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We have had some ok times with our daughter who is now 39. She has lost a few pounds and says she feels better. My daughter and I spent an ok day at the gym, her talking politics non stop, I believe this is her way to hide what is really going on in her life. She gets a call from her worthless boyfriend while we are walking on the treadmill and her face turns white, she will not tell me what the trouble is but I can tell in her voice it is not good. If she spends too much time with me he starts some kind of trouble. My daughter told me she is having a pool put into her back yard this month.
My husband and I are swimmers and raised both of our children to be swimmers. If my daughter stays on a regular swimming schedule her attitude, behavior and sleep is improved. I am happy that she is getting a pool but concerned about her ability to maintain it..

What I just wrote sounds like things are ok but in the midst of all this there are lies, secrets, weirdness, oddness and things that just don't make sense.


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Hi again, friend.

You know, at least your daughter can afford a pool. Kay can't afford a kiddie pool. So she is working. That always helps.

About oddness and secrets.

Your friends may have daughters that go everywhere with them and share i believe you. My friends and I have.kids that we have good relationships with but we don't hang out that way. I don't think most even great kids share all with parents or always hang with them. There is usually work and tjey have kids plus their own friends and us too. Some of their kids live far away too. We can not always be their first best friend as they get into their own family years. My dear siblings wonderful adult children all live far away from her in different places so seeing them once a year is a lot. They are married with jobs and kids too. They Zoom. In 2021 I think life is different than when we were young. Less family oriented for sure.

However either way OUR kids, who bring us here, are.noy typical adults and our relationships are what they are. Or in my case, not. Again, I can't express how much precious unhappiness you are wasting by angsting over her boyfriend. Pfffft. She.pickef him and they are together for a reason. But that's not our business. I am saf that her choices make you sad. For us we learned to detach from the choices of our grown kids. Why? Because there is not one thing we can do about their choices. All we can control is.our responses to them. We can choose to be happy. Or not.

I am no quick study.....and after I lost my dear son I was never happy. Ever. Then just when I was recovering a bit, Kay went off the rails and eventually left us. In some ways her horrible life was worse for me than Ethan's death. It was a rejection of all we had taught her and if us. Please cherish the times, few though they may be, that your daughter is loving to you. Please don't get angry or sad by her choices....those are not your choices to cry over. I have spent years,bon top of therapy and nar anon, on the art of being happy. There is a web of info on the topic. It worked!!!

And, like you, my life was NOT a bowl of cherries! I really don't know anyone else who lost a beloved child nor on top of that had a daughter tell me I'm not her mother and take off, leaving her child behind. And Jaden will need assistance all his life, most likely. Hope I'm wrong.

I am not having a pity party here. I'm sure it sounds like it! Yet I am usually happy and strong. Oh, I have my days but that are the minority now.

Rejoice in your daughter's pool. That's a great think. Exercise is good. Rejoice that she has a job and home. And that she is paying for the home and hasn't trashed it,bas Kay did to everything we bought her. We also have her a job at our business but she threw serious fits there and eventually we had to let her go.

If you want, go into your search engine and look up how to be happy all the time or radical happiness.

Every single bit of wisdom says that I have to detach from the outcomes of everyone but my own self. Don't watch the news much (this is something I did that really helped since the news is beyond my control and always negative). I joined a prayer group, now that we can be together again if vaccinated. I have a beatitude journal which I learned to do at Nar Anon. I meditate each might.

You are not me. I tried to share ways how I learned not to obsess over my loved ones and the outcomes of their decisions. Loo, your daughter may our in a pool. If she doesn't maintain it, that's 1000 percent only her problem. It has nothing to do with you. Plus you are thinking of the future. I try soooo hard to stay in the now.

As they say in Nar Anon, take what you hear that you find helpful, from ANY post, and leave the rest. These kids are hard but there are actually very healthy and helpful ways to live a good life without thinking about them all the time. I feel much better now so, for good or not, thought I'd explain how I deal.

Hugs, love and prayers.
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BusyNMember, I know as absolute truth that I cannot have control over the outcome of anyone's decisions but my own. My friends or anyone that knows me well would say that I am a happy person in spite of losing my son and having a daughter that is off track and other horrible things that have happened in my life. I have lost several people in my life in the last two years, and a lot of close friends and family. Last March 15th I lost one of my childhood best friends, I am very sad with all the deaths but I still can laugh, go to the gym and enjoy good people. Sometimes I just need to put words into what and where I am in life.
I do cherish the times when my daughter is kind to me. Today she bought me all kinds of organic soaps, she buys them from an Amish woman and they are wonderful.
Since I own the home my daughter is renting and if she decides to not take care of her pool, it is my concern too . We have strict HOA laws and people that do not take care of their pools get notices from the health department and have to pay fines which means I will get notices too since it is my home. I will just have to hope for the best.
Today I went to lunch with my husband and daughter at our favorite Pho place. My husband did not mean to be funny but he was saying things that were so funny that I choked on my food, my daughter and I could not stop laughing. I laughed so hard I was crying.
I think that is one of the reasons our daughter visits us, we say some crazy things.
We then all went grocery shopping and she refused to wear a mask. The grocery stores around here still enforce it and the employees are just doing their jobs by asking people to please wear their mask. She is rebellious about it and then my husband and her get into it again....
I would just like to end the evening on a good note.
Hugs, love, compassion back to you.


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It sounds like you have more family time that is good rhan lots of us with difficult kids. You do HAVE a relationship.

Good for you and the good times!