suspended already

[crazymama30]

Not even a month into the school year, and difficult child has gotten suspended already. We are going to the school today to meet with the principal, to hear the rest of the story. difficult child tells me he was horsing around with a 7th grade boy. They probably were playing rough, but according to him they were laughing and having fun. Then his 6th grade sister came up and thought difficult child was going to hurt her brother so she started yelling and swearing at him. So difficult child called her a mother f'er. What the principal told me on the phone was that difficult child went ballistic on this normally quiet 6th grade girl. difficult child is in 8th grade. The big concern is that this was a 6th grader at the beginning of the school year. I cannot take difficult child's word for what happened as he has outright lied to me in the past. My big concern is what will happen in high school? He will mouth off like that to someone bigger and stronger, and get the tar beat out of him. He can be fine, and then he just explodes with rage, and sometimes? It is hard to even find a trigger. Sometimes, the trigger is something that difficult child thinks happened and it really did not happen...........he misunderstood the situation.


I did find a high school that might work well for him, it is a theraputic high school. They have therapists on staff, their behavior is based on collaborative problem solving, they have a smaller school population with a better student to staff ration. My concern? It is meant for kids with emotional and behavior issues, so could he learn worse behavior there? Probably, but at least there someone might notice................at a regular high school? There are so many kids that no one ever would notice.

 

[DDD]

Sorry the year is not starting off well. Do they have in school suspensions or only out of school suspensions? So many schools send kids home which in my humble opinion not only gets them behind in school work but usually is seen by the difficult child's as a holiday. Sending hugs. DDD

 

[crazymama30]

DDD, actually? My difficult child is strange that way, he hates to stay home from school. He has out of school suspension, not sure how many days untill we meet with the principal.

 

[buddy]

crazymama 30...holy cow I get so fed up with administrators, mine is out already too...on FRI. I am sorry, and I can relate to the worry about the future and what will be done. My son also hates to leave school which just increases his anxiety and makes it harder to do well while he is there. I have to make all appointments for first thing in the morning or I would never get him to leave school for the appointment.
Suspension has not been shown to be effective for students in the research (for a typical kid who makes a single mistake and gets scared straight, maybe) and for sure not for special needs kids.
Has he had an FBA done and is there a positive behavior plan in place? Just curious. Maybe it is time to amend it....even so we still have to fight those administrators who bi-pass the plans.
When IDEA was renewed they specifically added that districts can use a case by case decision mode for students that have behaviors which are a manifestation of their disabilities. This was a way to help them circumvent the zero tolerance policies that most districts have now.

Hope his day home goes okay, sigh.

 

[TeDo]

You guys really should get the book LOST AT SCHOOL, highlight it and give the copies to the principals, telling them it works at home so they might want to try it at school. Something to think about anyway.

 

[DDD]

That is strange...but good. Fingers crossed the school doesn't go too hog wild. Hugs. DDD

 

[crazymama30]

I really dont have complaints about the school, they really do a fairly good job of dealing with difficult child. While I am dissapointed he got suspended, I think he deserved it. easy child told me he told her he"thought"the girl was going to sweat at him so he swore at her. I think what upsets me the most is that I don't know what else we can do to help him. He is on medication and I dont know that I am comfortable raising the doses. We may need a medication wash but that could require aphosp stay and that would mess up the school year. I could try it myself, but I don't know if I could keep him and the test of the family safe. He sees therapist weekly, meets with wrap person weekly, we are working on getting him a mentor, and there is another social skills group on his future. I just hope at some point something works.

 

[TeDo]

It could be an isolated incident so don't worry too much just yet. Wait until you have your meeting, explain to principal what difficult child told you and see if you can get the WHOLE picture. Administrators are not ones to try to figure out "where the kids are coming from" but that is exactly what is needed to TEACH our difficult child's. Can't fix what isn't working if we don't know WHY it's not working. That's why I suggested the book.

 

[TerryJ2]

Argh! So sorry! I'm glad you're working on solutions, anyway.
I understand about not knowing what to believe. My difficult child interprets things differently quite often. Other times, he's right on the money. It is so hard! Either way, he can't go around yelling MF at school. And somewhere deep down, he knows it.

 

[Steely]

Oh yuck...sounds exactly like something Matt would have done. Your difficult child perceived a threat, and before it could become one, he nipped it in the bud with his lovely difficult child tactics. I am not sure medically there really is anything you can do. Despite ALL the medications Matt trialed, none of them stopped that sort of primitive instinctual behavior.

If you did decide to do a medication wash - I would have him admitted, absolutely.

As far as the HS, I would give it a try. Matt was in that type of setting at times in his schooling. I can definitely say he didn't pick up more bad behaviors, but he did feed off the negative energy. I would definitely give it a try though....at least it would be more tolerant of his outbursts, and more understanding....and hopefully they would not use out of school suspension as punishment.

 

[flutterby]

I'm sorry, cm. There seems to be a perfect storm going on with his age, the time of year, stuff with his dad...

 

[keista]

Sorry about the drama, but it sounds about right. DD1 also started up at the one month mark. Ever since she's been scary perfect, though.

Regarding the therapeutic HS. Go visit as often as you can and see how things are there on a daily basis.

