Trying to get others to join as members...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Pink Elephant, Jul 15, 2018.

  1. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Anyone else (past or present) try and encourage others you know to join this forum?

    Family? Friends? Others?

    Were you successful or unsuccessful?

    I've tried and keep trying to get my sister-in-law, Marlene, onboard. She's pretty much exactly the same as me in every way, and shares the same interests that we all do here, so I know she'd make for a wonderful addition to the boards.

    If you're reading, Marlene, and I know you do/are (LOL)... we need you! :)

    And no... I'm not giving up! LOL!
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No. But my sister joined anyway to spy on me lol.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
  3. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My hubby used to read quite a bit when we first found this site, and it really helped him to give up trying to control his son (which of course never worked anyway).

    He doesn’t read much anymore but I often tell him some of the stories. Strangely—he doesn’t have a lot of interest in talking about diapers or plastic baggies.
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  5. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Oh, Apple, you are such a little stinker! LOL!

    I suspect my hubby wouldn't want to discuss the many things us ladies discuss, but hey, that's what boards like this are for, women just like us!
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I msy be the minority but I worry that too many fun /light threads that have not a thing to do with difficult children or parenting or recovering from difficult childhoods and families, risks turning this forum away from its mission--which I see as support, problem solving and changing dynamics in families with troubled kids.

    Sometimes I come here lately and only find threads about non-related themes.

    Does this dilute the focus of the forum? For me, yes.

    This forum was and is a lifeline for me and others. I have found nothing else like here. The integrity and community and honesty and focus. I would be very sad if it turns into something different.

    If we want fun threads I think we each need to contribute to the threads which are the backbone here. Which give this place its identity, meaning, usefulness and power.

    There is no desire to offend. Just to defend. If we do not stand up for here, we risk losing it. Standing up for here to me means standing up for content that strengthens the core mission and does not weaken or dilute it.

    The fun threads are icing on the cake, but not a substitute for it.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I agree with copa and apple cori and would only invite someone to join if i knew they needed the help it offers. I am finding myself checking on and right back off as of late. Also don't mean to critisize but most of us came for very serious support with our dcs. I wouldn't encourage people who wouldn't understand that to join this forum. Not only because of need but because of concern for privacy. Sorry but it is how i feel.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I'd never suggest anyone join for the fun stuff. That's what Facebook is for. LOL I have suggested Conduct Disorders to a couple people having extraordinary problems with their difficult children. The site has been just a life-saver. I spend most of my time here now...but I always have it in the back of my mind that my boy might send me back to Parents Emeritus one day.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh, I must chime in. I would never have joined nor asked anyone to join if they had no difficult children. I told my sister about it as she worked as a teacher aid for difficult kids. Never have I asked someone to join for fun.

    I check all the other forums first before I come here. I dont think anyone should be here for the sole purpose of fun.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  10. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    I will promptly arrange to adjust my status and participation accordingly, and banish any remote notions I ever had of inviting anyone to sign-up.

    Thank you.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  11. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Additionally, I apologize for any hardship I may have caused anyone here.

    Serious hat on. No more fun. Got it.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There are members without difficult children. And one of these members had a thread "going north" when she prepared for and adjusted to her move to another state. We ended up with a virtual welcoming party and all brought food. The issue is not fun threads per se.

    But the thing is these members have
    contributed mightily to our threads where we are struggling and learning and changing.. That is why they are here. They strengthen our core commitment. That is what is key.

    This is not about individuals. It is about identity and mission. Our purpose.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Pink, with much love and in the nicest way possible, I have to say you take these things way too personally. Like the ratings thing, it's not that anyone is taking exception with YOU. Really...did ANYONE say, "Oh Pink! You mustn't ever, ever do such a thing! No fun ever!" Of course not!

    You've gotten your feeling hurt over nothing - no one said anything at all about hardship or no fun and you know it.

    The Water Cooler is here for fun! That's the purpose of THIS particular forum. Fun threads and discussion threads and a break from the turmoil that is our lives while dealing with life. The overall purpose of the site is for people who need a "soft spot to land" while dealing with their Difficult Child. The Water Cooler certainly plays its part in that. But I (that's me personally - not you or anyone else) can't imagine asking people who don't have a Difficult Child to come play.

    That doesn't mean you can't. There's no RULE that this place is ONLY for parents in need. But I (again - me personally!) can't imagine ever having been here otherwise. It's what bonded us to begin with.
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  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't believe there's been "hardship" caused to anyone because of any watercolor threads.....there's no reason to take on any guilt.

    Conduct Disorders was created as a safe place for parents of troubled kids with the watercolor forum as a means to talk about things other than our difficult children. Fun and frivolity are healing elements....however, sometimes life can be so hard for us that fun and frivolity don't enter into the equation, especially when it's our kids who've slipped off the rails.

    I believe we have to hold a certain 'sacred space' if you will, for those who arrive here devastated by their precious troubled kids actions and behaviors. I know when I first arrived here, I was in a very dark place and any thoughts outside of that dark place just didn't compute.

    I think Copa expressed the issues brilliantly and I agree with her assessments.
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  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This does not pertain to any particular person. I did ask Going North how she got here and she explained and I believe I told her she was a great member. Her own life stories have helped us all. She did come here by accident but so glad she did!

    I cant understand why anyone would be enticed to come to a place like this without having a difficult kid. I came when sonic was small with autism (wrongly diagnosed as bipolar) and then the foster child molested my little kids. It was a Godsend here and I like to give back. I wish I had never had to find it!

