Unsettled Feeling

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Overwhelmed 61, Jan 11, 2020.

  1. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    UGH! The cable/WI-FI is off. No extra money to send to daughter. Waiting for the storm to hit today. Unsettling as to what the day will bring. I am already unable to get up and move around. Feeling like I should curl up in the fetal position and crawl under the covers.
    Oh well, just another lonely, boring, no nothing weekend. Just a feeling of gloom and doom as always.
    Made it through so many, I am sure I will be able to make it through this weekend.

    Peace and Love
  2. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    We are under a winter weather watch, but I'm sure I can get out of here if I want. I'm planning on finishing a book I've been trying to finish for two months!! I'm sorry you're feeling gloomy. I hope you can find a mini ray of sunshine today. You're not alone.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on turning off the cable/WI-FI that your son uses to hide from real life!

    I’m glad you are taking a stand by turning these off and not sending your daughter money!

    I know you feel worried about what the day may bring, but you can feel good that you are taking a stand to reclaim your life, one step at a time.

    I will be checking in over the course of the day, and I hope you post updates on how things are going. Keep your phone on you just in case you feel unsafe.

  4. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Son woke up, realized the cable was off, had his girlfriend pay the bill. Came in my room and said "your welcome" and walked away. At least no confrontation.
    Daughter sent an email saying l guess we will starve, along with a long list of other ugly opinions of me.
    What I have left after paying my bills is for me this time.
    It's storming here so I am relaxing in my room and enjoying the thunder, lightening and rain. Storms have always soothed me.
    Thanks Apple and Chick for your kind and encouraging words.

    Peace and Love
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I’m glad you are holding up well.

    Your daughter won’t starve. There are many government and charity organizations that she can turn to for help. She needs to reacquaint herself with social services, charities, and whatever is available in her area for support, since you are closing the bank of mom.

    Your son’s girlfriend paid the cable/internet bill? I, personally, would close your account. Maybe that could be on the list of things you want to do in the future.

    Does your son work?

    Maybe it’s time he get out of the nest and live his own life?
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I like storms too, Overwhelmed.
    I am glad you took some steps to advocate for yourself and your finances. This is freeing for you and your adult children. You are handing them the keys towards being responsible for their choices. That is awesome. We won’t be around forever to rescue our adult kids, they have to learn how to be self sufficient. And you, Overwhelmed, deserve to have a life for yourself.
    I hope you are feeling better. I spent many a time curled up and not feeling myself. Sometimes I indulged that, other times made myself get up and busy. Do what you need to process this. Be kind to yourself and take one moment at a time.
    We are here with you, holding you in our hearts and understanding.
    Prayers going up for strength and peace.
  7. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    No my son doesn't and him and his girlfriend live with me. I know you don't even need to say it....
    I am the worst enabler ever.
    It's weird because I have staff at work and I am firm with them when need be. Wish I could be the same with my kids.

    I'm working on it though.
    I took some medicine today and am pretty laid-back. I usually take one at night only but I took two today. Not to worry it is prescribed for three a day but I always just take one at night. Decided to take as prescribed and I feel better than I've felt in a long time. I hate taking any kind of medicine.

    I know my daughter will be fine. Her and the kids have food and if they don't it's her fault. I give 6-8 hundred in cash every month on top of paying all her bills. I am living without anything extra after I pay my bills.

    Probably too much info in a place like this but I am on my last nerve and dime! I just can't do it any more. It's been 2 years of this and I feel sick at what all I have done and still get treated like like I do by my kids.

    My daughter tells me I am evil. I give her money and pay her bills so I can control her. I don't even live in the same State so how can I be controlling?

    This post must show how ridiculously stupid I am.

    I'm rambling on, must show you how scrambled my mind is today. Relaxed but feeling ashamed of myself for being such an enabler. There is no excuse for me doing this for my kids. I need to stop this insanity...
    Completely ridiculous on my part...