See, the comment about the emotionally hadnicapped and behavioral issues kids made me chuckle. In out elementary school, that's what the sped department is geared to. At least it was until son showed up. this concerned me greatly but since he was on a fast track to mainstream, it was "doable". Well, once in mainstream he was pulled out for "social skills classes" with these other kids. 5th grade rolled around and this class was causing more scheduling and regular academic miscommunication issues than it was helping with the skills, so I asked if son could drop it. The sped teacher didn't recommend it, but allowed it because son was "just not getting it". she said ALL the EH kids were much more advanced than him in basic social skills - turn taking, listening to others' interests, playing games others wanted to play etc.

So, my point is not to rule it out because of a "stigma". If they have good staff, and things are handled well, it should be just fine.

 

[Liahona]

I'm having the same problem with difficult child 1. He 'thinks' his siblings are going to do something (most of the time he is wrong and they won't do that) so before they can he gets aggressive. The one he does this with the most right now is 1/2 his size and weight, easy child 1. I'm not sure what to do about it either. Currently working with tdocs and he has a psychiatrist appointment soon.

 

[InsaneCdn]

We thought we were in this situation.

Took a LOT of very careful supervision... and then we found out that sibling was actually putting out little barbs, just to get him to blow up and get in trouble, because it made her look good.

Some of these difficult children have an uncanny ability to read subtle cues we don't even know we are giving out. The other person may have no intention of ever following through on what those cues mean, but they are real nonetheless. difficult child came home from school one year - first day of school - and said "teacher hates me". No way. Not buying into that one. Six weeks later... we were really wishing we had listened on day 1, because the teacher WAS a huge problem.

Just another possible perspective.

Doesn't mean difficult child should get away with this stuff -but you might have to deal with both sides.

 

[Liahona]

Yes, we're looking into changing her behavior as well. She isn't subtle about pushing his buttons. I've been having a hard time correcting her though because I'm so focused on him. And then so exhausted from dealing with his behavior. Bad mama. I'm doing better at correcting her. (Mostly involves time outs and separating them.) Still not great though. She also adores him and will follow him around copying him. Add his paranoia and its a complicated mess.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If its anything between the two of them... call them both on the mat for the incident, every single time. SHE will get the message sooner than he will - but it will help him to know she's being called on it too. Even if you don't see the barbs. Tell her you know this stuff is going on but can't always catch it. Tell her that until the button-pushing stops, you have to assume it is happening every single time.

 

[TerryJ2]

InsaneCDn, good point. My easy child did that with-my difficult child 10 yrs ago. I had totally forgotten that aspect.

 

[crazymama30]

We had our meeting with the principal. I actually really like him. He was able to put difficult child at ease, and then they did a bunch of role playing (over an hour) so he could help difficult child see what he he did was wrong, and they role played what would be better to do in that situation. I want him to give me lessons, he was able through role playing and talking about what happened to get difficult child to find a better solution to what happened, and they problem solved what to do if/when it happens again.

difficult child gets to go back to school today, however he has been warned that if this happens again he will be suspended for longer. The principal also mentioned that if this school continues to not be a good fit, and if he feels that they are not metting difficult child's needs(this is a very small charter school)? That maybe he needs to go to another school. There is a junior high that is like the high school I mentioned.....meant for emotionally and behaviorally challenged kiddos......and he could transfer there if his behavior continues to escalate. I stated that I thought that difficult child deserved a chance to try to finish 8th grade at his current school, and the principal completely agreed.

I had mentioned to the principal that difficult child has wrap services (principal knows what they are, sort of) and I guess they have had students on wrap before. He asked if we could have a wrap meeting at the school? I said I would love to. So I called the care coordinator and got the location of the next meeting (10/18) changed to difficult child's school. I really do like this school, and am very grateful that difficult child is there. They truly do care about him, and even though he has all his issues? They like him and enjoy having him there. I am pleased we are having the next wrap meeting at the school, I think it will be very helpful to the school, and therefore be helpful to difficult child also.


I also got a return call back from the neuropsychologist. Apparently she has a family member who has terminal cancer, just diagnosis'd, and so has gotten behind. Man do I feel bad. She said she is going to get the report done today, but I am thinking I should call her and tell her now that I know what is going on, if she needs another week or so to take it? while I really really want the report, I want her to take her time and be thorough.

So that is the next chapter in difficult child's life. I hope it will get better, and hope he can finish out the year at his current school!

 

[TeDo]

Things sound very positive. Great principal!! Wish we had his clone here. I am glad they are willing to work with you and difficult child and the "team" to help difficult child be successful there.

 

[buddy]

Wow sounds like a really caring principal. I may be stating the obvious, but to a principal when things get rough they typically go to " this school is not a good fit" before they try the multiple steps that can happen to intervene. I dont remember if he is on an IEP...I guess I am assuming so but, sorry if not. If so, a change in placement, even from a charter school (which receives monies from the district for the student and is not a private school) has to be an IEP driven decision. And it certainly may be the best decision, you know your kid so maybe. But if he is in his last year at a school where he feels secure, I think I hear you saying you'd like him to try to stay and finish. A functional behavior assessment to see what the issues are, where they are happening he most, what the triggers are or to identify areas of skill development that need to be considered should be done...From that then, to develop a plan using researched based, appropriate methods to help him work through the issues would the "best practices" step to take before placing him in a setting that from what you said, would be considered for most kids as more restrictive. (in the sense that it is not with neurotypical peers for role models etc.) - The law requires least restrictive environment which is most often viewed as having kids in the gen. ed. setting as much as possible, but we all know this is not least restrictive for many so of course it is a kid by kid consideration. I hope it goes smoothly and it likely will because it sounds like they are very caring and reasonable.

sorry for the bad grammar and run on sentences, early morning and trying to enjoy moments before difficult child wakes....smile