Squatter update

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Many steps to an eviction. Too long to go into. They were served papers posted on the door towards the end of Dec. In three languages. They have to write a letter to the court and our attorney describing in detail why they think they have a right to be there within five business days.

Due to the fact that they committed a crime not too long ago and are out on bail, our attorney thinks there is a decent chance they won’t go forward.

We ALL think they are experts at this and actually normally would and appeal it too. But he says it’s been his experience that if they are currently in trouble with the law, they don’t like to go anywhere near a court house.

HOA president continues to express his anxiety.

Sadly they have extra days to illegally stay in the unit and write out such a letter due to the holidays.

Oddly, since they never had a key…if they leave and no one knows about it…the place will remain unlocked. So, measures will be taken to be alert…as best as we can.

Daughter continues to show no remorse. Is arguing with friend who tried to help her and she is staying with. But friend might be trying to take advantage of her a little. ??? Too much complication and drama.

Daughter traditionally gets extra moody and tends toward depression at the holidays. We’ve asked her repeatedly if she doesn’t want to see a therapist regularly, for the love of God please see one in the Fall amd continue through the holidays. Always a big NO.

Instead, fir decades, she is mean, sarcastic, cruel , moody and hurtful to us especially on Christmas. She is even jealous of the little grands. Toddlers behave more maturely. We have bent over backwards to help her and be kind to her especially at the holidays. We traditionally walk on egg shells. Been going on fir decades. Very difficult and stressful for each individual family member. DECADES.

She sent hubby HORRIBLE texts on this Xmas day. She wasn’t with us. So, she texted in !

However, we ignored them. And guess what?

We had a LOVELY Christmas Day . Everyone was relaxed, happy, kind, joyous … grateful. Omg. The kids super well behaved. And I received incredibly kind and loving texts from good friends. I had moments of sorrow of course, but the amount of peace, love and joy was so tremendous it filled my heart. It’s a big Wow!

Things are moving forward. Good thoughts and prayers very much appreciated.

Thank you all for your support.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Wow Nomad

You have come a long way!! I am so happy that you had a great Christmas Day!! That is amazing and good for you!!

I hope that this squatter situation is solved very soon for you. I do believe the worst is over; mainly the SHOCK that this can even happen.

If it is possible for you to write your daughter out of your life, I would do that. I don't know if this is an option for you.

Hugs.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
So glad that you were able to have a good Christmas.

You deserve it, and the experience may make it easier to act in your self-interest in the future. It doesn't mean you don't love your daughter, so the sorrow is bound to surface, but your own self-care is important.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
My own son can engage in similar behaviors as your daughter, Nomad. He can be momentarily vindictive and unwilling to see the consequences of his behaviors on others. But he gets over it. I think the ugliness of your daughter's behavior now, is because of her inherent limits in coping. She clearly was in over her head in the living situation. She could not handle that degree of freedom. And she clearly cannot handle accountability and taking responsibility for errors. Instead she is venomous. This is extremely self-defeating.

All of that said, I don't think she means to do wrong and I don't think she is a bad person. Like my own son, she's a limited person who can be extremely difficult to be around. My own son is actually quite likable, attractive and kind. But he has habits and limits, that for me are very difficult to handle. So I identify greatly with your situation.

But over the years that I have been on this forum, I have learned that I am the person who created most of the problems, by inserting myself into his life, by my expectations and by my refusal to accept him as we was. By that I mean, acceptance of reality, and that he has a right to be who he is. I do not mean that I have to tolerate who he is around me. That was the hardest thing to reconcile.

But eventually, I saw this as my problem and not his. For so many years I could not tolerate that I could not tolerate him. And I kept insisting that he change. Whether he could not change, or didn't want to change, who knows? But I accept now belatedly that the only change that I have control over is what I do and how I think. Duh.

