Trying to get others to join as members...

Lil

Well-Known Member
So…here’s my 2₡ worth.

I’ve read a bit of Pink’s early posts, there weren’t many, on General Parenting. I’m quite sure she has at least in the past dealt with a difficult family situation. If currently she has no need of the serious discussion boards, there’s nothing wrong with that. I tend to lurk on the other forums these days, though I may step in to offer sympathy and advice from time to time. She didn’t say if her sister-in-law was in need of advice and support…if so…of course she should come.

I don’t necessarily agree with Copa that having the fun threads on here – and yes, there’s been a lot lately, in any way detracts from the other forums. I mean, the people who are hurting and in need of support are still posting on Substance Abuse and Parent’s Emeritus, etc., and aren’t going to stop because someone wants to talk about what kind of car we drive. The purpose of Substance Abuse forum is to help people who are dealing with kids with those issues. The purpose of the Watercooler is to chit-chat about things NOT related to our kids and their problems. Each has a purpose.

BUT, having said all that and I’m assuming the quotes are accurate, @Pink Elephant - it sounds like whatever was said to Copa crossed a big line! I'm frankly not sure what exactly got your granny panties in a wad, but Conduct Disorders as a whole IS for parents who have child-related issues. To post about those issues is not fixating or attention seeking or wallowing. It’s a cry for help and the very reason for this website’s existence. If posting about child-related events means we haven’t moved on – I guess the vast majority of us haven’t! We are here for the purpose of talking about our kids – not on this one particular Watercooler forum – but here all the same! It’s not as though Copa ever starts a thread, or even joins in much, on the Watercooler. Do you currently have kids you are raising who need special aid or counseling? Have you had the experience of spending years dealing with a child using drugs, or stealing from you, or getting arrested, or just running away and being homeless? Do you have family issues at all? If you have/do not, then you have no place judging. If you do – well you still have no place judging. We, by and large, are parents in a great deal of pain over our kids and we came here for the support forums FIRST. The Watercooler is a pleasant distraction and that is all.

@Copabanana , I’ve been wondering about you because you’ve posted so little lately. Like I said, I mostly lurk these days because when things go well I’m afraid to say much for fear of jinxing it, but I’ve noticed how little you’ve posted. Pain shared is pain lessened – we are here for you and your dear son. No – this site is NOT regressive. It is supportive. It is healing. It encourages growth and independence. It is a community of people lessening each other’s pain.

This site has meant the world to me. Jabber and I lived through some pretty tough times with our son and you all made it possible. If it weren't for the fun Watercooler threads, I wouldn't spend so much time here now that things are going okay. If it weren't for Substance Abuse and Parents Emeritus - well, I wouldn't be here at all. Those places were our refuge and our hope in our dark times.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I seem to recall that Pink raised her grandchildren for two years and that they recently went back to their mom. I didn’t go back to look at any of her posts, but I think that is the gist of her situation. I have no idea about the sister in law.

I am very sad about this whole situation and how things turned out.

(And I successfully resisted the urge to make a joke just now)
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I am asking myself this:

Right or wrong, I felt attacked for voicing my views.

Yesterday I saw a choice. To take my toys and go home. Or. To voice a response.

It felt clear to me to voice it privately was not a constructive option.

I am asking myself today if I should have sat with it, my thoughts and feelings, privately.

Perhaps a stronger, kinder person would have done that, I tell myself.

But then I think. By that logic we do not come to CD.

Is it strong or weak to seek support?

Is it strong or weak to express pain, confusion, fear, doubt?

Is it strong or weak to tell the truths of our lives?

At what point do we appropriately move on?

Does suffering have a constructive purpose?

Does recovery imply moving on?

Each of these questions, pinks message to me prompted. For me, these are important questions.

I worry that what public response did was shaming. And to evoke support to do so. And that is wrong. Or is it? Does the shame come from voicing what happened? Or does it come from the initial act?

I have borne shame in my life for things done to me. I had no voice. How are we served to remediate the past? Can we? Should we?

I can argue that in private to seek to hurt somebody is wrong. But I know that that kind of retaliation comes from hurt. How do we respinsibly handle hurts done to us?

Nobody can take away from my responsibility for bad acts. Or other's responsibility for same.

