The Call

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jul 7, 2018.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I was out shopping and my phone rang, my youngest girl.
    “Mom your daughter is in jail.”
    It’s Tornado, haven’t heard from her in about a year.
    She wants to be bailed out. I heard myself say “I am not doing it.”
    Thoughts ran through my head. We haven’t seen or heard from her in almost a year. Neither have her kids.
    There was a pause on the other end, a sigh. “Well I don’t have money to bail her out.”
    I said “Why should anyone bail her out to go right back to homelessness, stealing and drugging?”
    “She will be mad, Mom, we better lock the house up tight, when she gets out.”
    So be it.
    I will not bail her out.
    Thinking on how many times we tried to help her.
    She will have to figure it out.
    I hope she stays in there for a spell. Give her time to think. Maybe detox.
    At least I know she is alive.
    She will be 30 in October.
    Praying this will be a turning point.
    Only time will tell.
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  2. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Ugh, New Leaf, those calls out of the blue.

    You sound very wise and strong. Experience and time certainly help us with better choices, don't they?

    I promise to say some prayers.

    Stay close,
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  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Stay strong and hang in there Leafy! It is hard having a kid in jail but sometimes it is the best place for them. Definitely better than being homeless and drugging. I wonder if she will get in touch while she is in jail. I know with my son the time he communicates with us the most is when he is in jail.... nothing else to do. Anyway I do hope for her sake it is a turning point for her.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SS I am shifting from that place of strength to sadness to that void that I think we all feel when stuff hits the fan. Praying for solace and comfort. What kind of mother leaves their adult child in jail? Me.
    I do.
    Because I know if I bailed her out it would be more of the same old same old. So, I take deep breaths in between not being able to, and try to shake off the vision of her alone and withdrawing.
    It has been years since I have seen her. The real her, without drugs and all of the chaos that comes with that.
    She will continue to think I am cold hearted, until she gets clean.
    I don’t know if she will ever realize the empty places I have been to with this.
    That is not for me to impress upon her. It is up to her to try to figure out the next move. I hope it will be upward.
    What I have left is prayer.
    God help her, and me.
    Thank you.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    TL. You know, I have oft thought that the only way my two will wake up is by incarceration. I don’t know what the deal is, something about “someone giving her a moped that was stolen.......”. Who knows? I do know she has warrants out for unpaid traffic tickets. I don’t know if anyone else will bail her out, or even what the process is. I have never dealt with this before. Well, her boyfriend was in jail and was trying to get us to bail him out. NO!
    I do know she has hit “skid row” with her sister. Heard they were in the same park together.
    Swallow that with a glass of wine.
    Let’s see..... abandon your three kids, post Instagram pictures partying up, selfies all decked out in the latest “gangsta” styles, to living in a tent in the park. Don’t communicate with family for a year, then call from jail.
    What is rock bottom anyways?
    Hopefully, this is.
    Still not bailing her out.
    If she does call, it probably won’t be me. That’s okay. I will have to live this new normal one day at a time and see how it pans out.
    Thank you for your support.
    Welcome to my Jerry Springer world......
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  6. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    So sorry Leafy, you know you're doing the right thing but it's always going to hurt. Please try to stay strong and help yourself get through the this time. Maybe after a while if she detoxes she'll be able to see the world through clearer eyes that's what we hope for all our kids. Hugs.
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  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You are right not to bail her out. That would not help her in any way. When my son was arrested in December we would not bail him out until he got into a treatment program. He called us begging us to bail him out and we refused. There was no way he was coming home while waiting to get into treatment. Your daugther is almost 30 and has not been in touch. If you know which facility she is in you can send her some mail....or some books to read. That would show you care and mail makes a difference and di know for my son since there is nothing to do in jail he reads which is a posiitive thing. So there are ways to show you still love and care about her without bailing her out. You may not even want to do that and that is ok too.
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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support guys.
    I will be okay after it sinks in a bit. I have no idea what will happen, if she will get someone else to bail her out. I just have to give it to God. Thank you CTM.

    TL, that is how I feel. What good would it do? So, I am sitting tight.