I guess why I am writing this is that I think your daughter isn't deliberately being hurtful or difficult. I think that is just who she is. And that it is not only okay to distance yourself from somebody who is impossible, it is imperative, if that person makes you feel sick or get sick. Maybe the answer is to a much greater extent limit contact with her, and the help and support you give to her, and even to clearly tell her why. The only hope any of us has is to learn. I do believe my son is learning, little by little, that other people can't be expected to tolerate the way he lives and the way he behaves. That he has to change, at least a little bit, in order to be near his family. Not the other way around. It's a paradox. When I no longer wanted to be around him, he began to be a little bit more self-aware about the consequences of what he said and did.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
She is impossible. She tends to insult or hurt almost everyone eventually. She frustrates everyone. There are one or two people she tries her best with in terms of putting her best foot forward and to not overwhelm. But both have told me they are very much aware that she keeps things from them. Basically, lies. One I filled in on what’s happening and she was in shock. She confronted daughter and daughter was mean and irrational. The other, I chose not to tell her. Our daughter outright had just lied to her to explain away why she couldn’t mail something to her. I let it go. The young woman hinted she knew something was “up.” I said there has been a problem and at some point depending on what happens etc if she knows or senses it’s needed to tell her friend (our daughter) to consider something like a group home. She agreed.

We never have really thought of her as evil. She can be nice to people. The friend she is staying with had a death in her family and daughter got in a bus and stayed with her perhaps a week to help out.
But , friend called us to tell us that daughter had promised if she took her in to help with cleaning and childcare. Plus give her some money. Interestingly, she gave her the money…but would not do the other things promised. In fact, she was a slob and caused problems. The latest is daughter allegedly goes out first thing in morning and hangs out with new friends in the community and comes back at night and goes to sleep. Bottom line…she doesn’t like to be told what to do, she can be very frustrating and is profoundly ungrateful.

She takes zero responsibility fir any of her problems and blames us fir the great majority of them. She is very mean to us , particularly lately her father.

It’s shocking as literally everyone we know has said the same thing…the same verbage…you have gone above and beyond.

Yet she thinks we are mean to her, unhelpful etc and she is snarky, rude , sarcastic and un remorseful.

We gave up a lifetime essentially catering to her. Helping her. Decades. Trying every angle. I have moments I feel shell shocked.

by the way…she begged fir this move. Pushed us to hurry in the middle of a pandemic…we worked constantly and vigilantly . Exhausting. Both of us. And …there are shocking hints from the start she didn’t appreciate it.

We don’t wish any harm upon her, but feel her attitude alone will likely cause her much grief. Her lack of cause snd effect reasoning fir sure.

In a way, we were protecting her from herself. Helping her with almost everything. Reminding her to go to the doctor. Letting her call constantly. Moving her an hour away so she can easily come fir every holiday and she was doing that.

But she never appreciated it. In fact she resented it. And was getting more and more abusuve. But you can’t win with her. If you ask her to make her own decisions she gets mad. She is never satisfied.

We were going to keep on trying with more boundaries /assistance like a weekly social worker . But when she showed no remorse and was cruel to us …we were done.

Rebuilding and learning. No longer angry at God. This is the painful reality. I’m not meant to understand it. I can only accept it snd move forward. I don’t have a choice.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Nomad, I don't know what any of our kids are as far as diagnosis, but one thing is certain. The professionals failed them and us. Our pediatrician insisted Kay would outgrow her behaviors and catch up academically with her peers. Also Kay had to be carried by three if us to go to therapy and when with any therapist she went mute. Not one psychologist told us what could probably be wrong with her by her exaggerated facial expressions to them or her strange grunting noises she would make or by hiding in corners face to the wall while in their office. I don't think they wanted to deal with such a difficult child. They casually mentioned stuff like ADHD and autism but only offered pills. Kay would vomit up the pills.

Nobody mentioned reactive attachment disorder so we were reading books on ADHD and autism. Both fit a.little, but clearly there was more.

Kay couldn't be put into a car or taken to therapy by age 12. She was big. So that ended that

The best help she got was at a therapeutic boarding school but once she was released it all went down the tubes.

I am not sure to this day what is wrong with Kay but we both think Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and maybe fetal alcohol effects. How could.nobody tell us about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are not nice. Kay is not nice nor is she ever happy. Her only friend has ever been Lee. She is disconnected from everyone else. Everyone.

Our kids all have their issues but do we ever even know what they are? Do the doctors know?

Pfffft. I noticed a new post on the General Forum that is about another very disturbed adopted child. Mom doesn't seem to know the problem either.

One thing I learned. I don't think it's us at all. I think these kids are different due to other reasons. All of them were treated well by us. I think they came to us with serious

Letting Hod handle whatever is the problem is comforting. And acceptance came.late to me, but now that we have acceptance, it helps too.

Hugs.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Both you and Copa are correct. I dont think daughter can help much of what she does. There seems to be something akin to brain damage. AND something akin to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well. WTH? She has been to MANY doctors and I got a masters degree in a related field and WTH?????? Hello? Nobody suggested these things.

