Time to take a step...over several steps...back

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    After a series of events the last two or three days, I've decided that I need to be more of a spectator of my son's bipolar meth-addicted drama and chaos than an active participant. There is literally nothing I can do for him at this point other than send him money and I haven't done that since I had my aha moment, that for every time I bailed him out of a situation he turned around and put himself back in that same situation and expected me to bail him out over and over and over. Two or three months ago I finally hit the proverbial wall and said no more.

    I'll always give him an ear, a shoulder, or advice (but only when he asks for it) but not another dime until he starts to take steps to get treatment for his bipolar and his addiction. And after today I won't even continue chasing leads and calling possible treatment centers. He is perfectly capable of picking up the phone and making those calls himself. I'll send him information if I run across any, but what he does with that information is entirely up to him.

    If I had the money (which I don't), I could get him the best care available in the best facility in the world that address both addiction and mental disorders, but if he's not ready to admit he has a problem and needs help, and then takes that help seriously, it would be a waste of my money and the facility's resources.

    I'll never give up on hoping and praying he can get a grip and get his life under some kind of control, but until he does, I'm done with anything other than that, because his idea of "help" and mine are completely different.
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Laura

    I went to an AA meeting a few months ago, out of curiosity. There was a very articulate young man there. I was impressed. A friend told me later that I would not have recognized him had I met him before. She said he was psychotic. Off the wall. The worst case. Drug-addled.

    Something had happened to push him into treatment. Perhaps it was court-ordered. I think it was. He was in an outpatient County treatment program and attended meetings every day. Except for how earnest and sincere he was, and of course, his testimony, I would never have guessed he had had a serious problem. He was lucid. Self-aware. Intelligent. Warm. (Writing about him makes me want to go back to the meeting.) The really remarkable thing is that he had only recently turned the corner. A matter of weeks.

    I am writing this because this can all change on a dime. They can stop. And they do. They can change.

    The thing is like you say. WE cannot change them. We can only be there for them, when and if they do.

    Take care.
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    Last edited: Oct 18, 2018
  3. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Laura, I've come to pretty much the exact same place and conclusion as you. No more money. No more actively trying to find solutions and programs for them that they won't use. But keeping the communication lines open. An ear, a shoulder, advice if asked, as you say above.

    It's not easy to step back and admit that it is out of our hands. But I feel more peaceful since taking this approach. I hope you do, too.
  4. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    You're right, it's not easy, and I still find myself checking on this or googling that but then I stop and think about what I'm doing. If I find a website with information about a program or coping skills I will forward that site to my son to do whatever he wants with it. Right at this moment I'm a feeling a little numb and said that it had to come to this, but at the same time I feel a peace that I haven't felt in quite a while. I still lay awake thinking of what could be and what might happen but I don't toss and turn, I just think about things for a while and then fall asleep. If that makes any sense. And it is completely out of our hands. Now it's strictly in our loved ones' hands and God's, or whatever you perceive a higher power to be, if you believe in a higher power. Wishing you and your loved ones all the best through this journey that affects us all.