Sunday

newstart

Well-Known Member
My daughter came over today. She seems to want to spend Sunday afternoons with us. I hugged her and she hugged me back. She looked good and lost a few pounds.. I looked straight into her eyes and they looked clear and like she was having a more balanced day. I could tell in her tone and body language that she actually wanted to spend time with us. One of the main reasons I have such a hard time with her is because I can see the good side of her and I enjoy it and then when she flips I get so frustrated because I want the bad side to go away forever. I am working at knowing she has both sides and for me to not get so upset when the ugly side rears its head. I keep thinking that she is so close to age 40 that the mature part needs to kick in any moment and when she back slides I get so impatient.
Even though we had a nice day today does not mean tomorrow will be nice. When my daughter begins her backwards slide, I feel like punching her in the nose as hard as I can because of all the damage she leaves behind in all areas of her life. This is the part I am working on, when she starts to slide backwards I stand back and give her tons of space. The problem is that people that are close to her will notice this backwards slide and start calling me because the are worried about her. I want to get away from it but when I step back others call me concerned, wanting me to do something about it. Another reason I get so mad when the backwards slide happens is because my phone will be ringing. I tell them to take it up with her and I have done all I can to help her. I guess her behavior gets so out of whack that they feel it is their duty as decent humans to call me to see what I can do about it. When I tell people that I have done all and more to help her they always say 'There has to be something else you can do'. When I say I have gone beyond the call of duty to help her I mean it. I also tell people, I am working at letting go and letting God.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi there. I am sorry about the calls. I used to get them too.

I finally told everyone very firmly that I don't want to know. If they continued to call, I repeated it. There were a few who tried to shame me, but that was their problem if they did not understand. I was in therapy and I knew there was nothing I could or should do.

You could try what I did. Some people I felt were trying only to guilt me and I eventually came to feel that they were the ones who were wrong. After that I was able to be more firm. The other ones I just told to help if they wanted to help Kay, but that we were not anymore. I felt guilty and bad sometimes but the calls came less often and my husband and I became more at peace.

Kay is still in Arizona, per a cousin who is friends with her on FB. She never calls Amy to ask about Jaden. Her husband works fast food part time. They trash talk us on FB a lot but we will not look.

Prayers and love. Stay well.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Hi BusynMember, I am glad Jaden is doing ok and it is very sad that his mother or father do not even call to check on him. Truly sad but in reality it is better for all involved.

I have been telling people that I have done all I can do but my daughter has hid the dirty side from some people and when she turns manic, it is frightening like they have set face to face with the devil. Even though I love my daughter dearly and know she is capable of great destruction, her deeply ugly side affects me like I have been in the presence of the devil. So in a way I understand how deeply freaked out my daughters friends are who have not yet experience this evil side. I know they call me out of concern and do not know what else to do and some of them genuinely love her they just have not experience her deeply nasty side.
Last Sunday when she came over she brought back the bag of meat she took. In the past, when she steals something from me, she has tried to return it after her mania subsides.
I have noticed that when my daughter swims and does water aerobics it helps keep her mania beat down.
I just pray that things stay a bit balanced, for me and for you and for all of us.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I keep thinking that she is so close to age 40 that the mature part needs to kick in any moment and when she back slides I get so impatient.
Dear newstart: I am sorry this is so hard. It's hard for me too. I can't remember if your daughter takes medication for her bipolar. Frequently people with this disorder resist medication because they like the mania. But still, many, many people are medication complaint.

The thing is, like my son, she is mentally ill. While I can't accept that my son won't mature and change I know in my heart that mental illness requires treatment. The behaviors won't go away without treatment. But, like you, I have no control to make anything happen. My son does only what he wants. He won't listen to me.

That said, I feel quite certain there must be a lot of information available on the internet for families of bipolar people. There must be counsel available about how to encourage treatment compliance.

But the thing is, it's back to you. Unless she takes medication and gets treatment, she will keep on this way, and it will keep being extraordinarily difficult and painful for you, just as it is for me, with my son.

We are in the same spot. We love them. But we can't stand how they live. We can't accept yet the reality of the situation we are in. We want them to change, even though we have no control to make them change. We want them to deal constructively with their problems, when their non-compliance, and lack of motivation may be factors or characteristics or symptoms of their mental illness.

