I saw my therapist today. My life is good but to be completely honest I still sometimes miss what I never had....a loving family and fun being with and accepted by my own mother and siblings. The wish that we were a loving, close group. A different family but with the same faces; softer though. When I think of how I was treated, I feel sad and sometimes wonder if it wasnt all my fault even though my mother expressed not loving me as an infant. I still tend to go there and think it could be all me. It is normal for the scapegoat to take it all on but.... My therapist has heard all of my story many times and thinks it is the dysfunctional unit, not me But they all got along....doesnt that make it ME?. The mind can go around in circles sometimes. My therapist told me something I had never considered but it sounds very possible since ALL of my particular DNA seemed to suffer intimacy problems. Therapist believes that their relationships were and are probably not as warm and fuzzy as my wild imagination tells me. They were not The Brady Bunch with only Jan being ostracized while the rest of them loved on one another. She thinks even today my siblings are not emotionally intimate people. She doesnt think either can get too close to another, and that there is a distance between the two of them. Yes, they can love, my brother more than sister, but not in an intimate way. She also agrees that we all had intimacy problems. I know I largely learned to get past the intimacy problem I had. But, hey, not until lots of therapy and 40 years old. But none of this was the main focus of our awesome discussion....therapist and me. She told me that no matter how great my family of choice is, I will never forget those I grew up with, even if the memories are not all good. Frankly, they are not all bad either, especially my younger years with my brother. I smile at those times with my brother, not so many good memories with Sis. But bro and I were very close. I miss that. Therapist told me they will both be on my mind at times until forever. That is how it is. For almost all. We cant forget our past completely. Its frustrating! Live with it, sure. Forget it, no. And no matter how much my brother and sister may never want to think about me, they will. The connections with people who shared our childhoods, even if we experienced the childhood differently, is a bond forever. We can all live until 100 and we will never stop thinking about one another and likely sometimes will miss one another. It isnt pervasive but it will always be there. Certain triggers will bring them back. I believe my therapists thoughts. I miss them both sometimes although I wasnt treated great, especially by my sister. I miss my brother more, young me and my young brother. Inventing Fantasy Sports I assume both are stuck thinking about me. Even though we wont meet again in this lifetime. Kind of weird that my sister thought I would stick with her after my father died. Didnt she know that it was too late? That I was too hurt, rejected and done? That all the times I needed her and she wasnt there was not okay? That never once telling my mother that she loved me and not to be mean to me was not okay with me? That I would have done it for her?? She was proud and would not have asked me to step in for her, as I did not ask her for that. But I would have done it anyways because I would have known it hurt her and I try to stop bullying. It mattered SO MUCH to me that my siblings never told her to be nicer to me. No they didnt have to do so. No, it was not their responsibility. But I would have done it. Of course they didnt want to take sides and only heard one side (hers) but I was different. I would have gotten in between to smooth it over the best I could. But I loved them both a lot. All I can think.of is that they didnt love me or one of them would have tried to change the game. It was a "leave Somewhere out of the family" game. I wasnt even informed if a DNA member was gravely sick so I could send a card or call or at least know thei illnesses in my own DNA. I was like an adoptee from a closed adoption. i could not accurately tell my doctor what illnesses ran in the family. A first cousin had colon cancer and died, an uncle had Parkinson's and dementia and died, my mother had a brain tumor I didnt know about...nobody told me. Not until after my father passed did I finally get my sister to tell me what illnesses ran in our family. It was one of the last things she told me....finally.....before I cut her off. How mean to keep all that a secret. What was the point??? It was info I needed. God please forgive me, in a way I hate them all so much, although I try not to hate anyone. Instead I tell myself that although many in my DNA were book smart, they were ignorant in many ways about the right things to do. And I stick to that. They didnt know better. But as I type all this it is making me HAPPIER that I dont see them now! Digressing..... My sister also never took any responsibility for her part in our problem. Maybe she thought she had no part. That calling the cops on me for nothing over and over again, even when I lived out of state, was a good, healthy way to teach me lessons. (Sarcasm) There is something very not right about her. Who DOES things like call the cops constantly just because the person is ticked off by an e-mail? To a sister???? I know her well and nobody knows how many times shes called the cops on me over nothing,not even her late in life therapist. She would have sounded crazy if she had admitted it. And I have a cop friend she called who would stick by me and say it was true because it was. But how could she tell her therapist or my brother or anyone that she did this and how often she did? Her therapist would have addressed it with her and not seen her as the stable one. The others would have looked at her as weird too. So nobody knows this cops secret but her and me and my one cop friend whom she called many times and who truly thought she was nuts.......at the end he didnt even respond to her calls by visiting us....just kind of laughed about it when we saw one another. I had had Sis with her years ago. I felt she never gave a damn about me. And so this is how it had to end and she should have figured it out. How stupid did she think I am? My decision had been made for certain after I had been in a terrible car accident and she had whined that in my drugged state (combo of morphine and fentatyl) I had not called her and thanked her for sending me flowers. The truth is I wasnt with it and could not have told anyone my name. I couldnt call anyone. A month of my life was pretty much amnesia. But she whined about her flowers and my lack of manners. Flowers my husband, who never left the hospital, swear never arrived. I believe him. But maybe they went to the wrong room. Who knows or cares? My family of choice loathe her and want me to stay away from her and I promised to never go near her again. And brother too. If I dont talk to her, so he wont talk to me either. He finally took somebody's side . Even sickness and death, theirs or mine, is no reason for us to ever contact one anothet again and I wont and they better not. I dont want to know this time. And I wont tell them either. So in the sense of earthly contact we no longer exist to one another. But I will still think about them sometimes. That is just how it works out. I had a very interesting session today and feel better knowing that missing them at times is normal and wont ever totally cease. And they feel the same, I am sure. Too bad it had to end this way. But....hey, I had long ago known it had to end this way. It was planned. It is over. Have a great night!!!