Tryin to hang in.

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
My worst fear . My son is on house arrest and all cases finally settled after years of court dates. Because of the psychiatric report they gave him a house arrest plea and no felony. Then the kicker he was already behind on his rent and missed alot of work for court now his P.O. Isn't letting him work so he has been evicted. Which means he will have to do the jail time. I am trying not to pay the rent because i really don't have it. But feel bad cause i think he was trying. I know i cant have him here. It is just so frustrating. He had court ordered treatment in Jan. I don't know if that will happen now.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I'm surprised he's not allowed to work. In my city, they require people work while under house arrest, but they aren't allowed to go anywhere else. They have to wear an ankle monitor with a GPS to make sure work is the only place they go.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
Maybe he is considered a flight risk. Or they dont trust hum to go to work. Of course they do have a GPS attached....

I am so sorry. Is he staying with you? I worked with a guy on house arrest and he stayed with his brother. It must be harder if he is with you.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
No he is not with me. He is supposed to be allowed to work but his po is making it very difficult. He had to beg him to let him go to a hearing.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
Latest he asked me for money for the rent and said he should be able to work in January. His uncle said he would give him work when he could. We told him we can't help we don't have it. His rent was behind before he went on probation and to be honest i am not sure he is going to be able to pay it when he does work and he will try the bank of mom again. My husband has had it and i ask him to tell my son we can't help. This means jail time for him, he says 2 yrs, so i feel very guilty and at the same time i am tired of destroying my credit and not being able to get things like carpet that i need or furniture. I also over indulge his kids because he doesnt pay child support. I am so tired. Did i do the right thing or am i just being selfish.
 

DoneDad

Well-Known Member
If he has to do jail time, whose fault is that? Did you force him to commit crimes? Constantly giving him money (that you need for yourself) is a never ending cycle, and in the end it’s not helping him or you. Maybe going to jail then getting out and starting over is what he needs.

You need to take care of yourself. Practice saying something like, “I’m sorry about that, but we’re not able to help you.” If he tries to argue or manipulate you, just repeat it. If he keeps going, then “Sorry, gotta go. I know you’ll figure it out. Bye.” click
 

Misssy2

New Member
Why isn't the PO letting him work? I know we love our children and want to see the best in them...especially if they are trying...But was he trying? Why would they not let him work?
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
He is going to let him in Jan. He went on vacation and wanted a months schedule ahead of time and my son couldnt provide it due to type of work. He worked something out with the landlord for now.
 
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Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
Here we go again. Difficult Child gets the eviction worked out his girlfriend is going to move in and will pay this month. Has to be paid by tomorrow and he is going to start working has the required schedule from boss etc. Gets into argument today with said girlfriend and it is off she is not moving in not paying rent. Back to call mom if i dont pay him tomorrow i go to jail for 2 years or on the run. I held my boundary and said i don't have it which i don't without hitting retirement or maxing out a credit card. The guilt is sinking in. I know i can't allow this. I don't want him to go to jail but i don't but i know if i pay this next month it will be same. He is 37 and i have to stop. But i keep thinking is 600 dollars worth sending him to jail. My husband says we will not help.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
If he is on drugs or just not seeing good people or growing up, yes. He will be clean, have three hots and a cot, and you wont have to worry that he is out in the streets.

I told my own kids that they ever got into legal trouble I will not help....I will let t hem face the full consequences. I meant it.

I am not you. But you asked.

I turned my daughter in for smoking pot iny house and when she was on parole.....no lawyer. I made her leave our house at 19 with no money from us for refusing to quit meth and cocaine.

She had a place to stay as long as she broke no rules there. NO rules or she was out. She didnt want to be on the street so she broke no rules.

She had to work for every dime and walk to work and back in Chicagos cold winter. No rides. No money for buses. She was about a mile away but working was a necessity. No drugs or cigarettes in this house. She quit both. Cooking and cleaning. She did them. She changed her life.

She quit.

So would I let a child of mine who acts up at the middle age of 37 go to jail for $600? Um, absolutely.

I would think it was the only way to possibly wake him up. I would have gone hard on him from early on, not to be mean, but to show him that bad, childish, immature, criminal behavior is NOT comfortable. But its never too late.

In jail, if he went, your son wouldnt be there for just $600 anyway.

He would be there for all the lousy choices he made in his llfe, for not acting more mature, for all criminal things he ever did and got off with, and for not learning from or appreciating all the breaks he has been given from you. He expects it now at age 37. Thats sad. For him. For you. At almost 40.

He is not a boy at all. He is a grown criminal. Nothing will change if you dont change how you respond to him.

I would let him go to jail and hope he hates it enough to think about his lousy choices that landed him there .

If you dont, then expect more of the same until you are no longer here. Then he will probably finally end up in jail, even prison.

I hate to sound so rough. It is what I really think. Others may feel differently.


Love and light! Stand strong

.
 
