The meeting was a bust...

[KatieMae]

There ended up being a total of nine of us in the meeting to discuss "options" for my 16 yr. old... Me, husband, 16 yr. old, three social workers and a social worker intern, our family counselor and the facilitator of course.

Not one of us could come up with anything more than me having to bring my daughter home even though she is threatening suicide or to run away if she has to come back here... OH and they decided FOR me that I'll be getting myself and the 2 yr. old up in the mornings at 5:00 am to take the 16 yr. old across town so she can attend the school of her choice.

The facilitator at one point during this meeting questioned WHY I wouldn't just take the label of "unfit parent" if it meant helping my child... HOW does that help?!?! Sure it helps the state place her into a facility, but what does it do to me, my other children and the relationship with the 16 yr. old would be non-existent then, and that's helpful?

The ONLY thing I feel we have going for us is our social worker... she seems to understand a lot more than I thought she would. She actually got us a voucher to pay for half of the door/window alarm system we are going to have to put in.

The 16 yr. old has THREE diagnosis at this point and the ONLY one I'm even coming close to agreeing with is the ODD (it's CD ((and even more than CD)) but our counselor doesn't want her to have that diagnosis on her record?) The Major Depressive Disorder, Moderate is a scam (while in the hospital she was looked at/watched while not being engaged with any staff or doctor... the psychiatrist told me she was a great actress, and he believed she might be depressed about some things but there wasn't a disorder) and then there is this Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Disturbance of emotion and Conduct? I don't understand anything I read about it!

In the end, I'm going through a(nother) behavior modification book right now and it actually makes a lot of sense to me. Positive Parenting With A Plan by Matthew A. Johnson, Psy.D.

Legally I have to bring her home, even if she's threatening to kill herself or run away. I can't call the police or 911 unless she does something to herself or to us or runs away... I could sit here and cry all day! WHY do we have to wait for whats coming? WHY can't something be done BEFORE someone gets hurt? WHY can't I get any help for my daughter?

 

[DaisyFace]

Katie--

Ugh!!! Welcome to the club....

We have been riding the same roller-coaster. They don't want to put the "CD Label" on my daughter's chart....but then they don't have anything helpful or positive to offer us other than "Wait and see....". So we ended up in the position of either wait until my child does something horrific/or gets seriously injured in order to then get services - or - we could protect her from herself by installing a surveillience/alram system and keep her under lock and key at all times.

So we chose to keep her safe...which then made her ineligible for services because the parents seemed to be "handling it".

We were advised to let her run and wait and see if she gets arrested and then eventually she'd be placed into the Department of Juvenile Justice system and they would place her somewhere....maybe jail, maybe Residential Treatment Center (RTC)....

It's an impossible solution.

 

[KatieMae]

We got the "let her run" advice too... it's horrible, it seems like the only way but she's my daughter and I love her... I am scared of what might happen to her if she runs, and I just can't let it happen.

 

[Bunny]

The facilitator at one point during this meeting questioned WHY I wouldn't just take the label of "unfit parent" if it meant helping my child... HOW does that help?!?! Sure it helps the state place her into a facility, but what does it do to me, my other children and the relationship with the 16 yr. old would be non-existent then, and that's helpful?QUOTE]

I don't see how that would be helpful at all? If you are labeled as an "unfit" mother, what happens to your other kids? Can the state then come in and take them away from you, or does it mean that you will be watched constantly to make sure that you are caring for them well?

I'm really sorry that these are the choices that you are left with. They are really not good choices from where I'm sitting.

Pam

 

[KatieMae]

It seemed obnoxious to me if I took the "label"... it was explained to me that I could even take the label, and then set up a meeting with the Department of Health and Family Services and FIGHT to have the label taken off their records? I want to help my daughter, but not at the expense of doing damage to myself and other family members. My other children deserve to have a fit mother, my husband deserves to be married to a fit mother and I'm a fit mother; I am going to keep my true label.

Maybe if my difficult child 1 had her true label we wouldn't be in the position we are in now!

 

[flutterby]

In order to have an Adjustment Disorder, there has to have been a precipitating event. And from all of the professionals I've encountered over the years (and according to the DSM IV), it's only Adjustment Disorder for 6 months after said precipitating event. If the issue is ongoing, it is then determined to be something else.

Is she on any medications?

 

[toughlovin]

Oh much sympathy from here. Who said you can't call the police unless she does something to herself, or runs away???? You can call the police whenever you want! Don't let them tell you different. Now the police may not be able to do much accept come and help keep the peace but you can most certainly call them. AND if you feel unsafe in any way you should call them. That is their job.

I agree taking on the label of unfit parent is ridiculous.... I am glad you didn't agree to that.

 

[timer lady]

While the meeting didn't offer you any help, you do know where you stand. Have you made all the "powers that be" in that room aware of your house rules, the line in the sand as it were? In other words, have you let all those there know when enough is enough with your difficult child?

