Son threatening suicide.

Acacia

Well-Known Member
It has come to this, and I know many wise members have dealt with this kind of scary situation. I posted in November how I co-signed a lease with my 36 year old ds when I thought he was turning things around. I was worried that he couldn't pay the rent, but within a few months I got concerned because he seemed to have excess cash - two cars, a truck, and a motorcycle, so I thought he might be dealing (he already has a felony for that). I voiced my concerns and asked him to have his mail go to his place, and he became enraged, intimidating, and verbally abusive.

I did not cut contact, which many of you advised but I did not see him in person. The lease is up on March 31st. On Saturday he forwarded an email from the landlord requesting he vacate the apt. by Feb. 28th because of suspected drug activity/dealing, numerous incidents, etc. The landlord forwarded his concerns to the police department. My son said none of it is true and wanted to talk to me, so "we would be on the same page" with the landlord.

I refused and texted my son last night that I would only communicate with me son via text/email because of his gaslighting, manipulation, etc. He immediately called. I did not answer. I turned off the phone. When I turned on the phone, every text was gaslighting, manipulation, desperation, with the last two messages in caps that he is going to kill himself tonight.

I emailed him the following:
When I tried to voice my concerns and set boundaries with you about mail and the electricity in November, you became enraged with me and called me an old lady scumbag and insulted me. You then intimidated me into backing down from reasonable requests and put me on speaker phone to mock me to your friends. That's the reason I stopped communicating with you.

I have tried over and over again to help you. I was willing to co-sign a lease, but did not expect to do the electricity, but I did while you have never respected my boundary about the mail. I have been asking for years. I do not want to be involved with the issues with the apartment or with any financial, legal, or other issues for which you should be responsible.

You are an adult, and, yes, at almost seventy, I am an old lady. It is unfair to blame, gaslight, and manipulate me. I went to the doctor today because your behavior is negatively affecting my health.

I take your desperation and suicidality seriously, but I am not what is causing it. I pray that you get help. Anything you want to say to me, you can email me. I cannot stand up to you because you intimidate and rage at me, and I have been negatively affected and heartbroken for years.

I have no knowledge about or power to address the concerns that the apartment manager has brought against you. If the accusations are not true, I still don't want to be involved. It is not my issue. Not wanting to be responsible for you has nothing to do with loving you and wanting the best for you though I know you will never believe that.


I shut off my phone. I am sitting here crying, but I am resolved not to do this anymore. I have to let go, let God.
My husband thinks I should go away for the week in case my son gets more desperate, but my son hates my husband, and I don't want to leave him here by himself.

Thanks to all of who share your compassion and wisdom walking this path.
 

momshope

New Member
It has come to this, and I know many wise members have dealt with this kind of scary situation. I posted in November how I co-signed a lease with my 36 year old ds when I thought he was turning things around. I was worried that he couldn't pay the rent, but within a few months I got concerned because he seemed to have excess cash - two cars, a truck, and a motorcycle, so I thought he might be dealing (he already has a felony for that). I voiced my concerns and asked him to have his mail go to his place, and he became enraged, intimidating, and verbally abusive.

I did not cut contact, which many of you advised but I did not see him in person. The lease is up on March 31st. On Saturday he forwarded an email from the landlord requesting he vacate the apt. by Feb. 28th because of suspected drug activity/dealing, numerous incidents, etc. The landlord forwarded his concerns to the police department. My son said none of it is true and wanted to talk to me, so "we would be on the same page" with the landlord.

I refused and texted my son last night that I would only communicate with me son via text/email because of his gaslighting, manipulation, etc. He immediately called. I did not answer. I turned off the phone. When I turned on the phone, every text was gaslighting, manipulation, desperation, with the last two messages in caps that he is going to kill himself tonight.

I emailed him the following:
When I tried to voice my concerns and set boundaries with you about mail and the electricity in November, you became enraged with me and called me an old lady scumbag and insulted me. You then intimidated me into backing down from reasonable requests and put me on speaker phone to mock me to your friends. That's the reason I stopped communicating with you.

I have tried over and over again to help you. I was willing to co-sign a lease, but did not expect to do the electricity, but I did while you have never respected my boundary about the mail. I have been asking for years. I do not want to be involved with the issues with the apartment or with any financial, legal, or other issues for which you should be responsible.

You are an adult, and, yes, at almost seventy, I am an old lady. It is unfair to blame, gaslight, and manipulate me. I went to the doctor today because your behavior is negatively affecting my health.

I take your desperation and suicidality seriously, but I am not what is causing it. I pray that you get help. Anything you want to say to me, you can email me. I cannot stand up to you because you intimidate and rage at me, and I have been negatively affected and heartbroken for years.

I have no knowledge about or power to address the concerns that the apartment manager has brought against you. If the accusations are not true, I still don't want to be involved. It is not my issue. Not wanting to be responsible for you has nothing to do with loving you and wanting the best for you though I know you will never believe that.


