Thank God I have found you.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Overwhelmed 61, Jan 1, 2020.

  1. ooo

    ooo Member

    It's 2020 a new year, new friends and new beginning. Staying focused and strong is my goal.
    I tried calling and texting my daughter several times since yesterday with no response. This is my punishment for standing up for myself.
    I only want to make sure everyone is ok. I will need to rely on God to make sure they are. Although sometimes I don't feel that is enough. It should be, I know.
    I feel sort of selfish writing my story here when I see all the others on here going through so much. My story seems so irrelevant.
    I only wish I could hug everyone and tell you every thing will be alright.
    Peace and Love
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Nobody's story is irrelevant.

    Please...please....keep posting. We are here for you. God bless.
     
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Over!

    Your story isn’t irrelevant.

    No one’s situation is more or less important than another. However, some are in the middle of a crisis at certain times. This is you right now.

    Your daughter is fine—if she wasn’t, she would be calling YOU.

    And, yes, she is punishing you for defying her will.

    If you can, stop calling her.

    She needs to get the message that you are not going to put up with her abuse any more.

    Over, I am really concerned for your well-being. Please take care of yourself by protecting your finances and by not allowing your kids to abuse you.

    One step at a time and soon you will be stronger!

    I hope you will continue to post!



     
  4. ooo

    ooo Member

    Thank you Apple. This place is my only social time. I really have no friends or family any more.
    I have became a hermit because I couldn't keep up the acting any longer and if I was sad my friends backed off.
    My family don't want to hear it so I never talk to them about anything.
    My son lives with me and constantly reminds me of the aweful mother I am and says he can't stand me. Therefore, I stay in my room when I am not at work.
    I have even thought about selling my house to get rid of him. He won't leave.
    Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up.
    I think about what the other side would be like. I think I am afraid I will land in Hell so I tell myself this is the better alternative.
    Don't worry, I am not going to do anything bad, it's just my thoughts.
    Thanks for listening to me.
    Peace and Love
     
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I think it might be a good idea to consider some medications or counceling to help you through this difficult time. I use anti anxiety medications and attended counceling. Dealing with what we do is draining.
     
  6. ooo

    ooo Member

    I also take antianxiety medication. It helps. I have signed up for coaching and should start this month. It's suppose to be for mental and physical well being. Just getting out may be a big help. Thanks for caring.
    Peace and Love
     
  7. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    Overwhelmed, i was shocked at what your son who lives with you said to you. It's not good for you to be around that. i think getting out and going to coaching will help you. Are there any anon groups in your area ?
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Fried Green Tomatoes, Towanda. You have to Towandasize yourself. Stand up for yourself.
    My daughter would “punish” me for not putting up with her drugging and making her leave my home by going no contact, kids and all. It’s a twisted way of breaking us down.
    Being here helped me to sort through the madness and see it for what it was. Madness and abuse. Nobody, especially our own adult children has the right to belittle us. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. We all make mistakes. My daughter is in jail and I have two of her kids. She calls when she is in jail, other than that the only time I see her is on Instagram, gangster partying selfies for all the world and her kids to view. The kids are mad at her and don’t want to speak with her. I got up the nerve to tell her that and she went on this screaming tirade about how I am a lier and judge-mental and other stuff about “just because Dad’s dead doesn’t mean you have say over the house.” Huh. I said bye and hung up and don’t plan to pick up again. Towanda. She doesn’t even know me. My own daughter. I am not any of those things.
    It takes time and practice and working on ourselves and building our armor, Overwhelmed. Not one of us imagined being at a point where the kids we raised could be so mean and nasty as adults. It’s like being ankle checked over and again. We forgive and keep trying to figure out where we went wrong and how things got to be this way. Bottom line. It’s their choice. One quote that helped me “What you allow, will continue.” I had to stop allowing the craziness for my own sanity and well being.
    Getting out and up from under the sadness of it all is important. Baby steps. This site helps because we have all pretty much experienced stuff that would shock other folks, and yes, I have also lost friends because they just couldn’t bare my truth.
    You sound resolved to work on strengthening yourself. Good for you! Try not to be so hard on yourself. Keep posting, it really helps to write it all out and get feedback.
    Towanda!
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  9. ooo

    ooo Member

    Thank you New Leaf. I like the Tawandasize idea. I enjoy words that make me smile and that did.

    Peace and Love
     
  10. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Overwhelmed,

    I was very angry with my brother last week for taking advantage of mom and myself for enabling him. I had to park him while my mother recovered from a serious illness (I had worked VERY hard to overcome enabling my young, addicted son, so I was in a bit of a tizzy fit).