I ask this because I was threatened with all sorts of this & that when I refused to pick up my difficult child son from the hospital ~ he was in no shape to come home. Child abandonment, unfit parent (they'd be out to pick up kt), etc, etc, etc. Nothing happened. There aren't enough resources in the system to pursue this legally. Your difficult child is at that magic age where the system tends to look away & put the resources that are available toward the younger children.

I say this because I wouldn't take the label unfit mother either; AND all the threats in the world would not allow me to bring a dangerous & unstable child back home. I told the hospital & the SWs & such that I would bring wm home if they were willing to sign a letter of liability stating in the effect that wm does ...... x, y, z they would take responsibility because of the unwillingness to further treat an already known unstable child.

No one signed it - go figure.

 

[TeDo]

I love that idea TL. I will have to keep that in my file in case I end up needing it some day. If all else fails, YOU accept all responsibility and give me total immunity.

TL is totally right. I would not allow my difficult child back into my house if I had to go to the extremes you are going to. I realize it is VERY hard because she IS your daughter. But, you need to ask yourself "What am I teaching her and how is any of this helping her?" Is keeping locks on doors and windows going to solve her problems or teach her to deal with them? Are cameras everywhere going to solve her problems or teach her how to deal with them? She definitely has problems that need to be dealt with by professionals. Talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights are and how to force SOMEONE to get her the help she needs.

 

[Marguerite]

The facilitator at one point during this meeting questioned WHY I wouldn't just take the label of "unfit parent" if it meant helping my child...

"I assume you are asking me this in order to determine where I stand regarding honesty and integrity. I assure you now, I cannot and will not take on a label which is inappropriate and undeserved. I am being told that you are reluctant to assign to my child a label she DOES deserve, then your question implies you instead want me to assume a label that is not only incorrect, but is only take on in order to (apparently fraudulently) gain services to which we otherwise would be ineligible. WHat sort of message would that send to my children? Especially what sort of message would that send to an already wayward daughter who needs to be shown what the straight and narrow really is?"

I would also be taking the line that if the only way to get access to services is to declare yourself an unfit mother, then it is time to begin a major political campaign to make services more available to GOOD parents. Why should only unfit parents get help for their kids? It is putting help in the hands of those who really don't care about their kids anyway and who therefore are less likely to bother about accessing the services. Catch 22 and totally ridiculous.

I have had such questions asked of me. I assume that they are simply trying to find out how I feel about the idea, rather than suggesting I actually do it.

If such suggestions persist, I would be asking for people on the team who have integrity, not people who are encouraging you to be dishonest in order to teach your child how to live a law-abiding life.

You are supposed to feed your child, clothe your child and give your child access to education. You should not have to get up at 5 am with the baby, to make extra provisions available, especially for a child who is being uncooperative, unappreciative and generally difficult. I would be asking these wonderfully helpful people to step in and drive her to the school or her choice. Or let her move in with them so she can have what she wants - not living at home, and the school of her choice. I would also be wanting to know what is so all-fired special about THAT school, over any other educational facility in your area? Who is at that school, perhaps? If she is so determined to get an education, then she can home-school herself at this age.

It sounds like you were being pressured; the whole agenda was designed to get difficult child what she wanted rather than support you in your serious concerns. I would be asking these people to sign a waiver that they will take responsibility for your safety and your children's safety when difficult child comes home. Take a leaf out of Linda's book!

Marg

 

[Bunny]

It sounds to me like they are trying to blame you for her behavioral problems rather than trying to help her. I hate that. Blame the mother. It must be something that she did. Why else would a child behave this way?

Pam

 

[Marguerite]

The really crazy thing about blame the mother (although I do think they realise she is not to blame, it is just a 'cheaper' way to get services) is, as I tell people here on this site regularly - when you get hooked up on blame, you stop being solution-fucossed. And we then pass this on to our kids who whine, "It's not my fault". When ANYONE is whining, "It's not my fault," or "It's not my responsibility," we all go round in circles getting hot under the collar and nothing gets done. Sometimes you have to deliberately step in (as parent, or as advocate) and say, "Let's stop trying to point the finger and blame. Sometimes bad things just happen. Now, what are we going to DO about it?"

Action seems scarier, especially to people who have used inaction as a strategy for so long. But it is actually far less stressful and far easier, for all concerned.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome to The System. Seriously. This is SO typical.

Marg's right. Saying you're unfit is a fast, cheap way to obtain svcs. So scary and sad.

I agree with-the others ... get as much as you can in writing so you can show their culpability in the future, if necessary.

In the meantime, it sounds as though you've been painted into a corner.

Your daughter won't take medications regularly? Even with-a bribe? You've gotten some great ideas here. All I can do is offer support. Best of luck. Let us know what happens when she gets home.

One thing ... I'm sure you have a plan in place when she gets home. Don't just walk in the door and begin to panic. Tell your daughter b4 you leave the hospital that you are so happy she is being released and you are hoping you can work together to follow the new rules so that she can obtain new freedoms, or however you want to phrase it. It's always hard to toe the line between being too sympathethic and enabling, and appearing controlling. But you can't just walk into the house with-o a conversation, Know what I mean??

Stay in touch.