What I am left with is questions about a public forum such as this. A lot of these I have only thought about seriously in the last 24 hours.

I never said the fun threads were a bad thing. Or that it was necessary to suffer, to be helpful. I only hoped that those who came would contribute to our mission, in part.

From this has come this can of worms.

For good or ill, I do not know.

I am sorry for my part, in causing pain.
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
“A Soft Place To Land for Battle Weary Parents.”
Coming here has helped me keep my sanity with two wayward adult children.
We often can’t and don’t show our pain to the world we walk in, have to keep a stiff upper lip at work, while out in public, while at the same time, dealing with some pretty bizarre circumstances with our children, who are yes, now adults, but who we love dearly. Some of us can’t even bring ourselves to think about the time we spent nurturing them as babes, toddlers, youngsters, because it is especially heart wrenching.
I think it shows a certain kind of strength to bear your heart and soul on a public forum, there is a vulnerability to this.
To allow yourself to be vulnerable takes courage.
The intention to help and be helped is what makes us fellow warriors, some of us still in the trenches, on the frontlines, some still here encouraging others on, even though their children have moved on to find their true potential.
I thank each and every member for sharing your truths, pain, experiences, it is a great comfort to know I am not alone.
I don’t wish it on anyone.
On the P.E forum, there is a post by Runawaybunny that offers guidelines for interacting with others posting here. It is a good reminder to come to this soft place with compassion and understanding for those walking this journey.
We are all fighting our own battles, trying as best can to keep our head above water. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I think it is of the utmost importance to try our best to do no harm. People are already dealing with enough hurt.
It is not wallowing, or staying in a negative mind frame. We are doing our utmost to fight our way out of the trenches of this battle.
“For everything there is a season.” If a member needs to vent, so be it. If one is up to joining in on a fun post, that is good, laughter is the best medicine.
In appropriate doses and at the right time.
I do understand Copas concern for maintaining the vision and mission of the boards. I don’t post too often in the watecooler, just too busy.
My focus is to try to help others who are seeking advice and comfort. While I post, I reaffirm my commitment to working to rise above the sorrow of having two of my beloveds struggling with meth addiction. I share my pain as well, seeking help and solace from my fellow warriors. It has allowed me to soldier on.
Maybe part of that has to do with trying to make some sense of it all. If we are able to help one another by sharing our own triumphs and defeats, urging one another to take care of ourselves, then some good comes out of the suffering.
The grieving.
As Recoveringenablers name implies, this is a lifetime commitment to healing. An understanding that we have no control over our beloveds choices and actions. Many of us have to deal with the cold, hard reality that our adult children may not make it through the darkness.
So please.........
Let’s keep this a soft place to land.
Leafy
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Copa, I can understand why you are conflicted about choosing to post Pink's PM to you. I have been in similar positions here and have made similar choices and struggled with that choice as well. Before you came on board, one of my public admissions resulted in the administrator of the site leaving.....it was a gruesome experience for me and it took me awhile to get back my balance and feel OK enough to continue here. I understand the struggle you feel. You're going to turn over every rock to see where your accountability is, where your motives lie... I would do the same thing......I only hope you do it from a place of self love and curiosity, not self blame.

Before the attack on you, there were rumblings of similar sentiments contained in the "fun" threads, it didn't erupt with you, it became hostile when you told the truth. I'd been observing those threads because something didn't feel right. I alerted Cheryl, I was concerned. Your courage in telling the truth exposed something that needed to be exposed to keep the site safe. Yes, you could have been silent about the PM and born the cruelty of those words alone.....however, for me, sharing it gave us the appropriate knowledge of how our circle had been infiltrated by someone who is not a part of that circle and in fact, denigrates it. For me, you made a choice to protect the "whole" which I understand in some ways impacts your sense of integrity......but, for me, you made all the 'right' choices.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
While I was out of the house for a few minutes driving around, I came to the same conclusion, re.

It occurred to me that this for me was a "me too" moment.

The women who spoke out about their having been victimized privately did so despite their awareness they would be denigrated and personally attacked.

They knew they would be shamed.

They took on the responsibility for whatever hurt and damage their speaking out would cause. They did it anyway.

Because for them suffering in silence was no longer an option. They faced the important and true question. Whose shame is it?

