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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758478" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Helpless</p><p></p><p>I think it's a strong step by your son to write these letters.</p><p></p><p>Is he specifically requesting in the letter to come back to your home? If so that raises red flags for me. I would think he's saying "magic words." Actually, to me there is a 90 percent likelihood this is what is going on. (Which doesn't make him bad.)</p><p></p><p>He may be getting in touch with that part of him that does want to do the right thing, and does have regret, and does feel gratitude, but he does not know yet to harness his motivations, intentions, self-control, to do the right things for himself. This is a learning process for all of us. This means that he needs a specific setting where he gets help to learn these things and to put them into practice. He may need a residential training program for boys who have gotten into trouble. Or I am thinking right now of another option, Job Corps, a federal, residential job training program, that is free. I believe they take kids that are 16 and over. There are sites all over the country. They supervise the residents very well. My son went. Your son likes to work, and has had a taste of work he likes. Maybe this is worth checking out.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say, as others have already: Your home may not be best for him right now.</p><p></p><p>There are just so many factors here. I think the way to approach it would be to let go right now of a specific result and see what emerges, after exploring different options, after talking with him more, after speaking with your husband (without a specific result in mind.)</p><p></p><p>Right now you have the "feeling" of wanting to let him come back. You have the "feeling" of being afraid your husband will say no. Another way to approach this might be as information seeking. That might free you up to go forward. There is so much here that is both unknown and out of your control. Sometimes we are too quick to react based upon feelings rather than solid information.</p><p></p><p>As others have said, and you know full well, there are realities that need to be considered. Most of all there is the reality of your son's welfare. Right now he is in a mental space of acknowledging and changing. But he has not put into place behaviors over a sustained time to create that. In my own life I know how hard that can be. Insight is one thing. Actually doing different is quite another.</p><p></p><p>I think speaking with your husband is an essential first step, to see where he is, what he thinks, and how he feels. Not just about your son coming home, but in general.</p><p></p><p>I think looking at alternatives for your son, is essential. He has specific needs, for strong control and monitoring and other situations may be a better fit. To let yourself be open to that, may get some of the pressure off of you, whatever the final decision would be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758478, member: 18958"] Hi Helpless I think it's a strong step by your son to write these letters. Is he specifically requesting in the letter to come back to your home? If so that raises red flags for me. I would think he's saying "magic words." Actually, to me there is a 90 percent likelihood this is what is going on. (Which doesn't make him bad.) He may be getting in touch with that part of him that does want to do the right thing, and does have regret, and does feel gratitude, but he does not know yet to harness his motivations, intentions, self-control, to do the right things for himself. This is a learning process for all of us. This means that he needs a specific setting where he gets help to learn these things and to put them into practice. He may need a residential training program for boys who have gotten into trouble. Or I am thinking right now of another option, Job Corps, a federal, residential job training program, that is free. I believe they take kids that are 16 and over. There are sites all over the country. They supervise the residents very well. My son went. Your son likes to work, and has had a taste of work he likes. Maybe this is worth checking out. What I am trying to say, as others have already: Your home may not be best for him right now. There are just so many factors here. I think the way to approach it would be to let go right now of a specific result and see what emerges, after exploring different options, after talking with him more, after speaking with your husband (without a specific result in mind.) Right now you have the "feeling" of wanting to let him come back. You have the "feeling" of being afraid your husband will say no. Another way to approach this might be as information seeking. That might free you up to go forward. There is so much here that is both unknown and out of your control. Sometimes we are too quick to react based upon feelings rather than solid information. As others have said, and you know full well, there are realities that need to be considered. Most of all there is the reality of your son's welfare. Right now he is in a mental space of acknowledging and changing. But he has not put into place behaviors over a sustained time to create that. In my own life I know how hard that can be. Insight is one thing. Actually doing different is quite another. I think speaking with your husband is an essential first step, to see where he is, what he thinks, and how he feels. Not just about your son coming home, but in general. I think looking at alternatives for your son, is essential. He has specific needs, for strong control and monitoring and other situations may be a better fit. To let yourself be open to that, may get some of the pressure off of you, whatever the final decision would be. [/QUOTE]
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