I am responding to a private message from pink which she titles as final, with various important points related to my psychology, my posting, and the negative effects of these upon how I live my life, and by inference, how my posting negatively affects each of you.
I urge you, pink, to post the message here, publically. I think what you write applies to most of us to some extent or another, but I can see it applies to me more than most because I have posted so much. And done so so openly about my emotions, motivation and state of mind.
I take seriously your observations. While at first I felt you were criticizing me personally in a way that was designed to hurt, I no longer believe so.
Instead I believe our points of view represent different approaches to health, and to life itself, and I take your comments in that spirit. It is from that vein that i invite others to join the conversation.
Additionally, I will respond here because I believe my response may be applicable to the larger issue to which my original post was addressed, the purpose and utility of this site and how it is used.
These are your main points, pink, as I read them.
My wish that this forum be a place to heal you seemed to take as a manifestation of my personal suffering from depression.
Posting about child-related issues you seem to believe is "fixating and ruminating."
That I and others do so makes us attention seeking and we are wallowing, in "poor me" and "my poor child."
Posting about child related events is evidence of having not "moved on."
That weakness she contrasts with her own strength to post about "positive things in life" that "rise above...circumstances we deem lesser than."
She seems to refer to (my) not doing as she does (rising above) as showing me to be somebody who "belly ache(s) and casts shadows in life." She sees this as responsible for my "lack of drive in life" and expresses her pity for me and my life.
Sigh.
First let me say my life does not require defense. It is what it is. But. Vanity drives me to say that I have been in my life among the most motivated and driven of people I have known. But that is neither here nor there. I guess I will say here this: I am not depressed. But thank you for your concern.
But I get that you believe that my posts contribute to a negative and depressive atmosphere generally here on the forum which is a valid point. I respect that and will take it to heart.
Much of what you say, pink, gives me pause for thought.
I have felt that posting had helped me and others grow stronger. Not weaker. But I can see your point. We get strong by behaving with strength, not by nitpicking and analyzing weakness and pain.
Honestly, I did not believe I was complaining and belly aching, of late.
I have written as I recall just one thread in many months, and I hesitated before I did it. Even I felt it was self indulgent. I mean. I know what to do. I know what to think.
It was just this: I did not want to feel so alone with my pain. Which is what I hope to contribute here. That none of us be alone with pain with our kids.
When I post responses on other threads I tell my truth because I want others to not feel so alone, either. I want them to know that I have made the same mistakes and felt the shame, anger, guilt, helplessness, fear and pain. It was not to grovel and to debase myself but to join hands across the distance.
I have to ask myself, now, if by posting here I have held myself (and others) back. And then, I need to ask if this site indeed is regressive. Does it encourage people to be down and build identities as down people?
I had never thought of that before. Not with respect to this site.
I have spent my adult life listening to and thinking about problems and suffering. I feel alive and challenged when I connect, human to human, in a truthful way.. I believe human dignity and purpose comes from self-examination, facing oneself and ones life, and atoning.
This is how we find peace. From facing not avoiding the truth of our lives. This is what I believe.
I believe what i write about this site, it's purpose and the need to protect it. I do not back away from that.
I take seriously too that we make important decisions about our energies and limited life force in doing anything, let alone come to a public anonymous forum where people suffer.
I will think about all of this.
I guess at heart I do not believe complaint, to express pain, suffering, grief, is so bad. What really is the alternative when we are in crisis?
But then, there must be the end, the decision to be healed. The courage to be healed: to no longer contribute to or to be in a dis-ease state. That is what we are talking about here.
But it is a valid question. Do we heal by remembering? I believe we do.
