Tough decisions, setting boundaries...

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Gail, Oct 27, 2017.

  1. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    My first post notes how my son has manipulated, lied, cheated, stole,and kept things secret. He was. "suicidal" when his electricity bill was past due. I had him assessed and he was hospitalized. During that time is when I found out about spending $1000 on porn when he should have been paying his rent and looking for a job. I told him he was not going to stay with me because of all of this. While I telling him, he hung up on me. This was Monday night. Now the hospital is looking to discharge him. He has a plan to go to Louisville with his. Dad. Prior to that he needs an interim stay. So, he called up, apologizing, crying, not really giving any explanation, except, I thought I could still do that (the porn) ....while unemployed and rent not being paid. So he is asking to stay with me until Nov 7th. I told him last night, I would have to think and pray on this....that it may be a yes, but not sure.
    So a friend prayed with me last night and I got a good rest. I said a prayer this a.m. and came to this site for guidance. As I am writing, I see the. "writing on the wall".
    NO, I CANNOT PICK YOU UP. His friend and his Mom are not going to let him stay at their place. So, I think the best thing is for him to go to the shelter. We have some things to work out and I can get him next weekend, but not through this week. I do not want tp punish my son, yet he has shown no regard for mine. my friends, or my family's feelings, so I think to take him in this week would be sending the message that I do not care for myself, that all you have to do is cry some crocodile tears, and Mommy will swoop down and take care of everything. BUT, NOT THIS TIME. Even though it is just a few days, I think he needs a taste of what happens when one lies, cheats , steals, and keeps things hidden.
    So, writing this out helps me make that decision. Any feedback &/or support would be highly appreciated. Gail
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Setting boundaries and expectations is not punishment.
    This is a very difficult decision.
    I can not tell you what to do however, you will find great wisdom and examples on this site.

    You are. It alone. I wish you well in your decision.
    I have asked my son to leave recently. It was not an easy decision but it was a healthy one for all of us.
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Gail, I am praying for you and send you strength through prayer. I was a push over to my bipolar daughter for many years. I kept taking her abuse because I had no idea how to make it stop. By asking her to leave and by not letting her move back in with me, it told her I was done with her crap. My daughter is now 35. We had a few months where I thought she had straighten out but in reality she just became better and more clever on how she can rip me off. My daughter is very intelligent so her ways of ripping me off are things I have never thought about. So in my mind, she is intelligent enough to find elaborate ways on how to steal from me, she is intelligent enough to make things work out for herself. I know how hard this is and it is so hurting to the bone. I looked in the mirror today and I do not recognize the woman I see, my daughter has beat me down again but this time I do have a plan and the loss will not be as bad because I have set plan B. It seems I have to be in a confrence with God daily to find ways to protect myself from a preditor that I love but need to disconnect from. To think I gave birth to a person that thinks it is ok to do what she does is beyond me. I keep telling myself that we are not all perfect, that we all make mistakes but her mistakes are gut wrentching.
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gail, I believe you've made the right decision. Your son is 32 years old, it is time for him to face the consequences of his choices. You've been paying for his lifestyle and you've been held hostage by his choices, as many here have been. There comes a point for most of us where we have to recognize that we did not cause this, we can't control it and we cannot change it. It appears you've reached that point.

    If you haven't already it may be a good time to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    If our adult kids do not ever suffer the consequences of their behavior, they never learn how to change, there is no reason to. We are the ones who must change and what that often means is to stop enabling bad behavior, to set strong boundaries, to say no as a complete sentence, to let go, to detach and to accept what we cannot change.

    Many of our kids live in shelters. Your son will only be there for a short time. It may be just enough for him to begin to shift his behavior. Or not. But either way, it's his behavior which lead him there, not yours.

    You sound realistic and ready to focus on yourself, which is a healthy and positive choice. Often we become depleted, exhausted and anxious because we cease to take care of ourselves, all of our attention is on our kids.......over time that is a recipe for serious depression. Take care of YOU now.
  5. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Gail what age did this start? My son is 15 and hard to believe this had been goin on the past 2 years & only getting worst, I fear that this will go on for many more :( he’s been to mental / behavioral hospitals, residential rehab treatments but got kicked out for fighting,he’s seen mutiple therapists..He is distrustful, disrespectful, has taken xanez, weed, please any advice , Im helpless at this point, Its draining , emotionally & mentally :(
  6. Madonna

    Madonna New Member

  7. Madonna

    Madonna New Member

    Hang in there. I know it hurts. I have been like you and I to am trying to let go.
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I started having trouble with my son in 5th grade he is now 36. I enabled him far too long. Not that we didn't try rehabs, residential, in patient 302. But what i didn't do was consistently have strong boundaries.
  9. dainty

    dainty Live Laugh Love

    I am so sorry you have to go thru this. While this breaks my heart, I try and remember that they are mentally ill and things don't "work" normally for them. You didn't give birth to a bad person, you gave birth to a person mentally ill. I wish you well xoxoxo
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  10. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you for your supportive comments. It has been hard to detach from Ryan. There is still wreckage he has left behind; however, we are
    on speaking terms ( talked to each other on Easter). I think he is still in a lot of denial and it will take some time, I suppose, for him to really grasp what he has done & how it has affected others. I think he knows on some level, but is afraid to explore it and face up to it.

    I wish you the best with your kids. If you ever need anything, just let me
    know. I am here for you.
  11. Silver Anniversary

    Silver Anniversary New Member

    Where is the link to the article?
  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Go to forums and emeritus and you will see it. This is an old post.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member