    Glad I could vent somewhere. Thank you all for not being hard on me for my insane actions where my kids are concerned.

    Peace and Love
  8. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    You are so kind and understanding. Such a beautiful person.
    Thank you so much for being here.
    It's the people here that has opened my eyes and encouraged me to start the process of healing myself and taking my life back. At my age it is important to be stress free and happy.... Theses should be my GOLDEN YEARS..

    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  9. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Thank you Chickpea. I hope you are doing well today too....
  10. Nandina

    Nandina Member

    Please, Overwhelmed, don’t be so hard on yourself! It hurts my heart to read your words saying you are stupid and other negative thoughts about yourself. You’re not! You, like all of us, love your kids very very much and have reached the point where you recognize that your love has been taken for granted, disrespected and at this point you are enabling bad behavior. That’s a sign of growth, Overwhelmed, not stupidity!

    One step at a time...you’re on your way. But please...don’t talk so badly about yourself. You don’t deserve that kind of self-talk.

    With love and a hug, and also waiting out the storm here, (I love them too!)

    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  11. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Nadine you are also so kind. I'm not trying to put myself down but speaking the truth.
    My daughter has been texting me all day letting me know what a horrible mother I am. My fault we don't have a good relationship. My fault she is where she is today. My fault she is unhappy. My fault she didn't finish college. On and on. One has to wonder.

    It's just a trying day.......
  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Your daughter made her own decisions none of that is your fault. Even if you made mistakes we all did. I am very sure she has made some. She does not deserve your kindness. I hope you are able to gradually disengage from her finances and use the money on yourself.
  13. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Overwhelmed, your daughter is putting the blame on you in order to deflect responsibility for her own life decisions. Just because somebody accuses us of earthquakes and storms does not mean it makes sense. You are supporting your daughter and grandkids. It is perhaps not good for you to do this, but you do it out of love. That your daughter still does not acknowledge this goodness in your heart says more about her than you. Please don't wonder if her words have merit. In the back of her mind, even she must know she is the one who caused her life to be this way. And only she can change it.

    We are parents of kids who abuse us, yet they are beloved and they can hurt us as nobody else can. And for many years most of us allow it. Decades for some. We hope that this one last time that we help will be that time they see the light.

    You are not alone.

    Please be kind to yourself. Say kind things to yourself. I send prayers and hugs.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  14. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    Look sis, you are NOT a punching bag!

    Take that cash and send ALL of THEM on a must deserved vacation. Then move their [email protected] out of YOUR house. Send them to visit your daughter. Change the locks and go on vacay. OK, I'm done ranting. I know that is not realistic and not sure I could pull that off myself. I just like to fantasize for two seconds a day. What would YOUR life look like without providing for them? What would their life be without you?

    At some point you won't be there to provide for them. I think it would be a gift to them to let them all fend for themselves. They might as well learn it now as no one is going to help them when you are unable to. If you can afford to pay their bills perhaps you can set them up in their own apartment for one month and let them make a way for themselves. I enabled for a VERY long time. The day I decided to detach, I ate, slept, bathed and did other normal stuff, it felt good. Please take baby steps. You can do this, we are with you!!!!!!!!

    I can not wait until you start living for YOU. I am going to be your biggest fan. You do not have to accept their abuse. I encourage you to read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. I'll purchase it for you. It helped me detach with love from my brother. He's 50 and lives with my mom off and on, mostly on.

    Ugh. I want to hugz you. I want to spank your kids. lol. Is is safe for you to detach? I mean will they react in an unsafe manner?

