Substance abuse

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Terri Lynn, May 3, 2019.

  1. Terri Lynn

    Terri Lynn New Member

    Our adult son moved back in a year ago. We know he smokes weed (vaping) but are unsure what else he does. Have asked but he won't divulge the other substance. Reason I am writing is because, he lost his job in February (company filed for bankruptcy and closed the stores) and has not been 'successful' finding a new job. We work M-F 630-530. He is home. He has our only granddaughter, age 6, and is her main caregiver. Things have been disappearing and our bank accounts have been compromised. We have locked all important papers etc up, have locks on our bedroom, our office, and just installed ring cameras. We are at a loss....if it was just him we would kick him out but he has our granddaughter.
    Any one have any suggestions?
    When confronted about the missing things he makes light of it...'well, you don't use it any way' or regarding bank accounts....'I have no idea what you are talking about'. The money is obviously going to buy whatever substance he is using as we supply the food etc.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. I'm sorry that you had to find us but glad that you did. First of all, I think he is definitely doing more than smoking weed. He needs money for something and if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and acts like its a duck, its a duck.

    Ordinarily, I would say to kick him out but I have never had to deal with a situation that includes a grandchild. I have to wonder, though, how good of care he is providing for his daughter if he is getting high when you are not there. Not to mention the example he is setting if she sees him doing it.

    Also, you have every right to live in a home where your things are safe. You shouldn't have to live with locks on your bedroom. I know because I did the same thing and it takes a toll. Looking back, I can't believe I ever lived that way.

    But, again, my daughter did not have any children so that was not a factor in our decision to make her leave.

    Others will be along who may have dealt with this situation with advice. In the meantime . . .


  3. Terri Lynn

    Terri Lynn New Member

    Thank you Kathy! He is actually a GREAT dad and she loves him to pieces. His smoking is usually at night when she is asleep.
    We have a daughter, 30 years old, college graduate and is now in the US Coast Guard and is great.
    Our son is an amazing young man other than these faults-he is very loving and caring just not very motivated which drives us crazy.
    My husband and I have been married for 33 years. I am a nurse, he is a compliance officer.
    Hope to hear from others.....
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Can you get legal custody of her? He is not even self sufficient. He is stealing from you. I know how bad that feels and is.

    I have a daughter like him although she could never live with us. She too has a child and the baby's father's parents are younger than us and hoping one day to get custody.

    My daughter and her husband argue, slap each other and smoke pot every day and blow that smoke in the grandson's face. They dont care if he inhales it and says its a healthy plant. They wont vacvinate him.

    With no experience, my average student daughter will homeschool him because vaccines to them cause autism and cancer and other neurological illnesses. I worry so.

    The father does have a job now, even though he tends to quit them. Then he begs his parents for money, the only time he talks to them and so far they have done it. We used to but ran out of money. Very little left for our impending retirement.

    Lee has stolen from them and us too. Pot also costs money. Plus they are always broke. I am so worried. I feel for you. I get it.
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sure your son is an amazing young man when he is not using drugs. Amazing young men don't steal from their parents. I always used to say that the drugs had kidnapped my daughter. Luckily, once she got sober the wonderful young woman she was inside came back to us.

    I can't think of any other reason an amazing young man would steal from his parents other than using drugs. I think you have to face facts here and act accordingly.

    Is there a possibility that you can tell him that he has x number of days to get a job and his own place? Could you take care of your granddaughter until your son has a job and a place to live?

    Living like you are is not sustainable or healthy for you or your husband.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry you find yourself in this difficult circumstance. I am not implying that you should or should not report this to the police. But this is the reality of things: Depending upon the quantity of money and the value of the disappearing things, this could be a serious felony warranting a prison sentence. That you are his parents, does not nullify the wrong in this.
    Perhaps he was embarrassed,but still. This is insolent. But more than this, he is minimizing and denying his criminal misconduct.
    You are over a barrel.

    What do you do? Overlook his serious drug use and his robberies of your money and stuff? Overlook that he has a serious drug habit, and any expenses you cover for hood, housing, only gives him more money to use to subsidize it? Overlook that he is slowly falling and falling, in your house, with your support, and where will this end? Overlook that as long as the status quo remains the same, there is little chance that he will take steps to face himself and his conduct?

    I don't know the right thing to do. I am dealing with a similar situation. I vacillate.
    Your son (and mine) have become the drug. The drug is calling the shots.

    I am suggesting that you (and I) suffer from trying to make sense of that which is basically impossible to reconcile. Drug addicts are not amazing. They are drug addicts. This is the elephant in the living room. Do we walk around it, ignoring it is there, or do we face it?

