Stuck In The Past

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Before my current marriage I was in a long term relationship with the person who I would call the love of my life.

After eleven years together, she left me. I am realizing that I have been a shell of myself since. I have still not gotten over this loss and the pain from this failed relationship is a big part of why I am with my current spouse.

The end of this relationship seemed abrupt but in retrospect was a long time coming. We had many issues. I learned that while it takes two to make a relationship work, it only takes one to end it. I was willing to put in the work - my ex was not.

My ex is remarried now. I am not in contact with her, and I do not wish to be. She became a stranger and she has not been the person I fell in love with for many years - she stopped being that person even while we were still together.

I met my current wife only a couple of weeks after the final split from my ex. My new marriage is primarily my way of avoiding dealing with the devastation of having been abandoned by the one person I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.

I am realizing that all of the drama has been a distraction from my heartbreak.

I do not know whether my current marriage will continue. I have written here of all the problems, some related to the children, others not.

I do know that I am not over my grief and that I need to find a way to finally accept this loss and move on.

 

[BusynMember]

I am sorry for your pain. Have you tried therapy?

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Yes, I've been in therapy. I am thinking some CODA meetings might be called for.

 

[Lil]

You sound so troubled; I'm sorry for it. If you have been in therapy...are you currently and, more importantly, did you discuss THIS issue? Because you DO need to deal with the loss of your first relationship to move forward. If nothing else - Please don't be offended here, I mean this in the most loving way - it seems terribly unfair to your current wife that you are grieving "the love of your life", while married to her.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Very difficult, honest, profound realizations BBU.....My perspective on your situation, based of course, on my own belief system, is that you've had a deep opening of truth here......which for me, is a gift, a blessing......not one which feels wonderful, but one which offers great insight and now that you are aware of this, you can heal it, change it, fix it, make different choices.

It is unfortunate that as Lil mentioned, you're grieving while married now......however, don't beat yourself up about that.....I believe many of us get involved on the rebound.....there are even books on "transitional" relationships....often it is out of our awareness at the time, we are 'reacting' to loss we aren't prepared to feel quite yet. Many, many years after I divorced my daughter's Dad, I became aware that I married him on the rebound after a long term relationship ended with a young man I believed at the time to be the "love of my life." It was an eye opener to say the least, but it started to clear up a lot I hadn't realized before.

I believe we often get into relationships to heal.....there are so many reasons people connect, it isn't always about love and forever......you've been an enormous support to your present wife through likely one of the worst experiences of her life....your connection with her has likely offered both of you opportunities for growth and learning....I look at life that way.......lessons to learn for our awareness, growth, healing and consciousness. Don't bother with self judgment, look for the lesson.

I commend you for not only having this insight, but in honestly sharing it with us. Your honesty with yourself and us will begin the healing/grieving process.......wherever it leads you. It's painful to have these realizations.....be very kind to yourself....nourish yourself....keep yourself well supported.....

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thank you for the replies - RE I agree with you on all counts. I think each relationship is its own unique ecosystem. My current marriage is deeply troubled, that's no secret. I bring my part which is largely this. My wife brings her part which is her own to manage.

I do believe that truth sets us all free eventually.

 

[recoveringenabler]

BBU I just recalled how a friend of mine described that kind of "ah ha" realization, he called it a "truth grenade." That image was pretty clear to me.....seeing that grenade go off and blowing up my former beliefs or understanding or issue so that I would have the potential of now seeing the buried truth ........and deal with it. Those truth grenades are tough, but as you said, the truth will set you free. I believe that too.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi BBU,

I had this same conundrum once. I think many of us do.

I was in a relationship, and I started pining for and idealized my previous boyfriend.

I ended up going back to him, and realized that it wasn’t really him I was wanting, after all. What I was idolizing about that relationship was what was actually missing in that other relationship. Going back wasn’t the answer. Neither was going forward with the relationship that was missing what I considered to be important.

At first, that guy was the love of my life. Now that I have actually found the love of my life, I no longer think that about the previous one.

Come join us in our silly watercooler question conversations! They are fun, and we really need more participants! It’s a nice diversion from our work tasks.

 

[AppleCori]

OK, it was the s*x.

Well, mostly.

It was other things, too, but the s*x....

No, no, I’m just kidding.

Or am I.......