They risked that others would understand and feel compassion, not condemnation; that there was a public space and place for woundedness, and for power and voice too.

I never thought this before but CD is a "me too" kind of place. We each of us find the strength to seek compassion. We begin to risk believing we deserve it. We each of us find the strength and compassion to give it. Like re said yesterday. The choice for courage and compassion. For self and others.

Thank you for the place to have this conversation. Each of us here have named and claimed and spoken and defined and defended this space and place. At the same time we have done the same for ourselves and each other..
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Copa before you posted i did not see what you brought up. That this bothered some people, those who are still struggling the most. At the times my kids were struggling I am not sure threads about diapers would have done it for me, especially if the person starting the threads did not share. I am glad you spoke up.

I would be very upset if somebody sent me a nastygram from here which is what I call nasty PMs. I find it cowardly to send those kinds of posts privately just to hurt somebody. I feel this was retaliation and childish and I am sorry you had to receive that from an adult.
 
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Lil

Well-Known Member
I know I tend to be oblivious about a lot of stuff. I still truly don't see the issue with the fun threads. It's not like they were being posted on Substance Abuse. The Watercooler is the place for off-topic threads. I was kind of having fun (and certainly wasting valuable time I should have been doing other things) but I do apologize if I inadvertently made anyone feel bad.

I certainly can't imagine what caused that type of virulent reaction to anyone suggesting they be toned down! That's wrong on many levels, but especially here - this board is our "safe space" after all. Here we should be able to say what we feel without feeling attacked for it.

The whole thing is just sad. I suggest we put it behind us.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I agree. I was having fun too but I am also not struggling right now. I think its best too just to move on.

I think I was angered by the PM more than anything. To me sending a nastybPM should be an automatic ban.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
I'm no longer struggling with a difficult child, and our struggles at that time were not (thankfully) drug related, so my perspective is different than others. But we all have struggled, with our children, with ourselves, obsessively questioning our action and/or inaction, whether to medicate or not medicate, to ask our children to leave or allow them to stay, how much support or help or rehab will be needed this time to get our children back on track.

I have been here nearly twenty years, off and on. People come and go. The issues change. Back in the day, it was mainly younger children with mental disabilities. Now, it's substance abuse by our adult children. No matter. This site was designed as a soft place to land for desperate parents. The Watercooler is a fun place, so we can get to know each other outside of our problems, because, ladies, we are more than our children's problems. We are more than that one dimension.

I mainly respond to posts on Watercooler because that's where I am right now. Maybe there's been too many survey posts for some people's tastes, but there's no requirement to respond. Take what you need and leave the rest.
 
Lil said: Pain shared is pain lessened.

This is what it is for me. My first post here was in early 2008, I think. I was in so much pain. I remember the replies that gave me encouragement, insight and suggestions. I remember deeply crying from the dark place inside me - because you all understood. You really did. You spoke my truth in your own experiences. At no time had I had that, and in no place since have I found that. Only here. I read here several times a week. I still find that "thing" of common understanding and reminders of ways to cope and recover. Not just in the replies to me, but in the shared pain of others and replies to and from others.

Copa, and everyone here, please know from my heart - I am so very thankful. I am still experiencing the struggles of an adult child with issues and the grands, and all. What you share, what other's share, as New Leaf said, allows me to soldier on. It's not negative, it's not living in the bad stuff. The bad stuff is real. What is gained here is also very real. It has been a lifeline for me.

I haven't had any interest in reading things in the Water Cooler forum. I stick with P.E. - I have been reading on here for a few hours today and I realized that I haven't been actually signing in. So, I signed in. I had a very nice note from Pink Elephant saying she had read one of early posts and noticed I had mentioned using cloth diapers. She thought I might enjoy sharing and/or reading about some of the posts. That's how I ended up over here. I ended up not being interested in the diapers conversation. But glad it lead me to this one. I am glad that I have a chance to express my sincere gratitude to the willingness to still talk discuss the "negativity", as it still very real in my life. The information, shared experience and wisdom has eased some of the pain in my journey and lead me to better solutions and choices.

Sincerely,
Gran
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Copa... I have found your posts and insight really helpful and supportive. To be honest I have a lot of good stuff going on in my life so i dont come here for the fun or fluff posts and I dont read most of them.
 
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