Throwing a Kid out and Cutting Them Off Financially

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Crayola13, Dec 16, 2019.

  1. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I wanted to share something that happened in my town, not to frighten any of you, but so you can be prepared for the worst and have a police officer in the home when you break this news to your adult child. This is probably too gory to describe, but I care about the safety of each of you.

    30-year old son was living off his parents. They put him up in an apartment, paid his college tuition, bought him a car, groceries, etc. He dropped put and his parents said if he wasn't going to work, go to school, or do anything with his life, the money faucet was getting turned off.

    It backfired horribly. Caution before you read the remainder. The kid stabbed both parents to death, dismembered their bodies, boiled the body parts in acid, then proceeded to cook his mom's head in a pot on the stove.

    He's in jail. The attorney General hasn't decided if he will pursue the death penalty.

    Bottom line: Please have a police officer in the house when you break the news.
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  2. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I am going this afternoon to testify at a preliminary hearing AGAINST my adult son who pulled a knife on us at thanksgiving (in a heavy haze of drugs). His prospects are not looking very good at all. While he appears to be remorseful and says the right things, it has occurred to me that I'll need to spend the rest of my life watching my back as a result of this.

    I want to believe he's not capable of that level of violence (or any, for that matter), but I'm sure they believed that also :frown:
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Crayola13, I hear you loud and clear. Just last summer my friend was kicking her 27 year old son out of the house and he pulled a knife on her, she told me she was sure he was going to kill her but just then other people came along and it stopped the madness.
    There was a time that my husband and I thought if our daughter did not cause us major damage she would get someone else to do the dirty work. I also felt extremely threatened when I asked my bipolar mother in law to leave me alone forever. The torment and threatening behavior is so horrid it makes you believe they can stab or shoot you. I thought she may get someone to do her dirty work. Feeling threatened is horrible. I did not feel safe in my own home.. When I decided to get my bipolar in laws out of my life, meaning NO COMMUNICATION at all my life immediately go better fast. Being beat down trying to protect yourself from regular abuse is so obnoxious. I did not know what to do and how to handle it. I went to the library and studied hard on how to work though it. I came to the conclusion that no contact is the ONLY thing that will work for me with certain people with awful disorders.

    When dealing with a disordered person, the very real possibility that they can kill you is very real. The prison is full of people that have killed their parents, wife or siblings.
    I did not take it lightly when we kicked our daughter out. I knew the damage she was capable of.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    A boy I coached years ago stabbed his grandmother while high on meth. He was troubled at 13, but I never imagined he would be capable of such violence at 18. That was in the back of my mind dealing with my own grands explosive rage fits. It was as if he had left his body and rage took over. Then this daily insidiousness began. I was reflecting with sadness and regret on how I was not able to explain to him my decision to have him removed. But, looking back and reading this, I had no other choice. For his safety and ours. It’s awful to think about, but one never knows the reactive impulsive choice a mind troubled with rage makes.
    Stay safe friends.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry, Okay87, this is tough. The truth of the matter is that he did this, I have the same feeling with eldest grand. I have to watch my back. Hopefully your son and my grandson will get the help they need to live a normal productive life. Even still, I will watch my back around my grand.
    Prayers going up for you in court today.
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  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I'm going to put in a good word for not overreacting.

    Although our troubled kids can be dangerous, depending on the kid (not all are potential killers) most murders are not committed by people whom anyone saw as dangerous before they did it. They are crimes of passion, murder for insurance money, school shooters who were NEVER violent at home or in school, people nobody ever dreamed could ever kill, etc.

    We don't allow Kay in our home and never will because she made a very scary threat of violence towards our son. The only thing that saved him from glass in his face and throat was Kay's poor aim. So that was that. But if a wayward child has never shown violence, then I believe he or she is no more apt to hurt us than those who are disturbed privately and don't show it. Are we to always expect the worse? We need to give ourselves a sensible break from worry in my opinion.

