Spiraling out of control

Helpless29

Active Member
I called PO , told them my son left home, told her about the drug use , I told her I could not let him back home because I need to protect my 2 children at home . Her response was she will report this to the states attorney & they will reach out to my son ,she asked if there was anywhere I could find him to stay because of this brutally cold weather. I called a old friend ( I haven’t seen her in over 10 years ) I had her as a FB friend & reached out , told her situation, I know she struggled to pay her bills & that her son just moved out & asked if she would rent out his room to my son temporarily, she agreed .Her bills were pass due & she needed the extra income. He moved in & I dropped off his belongings, as I talked to her in person she seemed a little off, well come to find out she is a scammer, does weed & cocaine . I found this out from my sons girlfriend, which has also left him .Found out she’s getting high with my son.What did I just do?? I got involved still trying to help & put him in worst situation!! The PO’s will put out a warrant for my son , but the way it works , is they don’t going knocking on the door to get him, he has to get in some sort of trouble or do something in order for police to arrest him . I don’t know what to do anymore . I’m thinking this old friend will sooner or later kick my son out because he’s on the verge of losing his job & all she cares about is the money & then he will hit rock bottom & just maybe he will accept my offer to get him treatment. I need to stop obsessing about him , I need to let things just be & move on , I say it in my mind but everyday I just obsess & create scenarios in my mind of what he’s doing or what will happen . Someone please send me detachment article. I am emotionally drained.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Helpless

First of all, I am sorry.

Second, you are reacting the way we all react in similar circumstances. So, please forgive yourself.

Just yesterday what I did was email several online Nar-anon groups. I am facing the same as you. Somebody from England wrote me back. I like this idea to be connected in recovery around the world.

We have no control here. None. Our sons set up this domino effect by their choices and behavior. We have no role or responsibility in this.

I believe you did exactly the right thing by calling the P.O. I think each of us by trying to help, put our foot in it. I did the same. I have been told that the only thing I can do is detach. I've accepted it. Finally.

The police were just here. My son punched M in the face and spat on him. He accused us of robbing him. When the reverse is true.. He threatened to burn down the house. I am sorry that M refused to file a complaint with the police. My son needs consequences. I am calling the police back and I want to file a complaint against my son, if I can, for threatening to burn down my house. At the very least I want him picked up to be evaluated by mental health as a potential danger to others. I will try.

Helpless. We are not responsible for the chain of events set in motion by our children. Not you. Not me. The worst-case scenarios are already here. It's to accept that we have no role here except boundaries. I am going to look now to tell you how to access the detachment article.
 
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ksm

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I couldn't find the article either but I just wrote to Runaway Bunny to let us know where it is.
Copa...can you get an order for criminal tresspass? The way I understand it, if they come back, they can be in trouble. The actual CT order doesn't get them in trouble...only if they break it. Ksm
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
can you get an order for criminal tresspass?
Thank you ksm. I got an order of trespass for the other property some years ago from the Police. It was fairly easy. I am thinking about it, again. I am heartbroken that it has come to this. Again.

My son is blaming M for everything. I saw it all. And how can M be responsible for my son raging at me before M came? He called me the b-word several times. I was afraid. I know I am trying to understand through a rational lens, but it's just so, so sad. I would be all alone with this without M. What would I have done?

I guess I haven't hit my bottom yet. I feel sad for Helpless and me.

I did call back the police and the officer returned. I wanted to discuss filing a complaint about burning my house down. The officer downplayed it. I asked about evaluation by mental health for danger to others, he downplayed that, too. He did say that he put the threat in the police report. I let it go. I chose to not destabilize the situation further, given I don't have the support of the officer. This has happened over and over again, with the police. I had almost a couple of years of peace. And here we are again.
 
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Helpless29

Active Member
Copa,
I’m so sorry you are going through this, I’m glad we are able to support one another through these difficult times, I wish I had some good advice or words of wisdom but I’m completely lost . I pray for us to have strength & peace . Sending hugs
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless and Copa, I am just catching up on these posts now. I am so sorry for both of you. Thinking of you both tonight and keeping you in my prayers.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am so very sorry that you and M are dealing with all of this. None of this is your fault or M's, regardless of what your son says. I hope you find some peace with the situation soon. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

As for sending him into a worse situation, that is not on you. He can always say no to someone offering him drugs, just like he could say no to a piece of pie if it was offered to him. You are not responsible for his choices. If he truly wants out of the situation, he will find a way. Our kids are nothing if not resourceful and creative at getting their own way. You made sure he had a warm place to go. That was above and beyond the call of duty.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

I'm so sorry your son is taking you on this awful journey. You tried to help him and it is not your fault that any of this happened. You were desperate to get a roof over his head! I do hope the police catch up with him one way or another.