She was diagnosed as bipolar and ADHD in elementary school. Her therapist told us she has fairly good attachment. I was led to believe with medication and therapy bipolar could be treated.

Only in recent years did I realize that she wasn’t “being treated…” I have met folks with bipolar disorder over the years and many with help, can function well. Here she was getting soooo sooo much help but wasn’t doing well in the least. And she has a fairly high IQ.

And the last few years were stranger than ever. I think she hid a lot from us. And she was very nice to my husband and she took advantage of him like some sort of criminal.

I do believe there is a part of her that is for lack of a better word, entitled. A part not really trying. Maybe I should not concentrate on this small part…when we have mental illness and brain damage in the mix. I don't know.

Since this fiasco, we have seen a few times a therapist on line that we saw now and again in our former city who helped hubby and I keep it together.

One day, I somewhat embarrassingly almost turned on her. Therapists in general. Holy cow! Not appropriate. But, I feel let down. The real truth is she was the only therapist somewhat honest…

I don’t want to ever make anyone a scapegoat. Let’s start with therapists.

One day we thought we would go to family therapy with this same woman. I’m not sure she remembers it. I think so. It was eons ago. Son was 16 or 17. Normally he would recoil at such a thing at his age. He was up and ready to go. Couldn’t wait. He wanted help. But difficult daughter was angry and didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to talk about anything. We got there. And therapist asked daughter a question, she jumped up said something crappy and ran out the door into the streets. She was about 14. We guessed where she went as she knew someone in the general area. Therapist mumbled something about not being sure she could be saved. But never mentioned anything like that again.

Flash forward… as I was talking in these recent times …I felt my anger building up and out of my mouth i blurted something unkind about therapists not telling me the truth. I saw her recoil. Other than her mumble…years ago…and one other thing from a neuro…I’ll explain in a moment…that was the only truth I heard. BUT…bottom line it’s my fault , my responsibility for not seeing reality not hers.

The other thing…when she was 3 or 4, I took her to a neurologist. He implied she should be institutionalized because no marriage could survive this. He had no diagnosis. He said if this was adhd, it was by far the worst one he ever saw. He had no hope fir her future. I thought he was a bit nuts himself. NO he WAsN’T!

Thirty years later…the big mike drop. One tiny hint from the therapist (the mumble) and one huge one from the neurologist. But there were many other professionals and who saw her for relatively long periods of time. No one implied that this was not going to get better EVER or this was beyond bipolar.

Not accepting what is right in front of you is a bad idea. Did I think I was superwoman? Or a G-d? That I could get her to a better place if I just worked harder? How much sacrifice? It all? My husband and son? Future generations? What the hell was I doing?

Yes…acceptance came late to me too. Even though I have twinges of being mad at G-d, that has dissipated. Can you scapegoats G-d? Wow dumb. I accept the reality. I’m so grateful for all of you and do even wonder if you were sent to me for help. Thank you.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Nomad

Copa is spot on with her comments.

I know this is not addiction that you are dealing with but so many similarities. You have to accept what is.

With addiction it CAN change when the addict decides THEY want to change. With mental illness limitations I'm not sure that true CHANGE is even possible. I don't know that much about it but seems so.

Virtual hugs!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Oh. Some of the mentally ill can get better, even getting jobs and having families. We have medications and therapy (good therapy is no longer talking nonstop about your past, which is much of an improvement)...these newer therapies help some people greatly.

But some, maybe most...who knows, either truly don't know that they are sick, or refuse to admit it. Thought disorders require medications like anti psychotics to clear up the mind and soften the hallucinations. All anti- psychotic medication so far have some side effects. Certain people would rather be sick than suffer side effects.

Also therapy does help if you find one of the good psycholigists and are willing to work hard with the therapist. My husband and I struck gold. She used CBT with us....it still works!!! For us. BUT Kay would not consider seeing anyone nor admit something was wrong with her. She has never gone for help as an adult yet clearly she is sick. I do so much think that her primary diagnosis is RA,D. I have read on it so much...

However, I have not read about any truly encouraging methods to help Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Once it seems Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids were tortured! I cried when I read about old methods of treatment. It was hideous.

Fact is, psychiatry is still in its infancy. Nobody has nailed down what causes these illnesses. Theories are abundant but a theory is a guess. Everyone was excited about Freud. He was debunked. We are still struggling to understand and help, let alone cure.

