Trying to cope

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Dallas, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

    Hi, I am new here. My AS just turned 37, hes in county jail. This is probaby the 5th time, but this time I did not bail him out. He was in a halfway home program and graduated after 6 or 7 months, then was chosen for an apartment sober program, he made it for 2 weeks then as he calls it, he "slipped". He got kicked out into the streets which he knew would happen, then went to his ex house, who has a stay away order against him. This is why he was arrested. I have been dealing with his addiction for 18 yrs and just kicked him out last summer. He has stolen from me, so high I had to babysit him, you know how it gets. I have now been trying to take care of me, I am feeling a little stronger. What is sad for me is when I talk to my son and he is sober. He knows he cannot come and live with me, he has no where to go when he gets out of jail. This is what bothers me the most. It makes me very sad. Unsure how anyone got through somethjng like this? Thanks for listening.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Dallas

    In my area there are programs through the Rescue Mission for indigent people such as a sober living home, treatment options, and where room and board are free. There are also Salvation Army rehab programs (and Teen Adult Challenge and Victory Outreach, and others) that have similar arrangements. This is where men and women go when they want to stop drugs and alcohol. If they do not want to stop, they stay far away, as the need for sobriety and following rules, cramps their style.

    There are options for your son if he wants to recover. In jail he is likely off drugs. He can choose to keep it that way, by going to one of these options. He does have places where he can go.

    If he wants your help, ask him if he wants you to contact by phone various programs, to identify options. Maybe you can find one that will accept him right out of the gate.

    You are NOT his only option. Far from it. But you are likely the easiest one.

    Take care.
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    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Hi Dallas- Sorry you have to be here, but everyone here understands. I kicked my alcoholic daughter out of my house when she was 19 and had an infant. She had nowhere to go. I know how stressful it is. I'm glad your son is understanding of it. My daughter was a raving lunatic blaming all her problems on me. But that was nearly 10 years ago and things are better, but still not perfect. It was a long process for me to get to the point I am now, where I can deal with whatever craziness my daughter does and not lose my own sanity and health along the way. When I am having a hard time I treat myself as kindly as I would a friend going through the same thing. Being understanding of myself and letting myself get through the process of grieving, being sad, just being upset really helps. I also do nice things for myself to keep myself busy. I go to movies, I spend a lot of time walking in nature with my dogs, I go have a drink with friends, I color, whatever I feel like doing. Over the years I have become pretty selfish, which I needed. I used to put everyone else first. Now it's me first and I have no problem saying no. It sounds like you are on the right path, difficult as it. Give yourself time and focus on you and slowly but surely you will start feeling better. You will learn ways to manage your worry and stress about your son. Try and remember he is an adult and he has to walk his own path, whatever that looks like. Sending you peace.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Dallas and welcome. I have a similar story with the exception that my daughter has never made it into a program. She has done two short jail terms and each time begged to come home “otherwise she will end up back on the streets doing what she does.” Right now she is out and off on a bender, with a bench warrant. I am not blaming myself for not taking her in, she did find a sober living house, and spent less than a day there.
    I only hear from her when she is in jail.
    The past holiday season was hard, because she was calling almost daily and I was at the edge of the rabbit hole thinking that maybe she could stay with me until a space opened up in rehab. Quoting bible verses and telling me she wanted to get better, take care of her kids, that she needed me to love her unconditionally. Of course, that meant let her come live with me.
    There are places our addicted, using adult children can go to, Copa is right, we are not the only alternative.
    We are the easy go to.
    They don’t want to follow rules. Rehabs, shelters, sober homes have rules. We do too,but we know how that goes.
    I swear I have ptsd from all of the drama and chaos that occurred when my two daughters were in and out of my home as we desperately tried to “help” them. They didn’t get better, they dug in deeper with drugs, stole from us, robbed our lives of precious time and destroyed the peace in our home. It was that horrible. The memories snap me back to the reality that I love my two with all my heart, but I am not the one to rescue them from their own choices. My youngest daughter tells me “Mom, we can’t keep doing the same thing hoping for different results.”
    So true.
    I actually view jail as the best place for my daughter. At least I know where she is. It is a chance for her to look at her choices and see if she wants to continue on this path of self destruction. I know the transition from the extremely structured living in prison to being let out is difficult. It all boils down to choices. I too, was upset that there was nothing available for my daughter fresh out of jail. She signed onto a very restrictive probation program in order to be released. She has to phone in daily and submit to random drug tests. Seems like a set up for failure, I thought. How can a person with no clothes, no money, no phone, do this? I started to feel badly for her, dumped on the streets, no where to go. She called me when she got out, crying that she didn’t have any id, (so she did have a phone), I encouraged her to call her probation officer and let her know her situation. She was applied for rehab, but had to wait for space, they would be able to get all of her documents for her. She never stepped foot in the door, this time. I still have hope that one day, she will find her true potential. I just know that I am not the one to rescue her. She has to stop putting that on me. I have to stop putting that on myself.
    This is not selfish, Eliz, guys, it’s called self love. Something we want our adult kids to embrace. Looking after our own well being is not a selfish thing, it is integral to our not only surviving, but striving to live a joyful, peaceful, best rest of our years. We gave our children what we could as they were growing up, often putting our own needs on the side to care for them. Learning to let go and let them learn from their choices is hard enough, when things go haywire and adult kids go off the rails it’s even harder. We get desperate for change when in reality, we have absolutely no control over another human being. My two blamed their choices on me, I fell into rewinding the tapes and thinking “if only I had done this, or that.” Our wayward kids grab hold of those emotional reins and drive us right where they want us. They latch on to our propensity to give our all, to put our lives on hold for them. They tug and tug and tug at our heartstrings until we are spent emotionally and physically. I am blessed to have my young son snap me into action. I couldn’t fall apart, because I had to keep it together for him.
    My two are using meth and not right in their minds. They are toxic to be around. Addiction is a selfish beast, sucking the life out of users and anyone who will try to lend a hand. It is not selfish to say no. No you can’t live with me, you don’t get help here. No, I will not give you money. No, I will not let addiction have me in it’s grip.
    I am sorry for your troubled heart Dallas. I know that feeling so very well. My daughter, your son, our wayward adult kids have to realize that using is not worth the consequences. My daughters probation officer called me a few months back. (Mind you, I have absolutely no experience with courts, jail, not even a traffic or parking ticket). She was looking for Tornado, who lied and said she was living with me. I let it all out (poor lady) explaining to her that I had promised my son, and myself that I would not allow her to live in my home because of her drug use and everything we had been through. She was very kind and told me it was the right thing to do, that I shouldn’t enable her, she needed to decide to get clean and that it may take a while.
    Although the system is taxed, if a person wants to better their lives, they can. All I can do is let my daughters know that I love them, the rest is up to them.
    I wish you and all of us peace even when our kids are out there, doing God only knows what. I have had to give my two over to my higher power, knowing fully that I have no control over their lives. I do have some control over my own life and a big part of that, is standing up and saying no. For them, and for my own health and sanity.
    Love says no.
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  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Dallas,