    You do have the option of confronting your son, with the proposition that he enter residential drug treatment, and take responsibility for what's missing. This is the middle ground. He can choose, or not, whether to leave, and how. You don't have to throw him out. You can offer to care for your granddaughter while he recovers. He can recover. That's the bottom line. But will he recover when there is no incentive to do so? I don't know.

    The risk is that if he leaves, this becomes worse. But then, it could worsen with him at home. This is what i deal with. I live with the reality that my chronically ill son is homeless, and I have acted to make him so, because I would not tolerate the way he lives when he is with me. Was I wrong or right? I don't know.

    I am very, very sorry that you are in the situation you find yourself. I think I know how hard is your situation. In my own life, I am not strong. When I write here I can channel a voice that is difficult for me to find, in real life. But I believe what I right is true.

    I write it for myself as much as for you. My son is highly vulnerable. And I would want to protect him. But how?

    I hope you keep posting.

    You matter. You should not be in this situation. Your child should not be a perpetrator in your home. If this comes to be, I need to confront it.
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Have you reported the missing funds to the bank? The police? If you have online banking, and have electronics you use to access it, he could be doing it that way.

    Find out the date and time of the missing funds and see if it's when he's home alone. Change passwords, or delete online accounts. Ir, could he be going to the bank to get funds some how? They would probably have surveillance videos.

    Good luck! Ksm
  8. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I went through a similar situation with my daughter. Although she didn't steal from me she was unable to abide by my rules in my home. So I kicked her out with her toddler daughter. It was as hard as it sounds, but I would do it again. When my daughter lived in my house she had to be employed (I gave her 2 weeks to find ANY job), pay 30% of her income towards household expenses, and various other basic rules that normal people live by. She has always had jobs (even if she got fired she found another one immediately) but couldn't follow the other rules, so she was out. I had written out the rules when she came back to my house, discussed them with her and had her sign them. No second chances. In my experience, and it seems the same for most here, these adult children are masters at manipulation and pushing the limits. They will push as far as you let them. You have to create and enforce strict boundaries with them. If I were you I would do what I did and write out a list of rules/expectations your son much abide by. I would definitely lay out a timeline for getting a job and how much he must contribute to your household. Go over everything with him and have him sign it. Let him know there are no second chances. I would also write up a bill for what he owes for the items/money he has taken and figure out a payment plan for him. Again, hold him to it.

    My daughter floundered for a few years after I put her out and it was hard to see with my granddaughter in the mix. But when she got tired of it she got herself relatively stable. She's maintained the same job and housing for the last 5 years. This year she enrolled herself in community college and made the dean's list. I definitely recognize and reward those things. But I am careful to always maintain my boundaries with her. I am very close to my granddaughter and spend a lot of time with her, always have. I know it is scary and hard, but you have to focus on yourselves and not allowing your son to take advantage of you. He's an adult and he needs to act like one. He pays the consequences or reaps the benefits from his behavior. Sending peace to you.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    You have already gotten great advice here. I do agree with the others. Your son is failing as an adult while he lives in your home.

    Obviously he does have a drug problem that you are aware of. I don't want to alarm you but you need to realize what is going on in your own home. You are being held hostage. I do think it is more than marijuana.

    Don't be like me and think that my son "isn't that bad" and these people "deal with much worse situations" and are jaded. Your situation is very bad and I would not live like that. I lived like that too for some time.

    Of course, we did not have a grandchild but that makes the situation even more critical if you ask me. Most of our children are very wonderful and kind without drug use.

    Where is the little girl's mother? Can the other set of grandparents step in and help out so your son can get the help he needs?
  10. Terri Lynn

    Terri Lynn New Member

    Thank you all for the advise. To answer a couple of your mama works and lives on her own but is more a 'friend' to her daughter than a mom. Last year, pre-K, the school had to call my son when she was picking her up as they had never met mom and had no idea who she was....and that is just one instance.
    We have reported the missing money to the police, they do on-line reports and those are submitted to the bank. The bank is aware.
    The ring cameras are up and it is actually something we have been wanting to do for a while as we are gone from the house 10 hours everyday and go out of town frequently.
    We have confronted him about other drug use other than weed and he denies it (of course). We have taken a family vacation with our Coast Guard daughter and him, he stays in the hotel room with her and we have asked her...did you see him doing anything? She said only the pot vaping. I wish I could get a sample of urine and have it drug tested.....
    We will forge onward.....