Nomad, we did our best in a world that does not understand how the brain works. So how could we?

Hugs and love sent.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Nomad. Has the 5 days elapsed since when the notice was posted on the door in 3 languages? It seems like it has. Did they respond? Any news?
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Weekends don’t count and holidays don’t count and they get two extra days per holiday. Might even be more. In that county…a lot of days off. It just keeps getting weirder. It added up. It got pushed to 7 days from now.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Risoerdal was a good medication fir her. The side effects were super bad. Super duper. But I’m going to think about this.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
There is a little update. One can see how long this process is.

They did not write a letter by the due date. Our attorney said they wouldn’t. He said that when they are in trouble with the law, they never do.

Our attorney’s office prepared the paperwork one day ahead and sent it on immediately.

The clerks office has it. We are filing fir a default since they did not offer any explanation for why they think they have a right to be there. The clerk creates the new filing and what likely will happen next is he or she will take it before the judge, and request a signature and then send it to the Sheriff’s office.

We were told the time line is fickle. Might take longer than we would think. I’m hoping one week.

Hoa tells us it is now two couples living there with four additional people regularly going in and out. It’s almost certainly a drug den of sorts

Daughter put a deposit down on a trailer etc and is staying there. She says she is sleeping on the floor. We show no emotion or care…because we are done. She is starting to see it. I think. Don’t care.

She went to the unit (our unit…her former place now under siege due to her horrific choices) yesterday in an attempt to get more clothes and discovered the front door handle was missing and hot glue was placed in the key deadlocks. You now can’t get in even with a key. There is a thumb screw mechanism in back door. She believes that must be how they go in and out with someone staying in the unit at all times to let a person in. HOA president agreed. She called the police to ask for an escort to go in to get more clothes. They said no. They said she needs the formal eviction.

We need to double triple check with the sheriff’s office when they will be coming as we want to be there for the eviction that looks like will be triggered via default and relatively soon.

Hubby is going to try to hire a locksmith to remove the locks.(at times of eviction with police presence to let them in). Snd bring his own drill if locksmith doesn’t show up. And if this isn’t acceptable, we want to give them permission to do whatever they want including knocking the door down to get in there. At first we thought fir sure they would leave. But now we think they are going to stay and cut it close. Perhaps too close and it could get ugly.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
See above. Fingers crossed eviction might be in a week. We understand there is some chance they might stay there. Surprising. The sheriff might have to knock the door down. I hope not. But it’s looking kinda concerning.

Daughter is renting a trailer in a trailer park. She has little clothes and no furniture. She finally apologized. I don’t even know what husband replied to her.

No words.

Really liking our support group.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
But now we think they are going to stay and cut it close. Perhaps too close and it could get ugly.

If there is a confrontation it will be between these horrible people and the sheriff, no? What do you care if it gets ugly, unless they decide to further trash the place...but couldn't that backfire on them? After all, even though they have possession it's not their place, nor their stuff?

Anyway it's nearing an end.

I feel sad for you and your husband and your daughter, that all of this responsibility and love, has come to this. Maybe in the long run, she will learn something from this.

Thank you for the update on this horror story. I am so sorry Nomad. I hope your health is better. I am so glad for you that the eviction will be so and so glad that their was no challenge on their part.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Wow

When they say that truth is stranger than fiction, they must be talking about this story!

I cannot even believe these people hold the cards. My husband would probably blow the whole place up. Seriously though I cannot imagine what my husband would do to handle this.

It makes me so very angry that they are doing this that I'd just want to do something crazy!! I'm glad you are keeping your wits about you.....
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Barely.
My good friend, told me she would have a nervous breakdown with both if these things going on at the same time.

No lie…I almost fainted right after it happened going to the store. And NYE, my hands were shaking due to the potential destruction in the place of these drug addicts decided to celebrate

Meanwhile…daughter is alienating everyone and blaming husband. Sending nasty texts to him. She won’t take an ounce of personal responsibility.

We think it was immoral (at the very least) for the adoption agency to not tell us that father snd BOTH sides of bio family has /have many cases of bipolar disorder and that birthmother was /is EXTREMELY mentally ill with schizophrenia and wanders the streets. We had no idea.
 

Newksm

New Member
Them not telling you seems cruel and criminal. Even under the best of circumstances children have lasting effects from separation and adoption... even at young ages.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
And I was adopting due to health issues. They knew that. And we didn’t have extended famiky to help in a health emergency. It was hexx.
 
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