He has to get sick and tired of the way he is living. He is probably enjoying the drugging right now like mine did for a while. I think he will eventually (my son did) but it's not on YOUR timetable and you will be completely drained and fried before he decides to think about changing!!

Save yourself because this worry will age you and kill you if you let it. You have a loving husband and two little children to stay mentally healthy for. Try to step away from your son right now. He is not ready to change.

My son lost at least five years of his life and he still doesn't see that. I can't even talk about it; it's very painful for me to know this.

Copa

I'm sorry you are still dealing with your son like this. You have to accept, somehow, that this is who he is now and you cannot change him and you cannot live with him. It is a very hard thing to accept I'm sure but you cannot change him. You cannot change this.

I don't know what I would do either if I were you. It's so very very hard. You have to learn to love him from afar I believe. I love people from afar that are not in my life anymore.

Prayers for you ladies and all of us here.
 

Nandina

Member
It breaks my heart to hear both of your updates.

How can these children of ours have so little regard for the time, effort and money we put toward helping them get their lives together? Yet we keep trying and trying, hoping for a glimpse of maturity, a change of heart, a demonstration of love for us...and yet so often we end up disappointed, frustrated, and angry that we got “sucked in” once again.

I don’t know if I can offer any advice that you don’t already know and haven’t heard countless times on this site. But we’ve all been there again and again and we understand your hope that perhaps this time, it will be different.

Helpless, I’m glad you held your son accountable by notifying his PO. At 17, he is still very young and will certainly grow and change over the next few years as he matures and he may surprise you. It’s still very early.

I agree with others suggesting you focus on yourself and your family. It’s hard when you’re so distracted with your son’s problems but your family needs your full attention now. Use whatever means you can to stay in a healthy frame of mind—whether it be joining Nar-anon, seeking counseling or a spritual practice. Whatever works for you.

Please don’t dwell on your son’s misfortune. I think it’s temporary and will take some time for him to change. You can’t wait for him to grow up nor can you speed the process—you’ve got to continue living your life.

Copa, I am heartbroken that your son has once again disrespected everything you’ve done for him.

I don’t blame you for wanting to have him arrested after assaulting M. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. It frustrates me when the police won’t act in a situation like this. What kind of message does that send to your son?

I know you know what to do but you’ve previously mentioned that you are unwilling or unable to detach for a significant period of time. And I know that your concern for his health has in the past caused you to make exceptions and let him back into your life against your better judgment.

I don’t think your son has hit rock bottom yet—he has had the convenience of being able to live in your other home and manages to return again and again, often breaking rules and disrespecting you and M. Perhaps you and he need a longer break. He needs to feel the uncomfortable consequences created by his behaviors, ie., no longer having the option of living in your home or having a relationship with you for awhile or maybe even being homeless.

We all know how hard it is to allow our children to suffer, but in my opinion, if they are not forced to face those consequences and dig themselves out of a mess they alone have created, they will never grow and change. It is so, so hard though.

Love, hugs and prayers, Helpless and Copa. We are here for you.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Helpless, Susie, ksm, Nandina, RN, Ms. Lulu, RB: Sorry to hijack your threat, Helpless. I just don't have the heart to create my own.

Thank you for caring. We're holding the line. He's been out in the cold for 3 nights. It's very, very cold here. Most of the nights he's sleeping in the bushes somewhere. He only has a hoody to wear. No coat. He could buy a coat for a few dollars at the thrift store. Why he doesn't I don't know. He calls us all through the night if we allow it, but now we're turning off the phone. And he has been squatting in the other yard, where M is, even though we've said no, don't go there. M says he is close to calling the police but I doubt it.

I am in contact with the Rescue Mission. They say that my son has not followed through in applying to get into sober living. They also said they've referred him to a program for homeless people, that would provide immediate housing and other services.

And yet, he prefers to suffer and torment us, why, I don't know.

It is just so heartbreaking. Prayers are needed. Thank you.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Helpless, I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances with your son. I too have relied on unreliable people in the past with dealing with my son. I did it because they were the only people around to rely on. Just as you I didn't know they were people who were trying to justify their own lack of stepping up to their own issues by attempting to rescue other people, young people. We do not live like that so we would not see it coming, it's a whole other world (dimension) than we live in. All you can do is learn from it, learn there are other adults who are just as messed up as our younger ones. All we can do is move forward with what we know is right after learning our lesson. As far as your son goes, I have experience to know he would have found a non-functioning adult to take him in eventually on his own anyway. It's what people who live the victim roll do. I pray he finds it within himself to respect himself enough to take on life, his life, and make things right for himself eventually down the road.
These are very rocky uncharted waters we work through. You have not capsized, just bumped and rolled around a bit. Hopefully the same for your son.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Copa and Helpless,

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Such suffering and heartache. What you're going through is exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically.

You are in my prayers.
 
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