you have other kids too. Please don't put this child in front of your marriage.....husband will be there for the long term and has a clear head. We don't. Your other kids need you....get therapy so you can be there for them.

Hugs
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Get yourself into therapy.

Quit trying to save your son. YOU CANNOT.

He has to do it and he will but it won't be on your timetable.

Give him to God. He's his son too.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
My heart goes out to you. We've all been there and in a lot of ways, I'm still there. The things that I try to keep working on amongst a lot of other things are:
1. Your son and you are not the same person. Put a period after yourself. Know he is separate from you. He has his own lungs, heart beat, will and mind.
2. Don't let the guilt you have from things you may have done wrong while bringing him up and/or other "injustices" he endured throughout his life ,make you feel like you have to make up to them for it. You did the best you did at the time with the knowledge you had.
3. It's not our responsibility to feel their pain or take it away as it isn't theirs to take ours away.
4. I love both my sons dearly, but most often the angst I feel is my own discomfort over their situations. I agree with others, try to get into therapy and also get to an Al anon meeting where you'll learn to focus on yourself, little by little, and change the things about you that are "sick" from dealing with an addict your whole life.
5. Pray, pray and pray some more for your son and YOU. I always forgot to pray for myself and still have to be reminded to do so. You are just as important as your son is. Treat yourself with the same compassion as you give your son.

Remember, you are not your son's savior. He has one just like you do.

I write these things not just as a reminder for you, but just as much for myself. It's a slippery slope and you have to feed yourself inwardly with the things that will make you strong. Just like putting the right foods into our bodies make us stronger, so doesn't putting the right thoughts into our minds make us well. If we can make ourselves sick but the thoughts we think, we can also make ourselves well, by them too.

Sending hugs.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My heart goes out to you. We've all been there and in a lot of ways, I'm still there. The things that I try to keep working on amongst a lot of other things are:
1. Your son and you are not the same person. Put a period after yourself. Know he is separate from you. He has his own lungs, heart beat, will and mind.
2. Don't let the guilt you have from things you may have done wrong while bringing him up and/or other "injustices" he endured throughout his life ,make you feel like you have to make up to them for it. You did the best you did at the time with the knowledge you had.
3. It's not our responsibility to feel their pain or take it away as it isn't theirs to take ours away.
4. I love both my sons dearly, but most often the angst I feel is my own discomfort over their situations. I agree with others, try to get into therapy and also get to an Al anon meeting where you'll learn to focus on yourself, little by little, and change the things about you that are "sick" from dealing with an addict your whole life.
5. Pray, pray and pray some more for your son and YOU. I always forgot to pray for myself and still have to be reminded to do so. You are just as important as your son is. Treat yourself with the same compassion as you give your son.

Remember, you are not your son's savior. He has one just like you do.

I write these things not just as a reminder for you, but just as much for myself. It's a slippery slope and you have to feed yourself inwardly with the things that will make you strong. Just like putting the right foods into our bodies make us stronger, so doesn't putting the right thoughts into our minds make us well. If we can make ourselves sick but the thoughts we think, we can also make ourselves well, by them too.

Sending hugs.
How are things with your sons now JayPee?
 

Helpless29

Active Member
My heart goes out to you. We've all been there and in a lot of ways, I'm still there. The things that I try to keep working on amongst a lot of other things are:
1. Your son and you are not the same person. Put a period after yourself. Know he is separate from you. He has his own lungs, heart beat, will and mind.
2. Don't let the guilt you have from things you may have done wrong while bringing him up and/or other "injustices" he endured throughout his life ,make you feel like you have to make up to them for it. You did the best you did at the time with the knowledge you had.
3. It's not our responsibility to feel their pain or take it away as it isn't theirs to take ours away.
4. I love both my sons dearly, but most often the angst I feel is my own discomfort over their situations. I agree with others, try to get into therapy and also get to an Al anon meeting where you'll learn to focus on yourself, little by little, and change the things about you that are "sick" from dealing with an addict your whole life.
5. Pray, pray and pray some more for your son and YOU. I always forgot to pray for myself and still have to be reminded to do so. You are just as important as your son is. Treat yourself with the same compassion as you give your son.

