Tired & Frustrated of Being Tired & Frustrated

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ChickPea, Nov 23, 2019.

  1. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    The past 48 hours have been so difficult for me. Please forgive me while I vent a bit.

    I've been doing so much better with staying in my lane, focusing on my joys, taking care of myself. I'm really kind of enjoying the process of self-care - intentional caring for ME. Not just my weight, or outward things, but personal development. It's hard to put to words, but it's closer to a spiritual rebirth in some ways. Might sound super hokey, I know. But I've really lost myself for years and years. Some for just the regular reasons (raising children, etc.) and some because I've been living in a state of emergency - panic, moment-to-moment, and it became my normal level of function.

    It's going to take me years to dig out of this, I know. But I'm feeling ready-ish.

    And you know, every time you take a step forward, something pulls you back a few.

    My daughter has been on a rather vicious rampage the last few days. She's been spending more time with her abusive/manipulate ex coupled with more time partaking in smoking blunts. Her chemical make-up does NOT do well with MJ. Never has. Makes her cold, mean, and childish.

    So she's enjoyed ripping me apart through text, phone calls.

    She wants to take her son (who we have had 24/7 since birth - a year now) over to her toxic/abusive ex's place for a fun little visit. She wants to give him "chances" suddenly even though they had an altercation a few short months ago where the cops were called and no-contact orders were in place. She says we are controlling everything, and it should not be that way. She is the MOM. Bla, bla, bla. She can't wait until she can get our guardianship revoked.

    Anything I say to inject reason falls on dead ears, so I just copy/pasted what she has said about her toxic, abusive ex in the past, and sent it back to her so she could see that she actually said it and not me (she's a bit delusional thinking that I am the one who put these ideas in her mind about him being an unsafe person ???), and just stopped talking to her.

    If she could just continue prostituting she would; she sees nothing wrong with it. Why work at 9-5?
    She likes her weed; she sees nothing wrong with it. It calms her anxiety when she's smoking.

    It's just so exhausting. I'm tired. She doesn't care that a family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, or that we are facing some other medical concerns. It's all about her. But there is SO MUCH going on in our lives besides her self-inflicted cow manure.

    I guess today I'm just frustrated and feeling the sucky-ness of it all.

    I think she's uncomfortable with all of the holidays and family stuff that's going to happen in the next few weeks, and it is hitting her that she didn't get her stuff together like she said she would. So she's setting off bombs to deflect from that. But it doesn't make it any easier.
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  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so sorry, ChickPea. You sound exhausted. What an impossible situation. You have the guardianship for a reason which your daughter seems to forget about when it seems to serve her. I am sending you strength for one day at a time. I am glad to hear you are engaging in self care. That is really all we can do .
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  3. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you hon.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I’m sorry for your stress. In Al anon we are told that the addict creates crisis to divert attention away from their addiction. When you’re in the middle of it, similar to a hurricane or tornado, you don’t see it.
    Try stepping away from her problems (again). Nurture yourself, care for yourself and love yourself. You know that’s the right path to take. For myself I sometimes get confused and think I’m more caring if I throw myself into adult child’s problems and participate in all the anxiety, worry and fear that goes with it. In reality that doesn’t do any of us any good.

    it has taken most of us years to get this “sick”, from our adult children’s issues and ex husband’s alcoholism, in my case and it’s going to take a while to get better. Stay the course. Be strong and try to focus on how far you’ve come and not so much on how far you have to go.

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  5. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you, JP. I appreciate the reminder. You are so very right.
    Sometimes it's just needed to hear it from someone else.
  6. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    It's hard to understand how our DCs act. We didnt want any of that for them. I so get it. I could have easily discussed my feelings the way you have. Thank you for sharing.

    Healing wishes for you.
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  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    "So she's enjoyed ripping me apart through text, phone calls."

    I hope you have blocked her. I have begun blocking my son when he is mean or visious and i think at least he makes an effort to keep it under control when i unblock. He is blocked right now. You don't need to hear it anyway. I am glad you are not allowing her to bully you into taking the baby into a possibly dangerous situation. I don't understand why she would go back to abuse. It seems it is always all about them. I get sick of that too especially when it comes to his daughter. He cares about her when it is convienient for him. You need to take some time to deal with your health issues and those of your family.
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    Last edited: Nov 24, 2019
  8. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    The part where it is convenient resonates. My daughter is like that. I mean, I know she loves her son, but she also hasn't seen him for a week, making excuses for why she can't, but then yelling at me because she doesn't see him.

    I haven't blocked her. I guess I'm not there yet. I can physically put my phone away, but I haven't blocked her yet at this point.

    TNT... yes, I need to stop the train and re-route my focus again. I need that strength to get through the week ahead and be able to enjoy it as well. I hope I can do that.
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear ChickPea:
    Honestly. I think there's only one right answer and response to this, and it is to choose to not partake. Why would you walk into a tornado, grab hold onto a ceiling fan, put your fingers into a running mixer (I did this and I never forgot)?

