Super meeting part 3

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Feb 11, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I could not sleep last night. Up since 2 A.M. from the frustration from 35 year old troubled daughter.
    My husband is home. I asked him to have a meeting with me and daughter. For some reason my words go in one ear and out the other. Huband is not feeling so well but tells me he will have the meeting. Daughter comes over, late again, a habit that drives me crazy. I tell her 'there is not five 10 o'clocks there is one ten o'clock. My daughter was always on time and on the early side until she got with her 1/2 ass boyfriend.
    1/2 ass boyfriend and her were suppose to go to a couples retreat, she was dressed and ready, he said he was 5 minutes from the house and came 2 1/2 hours later. Daughter was upset but that is normal for him.
    We had the meeting with husband. He did not leave one stone unturned. He was straight forward, blunt and to the point. He layed out a plan for her and told her what she will be doing.
    He also said that the house is our property and her 1/2 ass boyfriend is not welcome and if he comes over it is tresspassing and we will call the cops.
    He made her give passwords and codes to her bills to make sure we know if she is paying them. He said if you do not have car insurance right now I am keeping the car and taking you home. We got the pass words to just the bills with our name on them. The rest I will not worry about. I gave her the address to the storage place that I will be putting her things in if she does not get with the program and if we see 1/2 ass boyfriend over there.
    Of course she cried her eyes out but did not argue back or be belligerent. She just said she was working on it. I know she listens to her dad twice as much as me. I am DONE with this latest crazy drama. I told her I will never get use to her awful behavior. Recoveringenabler posted a brilliant post that I used with her and read it twice to her 'We have become accustomed to bizarre,destructive, non sensical, lying, manlputative behaviors, by allowing it we take it in and send the message that it is ok. It is NOT ok, we will not allow it. I think she got it.. Hopefully. I added up her latest set of late fees $150 worth. THAT IS CRAZY. One of my friends has late fees all the time. I could not live like that. It would be too stressful.

    At least the deep agony has lessened. I know this is not the end but getting so close to removing my name with hers and with it will go a lot of stress.
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  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. I couldn't read your post fast enough to see what happened! I am impressed with your commitment newstart, really.... good for you. You gathered all your tools and all your resolve and you and your husband stated the new rules. You've set the strong boundaries and now you can take a breath......and acknowledge all you've done.....and take some time to just've done so much already......celebrate your new strengths and your new willingness to take back your life and find your peace. Good job.
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you so much recoveringenabler.. You have been so supportive and such a strong force to help guide me forwards. The boundries are put into place. My husband was firm, strong, and made it crystal clear that she has done us sh*** and that there will be a high price to pay for that kind of reckless behavior. When he talked about the 1/2 ass boyfriend he made it crystal clear that he is not welcome in the home we own. I found out recently that 1/2 boyfriend shaved his dog and gave him a bath in my daughters whirlpool tub. It is a deluxe tub with strong jets, I cringed knowing the dog hair could possibly clog the pipes up. I know the police officer in the sub division and I will be talking to him asking him to keep an eye out for the 1/2 ass boyfriends car and if he sees it to call me, I have to idea about tresspassing laws but will be learning a lot in the next few days about it.
    Thank you for the fabulous support to get my butt in gear. No way can I relax for a while, my daughter seems to thrive in crisis mode, and the further away from being financially tied to her the better we will be. She drains me mentally, financially, emotionally, spiritually. I am now working on the finance part and after that things will fall into proper place.:angel:
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Sounds like a good meeting
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Tired mama, It was a successful meeting as far as all 3 of us getting on the same page and my husband telling her what needs to be done. I have had my daughter to so many therapists that I cannot even count how many. She has been diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and one therapist told me she was a psychopath. She also has some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). At this point I do not know exactly what her disorder is but it is awful. Many times I feel deep disgust around her, I am taking that disgust and moving it towards getting financially out from under her and working towards the ultimate goal of detaching lovingly.
    Meaning of detachment-unfasten,disconnect, disengage, separate, uncouple,unhitch, unhook, cut off, break off. This year all of my name will be off of her accounts except the house and it will be paid off in 9 years. I have odd feelings about still being financially connected to her for 9 more years. UGH.
    How can a person be highly intelligent and not figure out their finances.???? I know other people like this, well educated people that can not make it work. I have always known that it is best to live below your means and save up for the unexpected. My dad was very financially stable but my mother was a lot like my daughter, did not have a good sense on how money worked.
    I have to mention that my daughter has gone to Dave Ramsey courses and has studied finances in college. We have gone to other classes on how to manage money.
    Everyone that knows her tells me she is not on drugs but her mania and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) sure do make her act like it. Some of you are probably thinking that I am in denial but I grew up around kids that were drinking and drugging. I smoked pot in the 70s, I quickly quit because my appetite was out of control and I broke out with pimples each time I smoked it. My sister use to tell me that she knew when I smoked pot because my face was pimply. I had friends that died from ODs, I have seen people shoot drugs, snort them etc so I am not blind to the drug culture.If I suspect someone is dabbling in drugs I cut all ties. I truly do not believe she does drugs or alcohol but her mania is like the worst acid trip.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Geesh you have to wonder where they got the money for the couples retreat?? That can't be cheap can it?