    Thank you for the suggestions. We shall see what comes of this. I have no clue what it all day at a time.
    Right now I am using tough love on myself. Tightening the bootstraps and suiting up for whatever comes of this. And praying.
    Thank you so much for your help.
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Why bail her out? Is she safer sleeping in a park with druggies? Plus, if she doesn’t show up (you already know what her word is worth), there could be repercussions for you.

    You’re doing plenty keeping those 3 kids away from her chaos. We’re raising one of D D’s - I can’t even imagine 3.

    If she calls and gets nasty, just hang up and don’t accept any more calls. They’re expensive anyhow.
  10. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Leafy...I think jail is the best place for her. I know my son was in prison for 3 years and it was a blessing. I know that is strange to say but he came out a completely changed person. Take comfort in knowing she is getting 3 meals a day and a roof over her head. I have read that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this very moment. Please take care of you sweet Leafy. Hugs and prayers
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    DoneDad, no way would I bail her out. I know that I wouldn’t be able to trust her word, been there, done that.
    I don’t have her three kids anymore. They live with their paternal grandparents, that was their wish. I selfishly admit this was a Godsend, as after Hubs passed, I don’t have the energy and the backup to raise them.
    I promised my young son that we would no longer be going through the craziness, that was three years ago. He is graduating high school this year and doing well so far.
    I can’t imagine starting all over again with a four year old. God bless you for taking care of your grandson.
    Thank you DoneDad. It is good to read the strength of male perspective.
    I will hang up in a heartbeat if she gets nasty.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hey Leafy mu son has been in jail several times . Its a nutty system but if you have questions just ask.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thanks TL. Off the top of my head.....she was caught with a stolen moped. Will they keep her for that? Warrants for parking violations? Will they recognize her meth addiction and get her help?
    I am clueless.
    Except for Dragnet, Perry Mason...... Law and Order....
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey Okie,you know I have thought the same thing, especially when I heard she was living in the park with her sister.......
    I like that....”We are exactly where we are supposed to be at this very moment.” That is the definition of faith. Thank you Okie for sharing your sons experience.
    Hugs and prayers right back.
  15. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I have been where you are and have refused bail cause i was already holding 2. Enough. I think he is doing a little better since he got out. I know he doesn't want to go back. I agree if she spends time books are a good idea. If it is the same where you live if you put money on commisary they can call anyone if you set up a phone account they can only call you or the number you set up. You can request a pastor visit her if you think it will help. Prayers for you.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you TM. I am not even sure if she will be held? If so, I am not in despair over it.
    I think it is a blessing.
    It is good to have information, just in case.
    I am so thankful for this site and all of you kind sisters and brothers in arms.
    At this point, I don’t know where it is all going. I guess I will have to wait and see.
    Ps I like the idea of requesting a Pastor.
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    If she is not bailed out they will probably hold her until her court date. If this is her first offense I bet she will get some kind of probation. She will get a court appointed atty. unfortunately they probably wont give her treatment for addiction unless she gets sentenced to some time. If she is really sick from withdrawal she may go to their infirmary unit.
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you TL. I sure appreciate your knowledge.
  19. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Leafy, I imagine that in a way it's good to hear from your daughter, not in this situation but you're still her mom and she called you. Depending on where you are, putting money on her account is a gamble. Here it's a real problem in the male jail because inmates are taken advantage of. The women's jail is different and probably fine. Doesn't sound like a really serious charge, especially if this is her first offense. Did they drug tested her when she went in? If you are allowed to visit her before her court date, and choose to visit her, please be careful not to talk about the charges at all. They do listen to the calls and use the information in court.
    Here goes a twirl of the past. Stay calm, take care of yourself. Hopefully this will be a change for her.
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  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Earth,
    She called her sister, not me. Which is okay. I have made peace with the fact that she went no contact, for whatever her reasons. I have had an earful or two on her opinion of me. Yes, I am still her Mom, she has no choice in that, but she does have a choice in how she treats others, as I have a choice on what I will accept. You can probably tell, it has been a long arduous journey. Don't know if she would even want a visit after I don't bail her out.
    Thank you Earth, I am slowly coming up for air.