    HOWEVA....Some one on this site mentioned Eckhart Tolle as a teacher of peacefulness, living in the present. (It makes the past and future non-existent). {Including what is happening "now"}. He explains it much better than I. So far, this was my favorite:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44

    It was nice to learn to live in the present because the thinking part of myself sat down and stopped the running dialogue in my head. I've been practicing it for a couple of days and man, it has been POWERFUL to learn that we do not have to live in a place of suffering. We can be open to just focus on our breath, our aliveness. I even took a nap today and fell asleep in what seemed like 2 seconds. I woke up refreshed. I started working the midnight shift tonight (9 pm-7 am) and have not dreaded it at all. That is saying a lot because I'm usually in bed by 7 or 8.

    Anywho, enough about me. I hope you enjoy the video and move out of suffering.

    Hugs,
    Jmom
     
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  11. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    JMom, I have to listen to this Eckhart Tolle. I am living in the "What if" right now and it's killing me. I know what I'm doing is right for my grand, but "what if"......
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Overwhelmed

    So sorry to hear that your son is treating you like that! I hope that you can gather up the strength, courage, will and might to take your life back in 2020!

    It is hard to do but it can be done! Going to a coach is a great first step.

    Don't let your children define you. None of us here can afford to do that.

    Hugs xoxo
     
  13. beebz

    beebz Member

    Lord have Mercy on us ... I feel you honey, I feel you. I''m not in danger of suicide or anything either. But my girlfriend put it to me like this, she was at her Dr's appointment when the Dr must have asked her if she was suicidal and this is/was her reply of which I adopted. I don't want to kill myself, but I am sick of this life.... me too... me too.....
    My daddy caught me out in the garage this morning smoking. My dad lives with me and knows I smoke so I wasn't really "caught" but what I meant was; I have been avoiding my folks for many days now. Let me clarify, my folks built a "wing" on my house. We are separated by the garage. They pull in and go "right" into their home and I pull in and go "left" into mine. The separation was important to my sanity.
    New years eve, when everyone in my home went to bed, I physically headed over to their "wing" to visit, three times, and all three times I didn't make it. I too, have become a hermit, and quite frankly, I'm fine with it. I keep trying to go over there to explain my behavior ,so ,dad running into me in the garage this afternoon was OK. I was sitting on the step, smoking, crying. He just walked over to me, wiped my tear from my right cheek and quietly hurt with me. He has been through hell . He is 90. His son (my brother) is dead from the drug life, as is my sister, as is her son. I am all they have left and they watch me like a hawk. Its hard because they suffocate me. They really do watch every move I make and tell me certain things I do is dangerous (I'm a tomboy still at 58) but I beg God every day for patience dealing with them. My mom is simply mean and dad lost 85% of his hearing so I'm constantly having to talk loud, repeat etc and get very very mad at him. He DOES have hearing aids ..... but..... lets not go there... lol...
    This is my social place also. Usually my husband and granddaughters are over my shoulder so I only write when they are at work or school. I feel so disrespectful to the replies, prayers, thoughts advice and the like here that I get and do not respond to because this place is wonderful. It really is. If you want to be heard, listened to, cyber hugged and relieved, this is the place.
    Thinking of you today darling - and hoping for some relief for you, and maybe even some fun n'games in your day.
    Hugs ~beebz
     
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  14. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Overwhelmed, everyone here is relevant. Relevant = closely connected to the circumstances. We cheer each other on, share our sorrows, and accept one another without judgement. It is a safe place. I am not there all the way, yet, not sure I ever will be, but the important thing is that I strive to accept this circumstance I am in with my 41 y/o alcoholic homeless, abusive daughter. I am a work in progress when it comes to detachment, but I am 80 percent better. When I first came here, last April, I think, I had read a lot about personality disorder, how to cope as the mother of an adult child and how to let go. I had done a lot of homework, but I wasn't able to stay consistent on letting go of the guilt and fear. I am so much better because of the opportunity to share and read the stories, how to do better, right here.

    The first step to your freedom from the shackles of such pain is to make the choice to put yourself first. Many here are active in Al-anon. They also share their experiences here and I have found it to be very helpful. I have been in therapy off and on for years.

    We all have to take care of ourselves first, so we can make rational decisions not fueled by emotions, and it takes work. Anything worth having does.

    I wish for you to find help through social services in your area. Someone here shared the 211 phone access. I couldn't use it because my Difficult Child lives in another state, but maybe you can. The places I was able to locate resources so I would have them if and when my daughter reaches out (one I shared with my Difficult Child so she would have an idea of all the services available so she wouldn't be alone over the holidays). I got the message. She said I have never walked beside her so don't start now, and that she was not 100% alone, no thanks to me, yada, yada. There's more, but I think you get the point. I spoke with many caring people by trying to find resources for my Difficult Child and they all asked about me. How was I coping? Etc.

    Just brainstorming, of course it is up to you to make the choice that is best for you. You are relevant.

    "The first step in changing for the better is to actually do something different."
    ~Hug your World

    Sending comfort {{{virtual hugs}}}. You are not alone.
     
