Son set me video

Helpless29

Active Member
Got into a huge fight with my husband because I paid my sons phone bill , I just wanted to make sure I had contact with him because he is homeless, my husband wants me to completely cut ties with him , we got into a screaming match & we haven’t spoken to each other since yesterday. My phone went off at 5am this morning, my son set me a video of where he was sleeping on a bench & had a small pillow. In the video he said I just wanted to say goodnight , hope your sleeping good in your mansion while I sleep on a bench with no food. If I continue to send money it will for sure be a breaking point for me & my husband . My sons dad will not help at all , I reached out to him but all he said was let him learn the hard way.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi and I'm sorry about this.

Your son is trying to guilt you. He can eat. There are food pantries and shelters and other services. But we think food and freak out, although they probably do eat. I am only sounding harsh because I used to bring groceries to my daughter all the time when she refused to go to food pantries or get state food assistance AND she refused to work....I felt I had to feed her. Guess what? When, after ten years, we closed the Bank of Mom and Dad for real, she suddenly got on Disability, has a food card with a generous amount of money on it and even got Medicare/Medicaid. Have no idea how she talked herself into Disability, but she did and she would not try to help herself and get on state assistance until AFTER we finally got fed up and said no. I agree with your husband. Doing the detaching us not easy all the time though. Therapy and Nar Anon helped us after ten years. We bought her a house, mobile home, paid rent, bought three cars and went broke doing it. Meanwhile our two good kids got none since we were so worried about Kay having a roof and a meal.

She now lives in a very old motorhome in Arizona on the other side of the country. I don't know if the thing still runs. They did drive there in it. They means her worthless husband and herself. Now I hear that she raves on FB about how good it is to have left the rat race and her fake family (she is adopted,) and now she can be free without society's rules in her way. She doesn't complain about sleeping in that old thing...it was nasty. She does talk about Joe and Jane (she refers to us by our first names...these are not really our names). In her words we are abusive and let her starve and live in the street with nothing. I guess she has memory problems.

The point is what you d is up to you. Who you sacrifice for this son (and I know you have other kids)...this is up to you. Family WILL probably resent it if you let this child suck in all your oxygen at their expense. Couples do break up. We almost did but my husband is a great man...in the end we are together happily. Kay seems to be more self sufficient than we ever dreamed she could be. No, she is not walking the path we had hoped for but she is finding her own path.

Sadly in my opinion most of these kids stop calling us when they KNOW we won't give them more. They also tend to ONLY call when they want something from us. If they take drugs anything we buy them is often sold for drug money. Even pot. NarAnon members would tell you to go to the first three steps:

1. We admit that we are powerless over the addict--that our lives have become unmanageable,. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM

You are in mourning over this dear child but that doesn't help him and destroys you. I hope you can find a way to get higher wisdom.

If you want to buy a good book I like the Nar Anon Reader you can get on Amazon. It's called Sharing Experience Strength & Hope. No author. Just type in Nar Anon.

There is a reading for every day of the year, tools that work, and wisdom. I take it with me everywhere.

Journaling while reading it daily helps me too. There is a workbook too...if interested. I like going to meetings. Some are on Zoom...you can look that up on the internet if interested.

Hugs and love and many prayers.
 
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Helpless29

Active Member
Hi and I'm sorry about this.

Your son is trying to guilt you. He can eat. There are food pantries and shelters and other services. But we think food and freak out, although they probably do eat. I am only sounding harsh because I used to bring groceries to my daughter all the time when she refused to go to food pantries or get state food assistance AND she refused to work....I felt I had to feed her. Guess what? When, after ten years, we closed the Bank of Mom and Dad for real, she suddenly got on Disability, has a food card with a generous amount of money on it and even got Medicare/Medicaid. Have no idea how she talked herself into Disability, but she did and she would not try to help herself and get on state assistance until AFTER we finally got fed up and said no. I agree with your husband. Doing the detaching us not easy all the time though. Therapy and Nar Anon helped us after ten years. We bought her a house, mobile home, paid rent, bought three cars and went broke doing it. Meanwhile our two good kids got none since we were so worried about Kay having a roof and a meal.

She now lives in a very old motorhome in Arizona on the other side of the country. I don't know if the thing still runs. They did drive there in it. They means her worthless husband and herself. Now I hear that she raves on FB about how good it is to have left the rat race and her fake family (she is adopted,) and now she can be free without society's rules in her way. She doesn't complain about sleeping in that old thing...it was nasty. She does talk about Joe and Jane (she refers to us by our first names...these are not really our names). In her words we are abusive and let her starve and live in the street with nothing. I guess she has memory problems.

The point is what you d is up to you. Who you sacrifice for this son (and I know you have other kids)...this is up to you. Family WILL probably resent it if you let this child suck in all your oxygen at their expense. Couples do break up. We almost did but my husband is a great man...in the end we are together happily. Kay seems to be more self sufficient than we ever dreamed she could be. No, she is not walking the path we had hoped for but she is finding her own path.

Sadly in my opinion most of these kids stop calling us when they KNOW we won't give them more. They also tend to ONLY call when they want something from us. If they take drugs anything we buy them is often sold for drug money. Even pot. NarAnon members would tell you to go to the first three steps:

1. We admit that we are powerless over the addict--that our lives have become unmanageable,. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM

You are in mourning over this dear child but that doesn't help him and destroys you. I hope you can find a way to get higher wisdom.

If you want to buy a good book I like the Nar Anon Reader you can get on Amazon. It's called Sharing Experience Strength & Hope. No author. Just type in Nar Anon.