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Elsi

Active Member
These are the hardest situations for me - when it feels like one more sacrifice on our part may be able to save them from a huge disaster, and withholding it feels so stingy or cruel. But SWOT is right. He’s not going to jail over $600. He would be going to jail (if it happens) as the culmination of a whole series of poor choices and decisions. Lacking the $600 he needs to keep himself out of jail is just the latest symptom of an ongoing problem in his life. Yes, it seems like he is trying right now - of course he is, he doesn’t want to go to jail. Without the Immediate threat of jail, would he be trying? And if he gets through this crisis, what will he do to ensure there is no next time? Will there be another crisis the next month, or the month after? And what will you do then? Keep throwing money at each one to prevent the looming disaster?

I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t be tempted to scrape the $600 together somehow in your shoes. I’ve been down that road before, and I understand how hard it is to say no. But looking back - it has almost never helped, long term. It always seems to end up with more money needed later, or the bad thing happening anyway even after I threw money at it.

In a way, not having it makes the decision much easier. You’ve told him clearly from the beginning you don’t have money for him. If you come up with it now, what does that tell him? That you were lying about not really having it? That if he begs hard enough he can get you to change your tune?

What would he do if you and your husband were no longer around to Ask? Where would he go then? Are there other options he’s not considering because asking mom is easy?

Don’t feel guilty for standing by your no. Especially since saying yes would harm you financially. You did not put him in this situation. And teaching him that you are always an option to come to for rescue is not the best lesson. I’m sorry it has come to this, but it is not your fault, or you’re responsibility.
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
Difficult Child gets the eviction worked out his girlfriend is going to move in and will pay this month. Has to be paid by tomorrow and he is going to start working has the required schedule from boss etc. Gets into argument today with said girlfriend and it is off she is not moving in not paying rent.
I'm not so sure I even believe him. Maybe she is in and he just figures he can milk the money out of you too.
You are in a tough spot. Good luck.
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I know that you are all right and i appreciate the support. I need to hear from people who understand, that i am doing the right thing. In my heart i know if i do it this time it will be a month or two and he will call again.
 
I can't tell you how many times I have been in your position. The only thing that it has helped to bail him out was he was not in jail/prison , homeless for a short period of time. There is always the next crisis . He is 37 years old and is responsible for himself as you are for yourself. With that in mind you need to be responsible so that you can support yourself .
I know that guilty feeling. For the most part I do have the money to "help" my son a lot of the time but it really hasn't made a difference in any long term way. I could hear my son trying to guilt trip me into paying say " you are going to let me go to jail for 2 years over $600 "I like Elis response that he is not getting locked up for just $600 there are many, many decisions he has made that got him here. Don't give in it's not good for you or him.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Every dollar you pay to solve his problems for him that he created thru consistently choosing poorly ...adds one more brick to the wall he needs to dismantle in order to live well .

Our money does not solve. It does not help
It does not protect. It does not stave off disaster. It does the reverse.

Our money further entrenches and incentivizes bad behavior. It undermines initiative and responsibility. It awards a prize for chaos and self destuction. It subsidizes disorder and immorality. And sloth. And dependency. And self-loathing.

And almost worse? We begin to loathe ourselves as we descend into their chaotic, self destructive, slothful, irresponsible spiral. We become addicted to keeping them from falling further. And in so doing we lose ourselves.

We bend so far we fall in.
 
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Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
Beautifully stated copa and meaningful. You are right. Overcome mom you too are absolutely right you seem to know how i feel. I am holding strong on the rent.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I don't know what state you are in, but in mine evictions are not that fast. If you haven't paid the rent, the landlord still has to file in court and ask the court to evict. There is no self-help eviction. The landlord can't come in and put you out or order you out on the street. The landlord can't call the cops and have them put you out, without a court order. In fact, if you come up with the back rent by the court date, the court will not evict in my state. I even had a court order to put a renter out once and when the date came and they didn't move, the court STILL refused to let me send the sheriff without giving the woman ANOTHER court date!

I guess what I'm saying, is he may not be homeless as quickly as he's thinking. If he refuses to move out the landlord has to take legal action to put him out and that buys him time.

For that matter, if he has to go to jail simply because he's homeless...that seems wrong too. Maybe his lawyer (public defender?) can do something about that. I know you can't be on house arrest without a house...but maybe if he finds another place - a room share or something - they'll let him use that?

Of course, I'm in only one of 50 states and your laws may be different.

If you don't have it you don't have it. What's to keep him from just doing this over and over? If he were that desperate maybe he should have placated the girlfriend until the deal was done? I suggest he call her up and kiss her posterior big time. You have nothing to feel guilty for, though I know the feeling well.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
I agree with Elsi and Copa. Very wise words that I need to hear too. My son isn't on drugs (as far as we know, which isn't much) but he has the mindset of a manipulative criminal in the way he lives.
I say stand strong with your refusal to bail him out. Sometimes when we have helped our son, it was almost more for our sake than his, just needing to not feel the anguish of seeing his life going down the tank.
 
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