Remember, you are not your son's savior. He has one just like you do.

I write these things not just as a reminder for you, but just as much for myself. It's a slippery slope and you have to feed yourself inwardly with the things that will make you strong. Just like putting the right foods into our bodies make us stronger, so doesn't putting the right thoughts into our minds make us well. If we can make ourselves sick but the thoughts we think, we can also make ourselves well, by them too.

Sending hugs.
Thank you for this, I feel like this site is all I have from people who truly understand. When I try to talk to only a few people about my son , I know there is a lot of judgment
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He said my son just uses me
I am sorry you're suffering. For most of us, this is the case, that our children contact us when they need our help. At almost 33, my son is the same.

Like you, I struggle with "reacting." This is what they count on, our sons, that we will jump to their call. Needless to say, this isn't good for us, nor for them.

The hope is that someday they jump to solve their own needs, in positive ways.
 
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JayPee

Sending good vibes...
How are things with your sons now JayPee?
RN
My oldest son has been working steadily but doesn’t put precedence on getting a place to live. He’s been in his car for 4 months but he does take care of himself and treats me with such respect now. He has had a conversion and that has changed the way he sees things now. He’s far from perfect but moving in the right direction.

Younger son (28). Not so good. He can’t seem to hold down a job. Can’t get up on time, doesn’t like authority etc. I think he’s drinking too much and is very depressed. His lease with roommates is up at end of the month. He’ll be back to living in his car.

I’ll keep turning them both over to God and try not to cripple them with my rescuing.
Thank you for asking❤️
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Thank you for this, I feel like this site is all I have from people who truly understand. When I try to talk to only a few people about my son , I know there is a lot of judgment
You are not alone. Hang in there. We understand like no one else can and there is no judgment to feel the way you do and handle things the way you do. We only try to share our wisdom courage and strength so that maybe the road to your recovery won’t be as long as it’s taken some of us.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Ahh, so you panicked and jumped in to try to rescue him, something we know as mothers is a natural response. I think a lot of us here would be in the running for a gold medal on that jumping. I get how your husband was angry about it but just as you jumped so did he. I think therapy would be good for both of you. I know how dealing with a brick wall of anger from an adult man can make things even harder for you to deal with, to step back and let your adult child be as they are. So maybe your husband will be willing to also talk with someone but if not as others have suggested it really would be a good idea for you regardless. Your son is young, he has much more energy for chaos than you do, it could go on for a long while.

Over the years my son has done the same to me and then gone silent only for me to find out he found another soft place to land, many times. As time goes on though those soft places become harder for them to find. That's when you need some real strength to hold on so they can become accountable for themselves, at least to the degree they can. I know you can stand to initially give him an address to a homeless shelter or a mental health organization instead of putting him up in a hotel but the nasty guilting responses from him, you have that come your way, is another story. That's the stuff most people couldn't even imagine, let alone how to deal with it or how it takes us apart. Bottom line though, he needs more help and guidance than you can provide, you know that. The sad truth is he will only accept help and guidance when he is ready and it could be a while. At 18 you have no control but then again services are provided to dual diagnosed adults in the mental health side of things once he's in the system for issues like his.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I certainly know when my son was 18 if someone had told me I'd still be into this 10 years later I would have thought I just won't survive. I would have thought no one can live like this for long. The thing is they can't. I mean you, not him, he might be okay with the over the edge rebellion to bumping into adulthood until it runs it's course for him, whatever the course might be. But for you, I hope you take the reins of your life by getting help with therapy, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, massages and anything that suits you now rather than waiting until later thinking/feeling you can do something, control his life, you can't, we can't. Letting go, and letting be, loving unconditionally, but not taking yourself out is the only recipe for this hand you have been dealt. Everything JayPee said is so very true, true down to a kind and loving core level for both you and him.
 
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