    Pink, you know I enjoy you. Perhaps, like Going North, you would be kind enough to explain how you found us and why you joined up. Do you have kids you struggle with?
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am responding to a private message from pink which she titles as final, with various important points related to my psychology, my posting, and the negative effects of these upon how I live my life, and by inference, how my posting negatively affects each of you.

    I urge you, pink, to post the message here, publically. I think what you write applies to most of us to some extent or another, but I can see it applies to me more than most because I have posted so much. And done so so openly about my emotions, motivation and state of mind.

    I take seriously your observations. While at first I felt you were criticizing me personally in a way that was designed to hurt, I no longer believe so.

    Instead I believe our points of view represent different approaches to health, and to life itself, and I take your comments in that spirit. It is from that vein that i invite others to join the conversation.

    Additionally, I will respond here because I believe my response may be applicable to the larger issue to which my original post was addressed, the purpose and utility of this site and how it is used.

    These are your main points, pink, as I read them.

    My wish that this forum be a place to heal you seemed to take as a manifestation of my personal suffering from depression.

    Posting about child-related issues you seem to believe is "fixating and ruminating."

    That I and others do so makes us attention seeking and we are wallowing, in "poor me" and "my poor child."

    Posting about child related events is evidence of having not "moved on."

    That weakness she contrasts with her own strength to post about "positive things in life" that "rise above...circumstances we deem lesser than."

    She seems to refer to (my) not doing as she does (rising above) as showing me to be somebody who "belly ache(s) and casts shadows in life." She sees this as responsible for my "lack of drive in life" and expresses her pity for me and my life.


    First let me say my life does not require defense. It is what it is. But. Vanity drives me to say that I have been in my life among the most motivated and driven of people I have known. But that is neither here nor there. I guess I will say here this: I am not depressed. But thank you for your concern.

    But I get that you believe that my posts contribute to a negative and depressive atmosphere generally here on the forum which is a valid point. I respect that and will take it to heart.

    Much of what you say, pink, gives me pause for thought.

    I have felt that posting had helped me and others grow stronger. Not weaker. But I can see your point. We get strong by behaving with strength, not by nitpicking and analyzing weakness and pain.

    Honestly, I did not believe I was complaining and belly aching, of late.

    I have written as I recall just one thread in many months, and I hesitated before I did it. Even I felt it was self indulgent. I mean. I know what to do. I know what to think.

    It was just this: I did not want to feel so alone with my pain. Which is what I hope to contribute here. That none of us be alone with pain with our kids.

    When I post responses on other threads I tell my truth because I want others to not feel so alone, either. I want them to know that I have made the same mistakes and felt the shame, anger, guilt, helplessness, fear and pain. It was not to grovel and to debase myself but to join hands across the distance.

    I have to ask myself, now, if by posting here I have held myself (and others) back. And then, I need to ask if this site indeed is regressive. Does it encourage people to be down and build identities as down people?

    I had never thought of that before. Not with respect to this site.

    I have spent my adult life listening to and thinking about problems and suffering. I feel alive and challenged when I connect, human to human, in a truthful way.. I believe human dignity and purpose comes from self-examination, facing oneself and ones life, and atoning.

    This is how we find peace. From facing not avoiding the truth of our lives. This is what I believe.

    I believe what i write about this site, it's purpose and the need to protect it. I do not back away from that.

    I take seriously too that we make important decisions about our energies and limited life force in doing anything, let alone come to a public anonymous forum where people suffer.

    I will think about all of this.

    I guess at heart I do not believe complaint, to express pain, suffering, grief, is so bad. What really is the alternative when we are in crisis?

    But then, there must be the end, the decision to be healed. The courage to be healed: to no longer contribute to or to be in a dis-ease state. That is what we are talking about here.

    But it is a valid question. Do we heal by remembering? I believe we do.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're exactly right Copa.

    I don't think we need to respond to words meant to harm, we all get enough of that. There's a difference in constructive criticism or caring observations meant to support....... and an attack on one's persona. Don't take it on Copa.

    Just to offer a different perspective, the following quote is how I see the folks who show up here.....who are beaten down and devastated and yet find the courage to reach out to others for help..... and the compassion to reach out to others to help.

    Theodore Roosevelt, Paris, France, 1910......

    The man in the arena

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

    You dare greatly Copa. As we all do here. Warriors of the heart. My kind of peeps.
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What a beautiful and powerful statement of the human heart, re. Thank you.
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I do not feel that your posts are anything but helpful Copa i would be very disappointed without your councel on this forum. Unless we have been through what we have been through it is hard to understand the need to know you are not alone and that the emotions and fear and guilt is something that we can deal with with the help of others who have been there. Although i like to find fun things to read it does not really have the effect of making me feel better about my situation in the long run. It is only a momentary diversion.
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  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa you are here for the purpose of this board. You are the reason this board is here. All of us.

    Your posts are helpful to the rest of us.

    Pink, why are you here? Do you understand why we came? This is a serious board. It is not about cloth diapers or to talk about how the world today sucks compared to how you perveive it once was. It is to share a difficult topic about our children.

    If you are not here for an adult child, why come to a board clearly called Conduct Disorders?

    I am appalled you wrote that letter to Copa. I would not have bothered to read it. I would have blocked you. Your opinion is your opinion only, not the truth,nor shared by the rest of us.

    I agree that posting the truth to others who understand is healing. And it has helped me. And others.

    So there.
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    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018