Trying

Helpless29

Active Member
I just can’t stop crying , I can’t focus on my little ones, my mind is consumed with thoughts of my son, I went driving around looking for him . I still haven’t reported it , even though I know it’s the right thing to do . I sent him about 50 messages begging him to come home but no response . I’m feeling helpless 😞, I just needed to vent. I’m not sure why this hurts more then it ever did before .
 

overcome mom

Active Member
I can relate to exactly how you are feeling now. We all hold some kind of hope in our hearts that they will turn around. That hope gets hidden when they are continually messing up but when they start to finally do a little better it sneaks out. When they mess up we are crushed again. This summer my son was in rehab and then a sober living house. He was doing the best he had done in years. I kept telling myself that it may not last but I guess that hope snuck in. When he got kicked out I was where you are now, a total mess. It was the worse I had felt in years.
At this point I think you are helpless to help him but you are not helpless to help yourself and your other children. You have done all that you can to help him and as you know it is up to him. It just is so very sad.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
It hurts more because when you see how well they CAN do you cannot believe they just won't do it!!

It's so very very frustrating and no one I mean no one gets it unless they've gone through it!!

If you can try to look at the bigger picture it may help you. This is his journey and you are along for the ride. He is an individual and agree with Copa that he is extremely stubborn. My son was also and unbelievably so. It was like he did not care what happened to him. I could not believe it. We did not raise him like that! His older two brothers were not like that!! Who was he?

I will say that now he is that cautious person again thank God. He does care about himself and what happens to him and in his life and his future.

I thank GOD every day that I found this site to guide me because I was lost. If I had not toughened up he probably would still be druggin or dead. My therapist helped also but hearing from other moms here was key. I knew they all loved their sons too!

Yesterday he was cleaning off his glasses with canned air. I cringed. Why? Because at one point he was in a hotel room snorting it to get high. When I heard that he was doing that I was numb. I don't know if he even remembers.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I answered you in detail on another of your threads, dear grieving mom. We have been there. I recommend.not driving, not texting, although we used to.

Unfortunately all the groveling we did to Kay strangely made her feel powerful. She liked it. And it did not do anything to get her home or even to get us a call. She would say "If I wanted to be with you or talk to you I would have. Leave me alone!" She also blamed us for whatever she was upset about even if we were not part of it. "You two never taught me how to deal with stress so how do you expect me to do it???" This was sort of right. We rescued her. But we loved her so. It was such a hateful thing to say to us.

We learned to let her decide when to come back and we went to NarSnon and therapy to learn how to live a good life even while Kay chose not to.

Sending hugs and love.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Helpless. Please report it. You protect him more this way. The longer he's out there the worse this can get. He needs you to do the right thing. To be the backbone of what is responsible and what is right. You are right that this can be fixed. He could have fixed it, but he did not. We do not know what will be the PO's response. It is not inevitable he will have to go back. But he must be held accountable. In this way, he becomes accountable to himself.

He is not only stubborn, he is immature. He had one thing go wrong, the fight with his girlfriend and he used this as an excuse to go wild. Sooner or later there would have been a trigger. He needs an extensive, serious program to learn the skills and to have a way to think about himself and his life, which will help him in moments of indecision that can go either way. On his own, he lacks this. You've got to do it for him. Remind him of the right thing to do, and that there are consequences of breaking laws. He has broken a law. That is the reality of things. I am so very sorry, Helpless. But this is not the worst thing if he has to go back. There he can learn. Running the street he can only come to harm. He needs to be reined in if he can't do it alone. and he can't. You have to help him. Calling the probation officer is helping him.




I am
 
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Deni D

Well-Known Member
Helpless, I'm so sorry to hear about this with your son. I agree with what everyone is saying. I know how hard it is. There's really no path you can take to fix this, and nothing you can do to predict the future for him. It's all on him whether it will be fixed or not, by him.

Please take a moment here and there through out the day to stop and breath. I don't know if everyone saw those commercials we would see for a few months where you would see leaves of tree and hear rain and it would say take 15 seconds to breath or if those commercials were more just in my area. I had the TV on a lot for a while and when they would come on I realized I was still on high alert most of the time, shallow breathing. That type of breathing keeps us in a low level panic state. When things are as bad as they are for you right now I don't know if you can but if only for the rest of you family for now, please try.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
How are you doing Trying? Any changes? Did you find your son?
Hi yes he called me to pick him up , I guess he was sleeping at the Union Station downtown. I’m embarrassed & ashamed to say I didn’t report it. We took away his phone & had a talk with him , he did seem remorseful but maybe I’m making excuses. My husband has forgiven him & is trying to get back to where we were but it’s going to take time because he lost are trust . He was lucky his boss gave him another chance.Maybe he sees his potential & he is a hard worker . I know I’m not listening to any advice given to me, and I’m embarrassed.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi

Well glad that things are calm - for now. I do hope that they remain this way and that if not, you do follow our advice.

Good luck!
 

overcome mom

Active Member
We all have to do what we can feel we can live with at the time. Believe me I have been where you are and made the same choice. Hang in there and keep posting letting us know how he does. He was lucky this time. I assume that his PO doesn't talk with his boss.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
We all have to do what we can feel we can live with at the time. Believe me I have been where you are and made the same choice. Hang in there and keep posting letting us know how he does. He was lucky this time. I assume that his PO doesn't talk with his boss.
No they do not & they don’t call and do check up calls as much as I thought they would but then again it’s my job to report it and I did not do any of this :/ so as far as PO’s are concerned, they think things have been all good at home.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I guess he was sleeping at the Union Station downtown.
Hi Helpless

Nobody is criticizing here. And you don't need to hide out. All of us have done the same thing. It is part of the learning process. If you can't tell us, who can you tell? Please stop with the guilt.

What do you think happened? Why was he sleeping at Union Station? Was he afraid to call you? Was it pride or was it fear?

Is your son open to going to meetings at a program like NA or AA where he will learn? Unless he learns how to handle his emotions and impulsivity, and develops some insight into his personality he may do this again.

Your son has played with fire in his young life. He needs to learn how to curb himself. Only a program and experience will teach him. For experience to teach him, there need to be consequences. He needs to know that you won't again cover for him.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Helpless, no one will judge you here. We are all just muddling through, doing the best we can in our own situations.There's no need to be embarrassed. You did what you thought best for your situation and that's all any of us can do. I'm glad it turned out well as it did. I hope this is a turning point for your son.
 
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