Two years now since my daughter finally broke my heart.

Aching Heart

New Member
I have actually been a member of this wonderful forum since last October and I have read through so many similar accounts from despairing parents like myself, of adult children who are causing/have caused them such heartache. I have taken some comfort in realising that I am not alone.

First, I would like to introduce myself. I am a mature woman in my late 50's married to a wonderful, supportive man who is in his early 60's. I have two adult daughters, one of whom is fine, got her own nice home, a decent job and takes care of her own finances very well. Sadly my health is not great and I suffer with M.E, Fibromyalgia and other sundry physical conditions for which I take medications.

But the other daughter (now past her mid 30's) is the reason for my name on here. :crying: My heart truly aches!
When she was a child I sought help for her but nobody seemed to have a clue, just telling me that I was doing a great job as a mother and that she was just 'difficult'. She lied, she stole, she was also unhygienic and sneaky and I just knew there was some reason for this. I ended up kicking her out of the family home (that tore me in two!) because her constant lies and stealing were causing us so many problems and we ended up with two policemen visiting us because she had stolen off others. They were shocked to see the lock on our bedroom door to keep her from going in and taking stuff, even if we were in we had to lock it! So, we came to the end of our tether and it was damaging our other daughters mental health so, she had to leave.
She ended up in a hostel and then moved from one hostel to another, to friends houses and back to hostels again when they kicked her out too. Eventually she ended up living over a 100 miles away and did the same there, hostels, flats, rented homes (that she left in disgusting states) and finally shared a home with a friend who ended up leaving. Believe me, after seeing pictures of how she left the last home I know of, it as sickening and I cannot begin to describe the revolting mess she left behind. 🤢
I had, from the day she left home, supported her, visiting her regularly and having groceries sent to her too. Once she moved far away, I continued to visit her until eventually, I got too disabled by my own health to be able to travel alone. My husband could not take me as we have dogs to care for plus he worked back then. We would refund her travel expenses when she came here once a year or so. But unbeknown to us, she was also going to stay with her biological father who, I found out much later from him, was also picking her up as well as dropping her off at the airport, either before or after we dropped her off or picked her up. He was also refunding her flight and who was paying for them? Her friend, who never saw a penny back either! So she was conning us all in a way and pocketing two sets of air fares.
I never had a problem with her seeing her father, after all, she is an adult but the deception concerning the flight expenses was very disappointing! I expect she never thought that I would contact my ex husband whom I had not seen for over 20 years, after being told everything by her friend who had been left with a £7000 bill to clean up the house my daughter had been evicted from eventually, because her name was still on the tenancy even though she had not been there for over a year! This was two years ago.
On top of this, she had approached both my ex husband as well as me to be guarantors for two separate loans which fortunately, neither of us agreed to! Instead, he sent her what money he could spare and I, like a fool, agreed to lend her £1000 interest free which she was meant to pay me back in instalments. I never saw any of that as she avoided it, making all kinds of excuses and fake promises to 'sort it out tomorrow' etc. But all the time she was living in her filthy home, and spent the money on going out and other things for herself. Not a penny went on the flood damage she said had happened to the floor because of a leaky aquarium! Turns out she had no aquarium anyway! She had refused to allow her landlord to inspect her home for ages so she was well aware of its condition!
I was sent a folder full of photos taken of her home after she was thrown out, before the men in protective white suits cleared it. They were stomach churning, including a dead rabbit she had left in her living room, dog and cat mess all around (it was not mud that was covering a lot of her floor!) Every room was appalling and everything ended up in a skip. Her dogs had gone to a rescue shelter and her several cats, she had abandoned outside the house!
She had been diagnosed with bipolar apparently but I do not know the full story around it except that she often stopped taking the medication and ended up going to a psychiatric ward a few times.
How has this affected me? Well, after 30 something years of having to cope with her behaviour problems, her lies and deception, I broke inside. I had tried to help by supporting her but it had all been lies she had been telling us. :9-07tears: I was in such a state, endless tearfulness etc, that I ended up having counselling and was put on antidepressants - it was about 5 or 6 months before I could smile and laugh again. Even now, two years after it all hit the fan, I choke up if I have to discuss her. I try to separate in my mind that cute little kid she was from the adult she became but every now and again, the adult her is on my mind and I have difficulty sleeping and feel the sadness washing over me. I am able to overcome it, basically because the anti depressants do their stuff. But I know that my heart is truly broken now where she is concerned and that it may never mend.
We have resolved to not let her back into her lives again now. We could never believe a word she said anyway and she was just too difficult to be around anyway. As my doctor wisely said, "She is adult and she is not your responsibility." So, inside, I wish her well and I truly hope that one day she will have a better life. But it won't be with us in it. We have just had enough. My ex husband, who we met with after all this exploded, has also decided to leave her to it as she was milking him for every penny she could anyway as well as lying etc. He had only had contact from her for the previous 5 years after she sought him out as he had not seen her since she was a child, his choice not mine.

It has been cathartic to write this out really. I fear being judged so I rarely tell anyone outside immediate family about all this. :scared:

Thanks for reading!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Aching Heart

I read your story and indeed it IS heartbreaking and tragic that a person would live as does your daughter, and so many of our children, including my own son. I believe that a basic requirement of all parents is to not permit our children to abuse us. Not only because of what it does to us, but because of what it does to them--whether or not they see it. As I see it, you had no option but to do as you have. She will have to fix herself, if someday she chooses to. There are all kinds of public resources, for people who want to change. I am so very sorry you've been through such a hard time, but happy that you're turning the corner. I hope you keep posting. I've been here over six years now and it still helps me.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Glad you found us and so sorry for your suffering as it relates to your daughter. It sounds like you are doing all you can do to keep yourself sane. Agree that she will do as she wishes and we are all responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.

You are in the right place. We have all suffered here so welcome. Keep reading and you will find strength from the others here that have had to find their own way through all of this.

Life on life's terms. We all have to count our blessings because we all have them!

Prayers for your peace and that your daughter finds her way.
:staystrong: :grouphugg:
 

Aching Heart

New Member
Thank you both for replying. I know deep inside that I have made the right decision as I doubt now that she will ever change. Oh she will pay lip service to changing I expect and one day she may contact me full of apologies but sadly I will not believe her. I have resolved to instead, wish her well and leave it at that as no way do we want her in our lives anymore.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Fifi

I recommend that you put this post in a new thread. That's where people will see it. I am so sorry you're going through all this Welcome.
 
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