    It's no different from any kind of abuse, from anybody. When people treat us badly and we don't walk in the other direction, the problem is our own not theirs.
    What's the word for this? Oxymoron? When one word at once means the opposite? A fun little visit equals abuse.

    She is talking nuts. There's no way a person in the normal range can engage in this kind of conversation or worldview. It's like Gulliver's Travels or Oz, or some other fantasy world where up is down and down is up. Again, the answer is in you, to NOT enter into this place with her. To do so is to become disoriented, confused. Why would we take this on? You have clarity about your life, your values, your conduct, your purpose.

    What consistently confuses and disorients us is our love for children who we are programmed to chase into the netherworld, because this is how we have understood love. Think Runaway Bunny. Our purpose here is to find a way to love adults who are no longer children, but who act that way. We can't do it the old way.
    Of course there is logic to this in the psychic and physical world in which she lives. The thing is, our children force us to deal with their world, while they reject or subvert ours. This is why so many of us are forced to sever contact, because it comes down to having to choose between worlds. Many of us come to see that the worlds our children choose to inhabit are incompatible with what we know and are.
    I think there are moments when the awareness of her craziness and moral compromise enters into her consciousness. And even she can't stand it. She sets off bombs to obscure this clarity. To divert her own attention, not yours.

    But how does it help, really, to understand, if the basic situation remains the same. You have a baby to raise, a self to recover, a family to sustain. And daughter makes "bombs blasting mid-air" when she's not busy living la vida loca. This is her reality.

    To the extent it's yours, it robs you of strength, calm. and even safety. She threatens you. She threatens the baby. This is very, very hard to bear. I feel it in the pit of my stomach as I write. I can't imagine how it must feel for you. I am sorry.
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2019
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Chick Pea,

    What legal obligations are you under to allow your daughter access to her child/keep her in the loop?

    I think I would do whatever you are minimally obligated to do, and no more.

    If she is entitled to supervised visitation, can it be in a neutral place, preferably with you and a social worker rather than in your home alone where she can make threats and unreasonable demands while ignoring her child?
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  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Chick Pea

    I'm so sorry! You don't deserve this at all and I do hope you are able to minimize it.

    It sounds like you are one foot in on getting past this and taking care of you!! Put that other foot in!!

    I agree with AppleCori. Do the bare minimum. She is not in a state to appreciate her child and no way does her boyfriend deserve any access to him!

    Hugs and stay strong.
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  12. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    To choose not to partake. Choose not to partake, choose not to partake. (Mantra to self.)
    Once I stopped engaging with her, it was better.

    I think it has been our normal, and there is guilt and fear, and I got sucked in. It's HER normal, I do not want it to be mine. But it ruined about 48 hours of my life - maybe more because I still find myself just drained today in a way that coffee and walking and napping can't touch.

    I think I got sucked in out of fear... fear of what she would do, what she might ruin (Thanksgiving, family engagements, etc.). She lies to him and his family and tells them that she is doing way more than she is with the baby. She doesn't want to ruin that lie, so she'd rather take him into an unsafe situation than admit the truth about anything.

    Thanks for your words. It does feel horrible. Not all the time, but sometimes it's hard to feel any other way.

    It's kind of gray, honestly. The police that came when she called a month or so ago said that she would need to go to court and get ordered custody if that was what she wanted. I don't understand it, but that's what we have been told. The people at probate and family courts can't give advice, but they can give other answers, and they said we did (and are doing) nothing wrong, and we are doing well to protect him from this chaos and turmoil. We are in a good place because we have guardianship.

    If there were supervised visits, I would much rather them not be here, and would much rather them be with a social worker.

    I think it's a bit hard for me to see the situation for what it is at times. Her decisions and behaviors have changed her access to our home, and also to the baby (based on what we've determined is best for him). His placement here was her idea to keep him safe from the father, and to provide support for her. But it quickly spiraled into us giving full-time care, and also keeping things stable and safe for him despite what was going on with HER.

    Thanks for the encouragement. I do appreciate it, especially on a day like today.
  13. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Chick Pea, I'm so sorry this is happening. My heart goes out to you.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a war zone - even when things are quiet, I'm waiting for the next bomb to drop. I'm so sorry your daughter is hurling grenades at you right now.

    Sending you love and strength to weather the storm.
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  14. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you Miss Lulu. I appreciate it.
    I hate that feeling - waiting for the next bomb.

    Today she has been respectful and is humming a different tune (which is honestly making my husband and I even more suspicious). I swear.
  15. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    ChickPea, I've read through your and all the posts, and just wanted throw my verbal "hug" in too. Our son views us a nothing more than a vending machine for money so I understand the hurt and anger and anxiety you were thrust into. I'm sorry for this. I agree with what others said about disengaging and not participating. It is so EASY to jump into their chaos and drama and get carried downstream with it, but it's what we have to do to even survive let alone thrive in our lives. I'm facing the same here. Praying God's peace and comfort and WISDOM will be yours in great abundance.
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  16. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Oh Beta. Thank you. I'm sorry for your similar position. Prayers for peace, comfort, and wisdom for you as well. She had her phone services cut off today, so she likely won't be able to reach out in the same way. Hugs back to you.