    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  15. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Jmom can I just say I love you. I wish you were close and we could meet. You sound amazing.
    I have had the police called on both of them for hitting me. They haven't done that in a while though.
    I can tell you one incident where my daughter was so mad at me she told me I'd better not fall asleep or she would cut my eyes out. I went to bed and was just about to fall asleep when she came into my room and put whipped cream all over my face. It scared me to death. She thought it was funny. I thought at the split moment when her hands touched my face that she was going to hurt me. But she didn't.
    I have been through a lot. I am truly at the point I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like to do any more, don't know if I am a good person or bad. I keep to myself.
    I will go to the library and pick up the book you suggested. I do remember loving to read but I haven't picked up a book in years.
    I so appreciate everyone's advice, caring, understanding, encouragement and most of all the love I feel from everyone. Loved is something I haven't felt in a long, long time.
    Thank you SIS!!!!

  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member


    What these kids say and do is not normal. Most kids never say those violent words to anyone let alone loving parents. We sometimes need to go into what we know to be reality. This includes me. My denial was mind boggling.

    Most kids never assault parents either.

    Our normal is so abnormal.

    We need in my opinion to stop saying "he/she hit me, but it's not so bad because that was a while ago." If our spouse assaulted us would that be okay?

    I am beyond words.

    Blessings to all. May we find peace and a way to feel safe. May our children see that they must change paths to live happy lives.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  17. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Busy you are so right and I can't believe, even though I love them so much, that I would find excuses for such behavior, but I have.
    I'm getting better. I am promising myself, by Spring, I will be living alone and not supporting either of them. This is my goal.
    Hopefully, I will get my finances in order and get my house paid off before I retire, which has been my goal but put on the back burner.
    My son is being extremely nice, I think he knows his time here is coming to an end soon. Other than his little pun "your welcome" when his girlfriend paid the cable bill, he has kept quiet.
    Another goal is to complete the repairs and remodelling my house. I have 3 inside doors to replace that my son has punched holes in.
    The sweet people here are giving me the insight and courage to accomplish my goals. For that I am truly blessed and thankful.
    Prayers going out for everyone here.

    Peace and Love
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Dearest Overwhelmed,
    No wonder you are Overwhelmed. What you describe is domestic violence. It doesn’t happen overnight, it creeps up on us, until we lose sight of our own value and worth and fall into what I call the swirly whirly. For whatever reason the children we raised with love and care have grown up to feel entitled. My two daughters descent into the rabbit hole started at a young age with marijuana use. They became sullen and moody at home. In particular my eldest, she acted as if she hated me. It was awful. I ended up showing her the door at 18.
    I am glad you found this site. The kind people here have helped me tremendously in finding my way back to myself. I feel that is a lifetime journey as life’s challenges have forced me to redefine my role. Your plan to remodel is awesome, I am glad to see you taking proactive steps to reclaim the peace in your home. I remember not wanting to go home after work, chaos loomed over hubs and I. It wasn’t a restful place by any means due to the troubles with my two and our revolving door with them taking turns moving in, only having to make them leave when things got too crazy.
    Our homes should be our sanctuaries. You deserve to have peace in your life. You are not stupid or any of those negative things you tell yourself. You have slowly been beaten down by unappreciative adult children. Our love for them forgives and forgives. But there are boundaries in love. I am glad you are seeing that and ready to find your way back to self love. When we are in the web our entitled children spin, self love seems selfish, but it is not. It is the concept of “putting the oxygen mask on first” if we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t begin to care for others. Self love is healthy boundary setting. Self care, not allowing others to take advantage of us. Through demonstrating self love, we are modeling what we wish for our kids, that they would take proper care of themselves, their children. This means learning to be self sustainable in this world. We won’t be around forever to pick up the pieces of their poor choices. In this we set them free to learn and be responsible.
    It’s hard at first to break old habits. But the more you know, the more you grow and that is a valuable lesson and example for your kids.
    Keep up the good work.
    Ps. I had to channel my dad, who was loving but firm. He would never allow the shannagins my kids pulled. Out we would go!
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  19. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    That sounds like a great goal !
  20. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am also glad you are making some positive changes. Your children do not have the right to abuse you and what you have described is abuse. I have been there with my son. If they give you trouble please make sure you have measures to protect yourself in place. Prayers.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List