What I am writing is that the ball is in our court. The changing will have to come from us. As for me, I am gradually coming to see that reality. The thing that has me stuck is the acceptance part. I cannot accept that for the rest of my life, and afterwards, my son will be more or less the same as he is now. I can't accept the pain of it. And the loss of it. I don't know why I fight it so. Love.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
The thing that has be stuck is the acceptance part. I cannot accept that for the rest of my life, and afterwards, my son will be more or less the same as he is now. I can't accept the pain of it. And the loss of it. I don't know why I fight
This is exactly how I feel, Copa. I understand that I cannot change him, that the change must be driven by him. Accepting that he might never change is very hard. I’m heat sore every day. I try not to be consumed by this pain, and I am much better than I was when I first came here. But I’m not okay. Not really. I’m not sure if I ever will be. Still, there are good days and good things in life. I think the trick is focus on these as much as possible.

Newstart, sending you love. I can hear your pain and I sympathise.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Dear Newstart

I'm so sorry for this vortex that you are living in.

I think that you must let go of these people that call you when you back away from your daughter. You do not live for them, you do not owe them any explanation of anything that you choose to do! You do not answer to them.

I worry about what other people think too, trust me I do, BUT I am getting better at it and in this situation you must let that go and focus on what is healthy for you! What makes you feel good and content! No one else matters.

Turn it over to God and know that he will work for you. I recently learned that we pray and pray but sometimes we have to be silent and listen to what he is trying to tell us. I am not good at that but am trying.

:staystrong:
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Dear newstart: I am sorry this is so hard. It's hard for me too. I can't remember if your daughter takes medication for her bipolar. Frequently people with this disorder resist medication because they like the mania. But still, many, many people are medication complaint.

The thing is, like my son, she is mentally ill. While I can't accept that my son won't mature and change I know in my heart that mental illness requires treatment. The behaviors won't go away without treatment. But, like you, I have no control to make anything happen. My son does only what he wants. He won't listen to me.

That said, I feel quite certain there must be a lot of information available on the internet for families of bipolar people. There must be counsel available about how to encourage treatment compliance.

But the thing is, it's back to you. Unless she takes medication and gets treatment, she will keep on this way, and it will keep being extraordinarily difficult and painful for you, just as it is for me, with my son.

We are in the same spot. We love them. But we can't stand how they live. We can't accept yet the reality of the situation we are in. We want them to change, even though we have no control to make them change. We want them to deal constructively with their problems, when their non-compliance, and lack of motivation may be factors or characteristics or symptoms of their mental illness.

What I am writing is that the ball is in our court. The changing will have to come from us. As for me, I am gradually coming to see that reality. The thing that has me stuck is the acceptance part. I cannot accept that for the rest of my life, and afterwards, my son will be more or less the same as he is now. I can't accept the pain of it. And the loss of it. I don't know why I fight it so. Love.
Hi Copa, My daughter will not take medication. I have bought her medication with her promise to take it but she does not. I cannot tell you the amount of money I have wasted. She has pretended to take it and then when I count the pills and look at her behavior I can see she has not. The words' It is what it is' has strong meaning for me. I raised both kids very organic, she thinks these drugs are bad for her. I don't think she drinks alcohol for this reason too. I hear what you are saying clearly and I agree 100%. Love back to you.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Dear Newstart

I'm so sorry for this vortex that you are living in.

I think that you must let go of these people that call you when you back away from your daughter. You do not live for them, you do not owe them any explanation of anything that you choose to do! You do not answer to them.

I worry about what other people think too, trust me I do, BUT I am getting better at it and in this situation you must let that go and focus on what is healthy for you! What makes you feel good and content! No one else matters.

Turn it over to God and know that he will work for you. I recently learned that we pray and pray but sometimes we have to be silent and listen to what he is trying to tell us. I am not good at that but am trying.

:staystrong:
Hi RN, I try to listen to God's voice each time I wake up. I listen and then say a prayer of gratitude that I got to wake up. When my daughters close friends call me I feel so deeply sorry for them because if you have never seen a manic side of someone it is truly shocking. I have been my daughter's mother for 38.5 years and her awful mania affects me to the soul. The amount of energy she puts into destroying in beyond belief and the person on the receiving end usually suffers from PTSD unless they get counseling or talk with someone that can try to explain demonic behavior. I have seen people turn grey/white when around her mania and I have seen grown men cry like babies, coming over to my living room in total shock. I remember being around my bipolar mother in law when she turned, and it was the first time for me to experience that, I went into shock and did not know what to do. I was only 18 and was taught to be very respectful to my elders. I kept asking what I was doing that was so wrong, to where they had to treat me so horrific, and the answers were so stupid that they only had to come from the devil. So I know what it is like to be close and love someone until they take that wicked turn. Sometimes I am afraid that if she does that to someone that is not stable they will end their life. There are many levels of mean and I think she has hit the highest level. Things are better between us now but last August I thought I was done with her for good.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
In some ways it reminds me of my son on drugs. I knew when nothing made sense that he was using.

Similar to your situation. You are dealing with mental illness so nothing makes sense.

I'm sorry.
 
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