    So I can only share what I have done to help me cope. My son is 27 has been in many rehabs, has spent time in jail, he has lived on the streets et etc. We have been dealing with this for more than 10 years. In the early days I felt obsessed with what was going on with him.

    So first of all I found a wonderful parents alanon group. It has been a huge help to find other live parents dealing with the same thing. Finding that support has truly helped save my sanity. As much as I love my regular friends it is really helpful knowing other good parents who face the same challenges.

    And then I started to build my life with things I like to do. I started playing serious bridge..... and this has been another life saver for me. It is something that I love to do and in the process I have met a whole lot of great people and made some really good friends. Our connection was something other than our kids. So although the people who have become good friends know the situation with my son, it is not at all the focus of our relationship. Finding something I love to do, that occupies my time and my mind has been hugely helpful so that now I am really enjoying my life.....and at times still really worry about my son but it is nothing like it was.

  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I love Bridge!!
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Wow Copa we have that in common. Do you play duplicate? I have found that I cant play good bridge and worry abaout my son at the same time.... so when things are bad it really takes me away from it.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Copa - Sounds like you played duplicate.... I think it would be great if you went back. It has been a huge plus in my life and I have met some great people. If you started playing maybe we would get a chance to meet at a tournament somewhere!!! I think it is great we have this in common....nice to have something in common besides the problems iwth our sons!!
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    OMG. Wouldn't that be great? To meet. Do you travel to tournaments or are they in the city where you live?

    I don't think I would ever be good enough to compete. But I would sure love to. My teacher said I was really, really good, but that was 12 years ago, and she also said it was a game that for real expertise you needed to start young. I think she started at 45 or so, and she said that was old to start. Interesting isn't it.

    The bridge I learned is where everybody bids their hand. And then only one person of the winning partnership plays both hands, their own and the dummy. Is that duplicate?
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    That is just bridge. Duplicate is a competitive form of the game where several tables play the same hand vs people just getting together and playing socially. It probably is good to start young but a lot of people start when they retire. I learned when I was young but then hardly played at all for 20 years. I really took it up more seriously about 5 years ago.

  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    OK. Now I am remembering. There are like 20 tables. And everybody plays the same hand, in rotation. I am going to look on the website and translate it, to see what I played. This is making me want to play. Yes. It was duplicate. Introdução ao bridge duplicado
  12. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

  13. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

    Thank you all for responding. Reading what you all posted confirms I am doing the right thing and I can think about me and not feel guilty. I desperately want to live my life and be happy, and your right, they call when they need something or messed up and expect us to fix it. Thank you so much!!
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