Son in jail

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bluebell, May 16, 2017.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Son was arrested in February but let him go I think he gave some names. Court date for that in September. Arrested again last night, possession and intent to deliver counterfeit drugs. He was transferred to the county jail. Found out by doing a google search. We finally found his car and gave the title to the impound lot. It's worth less than the fee. Threw the rotting food out and put the rest of his life into two garbage bags in my trunk.

    I have to say I am relieved that he is not dead. Catsmom, if you are out there and have any words of wisdom for these first hours please don't hold back!
     
  2. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Sorry you have to go through this. My son is in prison. Ive come to peace with the fact that this might go on forever. This is his second time. Its a shame they are wasting their time on earth in a cell. I am hoping one day he will get sick of that lifestyle. In the meantime, i need to live life. I hope you can too. Prayers
     
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  3. No matter how much you try to detach, when you learn of these things, it causes sadness and worry....sometimes more than you realize or allow yourself to admit. I prayed for some peace for you. I have been through drugs, rehab, jail, their forsaking my grandchildren and homelessness is the latest. You say that you are relieved that he is not dead. Sadly, I feel guilty that I have thought that death might bring them the peace that they are seeking. I have asked myself if it would be peace for them or for me. God's will prevails. I am learning more recently that detachment is necessary for me to let go of the sadness, stress and other negatives that addiction has placed on the family. Just as Teriobe said....we need to live our lives. After doing so much and dealing with it for a while, you come to realize that...it is not your battle...it is their battle. Please try to detach and remember that. Hugs and Sleep Well!
     
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  4. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thank you both. Yes, I am in despair and dealing with other's opinions on "well if it were me'. My husband, daughter, brother and I are supposed to go on vacation on Saturday. Several have indicated that they could not go on vacation while their son was in jail. That seems ludicrous, I am almost relieved that he is there and not on the streets as he would have been otherwise. I think I have close family members who don't listen to me, or think I'm lying about what he has been doing and where he's been living (apparently his car). Or maybe they are scared they may have to deal with him in my absence, who knows. Tired of trying to figure other people out. I do understand the feelings about death. I do long for a finality to this and he does seem so agitated even in sleep lately - he has come home to sleep during the day for a few hours. I don't know how to bring him peace. I really have no hope for his situation. His life seems like a mistake. I hope as you say God will prevail and some day this will not feel so intense and painful. Not today.
     
  5. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Thanks 2 times the hearache for being soo honest and saying death might be better. I was afraid to say that out loud, but i too feel the same at times. Prayers
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Bluebell

    Sorry to hear you are going through this. Maybe this will be what he needs to turn his life around? It does seem for some that this helps.

    I think you should go on vacation and try to detach and enjoy your family and the things in your life that are good! You all deserve that.

    Try to remember that your suffering and worry will NOT help HIM or you so why do we do it?? That statement helps me minimize it a lot.

    I have often wondered if my son's life was a mistake too and I get the death thing too sadly. The suffering of the addict and the family is truly inhumane and unbearable.

    Don't listen to others' opinions or keep your responses to a minimum. They have not walked in your shoes and until they do, they have no idea what we live through! That is why this forum is priceless.
     
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  7. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks, RN. One of his friends told me that he has retained a lawyer and I notice on the inmate roster it says 'REL PER sensory processing disorder (SPD) LTR'. So I guess he's being released. He needed to stay longer.
     
  8. I am sorry you are going through this. I too feel what you all feel....I just cannot bring myself to say the words yet. Hugs and try to enjoy some fun times with your family! xx
     
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Of course you should go on vacation. Why should you suffer because of his choices? You didn't do anything wrong.

    Don't listen to naysayers. Until they have walked in your shoes, they can't possibly understand.

    ~Kathy
     
  10. february

    february Member

    Yes,go on vacation he is safe in jail. Time for him to reflect on his life.

    Much prayers for your son and your family!
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If you are looking for reading material, a book called Choice Therapy by Dr. William Glasser might give some guidance as to how you could relate to your son during his time in jail/prison and in the future. My stepmother in law worked closely with Dr. Glasser for decades and his work is phenomenal.

    Stepmil would go into a prison, often a max security prison, and work with a group of inmates. She would train them to look at everything they did as their choice and what it was or was not doing for them, how it impacted their lives. After they went through the program, those inmates would then turn around and train another group of inmates on the program. Stepmil set up Choice Therapy programs like this all over the world and has had amazing feedback. She has some incredible artwork that inmates have given her as gifts to say thank you for helping them see that they were the ones who destroyed their lives and could actually fix their lives.

    The book is available on amazon. There is also an earlier version called Reality Therapy that is also very good.
     
  12. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I am back from vacation. My son was released without bail and we took him with us on vacation. He stayed at home with us for 2 days after his release. It was understood that he would be making quite a few changes in his life upon return. Noone in our family would take him and we thought if we left him he would have no choice but to stay with the people who are fostering his bad choices, and frankly involved in a drug ring. He was very quiet throughout the trip, kept to himself and left to be with these people (can't call them friends) as soon as the plane landed. He used to love traveling. It is so sad. My brother was with us also which might have had something to do with him being so quiet. My son doesn't generally show that side of himself when other family members are around.

    He bought a car from one of the people he hangs out with, he is older than my husband, I don't know why that matters but it hurts that somehow he has replaced us with other parental figures. The car will not start without a jump and is in horrible condition. He called us and asked for a loan but we said no. He brought it over and wanted his dad to look it over. Son has already signed the title so what is the point and if he starts listing the repairs needed then that will open the door for him to ask us to pay. We did have to jump it to get it started for him to leave. We left a decent running car albeit held together with duct tape at the impound lot after he was arrested. I was not going to enable his drug dealing any longer. He has been arrested twice in the last 3 months with the car being impounded each time. He says he has a job that he starts tomorrow. He is not staying in our home.

    I am depressed beyond words. My husband, daughter and I had a wonderful time despite him being there but now it's back to reality. Which includes work, housework, homeschooling and dealing with whatever our son brings into our lives this week. I want to go back. I appreciate you guys and wanted to reach out to help me get my week back started. Happy Memorial Day everyone!
     
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Blue bell,

    Happy day. Back to work for us too, no vacation though.

    I'm sorry he has made these choices that defy everything you would want for your family and him.

    He seems to have detached from all of you, you need to concentrate on the rest of you.

    Hugs.
    Mof
     
  14. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks, mof. I wish he was detached but he's still asking for our help. I think he wanted approval and for us to be proud that he had found a car and another phantom job that will turn out to be nothing. He called his dad to pick him up from jail (released OR) and he obliged, hopeful that he had learned a lesson. One night in jail is not going to do it. He gets away with everything.
     
  15. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Unfortunately, or fortunately his actions will catch up with him. No, one night may not teach him much, but let the time tell.

    Life isnt easy for law abiding folks without shady dealings or addiction, it's certainly more difficult for the later.

    Dont allow him him to drag his virtual bad dealings in your home....our homes should bring us a sense of safety.

    hugs
    Mof