    On the other hand, Crayola's story brings up something we CAN avoid...a nasty confrontation under our own roof. I think it is smart NOT to confront your child about his or her new reality in private. To protect ourselves, I feel it is smarter to tell them unpleasantries in a public place. Where other people can help if it gets out of control.

    But even though we can take precautions against our difficult kids, I feel anyone can be capable of violence and that we need not make our fears worse by worrying that our kids may be capable of murder. Unless your child IS violent. That is different.

    We have a zero tolerance regarding violence in our home.

    I think we need to put each story into perspective. We don't need to add to our angst, yet we CAN be smart and cautious when we have to share potentially upsetting information with our more volitile kids.

    God bless you all and try to find peace in your lives.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    67-75% of murderers have a prior arrest record (depending on which charges you include) and many (but not all) are associated with gang activity.

    The mass murderers, school shooters, the nice guy that snaps, the insurance murders, etc are sensational stories, but they are relatively rare.

    Domestic violence murderers account for about 20% of all murders, but the killers largely have prior convictions and/or multiple domestic violence incidents (whether documented or not) before the final assault.

    Can we always see it coming ? No. Especially if the person is on drugs or is desperate for whatever reason.

    But, the likelihood that there have been domestic violence incidents previously in these homes is quite high, whether they were reported to authorities or not.

    If the person has a pattern of violent acting out (whether the police have been called or not) we need to be extra cautious.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more. And we have.

    One way to avoid the same thing happening to us is to keep highly dramatic moments in the public eye, such as at busy restaurants. People are far less likely to explode violently in front of strangers.

    It is also sometimes hurtfully necessary to bar our kids from our homes all the time and only see them in public places. We did this for years and as long as we gave things to Kay, she did not complain. Once we stopped she suddenly plastered this all over social media.How we only visit her in public. How we are ashamed of her. How we don't consider her our daughter. It didn't matter as long as we paid her bills.

    Could she kill us?

    I don't know.

    Do all of us have to think about this? I'm not sure. Not all of our kids have ever displayed violence.

    The thing that came to me after reading the horrific episode is, at least for me, "Don't panic. But be vigilant."

    So sad that things like this even has to cross our minds.

    Be well.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Very scary story.

    I think that when people use drugs, bad things happen.

    So many of the stories we see on TV are due to substance abuse. I'd say most.

    You do drugs, you can't work, you need money to buy more drugs. You steal. You do whatever you need to do to feed the habit.

    It's a living nightmare.
  10. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    There is no predicting what our DCs will do. I am the target with my daughter and I am having a difficult time right now, because a recent exchange has led me to finally decide to block her. That said, my sister and son do not want me to do that, but my best friend says I haven't a choice if I want to save my own sanity. I am always confused. I do not trust my Difficult Child one bit. I am afraid of her. It is good that you are now aware and be vigilant of your safety.
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Blindsided, the only one who decides who you block is YOU. You don't have to answer to others about what you can handle. Your sister and son can talk to her all day long. They don't get the stuff Mom gets from her. You don't have to ask for opinions.

    Stay strong!!
  12. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    This is the exact reason I might go to my moms for Christmas. I want to take a stand against my adult alcoholic brother but dont want him to hurt my parents. I get him out and she let's him in. Terrified to cause drama.
  13. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Gosh, this is not something I often think of, honestly. Not with my daughter. I worry about her hurting herself or other people (physically), but she's more emotionally abusive and destructive to property. But now as I type this, she did try to kick her brother's friend's door in when she was mad, so who knows. She can be violent.

    I worry about my grand's alleged father. He does have a history of abuse (to my daughter), grew up with abuse in the home, and can get violent. He is angry at us. I won't be in the home alone with him at all.
  14. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I think at some level all of us here have dealt with the thought that our dcs have the potential for violence either drug induced or mental illness induced. We all take measures to stay safe. Many by keeping our sons\ daughters out of our homes. Some of us pray. That is all we can do and worrying constantly and reading horror stories does not help. I am not saying not to take measures to stay safe but do not focus on this to the point of driving yourself crazy.