Therapy? Could it help?

Mumunderfire

New Member
I have thrown (too much) energy and money into fixing my teen. I am starting to really understand that it's a fools game. He is not ready to change. I can't get out of dealing with the endless grief he causes as he is considered my responsibility in law however I am going to have to stop trying to save him. My question is this, should I spend some money on my own rehab? My relationship is under strain; I struggle to function at work; I have anxiety and I have suffered what I can only describe as a bereavement caused by the rapid deterioration of my son's behaviour. I mean why did it happen?

Therapy/ counselling is not as popular here as in the US? I am scared I will spend a load of cash just to talk about myself and dwell on my problems. What has been your experience if you have had it? How does it help? I feel like I need advice not just 'listening'.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
If cost us a concern, do you have a NAMI or AlAnon for families?

I know you didn't mention addiction, but AlAnon has helped me learn to detach, set boundaries, let go of what I can't control (I can only control my self).

Also, read the article on detachment near the top of the Parent Emeritus forum. It has so much good information!

I have been in that difficult position, the court expects you to control your child, but we all know it's impossible. You can't be everywhere 24/7.

Ksm
 

Mumunderfire

New Member
If cost us a concern, do you have a NAMI or AlAnon for families?

I know you didn't mention addiction, but AlAnon has helped me learn to detach, set boundaries, let go of what I can't control (I can only control my self).

Also, read the article on detachment near the top of the Parent Emeritus forum. It has so much good information!

I have been in that difficult position, the court expects you to control your child, but we all know it's impossible. You can't be everywhere 24/7.

Ksm
Thanks ksm there is substance misuse involved but that's not the main problem with him. we have groups for pArents of substance misusers I think. i was thinking of going to a private counsellor just because a lot of the problems I hide from people as I don't want them to know what a train wreck it all is. It's expensive but I have thrown a lot of money after my son to no effect so it can't be worse than that....
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I went to a councelor for the reasons you are talking about. I asked her to help me deal with the effect of living with him. She has been a big help is lowering my anxiety and convincing me that i was a good mother who had gone above and beyond. Along with this group she convinced me that i had to stop enabling for his sake. I am still going.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
AlAnon is free...some times train wrecks, shared with others, lose their power over you. There is something powerful and healing in speaking the truth to others, hearing their truths, and realizing you are not alone. The secrets lose their power over you when they are no longer kept in the dark. It has helped me, it took a few meetings til I felt comfortable enough to share. No one is pressured to share anything.

Ksm
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Active Member
Once you gain insight into other people's train wrecks (and trust me, they are more common than you would think), you realize that your situation is really not so different.

Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous along with individual therapy were instrumental in helping me cope with my difficult circumstances, and become a better/stronger/wiser person.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I have been seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction for a few years. I've had three different ones actually since one left for one reason or another.

They have honestly helped me maneuver through my son's addiction and TRY to understand it all. I still do not think that I understand it to be honest.

They helped me realize it's okay to think about myself and to have self compassion. To take care of my marriage. To set firm boundaries with our son.

I only go about once per month now but it helped me cope.
 

Baggy Bags

Active Member
I've been having weekly sessions with the child/teen specialist psychiatrist that diagnosed my son. My son sees a different psychologist, but the specialist has seen him several times and knows him pretty well. This has been invaluable in helping me understand and accept what is going on his head. So, as you say, it's more about advice than someone to listen to me (which I get elsewhere). I don't know if you could arrange for something like that where you are - a specialist getting to know your son and then helping you in how to survive/deal with/manage him.

My mantra is - I will not let this destroy me.
I say it several times a day.
 

Mumunderfire

New Member
Thanks for your replies I feel very down today and this is like a cyber hug. Thanks for sharing with me. I am going to look into it further I don't think I can keep going otherwise. I am feeling like I can't go to work even. I just wish it would go away.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Definitely sending hugs. I have found therapy helpful... especially in helping figuring out specific boundaries and how to deal with specific issues with my son and how they affected me. I have also found a parent alanon group helpful in meeting other good caring parents dealing with the same kind of issues. It helped me to not feel alone snd to let go of the this is my fault feeling. Its definitely time to spend time and money on your own healing.
 
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