There is Just No Help!

[IKeepPraying]

My son is totally out of control. He has been arrested twice, each felonies, does drugs, is totally defiant, disrespectful, dropped out of school, runs away, ignores authority. He is a ticking Time Bomb. I believe that my son suffers from a mental disorder and he has an addiction problem. He is very unhappy and would prefer to live in someone's garage then a nice house. I took everything from this kid as consequences for his actions including his bedroom door, but he doesn't care. He doesn't even care if he gets caught, as long as he is getting what he wants when he wants it he can care less about anything else. I cant get ANY and I mean ANY help.I've looked and called everyone you can imagine and I keep hitting brick walls. I can't force him to get help. I cant force him to stay home, he just walks out of the house. I have reported him as a runaway numerous times. Nothing happens, and he knows it. He knows the system cant and wont do anything to stop him, that is why he continues. I called the police and had to practically FORCE them to arrest my son for bringing drugs into my house just this week. When he comes back home I have to thoroughly search him, I make him strip down to his shorts which again causes a huge fight, but I fell like I have no choice. He steals from us and all his family members. This is just insane, it is like a bad nightmare. My son is 17, he will be 18 in 27 days, I'm at the point that I feel like I have lost...I lost my son....

 

[BusynMember]

Well, welcome here, hon.
Most of us have been where you are and totally understand. It's really hard at his age because, you're right, there is nothing you can do. I had to make my daughter leave at 18 for her to come to her senses and stop using drugs.
Your son may be mentally ill, but he will only get worse if he doesn't stop using drugs, and you can't make him. in my opinion, for your sake and sanity, I'd be looking for alternative living arrangements for when he is 18. If he won't go to rehab, he's just going to give you more of the same because he's an addict and addicts do that. They don't care because their life becomes their drug use (my daughter, who used and is now clean, gave me a total crash course in the drug culture AFTER she quit. She has given me grisly details that make my head reel). Nobody--not you, not the cops, not anyone--can make him stop using but HIM at his age.
I told my daughter she could stay if she went to rehab and got help. She said she'd rather leave, so that's what happened. She didn't really mean it, she was testing me, but I made her leave. I know it doesn't work for all kids, but she did quit--even cut out the cigarettes. I just talked to her tonight--this mess, this budding criminal, is now managing two Fannie Mae Stores and just had a TERRIBLE time with her long time boyfriend and is STILL not back on drugs. In fact, she seems to hate drug use now, even heavy drinking. She is almost 24. She started using drugs at 12 and used them until about 19. I wanted to tell you what we had to do, and to give you hope. Others will come along too. She is still high-strung and I worry about her a lot, but so far she seems determined to live a responsible, decent life. And she was so into drugs that she had tried heroin twice. Glad you're here.

 

[Sunlight]

I have the older brother of your son in my world. what you wrote I could have written when he was the age of your son. so what are your options?

---let him come and go for a roof and food to recouperate from his episodes (hey at least you see him and know he is alive-then again, that is enabling his lifestyle)