There is a reading for every day of the year, tools that work, and wisdom. I take it with me everywhere.

Journaling while reading it daily helps me too. There is a workbook too...if interested. I like going to meetings. Some are on Zoom...you can look that up on the internet if interested.

Hugs and love and many prayers.
Thank you , I have sent him lots of resources for food & shelters and places that can help but he refuses. He did get a job at UPS night shift with good pay but probably won’t get his first paycheck for 2 weeks. I started to feel myself finding people to zelle him money for food & water but then I stopped. I did see one of his close friends sent him $30 to his bank account. I don’t have access to his bank account but I can see his emails. My husband means well & dosent want me to get hurt , cuz we been down this road over & over but sometimes I feel like he’s insensitive to my feelings . I have a friend who work for Greater Chicago food depositary & debating if I should reach out to her to help & give her his number
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
sometimes I feel like he’s insensitive to my feelings
Maybe your husband feels like he needs to counterbalance your susceptibility to your feelings--because son is manipulating and hurting you.

I think it's cruel of your son, what he's doing to you. He is telling you that you have no right to have any comfort and security in life--if you don't give it to him according to the rules he makes.

His rules are--support and help him no matter what he does, what the consequences, and who he hurts. Your welfare and you family's welfare mean nothing to him. His legal obligations mean nothing to him.

Helpless. I think he's playing on deep-seated feelings of guilt you have. Maybe because in the past, you've chosen for yourself, and your young family--and not for him.

The thing is, there is nothing we can do about the past. Over-compensating now does not change the past.

Your son is now an adult. Nothing that any of us do now, for these adult children, can reach back to remedy past choices.

I am like you. I have lots of guilt about my own choices about past relationships. No matter how much I bend over backward and put myself on the line--I can't change the past, nor should I try. Our best hope is to do the right thing now.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He did get a job at UPS night shift with good pay but probably won’t get his first paycheck for 2 weeks.
Of all the adult children on this forum, your son, in my opinion, is the most resilient and among the most capable. So far he has always landed on his feet. He gets good jobs quickly and seems to have the ability, if he chooses, to keep them.

You have the choice to focus on this. That he is able and competent if he chooses to be. He knows how to solve problems.

Right now his priority seems to be to guilt-trip and hurt you. Get mad Helpless! You don't deserve this. Please think about blocking him, if his aim is to hurt you. I am sorry this is happening. But I suggest you think about what he's doing, and why. I agree with your husband, who is trying to protect you and your family.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I’m so sorry. My husband and I have had discussions regarding the phone. Eventually, we decided to pay for the phone in case there was a true emergency.

However, we have had to set boundaries with the phone that she still tests to this day. It’s exhausting. But…there have been improvements.

He absolutely was trying to hurt you with that video combined with those comments.

our daughter is afraid of losing her phone. Is your son? If so, he might hesitate to do that again if he understands there likely willbe a consequence.

when she is inappropriate we have done various things to remove ourselves from the insanity. I might give her one warning and if she does it again, I’ll block her for a day. She is profoundly slow to learn and/or take any accountability for her actions.

only once did we literally have her phone turned off fir a day. That scared her badly. Us too, actually. She improved after that.

today, we give her the warning. If she breaks that…we block her or don’t answer her calls fir 24 hours. That seems to do the trick.

my hubby and I did have to meet with a counselor a few times to discuss how to cope with our daughter’s mental illness. It’s not easy finding someone who “gets it,” but we did and it was of great help.

we try hard not to argue about her. It’s already zapped so much energy etc from our lives. It sure isn’t easy. But, maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse in the great majority of cases (I think/in my humble opinion) needs to be the priority.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Helpless, I certainly don't have all the answers and still deal with a lot of the same things you do. What I'm coming to terms with is that I have to figure out what's "broken" within me that can't stand to see my adult sons suffer any discomfort be it hunger, homelessness, joblessness, depression, addiction, mental illness etc. without feeling "I" must save the day, "I" must rescue, I, I, I.

What's broken in "me" not them. Yes, they're broken too but I can't change that. They have to do the hard work to get better and part of our pain is wanting them to get well and be happy and successful "right now" so we don't have to hurt for them.

I'm determined to figure out what is it in me that has to be fixed (or maybe not so much fixed, but realized and dealt with compassionately for myself) so that I can allow them the dignity to experience life on life's terms just like I have to.

I've recently started listening to Tara Brach (who is fabulous). She has some books but you can also find her on Youtube giving talks. She's soothing and full of so much wisdom. I wish she could be my therapist because I know I'd be well in no time!

One day at a time...
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless, I certainly don't have all the answers and still deal with a lot of the same things you do. What I'm coming to terms with is that I have to figure out what's "broken" within me that can't stand to see my adult sons suffer any discomfort be it hunger, homelessness, joblessness, depression, addiction, mental illness etc. without feeling "I" must save the day, "I" must rescue, I, I, I.

What's broken in "me" not them. Yes, they're broken too but I can't change that. They have to do the hard work to get better and part of our pain is wanting them to get well and be happy and successful "right now" so we don't have to hurt for them.

I'm determined to figure out what is it in me that has to be fixed (or maybe not so much fixed, but realized and dealt with compassionately for myself) so that I can allow them the dignity to experience life on life's terms just like I have to.

I've recently started listening to Tara Brach (who is fabulous). She has some books but you can also find her on Youtube giving talks. She's soothing and full of so much wisdom. I wish she could be my therapist because I know I'd be well in no time!

One day at a time...
JayPee

Nothing is broken in YOU. You are a mother and we have to learn a new way to "parent" these kids.

It's certainly not you.
 
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