I shut off my phone. I am sitting here crying, but I am resolved not to do this anymore. I have to let go, let God.
My husband thinks I should go away for the week in case my son gets more desperate, but my son hates my husband, and I don't want to leave him here by himself.

Thanks to all of who share your compassion and wisdom walking this path.
Praying so hard for you right now. You sound like a strong lady and I think what you texted/emailed him is spot on. It was clear and concise, protected you, yet was compassionate and loving. I hope, while you don't want to go away for week, perhaps you take a day trip or do something that would soothe your soul? You so deserve it! sending you a big hug - :)
 

Worndown68

New Member
Completely agree with Momshope, you found the strength to handle it. Now you have to look after yourself.
I honestly think it’s going to be ok. I have lost count of times I have been in similar situation. Big hugs. 🤗
 

momshope

New Member
Thank you Worndown68! Every day is a bit of a battle, but I am trying hard. I can't bet or dwell on my daughter being ok, just have to find the energy to be ok myself. Its hard, as I gave my all for her, and was gas lighted by my ex at every turn, and still so. The first ten minutes of my day are crucial, I have learned. If I put myself first, and find a place of peace, I can return to it when the you know what hits the fan. Feeling your hugs and sending a big one back to you!
 

Worndown68

New Member
Thanks for the hug, I am so relieved to find this site! I think I thought I was the only parent dealing with this chaos and abuse. Suddenly after looking for advice I find I can offer experience, wow feels good for a bit anyway 😂.
 

momshope

New Member
Absolutely! If we can still help each other with encouragement or advice, we are not truly lost. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and waking up to a panic attack. I am not perfect but omg my kids had a magical life due to ME. That is the truth. They are so threatened that I am married now, and in spite of saying they were happy for me, are behaving like lost waifs at 28 and 30. Wont drive one hour to see me, compared to my two hour drive, and physical emotional cost to me. Tell me what works, please? And I encourage you and hubby to love yourselves first, tho it is not our first impulse as parents.

I took care of my now ex for one year after 1-Finding out he was cheating on me with a married client. I went to church alone for a week. God told me to help him choose from a place of wellness. So I took care of him, without him ever knowing I knew of infidelity. Cooked special meals for him, ran after him to take medication, etc. Nightmare.

2-finding out my 7 year old kid was abused by her teacher. My ex did not support my efforts for therapy for either of my kids, or me. This happened at the same time as the above. One day, I was driving to a court date and could not remember if it was for my divorce or for my kid. Almost died, pulling over to breathe. Thank you God for my friends who I called.

Why is it that we can raise our kids with solid values and some get it while others do not? I am fairly certain it is not on us. I am an educator. I will try and get 89 percent understanding. It isn't enough. Being an educator means you bust you butt to re up to 100 percent. I will change my game, focus on learning style, etc. oil they get it. But to USE it is up to them. Especially in adulthood.

We cannot take the blame or shame then.

Must go cook supper:) I am a good cook and an even better eater lol.

CONTINUE feeling good, as you are so worthy, and please, breathe deep. xo
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I think what you said was very good. He’s an adult. You’ve tried to help. So be it. He won’t abide by boundaries AND he is abusive. Block him on your phone fir awhile. And consider ONLY communicating by TEXT AND only when he is appropriate AND only when it’s convenient to do so. Consider getting a good alarm system on your home if by chance you don’t have one already. If by some chance he has any keys to your home, change the locks. Greatly limit your contact with him. If he texts suicidal thoughts…perhaps you might simply encourage him to call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.Don’t get into a discussion. Move on at 100 mph. It’s hard…I know. (((Hugs)))
 

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
The lease is up on March 31st. On Saturday he forwarded an email from the landlord requesting he vacate the apt. by Feb. 28th because of suspected drug activity/dealing, numerous incidents, etc. The landlord forwarded his concerns to the police department. My son said none of it is true and wanted to talk to me, so "we would be on the same page" with the landlord.
Aracia, so sorry to read about this but it's on him. We both know a landlord would most likely not make these things up to make trouble for themselves so yeah it's good you stayed out of it.

When I turned on the phone, every text was gaslighting, manipulation, desperation, with the last two messages in caps that he is going to kill himself tonight.
Any mention of suicide is over our heads, full stop. I have called the mental health hot line a few times when my son has said and then later implied the same to me, he has been both admitted to the hospital and left alone at other times by them, but I let them decide. I know it could cause him to not say it outload in the future to me but no matter it's not something I can handle from anyone, my son knows this by now and knows it's very serious to me. I would call the hotline and tell them what he messaged you, they will call him and send the crises unit to him if they determine it's needed.

I think your email to him was spot on, good job! I know of the worry, the taking on of their failure to step up to life within yourself as if somehow you are responsible for it, but we both know you are not. If you were, well then you would have been able to make it different for him. He's blown it, again, him, not his upbringing, not you, him. You can only control you, not him, not anyone else. He's a grown man who knows he's messed up and is doing the lightning speed head spinning drill of looking for someone outside of himself to blame for what he's done and take on his blowing it.