----call the cops??? only if he is a danger to you and you have no other choice. believe me, the system CAN and WILL do something to stop him...my son is in state prison for 1-2 for his 4th DUI/following a checkered history of drugs and drinking since age 13. this will catch up to your teflon-don son. his next crisis is just around the corner, dont stand in the way, let it happen. if he gets to jail dont rescue or bail him out. if has already has two underage felonies, I am not sure why he does not have a probation officer or is not incarcerated in a facility already???
~~~~~~~~~~
from a NarcAnon Pamphlet:

Care enough to not care, while this sounds harsh, we cannot continue to worry OURSELVES sick over what they are doing or what is going to happen next. We have our lives to live too and only if we care enough not to care, we can begin to have a life of our own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----ignore him? maybe so. he doesnt listen to you anyways and is a thief in your home and world. so treat him like he is a thief and NOT your son, that little boy you once knew. this is a new creature born of the drug abuse and mental illness.

----Set him down next time he rolls in. dont bother to do the strip search. say this:

You will be 18 soon. On that date my parenting ends. Please prepare as you will no longer be a resident of my home. I love you but must not participate in watching you self destruct. it will be less painful for me if I do not interact with you while you are acting like this. HOWEVER...if you choose to stop this, I will be here, I will only lift you up when you are also lifting up yourself. then ignore all his behaviors with a detached view. lock up your possessions, tell him he can only be in your home with supervision, do not let him have a key, block his windows so he cannot slip in. tell him after 18, if he is in your home, he will be considered as an intruder.

for you:
read these two books, free at the library, both changed my perspective and opened my eyes wide:
Codependent no more by melody beattie
Boundaries by townsend and cloud

go to a few NarcAnon and or ALanon mtgs in your home area, see a counselor to strengthen you. enjoy your own life, go out with friends, play music you love often, take comfort baths, try a hypnotherapist to help you relax- (I did and it worked magic for me!!)most importantly , hand over and entrust the care of your son to God, Nothing--not even your own son and his actions-is impossible for Him. he is the ultimate parent.

I left this forum last October when my son moved into state prison. I needed to learn more about his new life and have since been very active in a forum for Parents With Children in Prison. I still love my son. we have a new relationship. I have my life and he has his. I make my choices, he makes his. we are two seperate people. I am very much at peace. I have not lost my son and neither have you. he is yours for eternity. even if he or you dies, he is YOUR son. you do not own him, however. his life is his, and yours is yours. I stopped in here to make sure of my post of PSST and was drawn to your story, so familiar, I had to take the time to post. been there done that with my son. my son is now 24, has been thru it all. my actions never stopped his. When he does the right thing, he gets to see me or have me in his life, otherwise he is on his own. None of us can control another human being.

you can be at peace no matter what, too. strengthen yourself up and learn how to let him go. he will learn from his own life. you will be enmpowered knowing you re-took control of your own life and home. I now decide how much I will interact in his ADULT choices.
Go get it!

 

[Sunlight]

by the way you are probably going thru some stage of grief over the loss of your little boy as you knew him:

The stages of grief Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

you WILL get to acceptance and you will regain yourself. and now...
Dearest Father God,
Please look upon the family before you. This mother keeps praying, knocking with faith upon your door, looking to you for answers and intervention. Please strengthen her faith and work in her life as well as her son's. Send St Mchael the Archangel with his sword to hold it over this child of hers protecting him from all evil. Send the guardian angel of her son to him to wrap him with wings of peace of mind, and health in body and spirit. Thank you dear Father for being the ultimate parent to us all and for answering our prayers. Breathe your Holy Spirit into the soul of this woman and her child, empowering them to rise up and be strong.
Amen

 

[standswithcourage]

Oh Ants Mom. I am so glad to hear you! Also to the newbie. Your post , I could have written. My son was exactly the same as yours. We went through years of *&&^^ with him. The only times I really thought he was getting help was when he was arrested and on probation. We physically took him to rehab against his will many times - he didnt stay. We told him he couldnt live at home when he was 18 if he continued to use drugs. We gave him lots of chances, took him to doctors, talked to law enforcement, judges, courts, counselors, church, job placement, career counselors at the school (he dropped out too), drug counselors, everything we knew - nothing seemed to happen until he got arrested. Then you have an out - you can suggest to someone - the judge, lawyer, somebody that he needs help - sometimes you get it - he has a felony too - he continued to make bad choices - he is in the city detention center waiting for his court date - he was caught for contributing to the deliquency of a minor - we had let him back in our house for the millionth time and he continued to seek the company of younger kids in the neighborhood - he is 24 - these kids were 15 - they would go fishing in the neighborhood but would also do other things like smoke pot and take pills - my son got caught - the younger kids served house arrest -his Dad and I told him a million times not to hang with them - they were wanting something to do - he wouldnt listen - the younger kids mother called the police and my son has been in jail since Oct. 2007 - we will not bail him out - it is hard - I hope he goes to rehab but he has tow ant to - the time in jail for him has not been that good - it hasnt for me either - but Iknow where he is! Anyway, I compeltely understand - I go to Alanon for my sanity. There people understand and look can look them in the eye and they will comfort you. I have been going for 6 years. I love the prayer ants mom gave - I am going to print it. Keep coming back. We will be here for you.

 

[gottaloveem]

Janet(antsmom) gave you great, and the most practical advice. That is all you can do. Make sure you attend the narcanon and alanon meetings to help you cope.

If you'd like, post often here, we will hold you up as you move forward.

 

[rejectedmom]

I too am a been there done that mom. My son did two years in prison got out and did ok for about 4 months but is drinking again and possibly about to be violated on his parole. He is mentally ill and it is well documented he also has a huge support system that he is in the process of blowing off. If there is one thing I have learned trhough all this it is that we can only lead them to help we cannot force them to partake of it. Bottom line..If your son wanted to straighten up he would agree to getting help. Untill he wants it and is willing to put all his effort into changing, no amount of money or programs is going to do a darn thing.

Take care of yourself try to get your thoughts away fromthe subject often and long enough to have fun and renue yourself daily. Easier said than done for sure but so very inportant for your emotional health. -RM

 

[IKeepPraying]

Thank you so much for all of your posts. Ant'sMom, thank you for your prayer. It brought tears to my eyes. I feel very blessed that I can come here and speak to others that are going through the same. Its painful. My son once again took off today. He took money from my purse and from his little sisters and just walked out when I told him he had to stay. I know he isnt going to come back and I know he is using that money to buy drugs. Its like an on/off switch with him. He was fine last night. Acting very respectful and then it just switched today. I am going to report him missing as soon as I'm done here. He obviously is not coming back. He has been off probabtion for a 1 1/2 yrs, but they do have him in the system. So hopefully they will do more than just a slap on the hand. When I called the police on him last week, I begged them to take him on a 51/50 but they wouldnt