Son locked up

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Jan 23, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    So those who followed me know the last few days have been crazy, but they finally arrested my son and locked him up in Juvenile Detention. They went to his grandparents house & got him, his father was there & after they put cuffs on my son, he charged after his dad & pushed him against wall. We will have to go to court next week Thursday, and his father wants us to both say we want him to stay locked up in Juvenile Detention.This is so hard for me me,I feel like I’m betraying my son.I don’t want to go but I know it would be wrong to leave this all up to his dad &not back him up. I’m so torn, hurt & confused. He still has his charges of aggravated battery/ battery,running off with the ankle bracelet, & breaking car window .This hurts so much :(
     
  2. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Helpless. I am sad for you. Maybe being in Juvy is the best place right now. There will be tight boundaries.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Helpless

    I am so very sorry for your pain and how very impissibly hard this is for a mother. We love our sons who have gotten themselves and us into such impossible situations.

    I would say this. Remember how you felt when his grandparents were harboring him?
    You believed, correctly, that this was bad for your boy. That while what they were doing was understandable, sheltering and protecting him was wrong because he was acting very badly you believed he must face the consequences if his acts. Because this was best for him.

    I think your position and choice is the same as was theirs.

    In my mind, (but I don't know your child, or you--and don't know more than what you have put in your posts) there is only one right answer but the question is this: What choice would be best for the long-term welfare of your child, for the family, and for the community in general, right now, based upon your son's current conduct and behavior?

    This should have nothing to do with feelings, either yours, your son's or his father's or grandparent's. This has to do with an objective situation and objective needs of your child.

    If he did not stay in juvenile detention, where would he go, if his father will not take him?

    What would be the argument that would be the basis of getting him out right now? How will he get better, without intervention and consequences?

    His response after he was restrained, to attack his Dad, looks like he is doubling down. These are violent crimes he is committing. He could escalate. This could get worse.

    I think you know what to do. And I think that believing that there may be an answer that could make everything all right and make the bad feelings go away, makes the agony worse. Sometimes the hard thing needs to be faced, and put into the rear view mirror, and with that the pain sometimes lessens. I am sorry.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Helpless, remember this is about your son's behavior, not your fear.

    I hope I don't sound too blunt or mean. But the focus right now has to be on him. Your healing will come through whichever routes work best for you: counseling, spirituality, 12 step groups, close friends and family, NAMI groups...there are many resources available for hurting parents.

    Your son will end up dead if he is not locked up. He has to be protected from himself. He is completely out of control, based on what you have written for many months now.

    This will save his life.

    Wishing you and his dad strength through this process.
     
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  5. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    You are absolutely right.I know what’s best & there is no other options at this point. Sometimes we wish there was some miracle answer that will solve everything , if only it was so easy. Thank you , your advice & words help more then you know.
     
  6. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    You don’t sound mean , your words are very true. I wish there was a better option but I know there is not.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Helpless

    There is no easy answer. There is no way out for him or you right now. You are being hurt by his choices. These are not YOUR choices for him.

    Who knows what is really causing this behavior and this rebellion. I still don't know the answer in our situation. I have to realize that I may never know the answer and I just have to live with that. I am that person that wants to rationalize everything and have an answer and solution and tie a bow on it and put it away. That is not how it goes in this situation. I can tell you now so you can forget about that happening.

    I always told my son that I was trying to protect him from....himself. That is really what we were facing.

    I don't know how long this will last for your family - until he settles down and realizes that his behaviors are not getting him anywhere good.

    The best thing to do is take one day at a time and let him know that you love him. Life is just never easy it seems.
     
  8. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Helpless, I am so sorry. This is hard stuff. Know that you are NOT betraying him. You are allowing him to grow by letting him face the consequences of his own choices. Every time I have stepped in to rescue mine from their natural consequences it has turned out to be the wrong choice. But I know how hard it is to stand back and do nothing or, worse, actively participate in ensuring that they face those consequences. We are primed to step in and save our children from pain. Every mother's instinct we have says "save them, protect them, make sure they don't hurt."

    But we can't. And they are not our little boys anymore. Your son is nearly a man, and it will only get worse after he turns 18 if he does not learn these lessons now. Love says no. Love says you must learn. Love says you have to face your own consequences. But I think this is the hardest kind of love.

    Big hugs.
     
  9. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    As I read your words ,I cry . Your words mean a lot & truly help me understand that what I am doing is not wrong. Thank you , no one understands, only those who have been through it or still are . Your words truly mean a lot to me.
     
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with your son's dad. Your son is out of control and something drastic has to happen. As hard as it is going to be for you, I think you need to go and show an united front.

    ~Kathy
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your pain and worry about your son. Its good they found him. The best hope for him is that the system intervene at this point because his behavior is leading him to a very dangerous and bad path. The best thing you can do is go show so support for him and his father by telling the truth. You love your son, you are scared for him and have no control over him and dont know how to help him.