Ugh....new here just need some encouraging words!

[luvmy2boyz]

Hi All~

Just looking for some encouraging words right now. I have a 14 year old son who is very impulsive. He is not a bad child but he does not think before he acts and for some reason he seems to think that he won't get in trouble. We are only 7 weeks into the school year and he has already had an in school suspension and now today I found out he has an after school detention! He got the suspension for snapping a girls bra, a girl he was not suppose to be talking to but that is a different matter. I tried to explain to him that even though he thought it was a joke EVERYTHING now days can be labeled as some form of sexual infraction. I also explained to him that he would now be on the principles radar and he needed to be on extra good behavior. Well, that didn't work because now I find out he threw a rock during a fire drill and hit someones car! He wasn't trying to hit the car just trying to be funny . The class was talking during the drill and a teacher told them to be quiet, he repeated to the class to be quiet and he got in trouble for making fun of the teacher! Now, I don't know if he meant to help the teacher or not, he says he was just trying to help, but it goes back to me telling him he is on everyone's radar and he needs to mind his p's and q's. His father, along with one sister and several of his cousins struggle with ADHD. He also has an Aunt with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I did have my son tested in 4th grade because he struggled a lot that year, but they also put him in a split classroom which I did not approve of because I didn't think he had good organizational skills and I think that had something to do with it. The teacher told me that would help him with his organizational skills! It didn't! It was a horrible year for us. The test came out borderline for him and the following year he made the honor roll and has been on it ever since. He is a very intelligent kid, he was invited to take the ACT this year(8th grade) so I don't think he is attention deficit. I do however, think he has hyperactivity disorder. He can not sit still, he is constantly shaking his legs or moving around. He gets up at home after sitting watching tv or doing homework and runs around the house. He has been doing this since he was very young and I thought he would out grow it by now. It used to bother me a lot until I talked at length with my sister in law (her son is ADHD) and she said it was just something he needed to do. Which after thinking about it I understand. I just don't want him to be labeled as a trouble maker, it makes me sad to think people think he is a bad person. He's not, he just doesn't seem to be able to control himself sometimes. He doesn't talk back at home and is respectful to his friends and their parents. I just wonder if it has something to do with not being able to release the extra energy at school??! Any body have a similar situation? Any advice?

 

[TeDo]

You might want to consider having him evaluated by a good child psychiatrist or PhD level Child Psychologist. I don't know how you feel about medications but punishing him for impulsivity and/or hyperactivity isn't going to help. He can't help it and no talking in the world is going to stick either. Without something to slow down his brain, he CAN'T think straight. Sometimes even a small dose of something can help. I would hate for him to continue to get into trouble at school for something he can't control. It will only end up damaging his self-esteem and could lead to where I have been, with a school that does all they can to make the child leave, smart or not.

Does the school have a social skills group? You might want to check into that so he's hearing the "rules" from people other than you and that are associated with the school where the issues are happening.

Sorry I can't offer you more. You are doing the best you can with what you have. With kids like ours, we most always have to think outside the box.

 

[DDD]

I want to say welcome, first of all. Glad you found us. You'll likely receive many responses from many caring and often very experienced parents. Although the advice won't be identical the intentions are universally caring. I have raised three ADHD children and have a lovely granddaughter who is also ADHD plus. I consider myself a bit of an expert, lol.

Not one of the three children ever had evil intentions nor were they ever disrespectful to others. on the other hand school was a problem and I want to emphasize that your appropriate response to your son was not only accurate but a warning that neither you nor ne can fully grasp...until a teacher, a dean, an administrator or a local policeman decides that your bright funny hyperkinetic son is TOO disruptive or has evil intentions OR is a threat. We have lived with some sad and unwarranted repercussions. I hope you can avoid those traumas because his life can be altered forever.

Yeah, I know that sounds dire. I have lived it and know others who have suffered immensely as the result of the impulsive traits build inside their children. On the Board everyone attempts to provide support with-o criticism because we know the drill, so to speak. One of the issues is medication. I just can not find the way to agree with avoiding medications. If you are anti-medication please don't be offended.

The pumping foot and the need to get up and move are proof that he has the problem. If you ever sit in on a Juvenile Detention hearing you will see at least half the youngsters foot pumping. Even with appropriate medication it is difficult for teens (and particularly teen boys) to reign in that extra energy that is in their bodies. What elementary school staff might find slightly irritating or annoying middle and high school observers find to be a sign of trouble. I love and raised a gifted grandson (he was of five in our County to be given college entrance exams at 13). He also was very popular and welcomed warmly into almost all homes. He also was acknowledged as an All Star athlete in three sports. Even with medications he ended up being perceived as a troublemaker and due to subsequent problems his life started going down the tube.

I strongly encourage you to try medication. I know that it can be hard to find the right medication but there are at least four that have been available for years and have helped alot of kids. Keep in mind that stimulant medication is "quick in and quick out" so judging whether it is helpful doesn't take too long. Your post is full of love. I have an image of your son that brings back memories from a decade ago. He and his cousin will not likely react in the same way to the same medication so you can only judge by how much help your son gets. Fingers crossed and hugs sent. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

I think you should have him re-evaluated by a neuropsychologist. To me it sounds rather extreme for ADHD, but you can't know unless you test him again.

One word on the bra incident. I would not have told him that it was a joke. As a woman, if some man snaps my bra, that is a sexual gesture that is invading my privacy and can get him into a lot of trouble later on if he thinks he can just do stuff like that and get away with it. I don't know why that particular girl is one he shouldn't be near, but that only makes it more insulting that he did it. I would try to talk to him about respecting girls. If you son had done that to my spunky daughter, he would have had a bloody nose and a kick in his rather private area. But I'm assuming he would not do that to somebody like my daughter.

I wish you and your son lots of luck. It sounds like he is going to have trouble in his life if you can't sort out what is wrong and help him reign it in and often our kids do not respond to simply talking. medications can help sometimes...sometimes they make things worse. It's a crapshoot, but it is one worth pursuing...AFTER a complete evaluation. A question: Does your friend know how to socialize appropriately with his SAME AGE peers? If he does have long term, good friends, it probably IS ADHD. If not, could be a lot of stuff beyond ADHD.

Keep us posted!

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Luvmy2boyz.
Your son does sound impulsive and hyper, and I agree with-others, take him to a neuropsychologist and get a thorough evaluation.
Also, he probably has sensory issues, and you may want to try heavy lifting and exercising, which will load or even overload his system so he won't fidget so much. Can you get him in a sport, consistently? Does he like to be hugged tightly? Maybe you can get him to do 50 pushups every morning or something for some kind of reward.