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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749425" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Deni</p><p></p><p>I think it all boils down to staying in our own lane; letting go of responsibility and a sense of guilt (that others have tried to instill and to which we buy in) and accepting the situation as it is. It is when we keep trying to hold on, by efforts to working it out, by buying into other people's story, by staying hooked that our suffering continues.</p><p></p><p>Your son has every right to his own story about his life. Including false stories. Including neglecting his health. He has a right to self-determination. So does my own son.</p><p></p><p>But you have a right to not hear it. To have your own story and to live from that. With that we have the possibility of inner peace. It is this that is the jewel of our life, not that we feel we have a happy ending of the motherhood story<em> right this minute.</em> We don't know the whole picture of life. We know one second right here where we stand. What is happening really, we don't know. The important thing, I think, is to learn to center ourselves in us, in our own purpose, our own well-being. And to seek to maintain this, happen what happens. I'm right there with you. Except for the abuse part. If my son can't value or respect me, he needs to stay away and I need to keep him away.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I see a lot of pluses in your story. For the most part you are able to define and maintain good boundaries. The thing we need to remember, is what Tanya writes: <em>We do not control nor do we have responsibility for our sons' choices. And we should not permit that either they or we hand out blame or (Self)punishment for same.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Reading your story, I would urge you to pull back even more from your son. How is this helping you (or him) to be battered by his criticism and lack of caring?</p><p></p><p>I know what it is to yearn for validation and closeness with the children we have raised and love. I believe that in my own case that validation and closeness is something I need to create in myself. This is my own story to write, and has nothing really to do with what my son says, does or thinks. This is the lane in which I have some power. When I am dependent upon something that he says or does...is when I lose myself. </p><p></p><p>I think you are doing great. Really. None of this is fun. But it is moments like this (that you are having) that lead to great strides. This is how we learn. When suffering breaks through. With this we have the opportunity to recalibrate. I am glad you're back. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749425, member: 18958"] Dear Deni I think it all boils down to staying in our own lane; letting go of responsibility and a sense of guilt (that others have tried to instill and to which we buy in) and accepting the situation as it is. It is when we keep trying to hold on, by efforts to working it out, by buying into other people's story, by staying hooked that our suffering continues. Your son has every right to his own story about his life. Including false stories. Including neglecting his health. He has a right to self-determination. So does my own son. But you have a right to not hear it. To have your own story and to live from that. With that we have the possibility of inner peace. It is this that is the jewel of our life, not that we feel we have a happy ending of the motherhood story[I] right this minute.[/I] We don't know the whole picture of life. We know one second right here where we stand. What is happening really, we don't know. The important thing, I think, is to learn to center ourselves in us, in our own purpose, our own well-being. And to seek to maintain this, happen what happens. I'm right there with you. Except for the abuse part. If my son can't value or respect me, he needs to stay away and I need to keep him away. Personally, I see a lot of pluses in your story. For the most part you are able to define and maintain good boundaries. The thing we need to remember, is what Tanya writes: [I]We do not control nor do we have responsibility for our sons' choices. And we should not permit that either they or we hand out blame or (Self)punishment for same. [/I] Reading your story, I would urge you to pull back even more from your son. How is this helping you (or him) to be battered by his criticism and lack of caring? I know what it is to yearn for validation and closeness with the children we have raised and love. I believe that in my own case that validation and closeness is something I need to create in myself. This is my own story to write, and has nothing really to do with what my son says, does or thinks. This is the lane in which I have some power. When I am dependent upon something that he says or does...is when I lose myself. I think you are doing great. Really. None of this is fun. But it is moments like this (that you are having) that lead to great strides. This is how we learn. When suffering breaks through. With this we have the opportunity to recalibrate. I am glad you're back. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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