  15. ooo

    ooo Member

     
  16. ooo

    ooo Member

    Everyone that has responded with
    references, encouragement, hope and understanding has done so much for me. I can't thank you all enough.
    I'm getting ready to enter a storm and I hope I come through it. I am making some changes and both of my kids are going to go off on me.
    Cable and Wi-Fi are going to be shut off. My son can find a job instead of playing Forte Night all day and night which by the way is causing the bill to increase.
    I am lowering the amount of money I give my daughter every payday, which should still be enough for food and gas. She is going to have to learn to spend wiser.
    And for me, drum roll please, I am getting my house done. Painting, finishing projects and turning up the music.
    I am going to look into all the programs everyone has mentioned and start a coaching class. I hope to go to the library and find some of the books you all have mentioned too.
    I know it's a lot but I'm not expecting to do it all in a day but these are thing I will put on my to do list.
    You all have lifted and inspired me.
    I have to be done with all this mess before I stroke out. Of course I am feeling positive today, thanks to the positive vibes here and hoping to have more better days.
    Let's see how the storm goes first.
     
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  17. ooo

    ooo Member

    I watched the video. It was awesome. I had never heard of him before. Thank you for sharing.
    Peace and Love
     
  18. skittles

    skittles Member

    Dear Overwhelmed,
    I read some of your posts earlier where I see the problems with your daughter. Just adding my experience and thoughts to others. I have a DS and i also have his exGF who is mother to my 5 grandkids, shes a textbook borderline personality. Ive managed to detach pretty well from my son but as she has my grandchildren im having more difficulty there. Currently shes living with another man and shes pregnant. Im her primary transportation, i take her to grocery store, grands tp medication apptmts and up til now dozen of other little errands (ive pulled back alot as i dont get along with her new man)Shes on welfare and I dont give much financial support (i have paid a hydro bill or gas bill to avoid cut off at times), my main involvement has been transportation. Howver now shes in a situation where shes being evicted, since the new guy has moved in, shes beem behind on all bills (however he always has money fir beer somehow) Shes asked me to help and I cry broke as i suspect hes spending her money. i dont know how she is going to afford a mover, find a deposit or even a landlord that will accept her. So hard as it is to watch, im just going to let it happen. If she ends up homeless, she will be in a shelter, or the kids will be in foster care. I share this just because you seem concerned about if the grandkids will understand. Our difficult children love to use the grands to manipulate us, and your grands are learning how to do the same. Is that a lesson you want them to learn? if you stop paying then she will either have to step up herself or fall, the roof over the kids head is her responsibilty not yours. And even if this sounds cold, worrying if the grands will understand is still allowing others to dictate how you should feel. Im sure when my daughter in law gets evicted, CPS will be asking me to take my grands and it will hurt to say no. I love them but I cant raise them, its their parents responsibilty and at my age i cant possibly handle mentally or financially five young children. Will my grands hate me for that and for not bailing mom out? (they hear her constantly insisting its my job to help because my son is a deadbeat and theyve learned from mom that nothing is ever her fault, its always someone elses) so I dont know, i hope not but ultimately if they find it more acceptable in their hearts to be angry at me instead of mom then I understand that. The point is I cant let that fear influence me to bail her out, or it will never end.I know you feel trapped and when we allow people to manipulate us like this it damages our own self esteem. I truly feel like a grade A idiot allowing some woman whos not even my daughter and pregnant by some man other than my son to claim so much of my time and peace of mind, but its a work in progress and we have to be forgiving of ourselves too ive learned some strategies to help, as i said, crying broke, lying about my finances to her helps. Sounds like you dont have to lie, simply tell the truth, the well is dry. I also tell her i work evenings which i dont, i retired 2 years ago and didnt tell her. Thus way i always have my evenings free, not ideal but im simply not strong enough to deal with the drama and fighting if she knew i was at home and able to go pick up milk, or babysit or take her somewhere or help her with laundry etc. So find ways to make excuses not to help instead of finding reasons (like the grandkids) that you should help. I think the more we do that, the more we get in the habit of making our needs the priority instead of someone elses. It takes practice and work, we cant change a lifetime of caretaking people overnight, but your relization that its not healthy for any of you is the first step. Take care and stay strong
     
  19. ooo

    ooo Member

    Thank you Skittle for your insight. It's all true, everything you said. My daughter has physically and mentally abused me. She hits, screams, curses and it doesn't matter to her if the kids see it. She has kept the kids from me in the past. This last time it was over 2 yrs.
    My son is very verbal. Yells, tells me I am useless, a horrible mother and can be violent. I currently have 3 doors with holes in them that he has punched or kicked. He has even went to neighbors telling them lies. Fortunately they know me and know he is the problem.
    I am working on getting my life back and all the wonderful people here are encouraging me.
    Thank you for caring.
    Peace and Love
     
  20. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line... ".

    If ever there were a truism, this is one.
     
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