I wish going away for a week would help you, would it? If so I think it would be a good idea. I don't understand what you said about leaving your husband there by himself. Maybe he should go with you?

Regardless of anything you decide to do "Let go and let God" seems to me is where you are at. I'm not a particularly religious person but I've found these are the times to let Jesus take the wheel.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I’m suspicious about the mail. Why did he not want to change the address on mail? Is he hiding from something?

He will find a new place to live. People can be very creative and resourceful when they have to be. Is he employed right now?

He’s too old to behave this way. I’m sorry he’s making you sick. Please take careful of yourself.
 

Newksm

New Member
8f he has mail sent to your address...does that mean he would have legal right to move in?? I know that some states you would have to do a legal eviction...
 

momshope

New Member
Crayola has a point. OMG I made a pun lol. Seriously tho, my brother did this to avoid creditors, using my sisters address. You definitely can Return to Sender. His name isn't on the house and he does not live there!
 

momshope

New Member
The other thing is, if you continue to receive texts where he threatens suicide you can call the police, make a report (they will come to you) and they will do a wellness check. The landlord has already alerted them to your son's behavior. I received a "good bye to all - suicide" email that a crazy ex boyfriend sent to me and his family. I called the police where he lived gave his address. They went and stopped him. He never knew it was me.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
I don't know how many times my son has told me on the phone or via text that he was going to jump off an overpass or in front of a train, or how many times he has said as much on Facebook. While I take those seriously I always feel he's looking for sympathy or attention because if he really intended to kill himself he would have already done so. Plus, and I'm no expert, but from what I understand, most of the people who actually do commit suicide don't say anything about it beforehand or they write about it in a journal or diary rather than voicing it to those around them.

Also know that if the worst comes to the worst, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to prevent it, and none of this, NONE, is your fault. It sounds like you have bent over backwards to help while keeping reasonable boundaries, and he has pushed those boundaries to the limit. Hugs and prayers.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
To all who wrote, I want to thank you for the support. I haven't responded because I have avoided the computer, phone, etc. for a couple of days. I am taking it one day at a time. Your generous practical advice, compassion, and clarity on this site mean the world to me. This, therapy, and twelve step have helped me gain the skills and courage to change my behavior. I could never have set such clear boundaries and kept to them before now.

I know I will have doubts. I know there will be two steps forward and one step back. I considered calling a mental health line about my son's talk of suicide. I probably should have, but I was afraid it would bring more rage. I did so on my daughter's abuser when he threatened suicide to control her. It was a manipulation and both of them turned on me.

Crayola, about the mail. Yes, I think he is hiding something. He doesn't want probation or the authorities to be able to locate him is my guess, but he always tried to make me feel guilt for not doing that one small thing for him.

I have not heard anything since I sent the email. That's okay with me. Sometimes my worries and fear get the best of me, but I am able to walk them back.

No matter what happens, there's something in me that has shifted. I feel strong in knowing that I will refuse to be treated without kindness and respect, no matter if he is my son or not.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Acacia,
So sorry for all you have gone through with your daughter and son. I know how it is to have two wayward adult children.
I understand the fear of leaving for a week- I would not be able to because my two might break into to my house. I finally purchased a floodlight camera and actually ended up videotaping my daughter lurking around my house at 3:45 am! It both saddened and upset me, I hadn’t heard from her in months, but really the audacity! Who does that? (Oh yah, our kids do 🤬).
I have not experienced suicide threats with mine and if I do, I appreciate the advice from others to call 911 for a welfare check.
You sound very strong and determined to keep your boundaries and claim your right to peace in your life. Good for you! Keep up your resolve. I am working on the same path, but do have emotional backslides every now and then.
On the mail- in my state mail determines proof of residency, so that can be a very sticky situation if it is the same where you are. A few years ago a neighbor who had left her home under her sons care to move in with her boyfriend, came back to find her son and his girlfriend had completely trashed the property. The girlfriend got nasty with my neighbor and police were called. girlfriend produced mail with her name and the address on it and the police could do nothing! I have recently been receiving mail from out of state companies addressed to a Mr and Mrs that I have no idea who they are. I spoke with our post office and the only remedy was to write “return to sender, not at this address” on any mail I received for these people. It was weird and unnerving, but the mail finally stopped. The fact that your son becomes unhinged when you speak to him about removing your address makes me wonder what his deal is.
Sigh. Life certainly throws us challenges. Keep on keeping on and stay strong!
(((Hugs)))
Leaf
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
Thanks, New Leaf. It's good to hear from you. Yeah, having our kids lurk around the house is unnerving. I threatened to call the police on my son because he was sleeping in our tree house when expressly forbidden on the property.

Thanks for the thoughts on the mail. This is my next big hurdle. I don't know why it's been so hard. I think part of it is in this state, you can't have car registration, etc. sent to a P.O. box, and my son is sometimes homeless. Truthfully, it's not my problem, and given his mistreatment of me, I shouldn't care. I'm marshalling my strength to set this boundary. The posts help.
 
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