    I'm glad you let your husband take over.

    My husband also does not have filters and he tells our son like it is and I wince at times but that is his personality. I have had people tell me that they appreciate that, they always know where they stand with him. So let it be.

    I so do hope that you distance yourself from her madness so she learns to stand on her own two feet. I just can't imagine dealing with that daily. UGH.

    It seems like you are moving in the right direction!
  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi R0441, I think my daughter and 1/2 boyfriend were suppose to go to a free Church retreat. Several area churches put them on.
    I noticed yesterday when my husband was talking to our daughter they came to a deep understanding about things. My husband completely forgave her. I have to remind him that just because she nods and acts like she is going to move forward does not mean she will. She just ripped us off a huge amount of money. Is she capable of doing it again? I will not be taking that chance. My husband told my daughter some things yesterday and I have to remind him that if she is not manic she is ok but with her mania she is a psychopath and will use any information that we give her against us.
    I would love to forgive her completely but I can't because this is not my first awful rodeo with her. She can do some very horrible things. I know I can't stop her but I do have control over our finances and time spent around her. The emotional turmoil is too much for me anymore. I am totally wore out and wiped out from this latest abuse. When I stop the financial bleeding for good I can have more peace and when I let go of all the other BS that she drags us into my life will feel more like my life.

    Just because there is a window of peace right now does not mean it will be there tomorrow. I know I am dealing with a person that does not have my best interest in mind. I know I am dealing with someone that truly does not care while she is manic. She does have a sweet side and she shows that sweet side enough to string me along and play with my emotions.
    I know how peaceful my life became almost immediately after cutting my bipolar in laws out of my life, it was immediately. Detaching does take time and work. Glad your husband does not have filters, it seem to get stuff done faster.
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow what a meeting. I agree it is time to step back and observe and not absolve. Actions speak far louder than words and dont we all know it.

    Stand strong mama well done!
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  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I applaud you for bringing your husband in to help with your daughter and this financial disaster. It would be an EXCELLENT idea to have a WRITTEN list of the things that you are demanding of your daughter. Keep one saved in your phone, keep one by your home phone. Keep one in your records, and anywhere else it will remind you of what the boundaries are.

    I think you have a tendency to let her slide, or to accept her excuses for not doing what she is supposed to have done. You want her to live a responsible life so much and if she tells you that she knows she did wrong and she is going to do right from now on, you try to give her a chance. Even in this round of posts you tried to talk yourself into giving her a chance. You even gave her furniture for her spa even though she owed you a horrendous amount of money at that point.

    Maybe the perspective on agreements that helped me would help you? At one point when my kids were little, I would tell them no and then change my mind. They got so they couldn't rely on what I said because I was always changing my mind. So I thought about it and sat us all down as a family. I told them that from now on, No meant No, and Yes meant Yes. My word was a CONTRACT with them that I could not break even if I wanted to. So if I asked for a minute or five to think, it was probably best that they not pester me. If they pestered me, it was automatically the answer they didn't want, but if they didn't, I might give the answer they did want.

    It was HARD to stop going back on what I told them. Especially when they came up with such creative and LOGICAL reasons for me to do or not do something (I am a svcker for logical reasons, especially coming from little kids). It was a very good thing for me.

    Maybe if you treat what you told her like a contract and you enforce every part of it (PITA on your part), your life will improve. Hers may or may not, that isn't for you to worry about. But yours is all tied up in worry and that isn't healthy.

    I also suggest you contact the authorities and ask if you can put a No Trespass order on her 1/2 Azz Boyfriend as the Homeowners. You might not be able to as you are not the Tenant, but you might if you can show he damaged your property. It would be worth asking your cop friend about it. Also contact an attorney or the Court Clerk to find out how you go about evicting your daughter for nonpayment of rent.

    Don't wait to get the information. Get it NOW. Before the week is out! Why? Because then you are ARMED and you know you don't have to tolerate her nonsense. It takes the mystery out of the process. It makes it just a little easier to do what needs to be done.

    The big thing is that you MUST follow through with everything that you said you would do. No matter what.

    You and your husband did a really great job!
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  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Susiestar, Yes, a written list is good, I called out the list and daughter wrote things down. List is sitting on my desk at all times in case I get weak.
    I felt very odd giving my daughter furniture for the spa after I did it. I am working on my nature. It is in my DNA to help where ever I can but I have to fight against this daily. I want to be able to lift up and make lives better, I get personal satisfaction out of it. I have to go against my nature and realize it does not help my daughter. It's almost like some kind of crazy mind game.
    I agree with staying on course with my contract to her..And I can't get side tracked or used and abused. I am a sucker for her beautiful eyes and if she asks me for money or things I will not look into her eyes. That is a problem I am working on.. I think that goes back to being a bereaved mother..I will follow though with everything even eviction if it come to that and daughter is crystal clear about that. Thank you for your wisdom and insight. Could not make this happen with out you. Hugs and love all around you.