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Step mom to 14 year old boy with O D D

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jazmine1984, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. Jazmine1984

    Jazmine1984 New Member

    I have been married for 4 years I had a constant battle with my sep son who is 14 about to be 15 just found out from his mother he has O D D WHICH SHE NEW SINCE HE WAS FOUR but only now telling us .his dad doesnt discipline him he just blows it off because I don't think he really knows what to do either it is so hard to know what to do when the other parent isn't helping and I have three other kids to deal with help I'm so lost
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Jasmine

    Blended families are hard on everybody. There are so many issues that you raise here that are difficult: that the mother does not share information; that your husband blows off the issues of his son; that you have to take responsibility for a child with problems, where you don't have the same degree of control that do his parents; that your kids and you have got to deal with the result of all of this.

    Where to start?

    I think that I would start with communicating directly with husband. Except if he is prone to not want to deal with things directly, he may not want to work with you to confront the problem. So there is that.

    If that is the case, I would recommend either Al Anon or counseling, for you, and/or marital counselling for the two of you. You would be getting help for all of you: for this child who needs the support of his parents, for you, for your husband and for the kids. That you are feeling as you are, means that the rest of the family is likely feeling it too. Maybe most of all, your poor stepson who may be giving voice to family dynamics of which he is a victim.

    You can't control anybody else. But you can increase your own power and ability to advocate for yourself, your kids and this child, so that his parents step up to help him to suffer less and to set limits on how his behavior affects others. Ultimately, you cannot make anybody do the right thing. But we can get strong enough to voice what we need, (and what our kids need too, who are dependent on us as advocates) and to insist that we get it.

    I feel compassion for your stepson.

    PS Although An Anon is for family members of Alcohoics, in reality anybody can go to open meetings and the process is very helpful for family members who come to this site.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Is your step son seeing a professional for his ODD? Can you and your husband be part of his therapy? Ideally, it would be wonderful if all the parents could set aside their differences and work as a team, with and for the teen.

    Does he split the time between both parents? Are the other children his biological siblings or step siblings? Are they younger snd intimidated by him?

    You are in a difficult position. You must some how come across as really wanting to get this young man help (or phrase it..."I need help" to learn how to best respond to him). Anything but..."I can't stand it any longer!" Lol. I've felt that way!

    I guess how you react is based on how safe you and the other children feel. There is irritating, then there is scary!!

    I go to Al-Anon. I started because my youngest DGD had/has addiction issues. But, the meetings help me with older DGD (we adopted both) with her ODD, now bipolar diagnosis.

    Ksm
     
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  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Jaz

    You don’t have a step-son problem, first and foremost; you have a husband problem.

    You need to get everyone into counseling—couples counseling, family counseling, 14 year old son counseling, parenting classes.

    Dad is shirking his responsibility to this boy and to the family, and there is no way that you can parent this child without him. He isn’t your son and I doubt he will take direction from you.

    You need to get some guidance and present a united front, for the sake of all the kids and the marriage.
     
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  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well Said, AppleCori!

    The son has behavioral issues, of course. Wouldn't you if your mother never bothered to get any help for you for a medical condition? I would.

    Time to sit Hubby down and tell him that he MUST start parenting. Get whatever books/classes you can and drag Dad to therapy first thing.

    Remember that you have responsibilities to the other 3 kids and even if they are not getting into trouble, they still need consistent parenting. It won't be an easy road for you, but we are here for you!